Status: Baby I'm back! I've been gone for nearly 10 years, so please take the early chapters with a pinch of salt.
To tell, or not to tell.
Careful You Don't Drown
As I'm standing on the landing, I feel just as trapped as I did before I left for the bathroom. Clearly, this isn't my scene. I desperately want to leave - run as far as I can from here and never come back. But honestly, I have no idea where exactly I even am. I know the general area but the maze of streets I'd need to navigate to find somewhere even vaguely familiar is beyond me. I might as well try navigating by star gazing.
My anger subsides into petulant sadness and self-pity, and god do I hate myself for it. I'm helpless, waiting here for Ashley to come out so I can beg to go home like the pathetic piece of shit I am. And now I'm angry again, this time at myself for getting into a situation like this.
I mean, what did I think would happen? Ashley would actually give a fuck about me? Show me the time of my life? That she actually liked me or something? Dumb bitch. That sure is narcissistic of you - thinking someone would be into you when all you've done is stand around making shit small talk.
She's here to get hers, just like everyone else is.
Even as I'm stuck here, floundering in my own briny self-hatred, the world keeps on turning. I might be frozen in place, but the music keeps thumping and people are still bustling about. Fewer now than there were before, groups have budded off to attend different parties or go out to clubs - this was only the "pres". I'm entirely ready for my night to be over - but everyone else's has just begun.
I don't know what to do - I don't know what I can do, but I know I can't just stay here at the top of the steps like a lunatic and wait for someone to save me. I guess that makes it time to go downstairs and make my way back to Euan - the only person that has paid me any attention this evening.
I take a deep breath, smooth my skirt and head back towards the couch. I'm planning to just sit in silence until someone comes to save me - anyone would do really. When I get there, most of the coach has been evacuated. The only people left out of the small group that once was is Euan and some new girl, making out and heavy petting. Honestly, it makes me feel nauseous - especially the sight of his bony hands pawing at her skin, her shirt hiked up.
It's like watching a car crash, and my stomach roils - but it's hard to pull my eyes away. It's not something I've seen much before outside of a TV screen after all. And even then, it's never this.... disgusting. The stench of this place, the scent of sweat and booze becoming stale - cooling as night falls and the heat of bodies' dissipate - seems to compliment their slow, wet slobbering perfectly. Before where I couldn't peel my eyes away, I can't bear to look anymore.
The thought of sitting beside the two of them seems repulsive, but I can't think of another option. I scan the room for another free chair and there isn't one - everything seems like it's been moved to make room for the heaving bodies present before. I now get my first good look at the house. It's a lot smaller than I'd imagined for all the people crammed inside. I'm far too nervous and terse to go exploring the space any further. Feeling lightheaded, I just need a minute to sit.
Out of options and with a rising panic I plonk myself down next to "Casanova
" and his partner and try to breathe steady. The gentle slurping beside me might as well be nails on a chalkboard. I don't belong here. The awkwardness of everything begins to settle in and I find myself even more uncomfortable. I want to curl up in a ball and die, but I can't curl up cause I'll be getting my shoes on the furniture. I glance to the fabric and see that, to be completely honest, it's ruined anyway. Stained and frayed, the cushions misshapen from over-use, it's a tacky synthetic fabric. I almost regret sitting on it.
But at least now I can wrap myself into the fetal position, hugging my knees to my chest, without guilt. I rest my forehead on my knees, the pressure of the pose against my chest a small comfort. I ask myself for the millionth time what on Earth I was thinking coming to a place like this? Who the hell did I think I was?
My world gets smaller and smaller, and I recede back into my own mind - imagining a better alternative.
My anger subsides into petulant sadness and self-pity, and god do I hate myself for it. I'm helpless, waiting here for Ashley to come out so I can beg to go home like the pathetic piece of shit I am. And now I'm angry again, this time at myself for getting into a situation like this.
I mean, what did I think would happen? Ashley would actually give a fuck about me? Show me the time of my life? That she actually liked me or something? Dumb bitch. That sure is narcissistic of you - thinking someone would be into you when all you've done is stand around making shit small talk.
She's here to get hers, just like everyone else is.
Even as I'm stuck here, floundering in my own briny self-hatred, the world keeps on turning. I might be frozen in place, but the music keeps thumping and people are still bustling about. Fewer now than there were before, groups have budded off to attend different parties or go out to clubs - this was only the "pres". I'm entirely ready for my night to be over - but everyone else's has just begun.
I don't know what to do - I don't know what I can do, but I know I can't just stay here at the top of the steps like a lunatic and wait for someone to save me. I guess that makes it time to go downstairs and make my way back to Euan - the only person that has paid me any attention this evening.
I take a deep breath, smooth my skirt and head back towards the couch. I'm planning to just sit in silence until someone comes to save me - anyone would do really. When I get there, most of the coach has been evacuated. The only people left out of the small group that once was is Euan and some new girl, making out and heavy petting. Honestly, it makes me feel nauseous - especially the sight of his bony hands pawing at her skin, her shirt hiked up.
It's like watching a car crash, and my stomach roils - but it's hard to pull my eyes away. It's not something I've seen much before outside of a TV screen after all. And even then, it's never this.... disgusting. The stench of this place, the scent of sweat and booze becoming stale - cooling as night falls and the heat of bodies' dissipate - seems to compliment their slow, wet slobbering perfectly. Before where I couldn't peel my eyes away, I can't bear to look anymore.
The thought of sitting beside the two of them seems repulsive, but I can't think of another option. I scan the room for another free chair and there isn't one - everything seems like it's been moved to make room for the heaving bodies present before. I now get my first good look at the house. It's a lot smaller than I'd imagined for all the people crammed inside. I'm far too nervous and terse to go exploring the space any further. Feeling lightheaded, I just need a minute to sit.
Out of options and with a rising panic I plonk myself down next to "Casanova
" and his partner and try to breathe steady. The gentle slurping beside me might as well be nails on a chalkboard. I don't belong here. The awkwardness of everything begins to settle in and I find myself even more uncomfortable. I want to curl up in a ball and die, but I can't curl up cause I'll be getting my shoes on the furniture. I glance to the fabric and see that, to be completely honest, it's ruined anyway. Stained and frayed, the cushions misshapen from over-use, it's a tacky synthetic fabric. I almost regret sitting on it.
But at least now I can wrap myself into the fetal position, hugging my knees to my chest, without guilt. I rest my forehead on my knees, the pressure of the pose against my chest a small comfort. I ask myself for the millionth time what on Earth I was thinking coming to a place like this? Who the hell did I think I was?
My world gets smaller and smaller, and I recede back into my own mind - imagining a better alternative.
♠ ♠ ♠
I don't know what to tell you guys ,,, it's been a long time haha