Status: Baby I'm back! I've been gone for nearly 10 years, so please take the early chapters with a pinch of salt.
To tell, or not to tell.
Problems : School
Problems. Annoying, arn't they? Although, I suppose, if they weren't they wouldn't be problems in the first place. You get the small ones like homework that's due in soon and you get the big ones, like, per chance, you don't have any proper problems. And that in itself is the problem! If you had a problem then the scars on your arms wouldn't make you feel so guilty. They wouldn't make you feel worthless and attention seeking. You could just tell someone, your guidance teacher, and they'd find out the problem. They'd sort it. It'd all be better. Right? But...but if you don't have a problem, how do you fix it? I don't have a problem. Except my small problems. And the scars. Which are my fault anyway so they don't count. So yes, problems. They are like weights. You can only lift so much. You have the small ones that are light and easy to lift, easy to deal with; and the harder ones, that are heavier and harder to lift. The ones that are harder to lift are harder to move so you keep dragging them along with you through life. And eventually, you get tired. You get sore limbs from carrying your problems and this becomes a problem. You can deal with this in different ways. Some get really motivated and thus they get rid of their problems, other's get sad or angry. I get sad and angry. My problems arn't even so big compared to others and yet I get sad and angry. I vent. And how I vent makes a bigger problem. Which causes more stress, which starts the vicious cycle again.
My brother is a dick wad. I hate him at times, I swear I really do! He's not even my brother, really. He's my step-brother. Did I mention he was a dick wad? He's a total creep. He spends all day hibernating in his room playing that stupid X-box of his. He never goes outside. I'm pretty sure at this point direct sun light would burn the boy! Mum gets mad at him for it. She says he should be going out and getting a job. There isn't a lot you can do with a couple of Highers in graphic communications and computing and a bunch of intermediate twos. I'm doing intermediate twos and I'm in fourth year! He's just out of sixth! The point is, he's a lay about. An annoying layabout who spends his free time calling me names and telling me I have no social life. He's also the reason I try so hard in school. My mother is depending on me, really. As is my father. He acts like he doesn't care but his face when I get that good report each year, it's like a light that's just been put on after months of nothing. To be honest, I want good grades too. In the long run, it'll be for the best. I'm an academic person. But when people depend on you, that makes it so much harder. How do you look your mother in the face when you flunked a chemistry test? How do you tell her you're going to fail the most important subject in your time-table? That you're crushing her future? That no, she can't retire nice and early because her daughter didn't get that medical degree or that high paying job? And that's another thing! What I do now in school effects me so many years down the line. One Friday night spent in a club instead of studying could mean I don't get into the university I want. One bad day, one failed test could ruin my life forever.
This is what I'm thinking as I decline the invite to a party at a club and go back to trying to understand Atomic Theory, alienating yet another person from my life and moving me further down the social ladder.
Why are people so judgemental? I'm sitting at the front of the class, I always do, listening intently to the teacher. When she asks a question I know the answer. I can answer and probably get myself a better report but I don't want to look like a teachers pet. So I keep mum. Eventually, my hand goes up, because the pros out weigh the cons. They don't out number them, but in the long run, I remind myself, it's all going to pay off. Five people look at me and scoff, some rolling their eyes as I answer, correctly, and get into a long debate with my teacher about certain techniques the poet used and the alternate meanings they could have. I feel slightly better that the five people scoffing will later ask me for help on their essay. I feel much worse that I know I will help them like a tube so as not to seem mean and cold hearted.
My brother is a dick wad. I hate him at times, I swear I really do! He's not even my brother, really. He's my step-brother. Did I mention he was a dick wad? He's a total creep. He spends all day hibernating in his room playing that stupid X-box of his. He never goes outside. I'm pretty sure at this point direct sun light would burn the boy! Mum gets mad at him for it. She says he should be going out and getting a job. There isn't a lot you can do with a couple of Highers in graphic communications and computing and a bunch of intermediate twos. I'm doing intermediate twos and I'm in fourth year! He's just out of sixth! The point is, he's a lay about. An annoying layabout who spends his free time calling me names and telling me I have no social life. He's also the reason I try so hard in school. My mother is depending on me, really. As is my father. He acts like he doesn't care but his face when I get that good report each year, it's like a light that's just been put on after months of nothing. To be honest, I want good grades too. In the long run, it'll be for the best. I'm an academic person. But when people depend on you, that makes it so much harder. How do you look your mother in the face when you flunked a chemistry test? How do you tell her you're going to fail the most important subject in your time-table? That you're crushing her future? That no, she can't retire nice and early because her daughter didn't get that medical degree or that high paying job? And that's another thing! What I do now in school effects me so many years down the line. One Friday night spent in a club instead of studying could mean I don't get into the university I want. One bad day, one failed test could ruin my life forever.
This is what I'm thinking as I decline the invite to a party at a club and go back to trying to understand Atomic Theory, alienating yet another person from my life and moving me further down the social ladder.
Why are people so judgemental? I'm sitting at the front of the class, I always do, listening intently to the teacher. When she asks a question I know the answer. I can answer and probably get myself a better report but I don't want to look like a teachers pet. So I keep mum. Eventually, my hand goes up, because the pros out weigh the cons. They don't out number them, but in the long run, I remind myself, it's all going to pay off. Five people look at me and scoff, some rolling their eyes as I answer, correctly, and get into a long debate with my teacher about certain techniques the poet used and the alternate meanings they could have. I feel slightly better that the five people scoffing will later ask me for help on their essay. I feel much worse that I know I will help them like a tube so as not to seem mean and cold hearted.