We Can't Forget Last Summer

"That's what you're wearing?"

My mother stared at me as if I was infected with some sort of plague. The distaste and unsatisfied look stretched across her face, even in her puckered lips. Her eyes trailed up and down my body and once she was finished, she let out a heavy, exaggerated sigh.

I looked at myself in the mirror carefully. I actually loved the dress I was wearing, but I knew from the minute I bought it my mother would not be to thrilled. It was tight, and navy blue- a color she despised as it was. The lace sleeves and the lace covering was my favorite part about it, but it was probably her least.

I sucked in a breath and turned to my mother. "It's not like I want to be doing this."

She tensed up and rolled her eyes, slightly turning to exit the room. "You'll thank me someday. At least I hope," She began to walk down the hallway. "Hurry. He will be here soon."

I sat down on the edge of my bed and let out a thick breath."God," I mumbled. This really was the last thing I wanted to be doing. If I could just go back to a month ago when I was hanging out with Austin and Rod everything would be great. Would be having fun, drinking beers, and singing all by ourselves.

But Austin had to leave. A month went by. And Rod had to get a job.

Three damn months since I was in Arizona. Two months since the picture John sent me. One month since his last drunken voicemail.

It was sad that I missed the voicemails. They were just full of bitterness, sorrow and desperation- I shouldn't have enjoyed them as much as I did. Well, enjoyed isn't quite the word I was looking for. It was more like a relief to hear the messages. It told me he still cared. It told me he was still here. It told me he was just as sad I was.

I really should just move on, but I don't think people realize how difficult that actually is. Rod gets annoyed from time to time with my broken heart and desperate looks at the photograph John sent me. But then again, who wouldn't be annoyed? Still, Rod managed to soothe and comfort me. He really was a good friend.

But he had to pay for his rent bills one way or another. So, instead of visiting me at the office on weekdays or taking me on some sort of an adventure on the weekends, I was the one to stop by at the ever so lovely Hop-Bop Burger.

The place was a fucking tsunami whenever I walked through the front door. Kids running everywhere; parent's chasing after the fuckers. It smelt like shit. The floor was always sticky. And god, the food was horrendous.

The best though was Rod in his bright yellow and orange uniform. It really was ridiculous seeing him in it. Anyone would be a fool to think Rod wasn't attractive- I'm not lying when I say he could be a model. He bright blue, piercing eyes stopped anyone in their path, while his chocolate, shaggy brown hair had that perfect sexy, messy look going on. His high cheekbones were a rare feature anyone treasured and his crystal teeth stuck out like a light.

So, to see this model like kid in a hideous uniform was just hysterical.

Mothers would stop in their tracks and ask him for help, even though they clearly didn't need it. Rod was simply suppose to clean up the piss on the floor, not help the mothers wrangle their children and he was certainly not suppose to accept their phone numbers.

But Rod, being the sneaky bastard he was would flirt back with these cougars. He even accepted several phone numbers.

Anyway, because of this, I hardly saw the kid anymore. Most of my time was spent at the office doing nothing and then at home doing nothing. Well, technically I was doing something. Sulking.

A small knock sounded on my open door. My eyes flickered over to the entrance of my room to find Rod standing there, smiling softly.

"Hey," My voice was small and unenthusiastic.

Rod swallowed, sucked in a breath and walked towards me. "It's just one night."

I shook my head and looked up at him. "You and I both know what this is. You know I'm not getting out of it."

He bit his lip and plopped down on my bed next to me. We sat on the edge in silence for several moments. I looked down at his blue jeans, several rips and tares in them. My mother probably took one look at him and had to excuse herself from the room. The thought almost brought a smile to my lips.

"Maybe you should look at this in a good way." He suggested.

I didn't even make eye contact this time. "In no way is this ever going to be good."

"Maybe it will help you get over him."

Now my head shot up, my eyes pleading for Rod to just drop it even though this conversation just begun. I didn't want to talk about John. John was only allowed in my thoughts; never in my words.

I looked at Rod, my eyes wandering to his. I swallowed hard and sucked in a breath. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't. I didn't even know what to say.

Rod sat next to me, perched up, his arms straight and gripping onto the edge of the mattress. He stared at me, something curious in his eyes. He was waiting for me to say something, but there was no way that was going to happen.

The second it happened I wasn't quite sure what was going on. Rod jolted forward, pressing his lips hard against mine, causing me to jolt as well. Still, as quick as it happened, it ended. He pulled back, his eyes wide and shaking his eye.

I was even phased. I just looked at him tiredly. I could easily just go ahead and make out with him- that's what the old me would have done. But that girl was so far gone I could hardly remember her. I left that girl here in Nevada and when I returned she ran off. She as long gone.

So I just sighed heavily and looked back at the door. Rod didn't mean it- I know he didn't. It was just an experiment.

"I'm sorry- I just had to know what it was like."

He swallowed hard and started to fidget lightly. I chuckled softly and looked at him. "I don't think I've ever seen you like this before."

He sucked in a breath and calmed down. "You get it, right?"

I nodded my head. "It's fine."

"I just wanted to make sure."

I smiled lightly. "I know."

"Carson!" I heard my mother's vice echo through the walls of my house. I sucked in a breath and stood up, smoothing my dress.

"Showtime." I mumbled, raising my eyebrows at Rod and walking away.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This was already a disaster and it had just started.

Marcus's hands were rough and cracked, but not like John's from playing guitar. No Marcus's skin was dry and maybe it was because he held my hand to tight, but either way I despised this.

We sat at some fancy seafood restaurant. Marcus asked for us to sit outside although it was just about sixty five degrees out. Number one, I hated seafood. Number two, it was fucking cold and I was wearing a fucking dress.

We ordered our food, the waitress took our menus and we sat in the most uncomfortable silence of my life.

Marcus cleared his throat and looked around the outside area. "This is a nice place, isn't it?"

I rolled my eyes, folding my arms over my chest. "Sure."

I could tell he was annoyed by his pouted lips and rolling eyes. This made me smirk deviously. The engineer continued on making small talk until our food arrived, then we ate in silence.

Suddenly, my phone rang in my pocket. The sound of it startled and scared me for a moment, but once realizing what it was, I nearly jumped on my purse. I grabbed the phone and turned to Marcus, excusing myself.

I walked to the front of the restaurant and answered my phone eagerly. "Hello?"

"Look in the parking lot." It was Rod's voice. I glanced up to find him in his car flashing his lights at me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Saving you. Now come on."

I didn't think twice about it. I ran into the parking lot and jumped into Rod's car. He took off pretty fast and we began to laugh. "He's gonna be so pissed once he realizes you ditched him." He chuckled.

My face hurt my smiling so much. "I'm gonna get my ass whooped."

"Nah," Rod shook his head. "my brother has too much pride to admit his date ditched him. He'll end up telling my dad it was a success."

"Oh," I chirped, "nice!"

Rod turned up the radio and started making his way down the road.

"Where are we going?" I asked curiously.

"Bonfire." His eyes lit up.

So Rod and I went to a bonfire. I didn't know the people there- but I didn't really care. I had my first sip of alcohol in a month and to say at the least, I was pretty happy. I danced to music and completely forgot about how cold I was. I forgot about Marcus waiting at the restaurant. I forgot about my parents. I even forgot about John for several moments.

And that's when she returned.

She was missing for so long I had almost forgot about her too. She grabbed more beer and chugged them down, she vied for the attention of others all while being discreet at the same time. He showed up her legs and bit her lip seductively whenever someone glanced her way.

"And you are?" I turned around to come face to face with a rather buff and blonde guy.

I smirked. "Does it matter?"

And we danced. We touched. We laughed. We grinned.

But we didn't talk.

I don't know what happened to Rod, but I was convinced he was off making out with some chick that fell for his charm and model like looks. That made me feel less bad about moving towards and behind the dunes with this stranger.

We crashed landed onto the sand, letting out chuckles and giggles as we did so. Almost instantly he was on top of me. His hands held onto my behind, squeezing and releasing. I placed my hands on his stomach feeling his abs. I moaned lightly as his lips touched my neck.

He was rough. I wasn't used to it. Or maybe I was I just didn't remember. I had such soft and gentle lips for a time. They were the only ones I remembered.

His hands traveled up my dress as he pinned me against the cold sand. They played with the hem of my panty line. I gently pushed the hand away, but it simply retreated back to it's original spot. I then smacked it away.

He then grinned. "Rough?"

He pined me harder against the ground and I let the forbidden name out.

"John,"

The guy chuckled. "Not John, but whatever."

I placed my hands on his chest. This wasn't the skinny, scrawny and lanky body I was used to. I pushed him away, shaking my head. "I'm sorry."

"Come on baby. I'll be easy."

I shook my head once again and whimpered out, "No."

He sighed heavily and rolled off me. "Prude bitch." He muttered under his breath.

We stood up together and he started to mumbled other shit under his breath. I shook my head, turning to him and taking all my anger out through one hand. I slapped him harder than I had ever slapped.

He went on the ground, groaning in pain.

"Why don't you shut the fuck up. You don't fucking mess with someone like me, got that? Maybe you'd actually have a girlfriend if you treated a girl right." I started to march away, but then walked back to him.

"You know, I used to think I knew this guy," I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. "I thought he was the biggest player and douchebag I had ever met. But guess what? He wasn't. And he ended up being a fucking virgin and he ended up being my boyfriend. And you know what asshole? I ended up loosing my virginity to him."

I snapped around and walked away triumphantly. Okay, so obviously the end of that was a lie , but part of me hoped it would have happened. Either way, that dick wouldn't know the truth either.

When I got back to the fire, Rod was sitting with some girl. I sighed heavily, sat down on a log and stared into the blazing fire. It was relaxing.

"Ready to go?" Rod surprised me by leaving the girl.

I looked up at him. "Are you?"

He nodded his head. "Just a bunch of trashy rich kids here. No one special."

I smiled. "You got that right."

I'm not quite sure why exactly, but Rod and I decided to walk home. Although the cold November air was brisk and stung against our skin there was something so liberating and wonderful about it. The air made us feel infinite; invincible.

So we walked home in silence- a comfortable one. A knowing silence. I sucked in the air and closed my eyes as we walked. I could do that- close my eyes. I knew Rod would be there.

For a second I thought about how I would never see John again. Reality had finally hit. I wouldn't be seeing him ever again and I just needed to get over him. He was going to marry some chick and have a bunch of babies and I had to marry someone at some point, right? And it wasn't going to be him. And sure, I was twenty and had a lot of time to think about this, but no matter what, I knew I wouldn't be marrying or ever seeing John again. It just wasn't going to happen.

So I knew I would just have to settle for someone. Settling is always looked at in such a bad light, when in reality it isn't all that bad. As long as what your settling for is okay. So I thought about how one day Rod and I could settle for each other. We wouldn't find love because we pushed everyone who loved us away. Hardly anyone loved us to begin with anyone. And we loved each other- but not in that love way. We just care about each other and god, at this point in my life I feel like that's the only thing that matters.

Love is irrelevant. It doesn't matter and I'm really starting to believe it doesn't exist. So because of this, I know settling for Rod will be easy. I'll marry him someday and I'll have his kids and neither of us will have a problem with that. It may not be what our hearts desired exactly, but that's life. Right? It's not fair to begin with. We only get some things we wish for. And I got John- even if it was for a small amount of time. I had him and I fucked up. Therefore, I should face the consequences. And in this case, the consequence is having to settle. Which all in all, isn't that bad of a punishment.

But my thoughts came to a dead halt as we neared my house.

It was dark out, my house was a dark shade of blue and I could really only see the clouds of our breath in the air. My cloud disappeared upon seeing it.

It just sat there in out driveway. It was a complete eye soar to our wonderfully put together house. But fuck, I didn't give a shit. It was wonderful to me.

I loved it. I seriously loved it and I never think I could. I mean, really, there was a point in time where I was scared of it.

So I just stared and stopped in my tracks because there it sat. That ugly thing. That sketchy thing.

That fucking white van.