We Can't Forget Last Summer

"Carson?"

Just his voice, something so simple and so innocent, made me feel like falling to the ground in millions of grains of sand. He took a step towards me, hunching over slightly with wide eyes almost as if he really didn't realize it was me. He was doubting himself. He didn't want me to be here.

I let out a shaky breath, a quivering smile on my lips, causing them to ache. "Hi," I breathed out, exasperatedly.

He stood up straight, his lips and jaw soft and I watched as as inhaled a light breath. He licked his lips gently and for a split second I watched as his eyes averted to my lips. For that brief moment, I thought he would kiss me. I wanted him to. But he didn't. It was just nonsense.

The crowd was shouting his name loudly and I listened as Garrett spoke into his microphone. "Uh... John?"

John didn't budge from his spot though. It was just the two of us on the side of the stage. I was curious to where everyone else was, but I ignored this thought. I swallowed hard and as I spoke, my throat ached.

"You should go."

He tucked his lips in and nodded his head. He slowly walked away from me, picking up his beer bottle and taking yet another swig and walking out onto stage.

I walked towards the side stage and stared blankly out at the guys as they launched into their first song. I exhaled heavily and leaned against the wall. I closed my eyes, trying to strictly listen to the music and not think about John, but jeez, when he is the one singing it's sort of hard.

I wanted his lips on mine again. I wanted him holding me down and his body on mine. I wanted my fingers to get tangled in his hair. I just wanted him.

But that was obviously not going to happen.

"The guys told em you would be making an appearance."

I glanced over to my left to find Tim standding there, a smug grin on his face. I jumped up and engulfed him in a hug. "TIM!" I squeezed tightly as he hugged me back.

"It's good to see you Carson. How have you been?"

I shrugged. "I'm all good. Nothing special. How about you?"

He laughed. "Same old, same old," He eyed me up and down. "Jeez, where did you just come from?"

"The office." I rolled my eyes.

"I can tell. You look like a real business woman."

I chuckled. "Well thank you."

"So, telling by how long it took John to get his ass on stage I'm assuming the two of you have been reacquainted?"

I sucked in a breath. "I suppose you can call it that."

Tim wrapped an arm around my shoulders and patted them gently. "I heard about what happened at that party. Pretty rough. Don't let John get away with any shit."

My eyes lit up and I cocked an eyebrow at Tim. "What?" I asked.

"Didn't he call you a slut or whore or something?"

It was almost as if I had completely forgotten about that. Here I am, thinking John is going to be pissed at me meanwhile, he was at fault just as much as I was. I sucked in a breath and nodded my head. "Yeah, I seem to have blocked that part out of my memory."

"Well, sorry for reminding you. Hopefully you two can clear some things up."

I scratched the back of my head. "It doesn't seem to probable, but I'll try."

After that, I sort of zoned out. My eyes were glued to John's lanky body and I somehow managed to tune out the music. I didn't hear anything. It was just John and only John.

It wasn't until about the fourth song in I realized there was something wrong. "Fuck," Tim mumbled, running a hand through his hair and sucking in a deep breath, his eyes on John.

I snapped out of my trance and listened as John struggled through Into Your Arms. He continued stuttering and taking deep breaths. Finally, he managed to get a hang on the song, but he stood with no enthusiasm on the stage. Occasionally, he would look back towards the side of the stage.

"It's my fault, isn't it?" I muttered.

"It's not your fault. I mean really, it's his. He just can't handle you here."

"I'll leave." I nodded my head, backing up but not before Tim caught me by the arm and pulled me back.

"The damage is done. There's no point."

I watched the rest of the set all while cringing. The guys were great, but John laced his usual appeal and stage presence. He barely talked between songs and drank his two beers, causing his voice to become rough.

I walked to the backstage room with Tim and waited for the guys to come in. I sat on the couch, fidgeting and tapping my feet anxious. The knot in my throat was still there; even bigger than before.

"Don't worry," Tim offered me a sympathetic smile. "everything will be fine."

I nodded my head, although I really didn't believe him whatsoever. Suddenly, I hear the boy's voices voices fill the hallway and before I knew it, they were in the room, rushing over to me. I stood up and hugged each one of them, aside from the one that was missing. I told the guys that they did great as usual and we all sat down and began to catch up.

Their European tour was a success and this new tour that they were on only began about a week before. They filled me in on small details, including pranks that were pulled and accidents on stage while playing.

Sooner or later, the tone in the room settled down and I figured it was time for me to leave. I had to wake up at five tomorrow morning for work anyway. I stood up, letting up a sigh and pushed out a half hearted smile. "I better get going you guys."

"What!? No!" Pat complained.

I shrugged. "I have to get up early for work tomorrow."

Jared chuckled softly. "Look at you- a real businesswoman."

"What can I say?" I bit back a smile.

It was hard to say goodbye. Saying goodbye twice was even worse. I swallowed the large knot in my throat as I hugged each and every one of them- saying goodbye until next time. As I walked out of the venue I couldn't help but feel relief that a certain someone hadn't made an appearance. It was better this way. Despite this, guilt hung in my stomach for scaring John off.

I walked to the side of the venue parking lot, pulling out my keys in the process. Before I could find them I spotted a figure, smoke releasing from their mouth and a beer held in one hand sitting on the curb.

I sucked in a deep breath. I'm not sure why I walked over- I was in the clear. I guess it was partly because I just couldn't forget about him. I had to have some sort of closure.

I sat down next to him, my eyes instantly connecting with the lit cigarette held in between hi index and middle finger.

"You smoke?" I asked, my eyes narrowing in on him.

He took a long drag then released the cloud of smoke. He exhaled lightly and pursed his lips together. He then shrugged. "A recent habit I've picked up."

I bit my bottom lip, angry with him and angry at myself. Part of me believed I was the reason to why he picked up his first drag. Either way, I tried my best to push this thought out of my head- escaping it forever.

"It's not good for you. You know that, right?" I licked my lips anxiously, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, well, neither is a summer romance, but I went ahead and did that too, didn't I?" He glanced over at me, eyebrows raised.

My eyes averted to the pavement below us. I swallowed hard and looked back up at him. "You're so damn stubborn." I muttered.

He pushed out a dry laugh. "And you're not?"

"Can we stop beating around the bush?" I asked, irritated.

"I'm ready when you are."

I pursed my lips and sat up straight, my arms folded over my chest. John glanced up at me, cocking an eyebrow. He shrugged. "What?"

"I'm waiting for an apology. That's what."

"An apology?" He asked, laughing dryly once again. "Are you kidding me?"

I fumed. "You can't just send me a picture of us and write 'I'm Sorry' underneath it, John. That doesn't make everything blue skies and fucking rainbows again."

"Well where's my apology?" He snapped, holding a hand on his chest. "I never got one."

My eyes widened. "What do you want? I'm sorry for breaking up with you? I'm sorry you liked me more than I liked you?"

John pointed at me sternly. "That's bullshit and you know it. You liked me just as much."

"Fine!" I stood up, stomping my feet along the way. "Fine John! I'm sorry for wanting to make a future for myself. I'm sorry that the summer couldn't last forever. And of course, I'm sorry that I couldn't live and mooch off of you for the rest of my life."

John stood up as well, throwing his cigarette to the ground and crushing it with his foot. "You want an apology? Okay. Here it goes. I'm sorry that I never had sex with you because I was looking out for you. I'm sorry that I introduced you to my entire family to make sure they knew how much I liked you. I'm sorry that I loved you Carson. I'm truly, fucking sorry!" He raised his shoulders and held out his arms.

I rolled my eyes, folding my arms over my chest. "Please John. You did not love me. Don't feed your brain with that crap. I thought you were smarter than that."

"Nope- please your damn self. You wouldn't know love if it bit you in the ass. And I loved you. Okay? I knew I loved you the second you snorted while laughing when we were in the van on our way to California. That's when I knew it."

"Well, whoopee de fucking doo. I'm not dealing with this bullshit." I snapped around and began walking to my car.

John jumped in front of me, blocking my way. "And you wanna know when I knew I liked you? When you yelled at me for grabbing your wrist."

I shook my head, walking around him. John reached his arms out, grabbing my waist and pulling me towards him.

We were close; I could feel his breath on my face. I could even make him out in the darkness. "And you wanna know when I knew when I wanted to marry you someday?"

I didn't respond.

John let out a shaky breath and his voice lowered. "When I came home after being in the hospital for Shane and the night your parents came, only to find you in my bed."

I held my breath and I found our bodies pressing up against one another. I watched as John's closed and he began leaning in. I placed a hand on his chest in protest and backed away, shaking my head.

"We've always hated each other John. I can't be with someone I hate. I'm just going to end up like my parents."

"We don't hate each other though. You just want to think that because you're scared," he took a step towards me. "You're scared of me Carson."

I ran a hand through my hair, frustrated. "You said that you loved me John. Loved. You don't love me anymore. I wouldn't either. Whatever this is, it's not going to work."

"Then why did you come tonight? Think about it!"

I shook my head. "I came because you guys are my friends."

"And?"

I swallowed hard, sucking a breath and looking at him in the eyes. "I wanted to end this. Officially and properly."

John's lips parted slightly and then he glanced towards the ground. I watched as his adam's apple bobbed and he let out a breath. "I'm sorry for that night. The party, I mean."

I shrugged. "I'm sorry too, I guess."

John fidgeted and I knew there was something else he had to say. He struggled for a moment before breathing out, "I need to tell you something and it may seem weird but I feel like you should know."

"Yeah?" I asked.

John paused for a minute, licking his lips and scratching the back of his neck. His arms plopped down and he looked at me with sorrow in his eyes.

"I lost it."

"Lost it?" I asked, slightly unsure of what to say.

He swallowed hard and hunched his shoulders up. "You know," He raised his eyebrows. "my virginity."

It seemed as if I swallowed a damn brick, hitting every organ on the way down. There was no saliva left in mouth or throat so I just stood there, hopelessly hopeless.

"Oh," I muttered.

John nodded his head, not responding.

"Okay," I nodded my head. "I should probably get going on."

My eyes stung and I already felt like an idiot. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't made up some stupid fantasy in my head about sleeping with John. I shouldn't have even thought of him after I left.

"Please don't be upset, Carson."

I shook my head; my eyes stinging in the darkness. " I don't. It's just that I don't know why I came over here to talk to you tonight. It was useless. We're still just mad at each other. I wanted to solve things. I wanted to work things out."

"The only way that's going to happen is if we get back together."

I could no longer see John, but I knew his eyes were pleading. I strictly shook my head. "I can't. You can't. We were never good together."

"We were great together. You're just blind, apparently."

I rolled my eyes."Don't do this, John. They're are better people out there."

"No there aren't."

"You have to leave me alone."

"I can't."

By now we were at my car. I was just about to open my car door when in one swift motion, John pinned me up against the car, our bodies pressing together.

"I only want you."

All the thoughts of him had vanished. I couldn't be with him. Just because he was here didn't mean anything. It didn't mean that we would move in together or I would get a life. I had to do things. Three months passed and to be honest, hardly anything had changed.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Please stop changing your mind so often."

John simply looked at me; slowly realizing what I meant.

"I broke your heat. I tore you to pieces. Hate me. Do it. I know you want to." I clenched my teeth in agony, waiting for him to utter the words out.

John's hands dropped to his sides and he stood up straight. He let out a breath, shaking his head.

"I may not like you in this stupid work attire or when you're decked out in all this rich clothing, but shit Carson, I can't hate you. I never did."

I hung on his very last word and then simply opened my car door. As I slid in, I heard John mutter one last phrase.

"I don't think I can."