If I Could Gather Up the Nerve

Riley,

I know I’ve done you wrong, and I can’t stomach to keep feeling like this. I don’t know, I guess I just feel horrible about this all. I mean, eggshells are easier to walk on than scorching lava rocks, right?

I messed up with you, Riley, and I just want to take a chance to make things right. I know you probably don’t want to have this brought up, but it’s not fair for either us to keep living as though nothing happened.

Inside are some photos of us and Ethan—the ones your mom took during her picnic in the backyard. I haven’t really touched them, since the whole ordeal happened, and I just figured that your mom would want them.

I’ve had them sealed in this envelope for the longest time, and I didn’t want to take them out until you forgave me, or until I could forgive myself. I just figured they’d be stuck inside forever because I don’t think I could ever forgive myself.

Riles, I’m really sorry for what happened. I didn’t mean for it to, and you have to believe me with it. I… lost myself. I was scared of reality and needed some sort of escape. I know that’s not an excuse, but damn it, I’m sorry. This has been tearing me apart, ever since it happened.

Just please forgive me… even if you really don’t mean it. I’ll take what I can get because I know I ruined the best years of your life. Just, please, Riley.

--------------------------- Aiden.

I clenched my fists, throwing the letter to the floor. I dumped the envelope’s contents onto my bed, cursing under my breath as the pictures told wordless stories of happier times.

The first one was of me, holding a delicious looking apple. I was dressed as Snow White, staring at the apple as my hair blew softly in the wind. Mom had done my makeup and let Aiden take the picture.

“Come on, sweetie,” mommy grinned, watching as I continued chewing on the apple.

I giggled, as Aiden picked me up. I squealed, as his fingers curled around and started to tickle me. He pressed his mouth against my cheek, causing noises to escape through the limited gap.

“Daddy,” I continued squeal, throwing my tiny arms around his neck.

He smiled halfheartedly, setting me back down on my feet, “Now, Snow White, be good, and let mommy take your picture,” he handed my apple back to me.

The second was of me, my hair slightly longer. Aiden’s hand was clamped around my tiny one; Ethan’s softly touching my other. Mom took the picture, and I remember her smile bright and lively. My first day of school.

“But why?” I whined, watching as Aiden pushed my shoes onto my feet, matching my navy blue, ruffle dress, “I don’t wanna leave you and mommy.”

Aiden chuckled, meeting my gaze, “School’s good for you, buttercup.”

“Nuh uh,” I protested, crossing my arms over my chest, “I can’t be with you!”

He laughed, shaking his head, “Come on, Riles. You’ll make friends, get to play on a bigger jungle gym, swing on the swings and a lot more fun stuff.”

I made a face of disgust, “But—”

“No buts,” he grinned, flashing his teeth, “Now, let’s get you and Ethan and get you to school.”

The third was of me, lips against the wood jungle gym in our backyard. Ethan was in the background, getting ready to go down the slide, as I watched Aiden take the photo with my big eyes.

“Come on, Riley,” Aiden laughed, cooing to me, “it’s lunch time.”

I shook my head, gripping onto the side of the wood. I watched him, eyes big, as he continued laughing. He took the picture, just before the wind picked up. Ethan slid down before the picture was taken and landed on the ground in a ‘tada’ position.

I watched as Ethan ran inside and Aiden drew closer. He stood next to the end of the slide, smile still locked on his face.

“Come on, sweets,” Aiden cooed, bending down as I stood at the mouth of the yellow tunnel.

I peered through the bars, beaming as he held his arms out, ready to catch me, “Here I come,” I whispered, sitting down on the plastic and pushed myself down.

“Got’cha,” Aiden grinned, holding me in the air. He spun me around, allowing me to giggle madly, before pulling me back against his body, “I love you, Riles.”

I grinned, smarter now and knew he wasn’t my father, “I love you too, Aiden!”

I shook my head feverishly, ignoring the rest of the photos as I pushed them to the floor. I closed my eyes as the tears flooded from them and groaned.

My mind was spinning, as I shook my head. I clenched my hands in my hair, as my door creaked open and Ethan watched me.

“Who was it from?” he whispered, kneeling down in front of me.

“Aiden,” I whispered, all emotions draining from my body, as I met my brother’s fury, “he-he regrets it.”

“That doesn’t make up for what he did, Riley,” Ethan spat, forcing me to jump slightly, “You can’t even be normal with me because of him.”