If I Could Gather Up the Nerve

I clenched my fists, staring out the kitchen window above the sink and watched mom back out of the driveway. I was left alone to fight off my memories, seeing as she and Ethan had to work. I took a drink from my water bottle, before turning and walking into the living room.

I glanced at the phone perched on the table, biting on my lower lip. I pulled the letter from Aiden out of my hoodie pocket and reread the line after his name.

Call me, please, just let me find some way to make it up to you.

I grabbed the phone, sitting on the couch as my fingers shook. I dialed the seven digit number, holding the white, cordless device to my ear.

“Hello?” his voice was hoarse, almost like he’d spent a night of crying, like I used to.

“H-hi,” I whispered, not even sure he could hear me, “It-it’s Riley.”

The line was quiet for a moment, before he cleared his throat, “Hi, Riles,” he coughed again, “Uh, how are you?”

I winced slightly, biting on my lower lip, “Fine,” I lied, still keeping my voice low, “What-what about you?”

“Could be better,” he chuckled evenly, “How is everyone? Your mom? Ethan?”

“Good,” I looked down at my free hand, clenching it slightly, “Mom, uh, got that new job.”

“That’s great,” he seemed like he had a smile locked against his lips, “How’s everything on your end?”

“Okay, I guess,” I sucked in a breath, awkward sweeping over my features like a street cleaner.

“This sucks,” he laughed a bit more loudly, “doing this over the phone, I mean. Uh, can we meet up, maybe?”

I grooved my forehead, noting how many places Ethan could see us from. I bit my lower lip, closing my eyes as I drew in a breath, “What about that little café across town?”

“Say in an hour?”

“Y-yeah, an hour,” I bit my lip as he confirmed it and hung up. I set the phone back on the holder, before getting to my feet.

I walked upstairs and headed into my closet. I pulled out my black sleeves and purple body baseball tee, grabbing a pair of flare jeans. I grabbed a black bra and the matching underwear, before heading into the bathroom.

I showered, shaking lightly all the way, before stepping out and getting dressed. I blew dry my hair, I straightened it and pulled it into a high pony tail, leaving out my bangs. I applied eyeliner and dark eye shadow, before walking into my room.

I pulled my deep purple Converse on, sliding my belt through the loops and then locked my purple and black studded bracelet against my wrist. I glanced at myself in my body length mirror that hung on the back of my door, sucking in a deep breath.

I was off to meet the monster that was more than just a creature hiding under my bed or in my closet, and why I wasn’t about to break down was beyond me.

- - - -

I pushed open the door, glancing around the small, food ridden area as I gnawed on my lower lip. I held my right arm with my left hand, meeting a pair of green eyes I thought I’d never see again.

I took a seat across from him, clamping my hands together under the table, as I watched him smile weakly.

“I thought you wouldn’t show,” he admitted, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Me either,” I looked down at the table, continuing to chew on my lip as though there were no food left in the world.

“How are you?” Aiden brought my eyes up towards his, “I mean, you look tired.”

“I’m okay,” I lied, watching him.

I licked my lips, as the waitress brought his food and my water. I took a sip of it, watching as he picked at the plate.

“You’re sure you’re not hungry?” he watched me, eyes lighting up slightly.

I nodded, cracking a fake smile. I leaned back, biting my lower lip as I looked around the quaint space.

“I really am sorry, Riley,” Aiden sighed, shaking his head.

I noted the lip ring missing, nodding slowly, “It’s, uh, fine. I guess. I mean, things are just weird, you know?” I trailed off.

“Weird how?” he stopped eating at this point.

My heart pounded harder against my chest. I watched him, as he kept his eyes locked with mine, not daring to move them even for a second. Something was off about this whole situation.

I shrugged, shaking my head as my voice locked in my throat. I blew out of my nose, eyes watering slightly, “I should go.”

“Wait, Riley,” he caught my arm, as I got to my feet. He got to his feet as well, using his other hand to pull out a twenty and slap it on the table, “Walk with me, yeah?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice or myself, as we exited the café. He rested his hand on my shoulder, guiding us down the street.

Something felt different about Aiden. I didn’t feel frightened to be around him, like I used to. He had a nicer vibe to him—almost like he truly was apologetic for all the damages he had caused. Something about the way he talked and walked with me just made me feel safe for once.

But why all of a sudden did he feel the need to get in contact with me and express regret?

Aiden stopped me, once we got to the end of the street corner. He sighed, turning to watch me and gripped my wrists lightly, “Riley,” he started, closing his head and sighed, “I’m really sorry.”

I opened my mouth, going to speak. Did I forgive him?