Little hope

“Isabel, can you come in here a second?”

Oh no. This meant the long dreaded ‘talk’ about what I was going to do was coming. I still had conflicting feelings, but I wasn’t going to let her bully me into having an abortion. It would be a quick procedure and I could get on with my life, but that felt like giving up. This baby had been forced upon me, but I didn’t want to carelessly throw it away just because of the circumstances through which it was conceived. To me, that felt cruel and weak. I wanted to prove that I could get over this, I would recover and I can live my life again, just with the addition of a child. It made sense in my head, but I was sure my mum would pick apart my resolve with her infuriatingly logic mind.

I made my way slowly into the living room and sat down opposite her.

“I think you know what this is about.” She smiled sardonically. “We need to talk about what we’re going to do about this... pregnancy.”

I smiled inwardly at the ‘we’, as if she was somehow trying to involve herself in my decision. I also noted that she was reluctant to say baby, as if that would make it more real.

“I don’t want an abortion.”

She visibly stiffened, her shoulders tensed and she looked down at me. She didn’t expect such a blunt reply.

“Dear, you have to have an abortion. A child would ruin your life.” She was perfectly composed, but spoke slowly, warningly.

“A child would change my life, certainly, but I don’t think it would ruin it.”

“And how is that, exactly?” Her facade was melting and she showed visible frustration. “You wouldn’t be able to go to school so you would have no qualifications, you would not be able to get a job and sustain yourself, and you would have the burden of a child for 18 years. It is a full time commitment, and you’re far too young to have that responsibility.”

“It’s not like I chose this! I never wanted a baby, and if I could go back, I would, but I can’t, and I don’t want to kill this child out of fear or regret.” I felt anger slowly simmering, and the tips of my fingers began to tingle. I would not let her do this.

“Of course you didn’t want this, but that is the miracle of modern medicine, you have a choice now! You can choose to live your life normally; no one would even know!” She wringed her hands and stared wildly at me.

“I will not punish an innocent being for the evil acts of another.” I was absolutely resolute.

“The child would only remind you of him.”

“I don’t even remember him, mum! Don’t be ridiculous!” My voice was raised, something I’d never done to her before, but I felt so passionate about this: she would not sway me.

“This is my choice, and I choose to keep this child.”

“You are a child! You are under the age of 18, therefore I am your guardian and have a say in this. I will not allow this! I will not allow you to ruin your life!” She was now full-on shouting, which I had never seen from her either, and a vein was bulging in her temple.

“You can advise me, but you do not have the authority to force me into an abortion I do not want. I can get home educated while the baby is young, and I will get a job. I’m not stupid...”

“That’s exactly the point!” She half-screamed, manically. “You are a smart girl, you have so much potential and you are throwing it all away for some impossible fantasy!”

“Is that really all you care about?! I will get a good job, it will just take me a little longer. Do you really feel no emotion? This is a living child we are talking about, not some plaything you can throw away if you please!” I was incredulous. Was she really so cold?

“I just care about you. You are too young for this. And it is not a child, it is a foetus, and would feel no pain if you were to...”

“You heartless, hypocritical bitch!” My anger exploded in one regrettable outburst. I couldn’t believe she was trying to coerce me into having an abortion.

“You are just worried about your own reputation if you have a ‘teen mother’ as a daughter. No! I will be better than you. I refuse to be the cold shell of a person you have become; I’d rather have real emotion, feel love, which you seem to be incapable of! You disgust me.”

And there I left her, quietly seething on the sofa, absolutely stunned silent.