Little hope

So far, so good. A week after going back to school, everyone was treating me normally and I hadn’t heard any rumours about myself. Not that I would have expected Eve to tell anyone, but when you have a secret, it feels like people can tell just by looking at you. I averted my eyes whenever anyone looked directly at me, and even just walking around the school buildings, I felt so exposed. Eve stayed close by my side as much as she could, and she was both understanding and honest when I needed it.

She warned me of the responsibility I was undertaking in my decision, but she knew I wasn’t stupid and understood exactly what I was getting myself into.

“I’m going to be honest with you, hun. If I were you, I would have an abortion. I, personally, don’t feel ready for the responsibility of a child, but you have always been a little more mature than me, and I want you to know you have my support, my admiration, even – you are so brave.” She spoke plainly and without any pretences.

“Thank you, Eve. Really, you don’t know how much it means to me.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to... tell anyone else? I think keeping such a small number of people knowing must be difficult.”

I laughed bitterly. “I somehow doubt everyone would be as accepting as you. For now at least, I want to keep it quiet. I’m not ashamed; I just really can’t deal with the stress of being harassed by people who don’t even know me.”

*

It was almost two weeks since I returned to school, and I was starting to get used to it. The weight of my secret was no less, but I felt more relaxed as I grew in confidence people would not find out. I could at least talk to people, as long as it was flippant and didn’t detail what happened during the summer holidays. I glazed over the polite questions if I had a nice holiday with a vague answer, enough at least to stop people getting suspicious. My pregnancy wouldn’t show for another few months, and I was determined to stay at school as long as I could, as I knew it would be the last normal education I received. Also, I just really wanted to saviour the essence of normalcy and being a teenager while I still had the chance. It’s only when something, in this case my freedom, is taken from you that you really appreciate it.

My mum mostly ignored me, which was perfectly fine by me. The red hot fury had been replaced by cold indifference, much like she was before this all happened, and as long as I did nothing to provoke her, she would never try to provoke me. I thought she was probably trying to think of a convincing argument to make me have an abortion – she most certainly had not given up, but realised just threatening me would not work. To protect her own reputation, she couldn’t possibly have a teen mother for a daughter, and she would fight her case hard, even if she hurt me in the process.

I didn’t let it bother me; I knew I could speak to Eve if I had a problem. It wasn’t like I was unused to this coldness from my mother, and I knew how to deal with it. Generally, I was quite an introverted person and kept things to myself, so I didn’t need a group of people to feel sympathy for me.

Also, apart from needing to go to the toilet more than normal, I actually felt fine. I had been reading up a lot about morning sickness and the ‘side-effects’ of pregnancy, but as yet, I had been pretty lucky. Life was as normal as it could be in my situation.

When I arrived at the school gates on Monday, I saw Eve already standing out waiting for me. This was unusual in itself, as usually I meet with her and the rest of my classmates in the classroom. The panicked expression on her face as she ran towards immediately told me something was badly wrong. Her eyes were wild and her hair was a mess. She was generally a very calm person who dealt with situations quietly and effectively, and seeing her in such a state made my heart pound in dread.

“Izzy, they know.”