Social Suicide

You know that feeling when, things have gone so well, so far and you have that morbid, disastrous feeling where: “It’s gonna’ go wrong…” yes?

Now you feel like Mia, who woke up that Sunday morning, it had been three weeks at college and so far she was loving it! She enjoyed her classes, her teacher Mr. Marwick, her family were all still close-knit, her best friend was her brother, and her boyfriend was still romantic and lovely as ever. She couldn’t believe how lucky she’d been. She’d been with Austin a while, and she was completely in love with him, and she has possibly the best family ever, but that might be slightly biased.
Mia woke up slowly, wondering why she felt sick, sick with dread and guilt, not to mention the worry. It was then when she bolted out of bed, and ran to the opposite wall, where her calendar, full of social details was. She slapped her hands either side, and stared at it, searching frantically for the date.

28st September…

Today was her mother’s birthday. She felt sick. She wanted to be sick, in fact….she ran to the bathroom, and threw up in the most suitable way, into the porcelain bowl.
“Mia, honey?” Erin knocked on the door, hearing the familiar sound of retching.
“Erin…” Mia says faintly, closing her eyes, wishing the spinning would stop.
“Amelia, what’s wrong?” Erin asked softly, yet seriously.
“Erin-“ she began, but threw up again, coughing, the acid burning her throat, and the vile, sour taste of vomit in her mouth.

Mom! Where’s Mia!” she hears Zack shout.
“She’s sick Zack!” Erin shouted back worriedly, and the sound of Zack’s feet is heard coming to the door.
“Mia, open up!” he calls, knocking. Amelia tried to turn around, but her mind went blank, she froze. She grabbed the sink for support, staring into, drops of water falling into it, then she realized she was crying. The burning sensation in her eyes, she quickly flushed the toilet.
Her mother, she had forgotten about her own mother, and she felt ultimately ashamed, she wondered how she could even do such a thing. She then argued with herself that her mother didn’t want her, but then she realized the overall statement.

Daphne Fay would always be her biological mother.

Amelia felt ashamed of the fact of it, she washed her hands thoroughly and wiped her eyes, washing her eyes, and rinsing her mouth out, brushing her teeth and tongue quickly. She gasped for air, and stared at the cabinet mirror, her knees shaking.
“Mia! Talk to me!” Erin called, rapping on the door again.
Amelia closed her eyes, sighing before opening the door and opening her eyes again seeing the soft, tender eyes of her foster mother, Erin Lowe. She felt torn, because part of her still loved Daphne, but her heart had grown to Erin more.
“Erin…” Mia sighed, and fell into her arms. Erin clung to her, worried as what would have made her so sick and flustered. Zack watched his foster sister worriedly, and guided Peter into his room, not wanting him to see Mia upset. Erin and Mia went back into Mia’s bedroom and sat on the edge of her bed.
Erin held Mia’s limp hand, patting it soothingly. “What’s wrong my sweet?” she asked worriedly. Mia sighs.

“My Momma, she’s 41 today…and she’s in jail because of me. I put her there.” Mia said miserably, feeling worse. Erin sighed softly.
“Mia, don’t say such nonsense, your mother made mistakes and she’s now paying for them, it has nothing to do with you, honey.” Erin tried to persuade. Mia shook her head, the tears falling, she was unaware Zack was watching her from the doorway. He sighed, and sat on the other side of her, putting his arm around and just as Mia yearned, hugged her tightly against his chest.
“I thought it was my fault too.” He murmured, kissing her head.
“I thought it my fault, but it wasn’t. It’s not your fault Mia, your mother was a drug addict because of her own accord and the crimes she committed wasn’t her, it was the drugs. So no matter what, she will always love you….always.” Zack said softly, almost a whisper. Amelia couldn’t take it anymore, and sobbed hysterically, suddenly desperately wanting her mother, her real mother. She wished she could go back again, back to where her Daddy was here, and where her Momma loved her so much it hurt. She wanted it again.
But you know you always wants thing you can’t have.
---
It was three hours later, Mia had cried for two of them and been silent for the other. She had remained in her room, snuggled into her covers, wondering how her life became like this. She felt desperate, she felt depressed, she felt like she didn’t deserve what she had.
Seeing as Mia had locked herself in the room, Zack was sitting outside with his back against the door, begging for Mia to open the door.
Mia sniffled, clutching her phone, stupidly thinking she could call her mother. Mia sighed, and for some ridiculous reason, she began to dial. The tone was threatening, and unbelievably, the phone was answered.
“Hello.” A male voice came, it was deep and croaky, like someone who had smoked for years.
Mia didn’t reply, squeezing the tears from her eyes, she didn’t breathe, she didn’t do anything, just listened.
“Hello is anyone there?” the man asked, irritated.
“Stupid kids.” He mumbled, the hung up, and the monotone, continuous tone blared in her ear. She had dialled her old home number, and now someone was living there, where she should be, with her mother.
Then, half an hour later, Mia still hadn’t moved, but Erin knocked on the door.
“Amelia, you have a phone call.” Erin said. Mia didn’t move.
“Mia….it’s your mother.” Erin said, and Mia gasped, it couldn’t be her mother, her mother was rotting in jail. Mia rushed out of bed, swinging the door open as wide as it could and saw Erin holding a phone. Zack close behind. Mia’s hand, shaking, took the phone.

Taking a deep breath and put it to her ear. “Hello?” Mia said tentatively.
“Mia, baby girl.” The voice of Daphne Fay replied softly, and for a second Mia, believed for her to be back to normal.
“Momma?” Mia whispered in disbelief.
“Amelia, my beautiful little girl, it’s me.” Daphne said, her throat closing up on the other end, tears in her eyes as she heard her grown up daughter’s voice.
“Momma, how are you calling me?” Mia asked unsure, she was worried her mother had done something beyond belief and escaped from jail.
“I’m still in baby, don’t worry. I’m still paying for what I did to you. I’m allowed a phone call today, I’m 41…”
“I know Momma, I know…Happy Birthday.” Mia murmured, wishing desperately to see her. Erin and Zack had disappeared, and allowed Mia her privacy in her room. Mia closed the door, and leaned back, sinking slowly to the ground, listening carefully to her mother’s words, taking in every drop.
“Thanks baby, god Mia....I miss you so damn much.” Daphne’s southern accent shining through, tears escaped, and revealed her emotion.
“I miss you too Mom.” Mia choked back tears, sniffling.
It was silent, each of them wondering how their lives came to this, where life got this bad for them both.
“Momma?” Mia suddenly said, dying to ask this question.
“Yeah baby?” Daphne replied.
“Will you ever love me more?” Mia asked, her throat aching with the huge lump in her throat, her eyes burning, and her nose tingling. She literally felt like bursting into sobs.
Daphne breathed in quickly. She couldn’t believe it.
“Mia-“Daphne hesitated, giving Mia even more depression. “Amelia, I’ve always loved you-“she began.
“But you love drugs more right? You always did Momma; I never came first after Daddy died.” Mia cried, sniffling.
“I was broken apart from your Daddy died, and I know I’ve made some hideous mistakes, but I promise Mia, as soon as I’m out, I’m done for good. I’m in rehab now baby, I’m doing good…real good, in fact they said that if I carry on, you can come visit me soon. How does that sound?” Daphne said the desperation clear in her voice. Mia sighed.
“Sounds good Momma” Mia whispered, curling a piece of hair around her fingers.
“I promise Mia, I’m going to get better and then we can be together again, me and you, just like old times.” Daphne made an empty vow.
“Momma, just get better.” Mia said, just wanting her mother to fight against the battle of drugs.
“When I’m clean Mia, will you come see your Momma?” Daphne begged, desperate to see her daughter’s face. Mia sniffed.
“Sure Momma, only when you’re clean…”
“You’ve made me want to work so much harder now.” Daphne said seriously, and Mia smiled weakly.
“Happy Birthday Mom” Mia whispered faintly.
“Thanks baby girl, I have to go now….my time is up.” Daphne said sadly, sniffing her tears away.
“Okay, I’ll call you soon.” Mia said, without realizing.
“Love you Mia, always. Remember that.” Daphne said firmly, yet tenderly.
Mia smiled, feeling her heart rise with hope.” Love you Momma.” Mia replied, and within seconds, the line went dead.
Mia dropped the phone to the ground, and leaned her head back, sniffling.
“Oh god…” she cries, bringing her knees in tighter, and leaning her head against her knees, unable to stop crying.
---
Austin sighed as he attempted to call Mia again; but he still kept getting her voicemail. Frustrated and concerned, as she hadn’t spoken all day to him. He decided he might as well go over and see Zack at the same time.
Driving was peaceful to Austin, as he rarely had time to think, except when driving. The relaxed atmosphere soothed him also, when he got to the Lowe household, and he knocked on the door, and saw Erin’s face, worried. He knew something was wrong.
“You okay Erin?” Austin asked, he knew to call her that from many times she told him too.
“Thank goodness you’re here, Mia’s been in her room all day, she needs someone up there, Zack and I have been taking shifts, do you think you could-“ Erin didn’t finish, as Austin was already jogging up the stairs.
“Mia!” he called, worriedly. Zack, who’d been camping out Mia’s room for the past hour since her phone call, sighed with relief. “Thank god, I need the bathroom!” he said, and scrambles up, rushing to the bathroom. Austin didn’t care, and instead went to open his girlfriend’s door, it was locked.
“Baby, open up…please.” Austin begged, there was no reply.
“Mia, please….just let me in.” Austin said gently, aware that Omar was now watching him.

“If Mia wants to be left alone, leave her alone. You should never force someone.” Omar said wisely, and left as quickly as he appeared.
“That boy is too smart…” Austin mumbles and took the position Zack and Erin had done previously.
“Amelia, I love you, so no matter what. I’m staying here…” Austin said softly and began to count down in his head silently, secretly wishing she’d open the door.
It was half an hour later, when Austin’s phone bleeps, indicating he had a text message.
Austin glanced at it lazily, but instantly stared as it was from Mia.
I’m sorry :( <3
Austin sighed.
“Mia, let me in…” Austin said, standing up, brushing his pants. Mia opened the door slowly, and when she saw Austin, she instantly hugged him, her face buried in his chest, and for the almost thousandth time that day, she cried, not for her, not for her Mom but because she knew Austin deserved better.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” Mia cries, clutching to him for dear life, and Austin couldn’t say anything, and instead held her, which is just what she needed. Gradually they made their way inside the room, closing the door, and went to the bed. Mia climbed in her covers again, uncaring she was in her pyjamas and most likely looked hideous. She mumbled for Austin to get in too. So Austin took off his jacket and his shoes and jumped into bed with Mia, cuddling her close. Mia faced her window, staring at the grey sky, and snuggled herself against her boyfriend’s chest. Austin hung his arm around her waist, kissing her hair slowly.
“You want to talk?” Austin offered. Mia shook her head.
“You want to stay here and let me hold you?” Austin offered again, this time Mia nodded. Austin kissed her warm forehead.
“Love you.” He mumbled.

Mia didn’t reply, but her heart swelled and she found herself mouthing the words back, and somehow she knew that Austin knew she loved him too. She knew because, here he was on a Sunday afternoon, simply holding her close, and telling her he loved her. That was enough for Mia to feel that for just this moment, it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.