Muster Every Ounce of Confidence
Step Seven: A Small Relapse
Eliza
Cash and I lay together. It sounds strange, but I feel as though he empathizes with how I feel and has condescended to be my friend. Sending waves of feeling to one another, we happily engage in an emotional conversation.
"Eliza?" I turn toward the speaker. "It's Friday, and I know a place that gives Mick's some competition." I smile up at Benji and rise from my place on the floor. "Everyone's decided to go." I nod and trail after him.
"So Eliza how old are you?" Marre turns to me awaiting an answer.
"18."
"Benji you said she was 17." Joel pokes his brother.
"My birthday is today."
"Why didn't you tell us?!"
"Well, no one's cared before and you don't really know me so why would you care?"
"Does Tony know?"
"No."
"Why not?!"
"Because it's not important. And you two are taking quite an interest in this and frankly, it's making me uncomfortable. I've never celebrated my birthday before and I don't plan to ever. The only time I want to be at a party is when I die."
"Why party at your funeral?"
"Because I'll be going home and I'll get to meet Jesus and His disciples. And most importantly, the Father." Benji and Joel trade questioning glances.
"I say we buy a cake on the way home from dinner. Liza, what's your favorite kind?" Chris starts bouncing in his seat.
"I've never had any before." Everyone in the car gasps. My phone rings before anyone recovers from the shock. "Hello?"
"Why didn't you tell me today is your birthday!?!"
I groan, "Because it's not important. How'd you find out?"
"Bethany called to tell you happy birthday. I feel like a crappy dad now."
"Well would it make you feel better if we celebrate it when you get out here?"
"A little."
"Okay. We'll go out, just the two of us."
"Okay. Oh, hold on.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"
"Hey everyone. I miss you all." I hold back a few tears.
"We miss you too! I'm going to get so drunk tonight, in remembrance of you sis."
"Gee, thanks bro; just don't over do it."
"That's the only way to do it."
"Whatever Jere. Well, we're going out to eat so I gotta go. Love you dad, Uncle Mattie, Jerie-Bearie, and Nick Pick!"
"Love you!" I hang up with a sigh.
"So you do know have to have a decent conversation." I nod.
Over the course of two weeks, I rarely leave Benji's side. He seems to think it necessary I go everywhere with him. I've also developed a deep friendship with Paul. He enjoys much of the same things I do. We stay up at night, engaging in lengthy discussions covering many topics.
"Liza?"
"Yes Paul?"
"I'm bored."
"Me too. Let's go for a walk."
"Okay." We get our shoes on and quietly leave. Cash chooses to accompany us. "You and that dog seem to be connected."
"I think he believes our souls are married. Much as yours and mine are. Cash and I's bond is purely emotional."
"Kindred spirits?"
"Yes indeed." Paul smiles. "So Mr. Thomas, what do you propose we do this fine Sunday afternoon?"
"Keep walking. I need the exercise and it's peaceful."
"You don't need the exercise. You want it. But I'll grant this is peaceful."
We venture deep into the woods.
Benji
"Where's Eliza?"
"Probably with Paul. Relax."
"She could have at least told me." Marre sighs and gets up, followed by Hilary.
"Dude! What's your problem?!"
"What?"
Joel gives me an evil look, "You're ignoring Marre and spazing over Eliza. If I didn't know you love Marre, I'd swear you have a thing for Eliza."
"That's crap."
"Well with the way you're acting it comes off that way. There are 6 other people who can take care of her, and right now Paul is doing a good job of occupying her time. So lay off and pay more attention to you girlfriend!!"
I'm starting to hate that word
"Tony asked me to take care of her. And you didn't see his eyes, or hear his voice when he said it. He'll kill me if there's anything wrong with her when he gets here."
"Benji, look at her life. There's already something wrong with her." I look beyond Joel straight into Eliza's eyes. She turns around, Cash following, and disappears into the woods.
"Joel! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Paul, what are you talking about?"
"She heard you. Why the hell would you say something like that?!"
"Paul, he didn't mean it like that. He just...."
"I don't care how he meant it! The fact that he said it at all is enough. She hasn't had the best life, and her only friends sent her away to live with a bunch of strangers. Do you know what that does to her?! And think how she feels to walk in and here that! How would you feel if you were in a house full of strangers and you were trying your damnedest not to offend anyone only to find them talking as if your mere existence is offense enough. Insensitive Bastards!" He storms out after Eliza.
Marre and Hilary come back. "What was Paul yelling about?"
Eliza
Joel's words echo in my head.
What could I have done to make him say such a thing? I try to be polite and truthful when talking to him. I stay out of his way and don't abuse Hilary in any form; although her very presence is a strain on my nerves.
Cash's whimpers call my attention.
"I'm here dearest. I only wish I knew what I've done."
"You didn't do anything. He was just being an asshole."
"I don't accept that as a valid excuse. I've offended him in some way."
"You're to quiet and polite to offend anyone. He's just insensitive when it comes to teenage girls that aren't Hilary."
"Oh! That you should speak her name!" I cover my ears. Paul laughs and sits beside me. "Paul I want to visit you when you go home."
"Okay."
"Do you think Benji would notice if I took Cash?"
"Yup."
"Damn."
Paul and I spend more and more time together. When Tony arrives, I don't notice because Paul and I are in a deep conversation about one of Shakespeare's lesser known works.
"Is that anyway to greet your dad?"
I jump into his arms. "I've missed you so much papa!" I squeeze him.
"I've missed you too dearheart. So how have they been treating you?"
"Very well." I smile up at him. "Paul is an excellent friend. If Benji would allow me to go anywhere with anyone else, I'm not sure they'd see us very much."
"Are you two dating?" Paul starts laughing.
"No. Just extremely close." Cash whiffs my hand. "Dearest." I kneel beside him and he rests his head on my shoulder. "Oh cheer up, she'll be gone soon." Cash whimpers.
"ELIZA!! WHERE'S MY DOG?!"
"Run." Cash scampers off. "I DON'T KNOW!"
"The hell you do..... oh hey Tony."
"Hey Benji. So Eliza, what was that about?"
"We just understand each other."
"You're daughter stole my dog."
"No I didn't"
"Yes you did! He sleeps in your room, only let's you clean him, whimpers when you leave, and he doesn't play with me anymore. You stole my dog!"
"Liza, Benji, shut up! You two have this argument everyday."
"So dad, your babygirl is 18. What are you going to do?"
"Go get dressed up real nice, and we'll go out."
"Okay!" I hug him and run upstairs.
Cash and I lay together. It sounds strange, but I feel as though he empathizes with how I feel and has condescended to be my friend. Sending waves of feeling to one another, we happily engage in an emotional conversation.
"Eliza?" I turn toward the speaker. "It's Friday, and I know a place that gives Mick's some competition." I smile up at Benji and rise from my place on the floor. "Everyone's decided to go." I nod and trail after him.
"So Eliza how old are you?" Marre turns to me awaiting an answer.
"18."
"Benji you said she was 17." Joel pokes his brother.
"My birthday is today."
"Why didn't you tell us?!"
"Well, no one's cared before and you don't really know me so why would you care?"
"Does Tony know?"
"No."
"Why not?!"
"Because it's not important. And you two are taking quite an interest in this and frankly, it's making me uncomfortable. I've never celebrated my birthday before and I don't plan to ever. The only time I want to be at a party is when I die."
"Why party at your funeral?"
"Because I'll be going home and I'll get to meet Jesus and His disciples. And most importantly, the Father." Benji and Joel trade questioning glances.
"I say we buy a cake on the way home from dinner. Liza, what's your favorite kind?" Chris starts bouncing in his seat.
"I've never had any before." Everyone in the car gasps. My phone rings before anyone recovers from the shock. "Hello?"
"Why didn't you tell me today is your birthday!?!"
I groan, "Because it's not important. How'd you find out?"
"Bethany called to tell you happy birthday. I feel like a crappy dad now."
"Well would it make you feel better if we celebrate it when you get out here?"
"A little."
"Okay. We'll go out, just the two of us."
"Okay. Oh, hold on.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"
"Hey everyone. I miss you all." I hold back a few tears.
"We miss you too! I'm going to get so drunk tonight, in remembrance of you sis."
"Gee, thanks bro; just don't over do it."
"That's the only way to do it."
"Whatever Jere. Well, we're going out to eat so I gotta go. Love you dad, Uncle Mattie, Jerie-Bearie, and Nick Pick!"
"Love you!" I hang up with a sigh.
"So you do know have to have a decent conversation." I nod.
Over the course of two weeks, I rarely leave Benji's side. He seems to think it necessary I go everywhere with him. I've also developed a deep friendship with Paul. He enjoys much of the same things I do. We stay up at night, engaging in lengthy discussions covering many topics.
"Liza?"
"Yes Paul?"
"I'm bored."
"Me too. Let's go for a walk."
"Okay." We get our shoes on and quietly leave. Cash chooses to accompany us. "You and that dog seem to be connected."
"I think he believes our souls are married. Much as yours and mine are. Cash and I's bond is purely emotional."
"Kindred spirits?"
"Yes indeed." Paul smiles. "So Mr. Thomas, what do you propose we do this fine Sunday afternoon?"
"Keep walking. I need the exercise and it's peaceful."
"You don't need the exercise. You want it. But I'll grant this is peaceful."
We venture deep into the woods.
Benji
"Where's Eliza?"
"Probably with Paul. Relax."
"She could have at least told me." Marre sighs and gets up, followed by Hilary.
"Dude! What's your problem?!"
"What?"
Joel gives me an evil look, "You're ignoring Marre and spazing over Eliza. If I didn't know you love Marre, I'd swear you have a thing for Eliza."
"That's crap."
"Well with the way you're acting it comes off that way. There are 6 other people who can take care of her, and right now Paul is doing a good job of occupying her time. So lay off and pay more attention to you girlfriend!!"
I'm starting to hate that word
"Tony asked me to take care of her. And you didn't see his eyes, or hear his voice when he said it. He'll kill me if there's anything wrong with her when he gets here."
"Benji, look at her life. There's already something wrong with her." I look beyond Joel straight into Eliza's eyes. She turns around, Cash following, and disappears into the woods.
"Joel! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Paul, what are you talking about?"
"She heard you. Why the hell would you say something like that?!"
"Paul, he didn't mean it like that. He just...."
"I don't care how he meant it! The fact that he said it at all is enough. She hasn't had the best life, and her only friends sent her away to live with a bunch of strangers. Do you know what that does to her?! And think how she feels to walk in and here that! How would you feel if you were in a house full of strangers and you were trying your damnedest not to offend anyone only to find them talking as if your mere existence is offense enough. Insensitive Bastards!" He storms out after Eliza.
Marre and Hilary come back. "What was Paul yelling about?"
Eliza
Joel's words echo in my head.
What could I have done to make him say such a thing? I try to be polite and truthful when talking to him. I stay out of his way and don't abuse Hilary in any form; although her very presence is a strain on my nerves.
Cash's whimpers call my attention.
"I'm here dearest. I only wish I knew what I've done."
"You didn't do anything. He was just being an asshole."
"I don't accept that as a valid excuse. I've offended him in some way."
"You're to quiet and polite to offend anyone. He's just insensitive when it comes to teenage girls that aren't Hilary."
"Oh! That you should speak her name!" I cover my ears. Paul laughs and sits beside me. "Paul I want to visit you when you go home."
"Okay."
"Do you think Benji would notice if I took Cash?"
"Yup."
"Damn."
Paul and I spend more and more time together. When Tony arrives, I don't notice because Paul and I are in a deep conversation about one of Shakespeare's lesser known works.
"Is that anyway to greet your dad?"
I jump into his arms. "I've missed you so much papa!" I squeeze him.
"I've missed you too dearheart. So how have they been treating you?"
"Very well." I smile up at him. "Paul is an excellent friend. If Benji would allow me to go anywhere with anyone else, I'm not sure they'd see us very much."
"Are you two dating?" Paul starts laughing.
"No. Just extremely close." Cash whiffs my hand. "Dearest." I kneel beside him and he rests his head on my shoulder. "Oh cheer up, she'll be gone soon." Cash whimpers.
"ELIZA!! WHERE'S MY DOG?!"
"Run." Cash scampers off. "I DON'T KNOW!"
"The hell you do..... oh hey Tony."
"Hey Benji. So Eliza, what was that about?"
"We just understand each other."
"You're daughter stole my dog."
"No I didn't"
"Yes you did! He sleeps in your room, only let's you clean him, whimpers when you leave, and he doesn't play with me anymore. You stole my dog!"
"Liza, Benji, shut up! You two have this argument everyday."
"So dad, your babygirl is 18. What are you going to do?"
"Go get dressed up real nice, and we'll go out."
"Okay!" I hug him and run upstairs.