Bulletproof

About half an hour after my little heart-to-heart with Gerard, he slumped against the hood of the car and fell asleep. I envied him a little bit, since I still wasn’t tired. I heard the gentle breathing of the four sleeping men and knew that I couldn’t sit still for much longer, so I decided to take a little walk. Not too far, just in case one of the guys woke up and freaked out, but enough to stretch my legs and burn some energy. With that in mind, I slid quietly as I could from the hood, wincing as my feet crunched lightly on the brittle, sun-baked earth. No one stirred, so I took that as a good thing and set off slowly. I watched my neon-streaked feet hitting the ground instead of where I was going.

A few minutes later, I had to perform yet another acrobatic side-leap (like when I almost flattened Frank getting out of the car) as I almost tripped over a sleeping Killjoy that I’d failed to notice. I hadn’t thought that there were any others sleeping so close to where we were camped out. I took a look behind me to gauge the distance.

I felt my heart fall.

I’d wandered far enough away from the car that I couldn’t see it anymore, and I hadn’t been watching where I was going well enough to even know which direction I came from. I couldn’t even follow my footprints, since the hard earth wouldn’t take their impressions. With a frustrated sigh, I ran a hand through my hair. How the hell hadn’t I died yet? Between wandering off, getting kidnapped, and being shot and/or beaten severely several times, one would’ve thought that the universe was playing favorites by keeping me alive. I pondered that silently while I waited for some sort of sign, telling me where to go and what to do.

None came, of course, so I decided that I might as well keep walking a little while longer. I’d find my way back eventually, I figured, and there was a lot of night left. My friends all seemed to be pretty tired when I left, so hopefully they’d stay asleep until I could wander back. I made sure to keep careful track of where I was going, avoiding areas that were heavily populated with snoozing people. I didn’t want to trip on anyone. Being quite frank, what Gerard had told me was also bothering me. I still couldn’t really wrap my head around a very simple concept.

Killjoys are people. People aren’t perfect. People make mistakes, and people do things to hurt other people.

Killjoys make mistakes. Killjoys do things to hurt other people.

My mind rejected the concept. It wandered away, leaving me wandering in the dusty dark. It was so dark and silent that I had a sudden, violent flashback to my time spent in the presence of Korse and his Dracs. Alone, barely alive, sitting in the dark and waiting to die. My body jerked with a violent shudder, and I fell to my knees. What was that? Why had it come back just now? I hadn’t been particularly broken up over it for a few days at the least. My mind had been occupied with Nic and Sasha and everything else in the world. I knew I wasn’t alone, because if I walked far enough I’d find a group of people just like me. It didn’t bring me any comfort.

I was scared for a few minutes, but then I was angry. I didn’t want to be a broken kid, too fucked up to function normally. A lot had happened, but I didn’t want that to rule me. Life would go on without me if I let it slow me down now, and I couldn’t let that happen.

My wrists ached like the metal of the handcuffs was still cutting into me.

No, I thought. No, I’m not going down this road. I’m not going to let this happen.

I forced my fingers into the dust, feeling it grit under my nails. That helped a little, and I stood as soon as I felt able to. I swallowed hard, and turned abruptly on my heel, back in the direction from which I’d come. Maybe the guys were on to something when they decided that I shouldn’t be left alone much. I marched resolutely back to the spot where I’d first realized I’d gotten myself lost, next to those slumbering people. I scanned the area for a minute, but I had to resign myself to the fact that I hadn’t been paying close enough attention to really know how to get back to the car. I picked a direction and just walked, looking for anything that looked even vaguely familiar.

I kept my cool for a few hours, just keeping myself busy wondering how someone could get so lost so fast. I knew something was off, though, since my sense of direction wasn’t usually this bad. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible. It was like the dark was obscuring any sense I had, blurring my brain so that it wouldn’t function correctly. Pressing in patiently. Suffocating me.

I gasped for air after I realized that I hadn’t been breathing. Wrapping my arms around my torso, I suddenly felt very small and exposed. And very, very scared. The dark had never scared me. It didn’t scare me in the diner, and it shouldn’t scare me here. There were no predators lurking in the dark, waiting to swoop in and take me down. There was nothing there that wouldn’t be there under the harsh stare of the sun. Even with that knowledge, I couldn’t calm down. I felt like I was being closed in, and I didn’t know how to escape it.

A spray of gravel off to my right had me jumping out of my skin and sobbing out of fear in an instant, which is something I am not at all proud to admit. My shaky legs couldn’t carry me fast enough as I tried to run away from the unknown sound, but I only managed to stumble a few steps away before there was a hand on my shoulder. I screamed, but a hand closed over my mouth. Fighting back didn’t even occur to me, but I let myself fall to the ground, curling in on myself to try to keep myself safe. I was beyond the point of reason.

Certainly beyond the point of noticing that the hand that had taken hold of me before was a gentle one, not that of an aggressive assailant.

The person was kneeling by me, but they said nothing. I felt that hand on my shoulder again. I flinched, but I peeked up from under my arm and wet lashes to see who it was. A helmet blocked the face, but I knew that helmet well. I hiccupped once before letting out a shaking sigh of relief.

“Show Pony.”

He nodded the affirmative, standing and offering me a hand. I took it after a second, allowing him to pull me up. I could feel the creeping embarrassment setting in after how I’d reacted to him showing up. I hadn’t even bothered to see who it was before I assumed that I was going to die and taken off ‘running’. I could feel his stare from behind the visor of his helmet, and it made my face heat. My hands fluttered uselessly in front of me as a precursor to my apology.

“I… you caught me at a bad time,” I started, running one of my hands through my hair again. “It’s just… well, sorry about that. I’m okay. Can you not tell anyone that I was out on my own at night? The guys would kill me,” I requested, feeling the sheepish expression stretching my features. Show Pony, of course, said nothing. He didn’t even give me an answer via body language. I watched him just as carefully as he watched me. After a second, he raised a hand. I flinched (an automatic response considering the little episode I’d just had), but he didn’t put it anywhere near me. His hand lifted his visor, and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t know that anyone’s ever seen what he looked like behind his visor.

And then I realized that he really was giving me a reproving stare. I met it with a slightly baffled, mostly annoyed one.

“What?” I demanded, needing to know why he was giving me that judgmental look. The look he returned read loud and clear: you know what.

He shook his head after a second, a slight frown on his mouth. It annoyed me further until his expression softened. He shook his head again, but I got that it had a different meaning this time.

“You won’t tell them?” I asked, hopeful. He shook his head again, but then he pointed at me. “What, you think I should tell them? Do you want me dead, Show Pony?”

He shook his head yet again, but then gestured a hand towards the sky in a sweeping gesture. I didn’t catch the meaning at first. My puzzled frown must’ve clued him in to that fact, though, since he tried again. He gently touched my face where the tears had streaked through the powdery color, then gestured broadly at the sky and earth around us. I got it then.

“You think I’m afraid of the dark?” I asked, incredulous. He nodded. “I’m not. That’s silly. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

He raised an eyebrow at me.

“You seriously don’t believe me,” I stated, frowning. “I’m not scared. It’s just an off night, y’know?”

His expression didn’t change.

“Seriously! I’ve been shot so many times that I’ve lost count, but guns don’t scare me. That’s a much more tangible threat, don’t you think? Why would I be afraid of something that can’t actually hurt me?”

He put forward a hesitant hand. When he saw that I didn’t flinch away again, he touched his fingertips gently to one of my wrists. I’d forgotten that I still had gauzy bandages wrapped around them. I sucked in a breath quietly, trying not to fall into another violent flashback.

“That was no big deal. It’s not like they hurt me beyond the point of repair or anything. The injuries will heal,” I argued. It might’ve seemed silly to anyone eavesdropping, since the conversation was pretty one-sided. Show Pony shook his head though, still touching my wrist. He moved his hand then, touching the tip of his index finger to my forehead.

“So you think I’m some sort of nut job now?” I joked, trying to play it off. I didn’t want to consider the gravity of what he was implying. He looked unimpressed at my lame humor, that finger still resting against my forehead. I sighed at him, feeling myself starting to crumble. “So what, then? What if I was scared? It’s a one-time thing. It won’t happen again, because it’s stupid to be afraid of something that I can’t change. It happened, and it’s over.”

That frown tugged on his lips. I had nothing else to say, so I held my stubborn silence. We stared at each other for a few minutes (he took his hand back, leaving me with a better view of him), no noise in the world at all. I couldn’t even hear either one of us breathing, though we both were. After a few minutes, he shrugged, resigning himself to my stubborn denial. Then he offered me a hand. I stared at it, unsure of what he was waiting for. He rolled his eyes and grabbed mine, leading me off.

“Where are we going?” I couldn’t keep the anxious edge out of my voice. It certainly didn’t help in my whole ‘convince him you’re not a whack job’ plan. He looked back at me and rolled his eyes. I could read the look clearly.

Where do you think?

I followed him, since he apparently had a better grasp on where we were than I did. He even skated extra slow so that I could keep up, but I tried to walk fast so that it wouldn’t be too unbearable for the usually speedy messenger. He led me patiently, making sure to keep a hold of my hand. I didn’t feel nearly as panicky as I had before, which I was grateful for. Every step I took seemed to be muted by the vastness of the desert. I glanced upwards, appreciating the light the stars had to offer.

Something occurred to me then.

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” I asked quietly, frowning at the back of his helmet. I saw one shoulder lift in a half-shrug. I wasn’t happy with that answer, though. “I think I’ve only seen you asleep like, twice since I showed up around the Lair. Do you sleep when you’re out on errands for Dr. D?”

He responded with another noncommittal shrug.

“C’mon, Show Pony. What’s up? I just all but had an emotional breakdown in front of you, so spill it,” I pressed. He halted his pace, and I stopped next to him. He considered me for a moment with his dark eyes, and then gestured down to his skates. I glanced at them, perplexed. “Something to do with the skates? Can’t you take them off?”

He stared at me, probably wondering if I was seriously that dense. I held up a finger.

“Just hold on a sec, I’ll figure it out. It’s not always easy to read body language, okay?” I grumbled mutinously, staring at his skates for answers. He gestured at his skates, and then broadly around at the vast, empty space of the desert. I felt my frown intensify, since I still didn’t get it. A quiet sigh escaped his lips, and it made me jerk my head up to stare at him. I’d never heard him make a sound before then.

He watched me, trying to patiently wait for me to get it. I had the sudden feeling of not wanting to disappoint him. He gestured at his skates again.

“Skates… desert… er, okay, uh… oh! You’re always on the move?” I guessed, and he considered the answer for a minute before nodding. He waved his hand as if he wanted me to continue. The I felt my frown return. “There’s more?”

He tilted his head to the side like he was giving me a maybe. I huffed a sigh and bit my lip, chewing it thoughtfully. “You don’t sleep because you’re always on the move-- oh, I get it. You’re always on the move, so you never know where you’re gonna be when you feel tired, so you just keep moving until you’re back home?”

He nodded.

“You only sleep when you’re at the diner?”

He nodded again.

“Seriously? How do you manage? Weren’t you gone for like, a week once?” I questioned, staring and bewildered. He shrugged modestly. “That’s… wow. So you just can’t sleep when you’re not at home?”

He shook his head.

“What do you do all night, then? Isn’t it kind of boring just passing time until everyone’s up again?”

He shrugged, then looked pointedly at me. I shot him a defensive look.

“I’m not sleeping because I’m not tired,” I declared. He rolled his eyes upwards, signaling how hopeless he thought I was being. I gave a modest shrug of my own. “So sue me. I don’t wanna be cramped up in that car while the guys sleep on the ground. Actually, I just don’t wanna sleep in the car, period. I get that they’re worried, with reason, but I’m not exactly delicate. I can take care of myself, contrary to popular belief,” I ranted in a grumble, pursing my lips. We started walking again, and I didn’t ask any more questions.

We I could see the outline of the car a little ways off after about another fifteen minutes of walking. I pulled on Show Pony’s hand, making him stop. He looked back at me, eyes glittering curiously.

“I can stay up with you, if you want,” I offered quietly. I felt bad knowing that he wouldn’t be sleeping, wandering off on his own while I slept surrounded by my friends. A smile flickered on his mouth before he shook his head. “Seriously, it’s okay. I’m not really tired.”

He shook his head again, that smile still on his face. I noticed then that he looked like he couldn’t be that much older than me. He tugged me forward gently, making me resume walking toward the car with him. I could see the guys now, still sound asleep on the ground. A feeling of relief seeped through my veins. We got about fifteen feet away from the car when Show Pony stopped, pushing me forward lightly. I turned around to face him again.

“You can stay for a while, if you want. I really don’t mind,” I offered again, refusing to give up the fight. His eyes danced with laughter as he shook his head. “What, you don’t want to spend time with me?”

He ignored my teasing and looked pointedly at Frank, snoozing on the ground right outside of the door of the car I was supposed to be sleeping in. I looked, too, and then I chuckled.

“Seriously? Why would they be mad? As long as I don’t wander too far from the car, they won’t care. They know you, Show Pony. Why the hell would they care? It’s not lik-”

I trailed off, surprised as I felt his cool, spindly fingers brushing against my cheekbone. I blinked at him in surprise, and he stared back with an intensity that I’d only seen when I was about to get yelled at. He didn’t look mad, though, and I didn’t know how to classify it. The look and his hand were both gone quickly, though, and I thought that the lack of sleep was starting to get to me. It probably hadn’t really happened at all. He shooed me back towards the car, that good natured smile back on his face. I blinked at him again, feeling my cheeks heat just a little bit. I offered a tiny smile back.

“Well, uh, okay. Thanks for bringing me back,” I nearly whispered, and he nodded just once. We stared at each other for a few seconds longer before spun me gently by the shoulder and gave me a little push towards the car. I laughed quietly, turning to wave over my shoulder at him before heading to the car. I heard the dirt crunching lightly under his skates as he soared away. Once I’d reached the car, I stepped over Frank and got in as quietly as I could. Settling in the back seat again, I put my arms behind my head and stared at the ceiling until I fell asleep.