Ronnie and Juliet

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Ronald Joseph Radke. To many of us he was a friend or band mate, to some of us a son or brother but he will always be remembered for the kindhearted person that he was. Ronald, or Ronnie as he would like to be called was known to the world as someone to be feared, a rebel perhaps, but it is in death that he can finally express the true person that he was. His memory will always live on through...”

I zoned out listening to the sermon. It wasn’t what I had expected. It wasn’t how I wanted things to be. In a way I could never believe that it’s Ronnie lying in the coffin, barely a meter away from me. But in reality I knew this day would come. He had always lived his life so recklessly, never giving a crap about what he did or whom he hurt. That was his lifestyle that was Ronnie. He would never change no matter what anyone said. He was always such a stubborn person, never letting what anyone said about him get to him. It was one of the traits that I loved about him. He was my best friend and seeing him here in front of me was like a dream, an unrealistic reality that I never wanted to go back to.

I let a few stray tears fall from my eyes, knowing that everyone expected me to be the one walking up there telling everyone about Ronnie’s life. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know how I was going to get through it if I did. I found it hard just sitting here watching the priest talk about him. I was never one for funerals or dead people. It always freaked me out seeing them, but this was Ronnie and I had promised him that I would be there for him no matter what. Although this was something I could never have imagined happening now, maybe down the line when we are old and grey playing cards on the porch watching the sun go down, but not now. My eyes prickled as I wiped away the stray tears, knowing that more were sure to follow. I couldn’t reminisce on Ronnie’s and my past or future without breaking down. It was too hard for me.

I leaned in closer to Craig hoping, praying that being next to him would comfort me, usually it did. Craig was always the person I could turn to when situations like this arose and I couldn’t deal with them. He was my safety blanket. I loved Craig and we were planning on getting married. He meant everything to me, yet Ronnie still hated him. Ronnie had always seen him as the type of person that would cheat or lie. I don’t know how because I never saw it. I swear it was just Ronnie making excuses for me not to see him and at the time I didn’t care. It was Craig that I wanted, no one else and I wasn’t about to let anyone stop me from being with him. I found it weird that as the more that Craig and mine’s relationship progressed Ronnie distanced himself away from us. It was like he didn’t want to see us be together. He would always hang out with me, but when it came to Craig he didn’t want to know about it. I never did find out the reason why, but since the night that I told Ronnie I was going to marry Craig I found out why Ronnie was always distant.

Flashback

I walked up to the front door, nervously pacing from side to side as I lightly knocked on the door. I could hear Ronnie’s footsteps walking towards me and coming to a halt on the other side of the door. He unlocked the door and it swung open revealing a tired, hung over looking Ronnie. I had to admit I didn’t plan on seeing him any other way as it was seven in the morning, but just seeing him like that made something inside me cringe. I had never liked that fact that Ronnie was always high or drunk and he knew it, but it didn’t affect him in the slightest. He would still do it and when I asked for the reason why he did it he never gave me a straight answer. It was always an “I’m bored” or “because I feel like it”. His answers never did stay the same. But there was something about today, something that put me off wanting to tell him my exciting news. I hadn’t told anyone yet, wanting Ronnie to be the first to hear it.

He let me in and I followed him to the lounge room, falling on to the nearest piece of furniture. Ronnie gave me a quizzical look as he chuckled and pushed me over so he could sit beside me. I stared up at his big, brown eyes searching for something, what I’m not entirely sure of. He smiled down at me and I blushed, looking down and began to fiddle with my fingers. He knew I had something to say, so he left me in peace, to calm myself so I could tell him. I didn’t know why I was so nervous to tell him, but my heart raced every time I thought of saying something. Something deep inside me didn’t want me to tell him, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t get married without my best friend I wouldn’t do it.

“So why are you here so early disrupting my sleep?” asked Ronnie as he gently nudged my arm. He knew to stay quiet but he also knew that if he stayed quiet too long I would never tell him.

“Well I have some news for you and I’m not sure how you are going to take it” I replied while refusing to look at his face. I couldn’t do it if I had to look at him, I would lose my nerve. He would go ballistic once I told him but it had to be done sooner or later.

“Sweetheart you can tell me anything, you know that. I’m your best friend. I’ll always be here for you.” Those simple words made me smile, as I looked up at him, seeing the old Ronnie the one that I could rely on for anything. I had to tell him now, if I didn’t I wouldn’t and I knew he would support me. He always did, even if I was making a mistake he was always there for me to take the fall.

“Okay but promise you won’t be mad?”

“Why would I be mad sweetie? I have nothing to be mad at you for nor will I ever have anything to be mad at you for.” Ronnie wrapped his arms around me and squeezed reassuring me that everything would be okay.

“Well Craig and I are getting married” I replied cautiously watching his face to see how he was taking it.

Ronnie’s face paled and his eyes turned black as he looked at me. He was shaking. I didn’t know what to do. I had never seen him like this before. He was beginning to scare me. I’m glad I decided not to wear the ring Craig bought, fearing that it would only upset him more.

“I’m sorry what?” asked Ronnie, anger apparent in his voice as he rose in his seat slightly and stared at me.

“W-w-we are g-g-getting m-m-m-married” I stuttered fearing for my safety as I stared up at Ronnie watching his whole demeanor change into something ludicrous. He no longer was any Ronnie that I recognized. He was a completely different person. I knew I had to get away somehow but it was too late. Ronnie had already charged at my tiny frame.

Just when I thought he was going to attack he stopped. He just looked at me and collapsed on the floor in tears. I walked over to him and knelt down next to his head. I turned his head so he was facing me and stroked his cheek, wiping away any tears that fell from his eyes. I didn’t know why it got him so upset. I thought he would be happy for me or at least angry. But in all the scenarios that ran through my head when I woke up this morning this was not one of them. He sniffled and looked up at me pleadingly. I didn’t know what to do. He looked so vulnerable right now and I didn’t know how to make it go away.

“Why?” asked Ronnie, a fresh stream of tears gliding down his face.

“You know why Ronnie. I love him.” I stated simply. It was the truth I did love Craig. He meant everything to me. No one can compare to how he makes me feel. He’s the one. I knew it.

“No you don’t. Please say you don’t. Just tell me this is all just a bad dream and that this isn’t happening. Please I’m begging you!” Ronnie cried out to me. I couldn’t figure out why this was affecting him so badly. Yeah he hated Craig but it wasn’t this bad that he wanted me to take it back. Deep down I know he likes him, but he just refuses to admit it. I wanted him to accept it I truly did. He was my best friend and his opinion and blessing meant more to me than anything. I needed it from him.

“Why do you want me to take it back? Ronnie I don’t understand it. I know you hate Craig I can understand that. But why are you being so heartless that you want to see me unhappy for the rest of my life? Your blessing means so much to me and without that I don’t know if I can go through with the wedding. Do you really want to be the cause of our breakup? Do you really want to hurt me like that? If I meant anything to you, you would accept it and move on. But until you can do that I’m gone. I won’t see you again until you’re ready to apologize.” I screamed at Ronnie as I picked myself up from the floor and headed towards the door.

“I love you.” Ronnie whispered to himself as he watched her leave. He could never have the courage to tell her to her face but he knew deep down she knew he loved her and she loved him back. He would just have to wait until she realized it.

End of Flashback

That was the last time I saw Ronnie before the incident. I couldn’t bring myself to remember it, knowing it had been my fault that he was laying in the coffin in front of me. Ronnie was all that I had, the one person I could turn to when all else failed. He was my rock and what had happened that night made me lose it all. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone what had happened. The police had tried, but they gave up saying that I was too traumatized to speak, which was true. I hadn’t spoken a word since that night all I could do was write down my feelings in a pad that I kept in my purse. Craig is beginning to think I’ve lost it, but I know I haven’t. Ronnie was everything to me and I lost him, no one understood that. No one understood what it was like to lose someone so close to you that they’re practically living inside you. Everyone just thought that I had lost it that losing my best friend took any sense of sanity that I had in me. No one understood and no one was going to understand.

“We have now come to the time where we call Ronald’s closest friends and family to the alter to say a few words about the dearly departed. Mr. Radke would like to say a few words about his beloved son.”

Mr. Radke walked up towards the alter pausing for a minute in front of Ronnie’s coffin, he bent down and kissed his son on the cheek while letting a few of his own tears fall. He had never been one for emotion, yet it was almost too much for him to bear. He had lost his wife a few years back and now his son was gone. He braced himself as he took to the podium. He didn’t know what to say about his son. But he knew that his son would have wanted him to share stories about his childhood and growing up with Juliet by his side.

“Ronnie wasn’t your ordinary kid. He was always very friendly and spontaneous. You would never know what that kid was up to, which is why he always got in trouble. I remember the day he met Juliet. Her family had moved in next door and I made the boys go over and say hi. Ronnie was always the kidder and decided that he was going to zap the neighbors with one of those hand zapper things as he greeted them. But when Juliet walked out Ronnie just stopped. He straightened up, fixed his hair and took off the zapper. I had never seen my son wanting to impress someone so much before, normally he wouldn’t care what people thought of him but for Juliet he actually made the effort to get her to like him. When she spoke I watched my son as he blushed and shied away. He was a nervous wreck, but when he finally did talk they became the best of friends. To this day I had always thought they would end up together. The look that my son got when he saw her never changed over the years. He had and always will love Juliet.”

I burst into tears hearing Mr. Radke talk about our first meeting. I didn’t remember Ronnie ever being shy around me nor did I ever notice that he looked at me differently. His words made my heart stop as I realize he was saying that Ronnie loved me. I couldn’t process it and what made me feel worse was what had happened the night he died. I didn’t want to remember it, but his words made it all come back to me. The guilt, the heartbreak it was all there out in the open for everyone to see. I couldn’t stop the tears now. They were overpowering me as the memory came back, taking over me.

Flashback

It was 2:00am when I rushed over to Ronnie’s apartment. He had called telling me he needed to see me urgently as something had happened and he didn’t know what to do and of course being the greatest friend that I was, even though I was still mad at him for the whole engagement thing, I went and got there as fast as I could. Since he lived like two streets away I got there in just under a minute shaky and out of breathe.

I walked into the dark, empty house trying to find Ronnie. I ran to his bedroom calling out him name as I went. There was no noise, not even a cricket chirping could be heard. I gathered my breath before entering his room, preparing myself for the worst. I walked over to his side of the bed and lifted the covers. Nothing. It was as if he was never there and I was beginning to worry. I jogged out of his room to his bathroom across the hall. As I got closer I could hear muffled sobs, they weren’t Ronnie’s. I tried to turn the knob, but it wouldn’t budge. I knocked instead.

“Ronnie?! Are you in there? Please answer me, you’re starting to scare me!” I yelled hoping to grab his attention so he would open the door.

“Yeah baby I’m here. Just give me a second alright?” That wasn’t Ronnie. The Ronnie I knew never called me baby and he would never keep me waiting, especially if I was scared. There was something going on and I knew at that moment that I needed outside help. I grabbed my phone out my back pocket and quickly texted Craig to come over. If anyone could help it would be him. I could have called Max but after the boys falling out last year it would only make matters worse.

Craig quickly texted me back letting me know he would be here shortly. Just as I put away my phone the bathroom door opened and out stepped someone I didn’t know. This definitely wasn’t Ronnie. This person looked like Ronnie, but he wasn’t Ronnie. He was taller, had shaggier hair and his tattoos were all wrong.

“W-w-where’s Ronnie?” I stuttered, now fearing for my life as I stared up at this devilish looking creature.

“I am Ronnie baby. Don’t you recognize me?” replied the man coyly.

“You are not Ronnie. I know Ronnie. I know everything about him and you are an imposter. For one you’re taller than him, two you’re hair is longer and shaggier and three you’re tattoos don’t match Ronnie’s. Now tell me where my best friend is and you won’t get hurt. You got that?” I yelled, raging over taking my body and I prepared myself for the fight that was sure to follow.

He just stood there, not moving, a sly smile gracing his lips. What was this guy playing at? He knew something I didn’t and I wanted to know what it was. He was starting to get under my skin and when people got under my skin there were always consequences. His smile got to me the most. It was as if he knew what I was thinking, what I was planning to do. It just made my blood boil. I jumped him. I full on grabbed him by the neck and started going at him. I wanted so badly to make him pay, for him to suffer the consequences of taking away my best friend, but someone pulled me off him. I turned wanting to go at him as well but stopped when I noticed those chocolate brown eyes that I loved so much. He held me close as I cried, tears finding their way onto his bare chest as he just gripped me harder, not wanting to let go. It was in that one moment that things became a blur. I moved my face closer to his, wanting to be with him as much as possible at that moment, but not quite getting as close as I wanted. Before I knew it instinct took over and I was kissing him. He kissed me back as we embraced for what seemed like hours. The door slammed and I came to my senses. I looked up at those eyes again and shook my head, more tears forming in my eyes.

“I love you.” Ronnie whispered in my ear. My teary eyes looked up into his shinning brown ones and I couldn’t take it. I shook my head and pulled away from him embrace. I couldn’t do this. I loved Craig. I turned and ran, not knowing where I was going but knowing that I needed to escape this place. I ran towards the door, coming to a halt into someone else’s chest. I looked up seeing Craig’s brown eyes and cried. I couldn’t stop myself. I had to cry. I had to let all my pain out. I was torn between two of the most amazing men in my life and I knew whom I would choose. I looked up again into Craig’s eyes and said “take me home baby. I know where I need to be.” With that we left, leaving Ronnie looking on at us tears streaming down his face as he realized he just lost the woman he loved.

End of Flashback

I stared blankly up at Mr. Radke as he concluded his speech. By then the tears were freely falling from my eyes. I had killed Ronnie. If I had chosen Ronnie over Craig he would still be alive, hell we might have even be engaged. I would be living at his house and we would be deciding together the color scheme for our wedding. We would have been happy together. I could have prevented his death if I just said three simple little words back to him, but I couldn’t. I don’t know if I would of meant them. Hell, if I were to say them now I still wouldn’t know if I meant them. All I know is I didn’t want Ronnie to die over me.

Flashback

Cop cars covered the scene ahead. I couldn’t look. I knew what had happened. A police officer stopped our car.

“You have to turn back. I’m afraid this road has been closed.” Stated the police officer.

“May I ask what happened here?” I asked as politely as possible. Deep inside I knew what he was going to say, but I still needed to hear it.

“A man killed himself in this home last night. According to neighbors there was a minor disturbance beforehand and a few hours later they heard a gun shot, which is when they called the police.” The police office said grimly.

My body felt numb as I got out of the car. I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t possible. The same police officer stopped me. I looked at him and saw my body pale through his glasses. He stepped aside seeing my grim expression. I rushed into the house before anyone could stop me. I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw that what the policeman had said had been true. The walls were splattered with blood. I didn’t want to see anymore but it was too late I peered down before I lost my nerve. What I saw scarred me for life. Ronnie lay on the ground in a pool of his own blood. His arm grasped what looked like a photo. I moved closer wanting to see what he was holding. I grabbed his cold, lifeless hand into my own and unclasped the photo inside it. The photo was one of Ronnie and I when we were little. I was kissing his cheek as he had just given me my birthday present. I smiled down at the photo. This was one of my favorites of us two and I had forgotten about it until now. I took the photo realizing there was a note attached to the back with “Juliet” written on the front. I stuffed both objects into my pocket as a police officer grabbed me by the arm.

“You need to get out of here. This is a crime scene. There is to be no civilians around, as you may tamper with the evidence.” Said the sergeant sternly.

I stared up at him, my eyes watering as I shook my head at him. I was still holding onto Ronnie’s hand and I didn’t want to let go. He was all I had left and he was gone. I screamed in agony, the bloodcurdling noise making the sergeant and everyone else around cringe. All I could do was scream and call out Ronnie’s name. I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want it to be true. I stayed there for two hours just holding onto Ronnie and crying out his name. I would have stayed longer but Craig and another officer pulled me out of the building. My clothes and arms covered in Ronnie’s blood, but I didn’t care. I just wanted him alive and here with me, but that wasn’t going to happen.

End of Flashback

It had been a week since that day and I still didn’t want to believe it. He meant more to me than anyone would ever know. I knew what I had to do. I knew the mistakes that I had made that night and the consequences for my actions but today I was going to put a stop to it. Today I was going to finally understand why Ronnie had to do what he did. At that moment everyone was getting up to say there last goodbyes to Ronnie. I wanted to be the last. I didn’t want everyone to see what a blubbering mess I would be and also I still wasn’t ready to talk in front of people, only Ronnie.

Half an hour later and everyone including Craig had vacated the premises, leaving Ronnie and myself alone. I told Craig I would meet him at home so he wouldn’t have to wait for me. I had so many questions that I wanted answered, yet I didn’t know how to ask them. As I walked up to his coffin preparing myself for the questions I would ask. I stared blankly inside, losing all thoughts that I had previously had. His body was no longer the bleeding mess it was the day it happened. He looked beautiful and renewed. It was hard to tell he was even dead. As I looked at him a lyric to one of his songs replayed over in my head.

“Now we are starting to love you more. Your body’s on the canvas I painted on the floor.”

Those lyrics I had never really understood before, but as the memories of that night and day played back in my mind, everything started to click. I now understood the reasons behind what happened that fateful night. I was meant to say I love you too because in all honesty I did love him. It took his death for me to realize that. I grabbed his hand, like I had that day and cried. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I loved him and I always had. I remembered the note that Ronnie had in his hand and pulled it out of my purse. I hadn’t read it yet. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I opened it up and read it.

Dear Juliet,
If you’re reading this note then it means that I’m dead. You shouldn’t feel bad for what happened, you made your decision and there is nothing that I could do that would change your mind. I hope you are happy with Craig and I hope you will always know that I love you. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t chose me because I know deep down inside you do love me. Just remember one thing I will always be there for you. Even in the afterlife I will never give up on you. You mean the world to me Juliet, which is why I had to do what I did. I couldn’t go on knowing that you were happy with someone else. It just wasn’t how I had always pictured things. I hope my dad told the story of when we first met. Yes I realize it makes me look like a loser but it was true. I was in love with you from the moment I saw you. I know you will do the right thing sweetie and I’ll always be behind you 100%.

Love Always,
Ronnie

I crumpled the note in my hand as fat, angry tears streamed down my face. He knew I loved him, yet he didn’t wait for me to see it. I hated myself for not realizing it sooner and now I didn’t know what to do. I looked down at the photo of us two when we were kids. Those were the times. I wish we could just go back to those simpler times where we didn’t have a care in the world. I smiled down at the photo noticing Ronnie’s blush. I had never noticed it before but it was there. He did love me as I did him.

Ronnie Radke was my one reason for living, without him I was nothing. That was the only way that I saw things. Craig no longer mattered to me and now that I couldn’t have Ronnie there was no point in me living anymore. I laid down the photo of us two on Ronnie’s chest and gently kissed him on the lips. I pulled out a small gun that I carried around in case of emergencies and without a seconds thought I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger.

Ronnie Radke was my one reason for living, without him I was nothing.