Obsession.

School was not the best on that Tuesday. The list of things I wish I could go back in time and change have gone way up since that day.

For example, I really wish I’d realised Matt had been telling the truth when he’d broken up with me BEFORE I tried to improve my reputation via him.

It was a sudden moment I gave in to impulse and jealousy. I’d spent the entire night before thinking about what Amber had said; how I just let Steph walk all over me and take every guy I’d ever had and would ever want. I wanted to prove to myself the next day that I had a brain of my own, that Steph couldn’t control me, and I could do exactly what she did except didn’t have to because I wasn’t petty like her.

That had been my intention anyway.

With that mind frame, my plan was to wait in the busiest hall in the school until a really cute guy walked past, and then ‘whore it up’. I’ve already mentioned how high I am in the social list. Lots of people will see me kissing this random guy a day after my break up. Some will think I’m a slut, but ALL of them will be talking about it, I’d thought. I figured that Matt and Steph would find out pretty quickly, and Matt would realise how desirable I was and Steph would realise that I was equal to her.

I was angry, bitter, and a little delusional.

One of the many things I learnt that from Steph was that if you get dumped, you made him jealous. Obviously, she never told me that, because I got dumped all the time thanks to her and I’d end up stealing all her guys back. But I learnt from watching her. She rarely got dumped; maybe twice a year out of about ten relationships, but when she did... Whoa. She had always been asked back out by the guy who dumped her. And she’d always said no. The control she had over boys was phenomenal.

And now, I was trying out her method.

The hall was not my ideal makeout spot, let me just make that clear. I was a bit of a romantic and tried not to have special moments in not so special places, like a first kiss in a grotty school hall. It smelt like BO and school – a really bleachy smell that burnt my nose – mixed together. So that didn’t make me anymore confident to do what I was about to do and not look like a slag. The school hall was white. Not bright white like the clean rooms of a hospital, but a dirty and gross white that was only reserved for school halls. And skanky hairdressing salons. The floor was cheap linoleum with multiple rips and scuffs, with litter in the corner along with discarded pencils and pencil sharpenings. All along one side of the wall were windows so we could all see the glorious crap hole that was our playground, and along the other were posters that made us look like a primary school for less talented children, and blue doors with numbers on them. There are slim glass panels in the side of every blue door, presumably for receptionists to see if they were about to enter the right class, but nearly all of these windows are covered by black card. That would be because people like Steph, Amber, Jamie and Nathan all like looking at the class inside and pulling faces or being generally annoying for the teacher.

I was just wondering if I should tell them that maybe we should go around all the classrooms one lunchtime and rip the card down, when I saw a really cute boy walk down the hallway, and I didn’t hesitate. I dropped my bag, yanked the randomer from the middle of the crowd that was shuffling down the walkway. I pushed him against the wall, stared right into his eyes and put my hands around his neck. His eyes bored into mine – a startling green. I stared into them for a few seconds and then blinked, coming back to earth. I was surprised he didn’t look confused. The guys Steph grabbed usually shrieked a little from fear since she was so intimidating. He did look interested in what the hell I was doing, which is completely understandable. He’d probably just been minding his own business and going to class when this weird psycho girl grabbed him and pushed him against a wall. It probably looked like I was about to strangle him or something.

I was very scared since I’d never done this before, but I’d seen Steph do it enough times it made me a pro automatically. I bit my lip nervously, went up on my tiptoes and began talking to him. Steph usually just kissed them, but the fear had caught up with me and I was stalling.

“Er... hi,” I started lamely, feeling like dying. “You don’t know me, but I’m just doing this to make my ex jealous, so if you could, like, not push me away, that’d be great...” I muttered awkwardly, trying to look sexy although I was wobbling on my tiptoes and my eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. I realised that telling this boy that I just wanted to use him to make my ex jealous probably wasn’t the way to go, but he didn’t seem to mind.

The random boy nodded, looking considerably calm, as if he’d been given a handbook on how to handle situations like this. “Okay then. But I can do even better than that.” His voice was slow and deep like honey. He dropped his own bag on the floor, bent his head slightly, put his hands on my hips and kissed me. It wasn’t a hesitant kiss or a little peck – in other words, this guy would definitely make Matt jealous. I could hear other people around us gasping and talking about it – it didn’t happen often, not many people at Blue Border High were confident enough to kiss in the school hall because so many things can be done to you. Unless you’re Steph, in which case, kiss away. No-one will touch you, shove you, laugh at you, spread rumours at you, make a loud noise and make you jump... No, they’ll leave you the hell alone. IF your name is Stephanie McKeniston. Mine wasn’t, but for some reason no-one was doing anything to me.

I might have gotten a bit too into my character of a whore, ‘cause after about seven seconds, the guy pulled away and pushed my shoulders back gently, leaving me still puckered like a dead fish and blinking like an indicator.

“Matt’s gone,” he explained, looking into my eyes with a kind of casual intensity. “I hope that helped.”

I nodded, flustered slightly at the idea that Matt himself had seen. But I could see why Steph liked doing this – she had the confidence to do it and do it well. “Thanks, er... um... Sorry, what’s your name?”

He smiled at me again. Something about the smile sent a shiver down my spine. Then he picked up his bag, slid his hands into his pockets, and walked away.

As did so, I opened my mouth to say something witty, packed with confidence, but all I my brain managed to come up with was, “Talk later, bitch!” I physically cringed. He looked back and shot me another grin, clearly aware that I was a failure of life.

Oh Steph. Why? That was her sign-off comment, and unfortunately, what with me being her protégé – as she had liked to call me when she felt like passing on her wisdom – I’d gotten used to talking like her in situations like this. Her greeting to most people was ‘s’up, ho’. I’d even heard her say it to her mum once or twice.

I was alone in the corridor now, and I quickly trundled off to class, trying to comphrehend what I’d just done. Half of me was mortified – how could I have done that? I must have looked like such a slag, kissing someone I wasn’t going out with, a day after my break up. Someone I didn’t even know! That was so not like me. However, the other half of me was pretty proud that I’d done it on my own with (sort of) complete confidence. I’d stepped out of my shell and away from Steph’s shadow. No-one could look at me and think I let her walk all over me now. I was the one with the stilettos. Figuratively.

At least, that’s what I was thinking before lunchtime...



Lunchtime. I walked with Jamie – who, somehow but thankfully, hadn’t heard about my make out session in the hallways before second period – to our form room. At least, I assumed he wasn’t, since he was talking non-stop about something random. We always met up in A2, since the teacher who had that room never went in at lunchtime and left it unlocked. We’re lucky we got to it first. There’s usually a fight for a room to go into at lunchtime. The reason we bothered is because it’s generally freezing and wet in England, and none of us wanted to eat or hang outside. So we discovered that my form room was free at breaktimes, andsince it was a place for us to go that wasn’t the lunch hall - because Amber’s not allowed in there anymore – we decided to go in there. I voiced worries that other people would come in and annoy us or challenge us for the room, but Steph and Amber are the best guard dogs you will ever find. Steph would crush their self esteem and Amber would just... well... crush them.

Jamie pushed open the door to the English block where the form room was, talking non-stop about the game our mum had given us yesterday. It was pretty awesome, admittedly, but he’d been talking since the beginning of period four about it and I’d tuned out by now since I knew everything about it that there was to know and could probably write a book about the digital programming behind it.

“And the graphics are so good, I mean, xBox games aren’t famed for their graphics, that’s the PS3, but WOW. I mean, it must be like a graphics breakthrough. And that’s not even what matters for the release of this game, they were focusing on the background and how realistic all the scenery was to the player. And that was pretty awesome too, I mean, I actually thought I was in a castle, and there’s so many details,” he gushed. Jamie was also a gesture person – he spoke with his hands, used them to show what he was saying by waving them about earnestly. He was walking backwards as he spoke so he could look at me. Most people knew that Jamie did this, so they just swerved around him automatically. However, not everybody knew he used his hands when he talked about video games, so a few people had to duck in alarm when he flung out a fist and nearly knocked them out cold.

My brother was amusing, to say the least.

While Jamie talked and I didn’t listen, I wondered what my dad would think of me if he knew who I’d grown up to be. It was what I automatically thought everytime I did something I felt uncontrollably guilty about. What would he think about me kissing random strangers in school corridors and having a new boyfriend every month? I usually come up with the answer that he’d be ashamed of me; that he’d shake his head in disgust when I came home from a party with a boy. I was glad, in a sick sort of way, that he was dead. I’d never tell anyone that, but it was true. He never had to see me like this. Or hear Katherine’s argument with Mum that caused her to leave. Or despair with Jamie. He’d never been out with a girl or gotten an A at school or taken part in a sport... Dad wouldn’t have had much to work with with Jamie.

I can’t say I missed our father. I hadn’t known him well when he was alive, and I’d heard most of his past when he was dead. We’d never really bonded; he’d been way into his work, typically. Dad had been an architect, working late into the night to create blueprints and go over designs, and getting up early in the morning to visit building sites. We’d see him at dinner maybe once or more a week, rarely talk to him, and only be in the same room as him if he was asleep or eating really.

I hear he was a nice man.

Jamie opened the door to our form room, talking about graphic depth or something and I came back to the present as I registered a screaming match, blinking frantically.

I stared around the room with my eyes wide, Jamie standing next to me – still for maybe the first time in fifteen years – with a mirrored look of fear and shock on his face. It could only be two people.

“WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKING WHORE? TELL ME THAT! WHY DO YOU HAVE THE UNEXPLAINABLE NEED TO CONSTANTLY TAKE WHAT ISN’T YOURS? YOU’RE LIKE A SPOILT BRAT!”

Steph and Amber were in dangerously close proximics, standing opposite eachother in the aisle of the classroom. Nathan, Kaito, and Matt were all sitting awkwardly at the side, looking like they’d rather be anywhere but there. Their faces made me wonder if they were expecting the entire room to explode. Which, I suppose, wouldn’t be too far fetched.

“I didn’t even make Matt break up with her,” Steph said in a sing song voice, studying her nails.

“Bet you hinted at it,” Amber spat.

Steph paused to glance at the ceiling. “Well, yes. But I think he’s gay. Maybe Kaito has more of a chance.”

Matt glanced at Kaito awkwardly, who shot her the finger. This is why he and Amber hang out.

“Wait, a second. He said no?” Amber said slowly. The words 'to you' were definitely hinted at the end of that sentence.

Steph stared at her. “Er, duh. Are you dumb? That’s totally what I just said.”

Amber and I both froze at that. That was totally not what we’d assumed. Amber had assumed that Steph had been a slag and taken another of my boyfriends, walking all over me once again. I’d assumed that Steph had been a slag and made Matt break up with me, causing me to MAKE OUT WITH SOME RANDOMER AND LOOK LIKE A TOTAL HO WITH NO REASON WHATSOEVER EXCEPT THAT I’M A BITTER SELFISH SLAAAGG. I almost cried then and there. All that risk for NOTHING.

Amber frowned, clearly thrown by this. But, she still had a lot of hate left for Steph, so she managed to keep talking. Unlike me who was banging my head against a wall. “So, tell me Steph, did you inherit this tendency to snog everything that moves, or is a compulsion you formed yourself?” Amber eventually came up with, gritting her teeth and folding her arms.

Steph smiled and gave her a wink, something I couldn’t do without looking like I was having a spasm. She then shrugged lightly and said, “So, tell me Amber, were you born a bitch or did you have to practice really hard?”

“Mean Girls, you slag! Isn’t your brain capable of thinking up its own insults?”

Almost instantly Steph said, “Isn’t your ass capable of controlling its gravitational pull?”

Amber screamed a guttural shriek in aggravation and tackled Steph to the ground – like a proper tackle, actually jumping onto Steph, who fell to the floor in a blur of blonde hair.

Everyone in the room cried out as Amber proceeded to punch the living daylights out of her, and rushed to break it up (watch).

“GET HER OFF OF ME, SHE’S GOT RABIES!” Steph screamed, clawing at Amber’s face.

Nathan and Kaito grabbed Amber’s elbows (brave – I would have waited until she fell asleep or killed Steph to touch her) and dragged her away from her victim with difficulty. Amber thrashed about wildly and screamed incoherent things, making it really hard for the boys to control her. Nathan’s face had gone slightly pink, and Kaito was pulling a hideous face with the effort.

“Connor, a little help!” Nathan begged. Whilst Jamie (unhappily) and Matt (uncomfortably) went over to help Steph, I rushed over to Amber and crouched in front of her – too far for her to kick me. She stopped thrashing about and stared at me with crazily angry eyes, panting heavily. She looked like an insane serial murderer.

“Amber, I know you hate her, but you can’t commit GBH everytime she pisses you off,” I said. Starting off with remind her of the law was always good, because she knew it was serious, and Steph would go – and had gone – to the police. “You’ve already had your first chance, it’ll be serious if you go to court again.”

“I think it’d be worth it,” she said seriously, looking me right in the eye. I rolled my eyes.

“Yes,” I said exasperatedly, waving my arms about. “We’d all like to kill Steph, but-“

“Hey!”

“-but we can’t. We’re all friends here. We’re all gonna get along. And you two are not going to keep ripping eachothers’ faces off.” I looked at Steph and raised my eyebrows, but she made no objection. “Amber?”

“What?” She said sulkily, not looking at me. Nathan and Kaito let go of her arms tentatively, but she made no move to kill anyone, just crossed her arms and legs, resembling a stubborn child.

“Deal?” I said, in a warning voice.

She sighed. “Deal. Until next time.” She flashed me a pretty smile, and I gave the finger, giving up officially.

I walked over to my usual seat – back row on the left, aisle seat – while the others got settled again. Amber sat a row in front of me and propped her legs (boots still on) on my table. I tried to push them off, but they were too heavy and she didn’t even notice my effort.

Jamie sat on the sat aisle as me and gazed out the window dreamily, bobbing his leg up and down again.

Steph sat on the table that was as far away from Amber as was possible, folding her arms with a bitter expression. She and Amber had a very complicated relationship. Amber put up with her because of me. Steph put up with Amber because of me. Amber hated Steph because she was a slag and walked all over me. Steph hated Amber because – this is unbelievable – Amber was the only person alive that could make Steph feel inferior. Aside from her mother and brother, but that was different. The inferiority came in the way Amber didn’t care how high up Steph was on the social list – she would tell her that she hated her and not give a damn about the consequences. She would kick Steph’s ass and not give a crap what her daddy could do. She would have a mind blowingly quick witted argument and not give up halfway through or surrender to Steph’s insults and burst out into tears.

They were like evil twins, opposite but the same in every way.

There was silence in the room for a moment as we all tried to process and get past what had just happened.

“Hey, Connor,” Matt said suddenly. He and Nathan were sitting together across the aisle from me. “Why were you kissing that guy earlier? After first period?”

I jolted. I’d forgotten all about it.

Amber looked up sharply, glaring at me through slits of eyes. “I’m sorry?”

I felt my face getting redder and redder as I felt everyone stare at me.

“Whoa, whoa, WHOA. Connor did WHAT?” Steph said, sitting up, a grin spreading over her face.

“Looks like your little protégé finally gets her medal...” Nathan murmured, looking over me with new eyes. I looked away, ready to die embarrassment.

“It wasn’t what it looked like,” I tried, doing a Jamie and waving my hands about.

Amber shook her head at me but said nothing, just looking down at her lap like she was disappointed. No doubt bubbling rage was rising inside her, and I’d be the next to be attacked.

“What did you do, Connor?” Jamie asked, surprised. I looked at him desperately.

“Nothing! Moment of madness, I just accidentally kissed this guy and-“

“Made out with him for six seconds or so?” Matt suggested.

“Face it, sweetheart, you were trying a Steph method,” she said proudly. “Trying to make Matt jealous for breaking up with you. You got down and dirty to get back at him.” She had this smirk on her face from the pride and vindication she must have been feeling.

I slumped back in my chair, once again screwed over by the karma and bad luck in the world.