Chasing Imagination

Amy

A few hours later, sometime in the early evening, I picked up my Harry Potter book and walked with a quiet feeling of triumph towards the storeroom. I had finished it! I had read an entire fiction book for the first time in my life.

‘Amy?’

The soft voice came from my left as I walked past the many bedrooms. Turning, a little shocked, I saw Matt standing in the doorway of what could only be his room.

‘Hi,’ I said quietly.

‘D’you mind just coming in a sec?’ he asked.

‘Sure,’ I said, frowning. ‘What’s up?’

‘Nothing much,’ he replied, ‘I just want to talk to you.’

For some reason, I looked from side to side down the currently deserted dormitory corridor. It was just my newly discovered imagination overacting, but it felt as if something was wrong.

No. I knew what it was. This was Matt’s room. And by stepping inside, I felt as if I was betraying Casper. It was a ridiculous theory, but one that I simply couldn’t shake.

There was no one around, so with unnecessary haste, I hurried inside, pushing the door to behind me. Matt half-smiled, his expression a little puzzled as to my strange behaviour.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. ‘What do you want to talk to me about?’

‘Chill,’ said Matt in a friendly sort of way—despite what Casper said about him, and despite the tensions I could feel burning between the two of them, Matt was a nice guy. I was happy to call him one of my new friends.

‘It’s nothing bad,’ he continued, stepping back and perching on the end of one of the beds. I had no idea who he shared this room with, but, like all the other rooms I had been in, it was obvious where the divide between his territory ended and the unknown roommate’s began.
Matt’s side of the room was plain in comparison with a lot of the other Dreamers, but it still had his own special touch. A large pile of books sat down by his bed, and on his wall was a corkboard with an intriguing montage of photos, drawings and small snippets of writing pinned on to it, creating a complex, bright display of many stages of his life.

He saw me looking.

‘You’re admiring The Board?’ he said, smiling. The way he put emphasis on the word made it sound as if it deserved a capital letter.

‘Yeah,’ I said, averting my eyes back to his. ‘It’s really cool.’ I peered a little closer. ‘Is that you...?’

‘As a baby,’ he finished off. ‘Yeah, that’s me. And the other people in the picture are my parents and my older sister.’

I could detect some kind of well-hidden sadness in his voice. Matt certainly didn’t seem the kind of person to erupt into dramatic, emotional scenes, so he kept the sorrow concealed behind further, more light-hearted comments about a couple of the drawings and a few of the more recent pictures—him and Casper, him and Felix, a few guys I didn’t recognise...lots of him and Imogen.

‘Is that Casper in that one?’ I asked, leaning a little closer. I had seen Casper interacting with his friends before, but never had I seen him look so carefree. I’d seen him happy before—seen him smile and laugh and say nice things, but not like that. The poor man always looked as if he was carrying a great weight on his shoulders...a burden that had been there for a long time, but had finally become too heavy to bear.

I had a horrible feeling that it was something to do with me.

‘Oh yeah,’ said Matt. ‘Yeah, that was taken about two years ago. He looks a bit different now. His hair was shorter back then, and he dressed differently.’

I couldn’t imagine Casper ever dressing in any other way to his skinny jeans and hoodies and check shirts and black Converse and Vans shoes—whatever they were.
Matt ran a hand through his dark blond hair and blew out through his mouth.

‘Actually, Casper is what I wanted to talk to you about,’ he said.

That was just what I’d been dreading.

‘Go on,’ I prompted, suddenly nervous. He patted the bed next to him and I perched on the edge uncomfortably. This reminded me too much of only last night, when I’d been sitting with Casper on his bed. I made sure there was considerably more distance between me and Matt than there had been between me and Casper.

‘You look terrified,’ Matt said, laughing in a friendly way. ‘It’s nothing bad. I just want to know: have I done something wrong?’

I blinked. ‘What?’

‘I just wondered,’ Matt continued, ‘you see, we’ve always been friends. We’ve had our differences, and there has been tension between us before, but that’s only natural. We both liked the same girl. And it seemed we both wanted what the other one had. We were envious kids. But we were still friends. We hung out. We spent time together. We chatted.
But now, in the last couple of days, he’s just seemed...well, off. As though I’ve done something wrong. Do you know anything about it, Amy?’

I was stuck. What did I say? I couldn’t tell the truth; that wouldn’t be fair to Casper. If he wanted Matt to know how he really felt about him and his arrogance and his leadership and his girlfriend, then he would say something. So obviously it was meant to be kept quiet.
But I couldn’t just not tell Matt either. It wasn’t fair to mislead him; to pretend that he and Casper were friends, when I knew only too well how Casper really felt. And there was also the fact that I couldn’t lie to save my life.

It seemed that, as well as being dragged into this world of resistance and fighting and war, I was now caught in the crossfire of another battle altogether: the battle between Casper and Matt. And I was in No Man’s Land.

No Man’s Land was not a good place to be.

No Man’s Land meant that my allegiances were to both of them, and to neither of them. So who did I tell what? Who did I trust?

I couldn’t deny that, if it came to it, I was on Casper’s ‘side.’ He was the one who I...well, I wasn’t about to go there. It was never going to come to anything. But I liked him all the same. He was a nice person, and easily my closest friend down here.

But Matt was my friend too, and I owed it to him to help him out of this sticky situation. If he didn’t know what he was doing wrong, then how could he right himself? If he didn’t change, then the feud between the two men would continue infinitely.

As if one war wasn’t enough!

And strangely enough, this emotional, personal war was so much more difficult than the ones that involved guns and fighting and death.

I had been a Dreamer for such a short time, yet my perceptions of the world had changed beyond recognition. Life was seriously unpredictable sometimes.

‘Um...’ I began feebly. I didn’t know what to say.

But I had to make a decision.

If I told a lie, I was with Casper.

If I told the truth, I was with Matt.

If I said nothing, I remained perpetually stuck in No Man’s Land.

It was time to decide my allegiances.

‘I don’t want to make things awkward,’ Matt said, trying to be kind and lessen the awkwardness. ‘I just don’t want to be held responsible for something I don’t even know that I’ve done.’

‘No, I know that,’ I said softly, managing a slight smile.

Who did I choose? Who did I choose?

‘But there’s nothing going on,’ I said. ‘I think...Casper had a headache this morning. Maybe he just hasn’t been feeling too good these past few days. I don’t think it’s your fault.’ I didn’t meet his eyes. I twirled my curly hair around my index finger. I could feel the blood rushing into my face. We all knew it: I was a terrible liar. But I had to try. For Casper’s sake, I had to try.

‘Well, if you’re sure...’ Matt trailed off. He must have known that I was pretending.

‘Yeah, I’m sure,’ I said with as much conviction as I could muster. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong.’

And that was it.

That was my allegiance decided.

I couldn’t turn back now.

‘Well, that’s good to know,’ said Matt, and he looked genuinely relieved. Had I really done it? Had I really just lied to someone, and done it well enough so that they believed me?

Wow. The Dreamers were changing me.

But was it for the better?

‘I should go now,’ I said.

‘Yeah, alright,’ Matt said, laughing and standing up as I did. ‘Well, good to chat to you, Amy.’

‘Yeah, good to chat to you,’ I said, smiling, begging that I didn’t look as embarrassed as I felt. 'See you later.’

I walked straight out the door.

And straight into Casper.

‘Amy!’ he said, shocked more than anything. He looked up at the door that I must have come out of, and I could see something resembling anger cloud his eyes. I grabbed him by the arm and led him just a little down the corridor.

‘I have to talk to you,’ I murmured.

‘What about?’ he challenged, and the anger was growing more and more prominent. ‘That you prefer Matt to me, along with every other girl in London?’

This caught me unawares.

‘What?’ I asked incredulously, desperately trying to keep my voice down, knowing that Matt was probably still within hearing distance if he listened closely.

Moreover, how could Casper be so childish? He was supposed to be the better person in all of this.

‘You were in his room,’ Casper said. ‘I heard whispers and giggles as I came past, but I didn’t assume that it was you in there!’

‘Are you really that stupidly jealous of him that you suspect me of...I don’t know what!—just because I was chatting to him in his room?’

‘Yeah,’ Casper said, his voice thick with resentment and sarcasm. ‘Yeah, I’m just the stupid, jealous one. That’s me.’

He turned to walk away.

‘Casper!’ I cried out, angry and sad in equal measures. ‘You know that’s not what I mean! It’s just—‘

When he rounded on me, his cold eyes were somehow both fire and ice...both burning with passionate fury and icing over with sorrow at the same time.

‘It’s just I thought we had something, Amy,’ he said, and his voice was thick with emotion. ‘I thought you were something special. But of course you’re just another of those Matt-lovers.’

‘I can’t believe you think that!’ I said, my voice low, but conveying enough anger at the same time. ‘You have a serious problem here. You wouldn’t think anything of it if I was talking to Felix or Wolfie or Jay! And besides, Matt has a girlfriend. Do you really think I’m that sort of girl?’

‘Got it in one,’ he said, still in that same sarcastic tone that I detested. ‘I have a serious problem. And I’m stupid and jealous. Geez, thanks Amy.’

He turned and stormed off down the corridor, a thin, dark haired tornado, as I watched, crumbling within.

He said he thought we had something.

I thought the same thing.

That was, until two minutes ago.