Wounds That Won't Heal
Chapter six
Ray took a long time to say anything, so long that Gerard thought he wasn’t going to reply. Eventually Ray sighed and stared down at his hands, “it’s kinda hard to explain Gee; I don’t know quite how to say it.”
Gerard reached to place a hand on his friends shoulder, “just give it a go and know I won’t judge or tell Mikey.”
Ray looked into his friend’s eyes and saw sincerity as well as concern there. He mumbled a thanks before looking down to study the material on his jeans, “when he is close to me it reminds me that I can’t have him and it hurts. So then I distance myself and all I want is to be close and that hurts too. Then I see hurt in his eyes and I caused it and I can’t stop it. Gee, it’s eating me up inside and I just don’t know what to do.”
“Do you want him back?” Gerard asked.
Ray shook his head, “no, it’s not that. I love Christine and he loves Alicia so I know it was the right decision. I just… I don’t know… When he is there I can feel the electricity between us and this need to take way the hurt kicks in. I don’t want him but I do… strange right?”
“It’s not that strange Ray,” Gerard said quietly, “I think that you just want the past, the closeness, you know? There is a lot of history between the two of you and you miss all that you had. I thought you two were made for each other and would always be together. Not that the girls aren’t perfect but…,” his voice trailed way and he just flapped his hands. Gerard agreed the decision for the two to break had been right but right now he was wondering what could have been. “I wish I could take this pain for you… well, for you both but all I can do is lend an ear.”
“Mikey hurts too?”
Gerard just nodded in response to Ray’s question, “he does yes but I can’t tell you what he said,” Gerard squirmed wanting to tell Ray that Mikey felt the same things. Suddenly Bob’s plan of knocking their heads together seemed more appealing. “Ray, you and Mikey should talk to each other about this.”
“I can’t do that,” Ray said as he shook his head although he looked sad as he did so, “the reason for that is that I can’t bring myself to see him in pain. I am worried about what I would do to erase it.”
“What do you mean?” Gerard asked confused, “you said that you don’t want him so surely that would prevent anything?”
Ray sighed, “I… I still love him,” he whispered, “I don’t want him but I can’t watch him hurting without wanting to help. I would wind up hurting him even more because I would leave him again.”
“Oh,” the one word was all Gerard could think of to say. If the two couldn’t talk this through then it would never get better. The two talking was the only thing he could think of as a solution but from what Ray said that could make things worse. He couldn’t be the messenger for this, “well, you two were in love and that kind of love never dies so the feelings you have are understandable,” Gerard just sighed, “you both need to sit down and discuss this and I wish you had done it years ago.”
“I thought time would make it easier but instead it has only made it harder,” Ray replied, “it is like the wound I received in losing him has never healed.”
“I wish I could help.”
“I know; I know,” Ray stood, “I need to talk to Mikey or neither of us will move on,” Ray left the room not looking any happier than when he had entered.
Gerard reached to place a hand on his friends shoulder, “just give it a go and know I won’t judge or tell Mikey.”
Ray looked into his friend’s eyes and saw sincerity as well as concern there. He mumbled a thanks before looking down to study the material on his jeans, “when he is close to me it reminds me that I can’t have him and it hurts. So then I distance myself and all I want is to be close and that hurts too. Then I see hurt in his eyes and I caused it and I can’t stop it. Gee, it’s eating me up inside and I just don’t know what to do.”
“Do you want him back?” Gerard asked.
Ray shook his head, “no, it’s not that. I love Christine and he loves Alicia so I know it was the right decision. I just… I don’t know… When he is there I can feel the electricity between us and this need to take way the hurt kicks in. I don’t want him but I do… strange right?”
“It’s not that strange Ray,” Gerard said quietly, “I think that you just want the past, the closeness, you know? There is a lot of history between the two of you and you miss all that you had. I thought you two were made for each other and would always be together. Not that the girls aren’t perfect but…,” his voice trailed way and he just flapped his hands. Gerard agreed the decision for the two to break had been right but right now he was wondering what could have been. “I wish I could take this pain for you… well, for you both but all I can do is lend an ear.”
“Mikey hurts too?”
Gerard just nodded in response to Ray’s question, “he does yes but I can’t tell you what he said,” Gerard squirmed wanting to tell Ray that Mikey felt the same things. Suddenly Bob’s plan of knocking their heads together seemed more appealing. “Ray, you and Mikey should talk to each other about this.”
“I can’t do that,” Ray said as he shook his head although he looked sad as he did so, “the reason for that is that I can’t bring myself to see him in pain. I am worried about what I would do to erase it.”
“What do you mean?” Gerard asked confused, “you said that you don’t want him so surely that would prevent anything?”
Ray sighed, “I… I still love him,” he whispered, “I don’t want him but I can’t watch him hurting without wanting to help. I would wind up hurting him even more because I would leave him again.”
“Oh,” the one word was all Gerard could think of to say. If the two couldn’t talk this through then it would never get better. The two talking was the only thing he could think of as a solution but from what Ray said that could make things worse. He couldn’t be the messenger for this, “well, you two were in love and that kind of love never dies so the feelings you have are understandable,” Gerard just sighed, “you both need to sit down and discuss this and I wish you had done it years ago.”
“I thought time would make it easier but instead it has only made it harder,” Ray replied, “it is like the wound I received in losing him has never healed.”
“I wish I could help.”
“I know; I know,” Ray stood, “I need to talk to Mikey or neither of us will move on,” Ray left the room not looking any happier than when he had entered.