Wounds That Won't Heal

The kiss had seemed the most natural thing to do in the eyes of both the men. However they both seemed to realise just how wrong it was at the same moment. They both stiffened in that embrace and separated their lips. Neither spoke though nor neither did they release each other from the circle of their arms.

Ray was the first to speak, “Mikey … I never meant to…”

Mikey reached to place a hand over Ray’s lips to stop him speaking, “it wasn’t just you Ray,” Mikey let his hand drop to rest on the other man’s shoulder, “I can’t explain my own actions so if you can then please do,” he sighed softly as he let himself lean into the embrace he had yearned for so long, “it is strange because I want you on so many levels and yet I don’t at the same time.”

Ray rubbed at Mikey’s back thoughtfully, “I guess we feel the same way then because I am just as torn,” he didn’t let go but then that was not something he wanted to do just yet, “the thing is Mikey that I still… well… still love you and that gives me the fear of hurting you. I couldn’t bear it if I hurt you and that fear keeps me away.”

Mikey kept his head laid on his ex boyfriends shoulder, “you hurt me more by keeping that distance. I need you, can’t you see that?”

“It’s the fear that we would end up like… well… this,” Ray rested his cheek on the top of Mikey’s head as he spoke the pain he felt etched on his features. Despite his words Ray was still reluctant to let go of the one he held in his arms. He heaved a sigh then, “we shouldn’t be doing this,” he said in the end.

Mikey turned to meet Ray’s eyes, “friends hug so we are doing nothing wrong,” he had missed this simple contact and he wondered if the need for something this simple had led to the kiss they had shared moments before. He decided to share this theory, “Ray, I think that the lack of contact made us kiss each other. You know, the distance made us want each other more?”

Ray pondered this and the idea that it wasn’t as sinister as it had first seemed was welcome if nothing else. Of course he wasn’t totally convinced although he liked the idea that they should hug more often. He had missed the contact too and e almost felt that his body had been crying for it. “Maybe.” That was all he said in response to the idea.

“We need to be friends without worrying about hurting each other and allow ourselves to be close,” Mikey said as his eyes remained locked to Ray’s, “I don’t think you could hurt me more than you do when you turn away from me.”

Ray bit his lip then because he was sure that he could inflict pain although that was the last thing that he wanted in all honesty. He looked into the pleading gaze and any resistance he may have had melted away. “We can try Mikey,” he said even though he still felt there was danger there. They had just kissed after all, how deeply did these feelings run?

The two men finally broke out of the hug and smiled softly. Mikey seemed confident that the kiss had been innocent and Ray was more than willing to go along with it for now. They walked from the room and went into the bigger room side by side in order to finish their work.