The Road.

I stare at the painting on the wall, it reminded me of Paris, all the abstract art that I would see at random corners. It reminded me of all those days I would sit on my balcony and paint a new section of my street-

“How are things with you sister?”

look away from the painting forgetting all about Paris and look at Jane, my therapist.

“They’re a lot better, we talk a lot more, and I feel like she hates me a little less every day.”

“Do you honestly believe she hates you?”

“After everything I put her through? I would be shocked if she didn’t.”

“Have you asked her?”

“I don’t need to, I can see it in her face, even though she said she forgave me I can tell it still pains her.”

“Do you think maybe you’re still blaming and punishing yourself?”

“I know I am, and I know I need to stop doing that. I just can’t help it.”

“Why not?”

I shrug, I couldn’t think of the right words to answer that question.

“I guess I’m just afraid,” I reply realizing Jane wasn’t going to let me off that easy.

“Afraid? Afraid of what Meghan?”

“I’m afraid that if I stop punishing myself… somebody else will.” I whisper the last part.

“The way Nathan did?”

I look away from Jane and bite my lip, I hated hearing his name, I hated thinking about him-

“Meghan?”

“Yes, the way Nathan did,” I finally reply.

“What else are you afraid of Meghan?”

“I’m afraid of Alex leaving me.”

“Do you think he will leave you?”

“Sometimes I feel like he does, but he doesn’t want to hurt me.”

“Why do you feel like that?”

I shrug and sigh as I look back at the painting before turning to look back at Jane.

“We don’t sleep in the same bed… I don’t like much physical contact, and I feel like he’s eventually going to get tired of me.”

“Does he complain about the situation?”

“Well… no”

“What does he think about it?”

“He tells me he loves me that he understands that it takes time to gain trust again.”

“That doesn’t like a person who would leave any time soon.”

She was right; Alex wasn’t going to leave me anytime soon. I was just making myself go crazy thinking of the most horrible scenarios that could happen.

“Well that concludes this session, I will see you next week Meghan.”

I nod and walk out of her office trying to locate Alex, and then I remember he had band practice this afternoon. I sigh and make my way out of the building and enter the busy streets of New York. I pull my jacket closer to my body and walk to the bus stop.

Alex hated me taking the bus, but I told him it made me feel comfortable being around people and being able to see where I was going rather than being in a cab with one person who could take me to any place they wanted- I know I’m just being paranoid but I can’t help it.

Five minutes later I make my way to the back of the bus and sit right next to window. I catch the sight of my refection through the window and stare at it unable to believe that the eyes and the face staring back belonged to me.

I was the spitting image of what Nathan had last seen me as. Grown out wavy blonde hair, no make-up, dead lifeless eyes with a frown plastered on my lips. This was not me; this was who he wanted me to be- ordinary, just like everybody else. He wanted me to forget who I was, and he took the things that made me special, that made me stand out. I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction, not anymore.

I pulled the cord signaling the bus to stop. I stood up walking towards the front of the bus and got out as soon as it came to a stop.

I walked a couple of blocks until I stopped a decent salon.

“This is it, I’m taking back control of my own life,” I whisper to myself and walk into the salon.

“Hello, welcome to Suzy’s, what can we do for you today?” A young girl with long straight black hair asks me with a big smile.

“I wanted to color my hair, and possibly cut my hair a bit.”

“What color where you thinking?”

“Blue, or purple, or possibly both.”

“Ohh that sounds like fun, let me see what we can do for you, I’ll be right back.” She tells me with that same smile and walks away.

I look around the small salon, it was nothing like the places I used to go, this one looked a lot more friendly and homey-welcoming.

“What was your name?” the same young girl questions me as she comes back.

“Meghan,”

“I’m Lucy, and this is Mia who will be taking care of you.”

“Thank you.”

_______________________

My reflection in the mirror brings a smile to my face, I could finally see myself, the old weird shy smart girl who would never settle for anything, and who would never allow anybody to change her, I was finally me again.

I run my fingers through my newly dyed blue and purple hair, I had missed this so much, I felt as if part of me had been missing and it was finally back.

“So how do you like it?” Mia asks.

“I love it, thank you, and I will see you in three weeks.”

“See you then Meghan.”

I pay Lucy and walk into the now dark streets of New York; I walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus to arrive.

Twenty minutes later I had arrived to Alex’s apartment, there was no way I could go back to my old condo; it would bring back to many horrible memories.

I open the door to the apartment just to see Alex looking nervous.

“Meghan,” he sighs looking relieved, “I was starting to worry, I thought something had happened-” he stops as he notices me completely for the first time, then he smiles.

“I’m glad you’re back to blue.”

“Me too, being blonde is not fun,” I giggle a bit.

“It looks great,”

I smile staring at him, I knew then that he would not leave me; I knew he would not hurt me because he loves me with all my perfections, flaws, and insecurities. He is mine and I am his.

“Why are you so happy?”

“Because I have you,” I say walking to him.

“I love you,” I tell him and gently place my lips on his.

He kisses me back softly before deepening the kiss and causing the butterflies in my stomach to flap around like crazy.

He pulls away seconds later and all I can do is smile like a complete idiot.

“I love you too,” Alex says as he gives me a small kiss.

“Will you love me forever?”

“Forever and ever,” Alex replies and kisses me on the forehead

_______________________

My heart feels heavy as I stare at the ceiling. Alex and I hadn’t shared a bed in the last couple of months. I used to wake up from my nightmares kicking and screaming at Alex to stop thinking he was Nathan, Alex would try to calm me down and tell me it was not real, but all I could do was sob and plead for the nightmares to stop, but as the days passed the nightmares became more and more vivid and I realized I needed to get a therapist.

The nightmares had stopped a month ago but I was still scared that they would come back and I would hurt Alex again.

I sigh and roll to my side, I missed having Alex next to my side, I missed the way I could hear his heartbeat whenever I rested my head on his chest. I missed the way he would whisper he loved me and kiss the top of my head. I missed the way he would tell me that he was going to be there in the morning. I missed his arms around me-

I groan at myself, I was letting my self-pity take over me. I sit up and get out of bed and make my way to the end of the hallway, where Alex’s room was.

I take in a deep breath of air and knock softly on the door.

Seconds later Alex open the door looking worried, “are you okay?”

I nod unable to find my voice.

“Did you have another nightmare?”

I shake my head, “I miss you,” I whisper.

Alex lifts my chin up and pecks my lips, “you can spend the night with me.”

“I would love that,” I smile back.

Alex takes my hand and walks me over to his bed and we lay down. I place my head on his chest and smile as I hear his heart beat.

“Sing me something,” I tell him.

“Anything?”

“Anything,” I reply back.

He clears his throat and starts singing as he wraps his arms around me.

“You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see? You are everything I hope for, you are everything I need, you are so beautiful to meeee...”

I laugh and kiss his cheek, “that was perfect.”

“Meghan?”

“Hm?”

“If I were to ask you to marry me, would you?”

“It depends, what size is the ring?” I ask with a laugh.

“Well I was planning on getting it from one of those quarter machines.”

“Plastic, exactly what I wanted.”

Alex lets out a laugh, “I am taking that as a yes, and I know that you’re not ready to make that sort of commitment yet, I know it takes time to get used to the idea of things not being so awful, but I just wanted you to know that you’re the only person I see myself marrying, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, making you happy and watching you smile.”

I can’t help but to smile.

“I would love to marry you sometime in the future, and maybe one day we can have kids of our own,”

“That sounds fantastic Mrs. Future Meghan Gaskarth.”

I close my eyes and for the first time in a long time I feel positive about what tomorrow and the days after will bring.