The Center

Frank:

Wednesday, October 5th

Sitting in my car, I was trying to gain enough balls to go into Barnes & Noble, where I knew Gerard would be. I hadn’t seen him since our ‘fight’, which I didn’t really expect to since we weren’t friends beforehand, but I’d felt this need to go and apologize. Maybe it was the fact that ever since I’d felt horrible, pushed everybody away, and really needed some sort of friendship. Maybe it was just that my mother had raised and instilled good manners into me, and always taught me to say I’m sorry when I fucked up. Maybe it was both. Hell, I didn’t really know to be honest. All I know is that I’m sitting in this parking lot, looking like an idiot.

Both of my tattooed clad hands are gripping the steering wheel of my old Chevy and I’m leaning forward, all of my weight on the wheel. I parked so that I’m facing the entrance, and I’ve just been staring at the double doors with a vacant expression, trying to figure out how to go about all of this. I hadn’t even planned on coming here today, specifically. I was finished with my morning classes by 11:50, and had gotten most of my work out of the way by around 2:30. Hanging out in my room definitely wasn’t an option and there really wasn’t much to do on campus. To busy myself, I’d gotten in the car without a set destination, and somehow I ended up here.

Scenarios went through my head about apologizing to Gerard. I hoped that I could just go in there and explain myself, have him see that I had gained a soft spot for his kid over the summer and that I was just concerned for his well being –both of their well being. I hoped that he’d understand and tell me that it was cool, that even though I was out of line he understood, and that everything was fine. And then all would be settled. I’d feel better and hopefully Gerard would think of me as a better person. But he could end up taking this so many different ways; I was worried he’d get the wrong idea. Last time he accused me of making him and Sebastian a charity case, which was never even a thought in my mind. What if he felt that way now? What if he just thought of this as a way to gain some sort of righteousness? That wasn’t my kind of style, but he didn’t know that. He doesn’t even really know me, so I can’t blame him for thinking that way.

I shouldn’t have opened my big fat mouth in the first place.

I let out a long sigh and seemed to sink further into my seat, with my chin resting on the wheel as my fingers still clutched it. I could just see the doors. An older woman with an umbrella was walking in by herself, and appreciative smile was on her face as a guy who was walking out held the door open for her. Soon he emerged with a woman, who was holding two coffees, which were from Starbucks no doubt, and a little blonde girl was trailing after them, holding a stuffed animal. About seven minutes later a tall bald man walked in, his shoulders slumped and his face frowning. I recognized him as a cashier. Shortly after a teenage girl, who was dressed in a lot of black clothing, came out grinning and hugging a book to her chest. A woman, walking behind her, wore very conservative looking clothes but had a fond smile on her face as she watched the girl. I could only assume it was her mother. Passing them on his way in, an old man with a newsboy cap gave the ladies a polite nod and a happy smile and he used all of his strength to pull open the doors that I knew to be extremely and uncommonly heavy. Ten minutes later a tall guy in a business suit walked out with two bags full of books, and he didn’t seem excited about it.

For a Wednesday afternoon, this place was really booming with business. In the middle of the week I would expect stores to be virtually dead, but I was obviously proven wrong by just sitting here for twenty-five minutes, watching the different people go in and out of Barnes & Noble. They made going inside look so easy. They all had balls… figuratively speaking for the women of course…

I let out an annoying whimper and closed my eyes for a second.

Why was this so difficult?

All I had to do was say sorry and be done with it. All I needed to do was breathe, get out of the car, walk into the building and find Gerard. Apologize for bringing up a subject that’s none of my business, say sorry for meddling in his life, wish well on him and Sebastian and then get the hell out of there. It couldn’t be so bad, right? I was a grown man for fuck’s sake, why was I acting like such a little pansy? I whined to myself and then opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the dashboard, but when I looked through the glass of my windshield, he was there, walking out of the building with a hot coffee in hand. Shit. I wasn’t ready for this.

So nervous I nearly peed myself, I unbuckled my seatbelt frantically and got out my junk car. I eyed him as he stopped in the parking lot next to a Jeep as soon as he crossed the street, fumbling in his jacket pocket for something. My heart was beating fast, I’ve always hated confronting people with the possibility of being reprimanded. He pulled out a pack of Marlboro reds and a cheap blue lighter. He set the coffee on the cold ground and pulled out a cigarette and stuck it in his mouth, nonchalantly lighting it up. I gulped and started to move. The wind was blowing, making me shiver. Gerard had bent down and picked up his coffee, staying a minute longer to take a sip. Then he took a puff. Then another sip. He still hadn’t noticed me, and I was glad. It was kind of like I was pulling a sneak attack on the guy, but I’d rather do that than him spot me and run for it. That would make everything so much worse.

I was closer now, though still having to walk a ways, and he was still there. He was now leaning against the vehicle, staring out to the sea of cars and smoking his cigarette. He didn’t see me. I was really close now. My hands were shoved in my pockets and I was picking at the seams. My mind was running a mile a minute. What was I going to say? When I was merely three feet away, I stopped short. But Gerard didn’t even notice my presence. He didn’t tense or anything. Just drank his coffee. Shaking, I pulled my hands out of my jean pockets and stretched out my fingers, shifting weight from one foot to the other.

“Uhm, hey Gerard…” I mumbled. I was loud enough, though, because he heard me. The arm that was bending up to stick his cigarette back into his mouth froze and body seem to go rigid instantly. He looked over in my direction and his blank stare that his son inherited contorted into a look of confusion.

“Frank?”

“I, uh… Hi. Uhm, I-I just… I came to say I’m sorry…” I stuttered, nothing that came out of my mouth was confident. He groaned and aggravation was now clearly evident by the way he stood, never mind the expression on his face. He looked away from me and took one last puff of his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and stepping on it, squishing it into the asphalt. His fingers ran themselves through his hair as he took a long sip from his coffee cup. When he looked back at me, though, he didn’t seem so irritated, just weary.

“Look, Frank. I know I got heated and I know I yelled. I’m sorry. But I mean what I said. Sebastian and I don’t need your sympathy… We don’t need it.” His voice was quiet, but quite stern. It was very final. He looked away and I thought he was finished.

This wasn’t going well, not at all. I shifted my feet again and started to play with my fingers. I opened my mouth to tell him that I wasn’t here to feel sorry for him, I was here because I felt sorry for myself, but he started up again. “Just stay out of it, okay? Stay out of my life.” He said lowly, solemnly. I frowned. He looked back to me with that same pained expressed he had on the day of our fight and I almost stepped back, feeling as if I had intruded now more than ever. “Stay out of our lives, please.” He spoke and then turned away completely. His hand went into his pocket again and a second later he pulled out keys. I heard the sound of a car unlocking and then he was opening the door to the Jeep he had been leaning against. His started it up, and I just watched as he drove off without giving me a second glance. Gerard was gone without even staying to hear my full apology. He left without even accepting the fact that I was trying to make up for my mistake.

I just stood there in that parking lot, and instead of feeling sad and kicked like I had before, I felt mad.

I was angry.

Angry at myself and at him, for not even caring.

I was angry because I still didn’t know what to do, because things still weren’t right.

Saturday, October 15th

Ever since Ray called me to say that he was going to ask Bob to be his boyfriend, I’d been avoiding him. I completely admit to it, and he knew full well that I was, too. He called me the next night to tell me that Bob said yes, but I didn’t pick up any of the calls. I innocently missed the first one, as I was in the shower, but purposefully ignored the next three. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to my best friend on the phone and tell him I was excited for him. I was happy, sure, most definitely, but not excited.

No, I was jealous.

I know I swore up and down that after Greg cheated on me and kicked me to the curb that I was all set with relationships for a while, and I know I said I was fine by myself, but I guess I’m just bitter. Everyone around me, with the exception of my mom, seemed to be in these great relationships right now. They all had boyfriends or girlfriends that really cared for them and truly enjoyed their company. I’d never had that. Maybe for a while I thought I had that, but the relationship I was in was never honest. Not like I knew Ray and Bob’s was going to be. Heck, even Alicia and Mikey’s relationship seemed so genuine and they were just kids.

My childish nature alone about this whole ordeal probably shows how much I’m not really ready to jump into anything yet. I know I’m not ready. I wouldn’t want to be ready. I just… I hate being alone…

I’m sitting in that same local Starbucks, which wasn’t packed or disgustingly hot today, in the same booth as last time. The same booth as every time, really. I’m supposed to be meeting Ray here, and he’s a creature of habit, so if we can snag the same table every time we go, then we do. We’d made plans through text, as I still haven’t talked to him over the phone yet – in over a month- and he said he’d be here at around 2PM. It’s about 1:45 now, but I’ve been here since 1.

Ray and I hadn’t hung out like we usually did since I started school this year. Part of it was both of our busy schedules, but it was also because I didn’t really want to be around people for a while. Throwing a solitary pity party may not seem like much fun, but I didn’t feel like I had the energy to do anything else but be by myself and sulk.

After that second altercation with Gerard, I was mad for a couple of days. I stormed around the college campus and was pissy about any little instance, cursing everyone and everything under my breath. One day I even yelled at Zack for leaving a used condom on our bathroom floor overnight. That shit was disgusting, and it sent me over the edge. I, personally, don’t even think I was too harsh on the kid, especially because all he does is stink up our apartment with him and his girlfriend having sex. I’m sure anybody else would have reacted a lot earlier than I did about the two of them. And he didn’t even get mad at me for screaming at him, either. If anything he looked guilty, caught red handed. For a day or two he kept away, finding some other place to fuck his girl. But then they came back. And went at it all night.

That was when my rage turned back into sorrow.

I’m sick of being sad, and I’m sick of being furious. I felt like I was being a kid, never wanting to grow up and wanting everything to be sugar coated, yet here I am in a coffee shop at twenty years old awaiting what I assume to be an intervention talk from my best friend. I guess we all have our breaking points. Maybe now is mine…

I was, after all, borderline crazy in my own opinion. Not only was I here early to hopefully be calm by the time Ray walks into the building, but I sort of wanted Gerard and Sebastian to come in, too. I wanted to see the little guy again, and the only other way I could do that would be to go into The Center, but I wasn’t allowed. Not being a parent or guardian, on a drop-off/pick-up list, or an authorized staff member anymore, I had no business being there. Not even being the boss’ son.

I kind of wanted a re-creation of last time. I just wanted to sit with Ray and Gerard and Frank and just chat, to sit comfortably. That was before my life went into the shitter. Everything seemed fine then. Everything was normal then. Or, as normal as things could possibly be, at least…

I sat on the side of the booth that was facing the door and I was leaning the cushion of the booth, drumming my fingers on the table. I hadn’t gotten a coffee yet, and it was a good thing that this place wasn’t too busy because if it were, I’d be kicked out for taking up a table too long without actually buying things. But people didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me. And, in return, I wasn’t paying much attention to them either. I’d look up when anyone came in, checking to see if it was Ray and wanting it to be Gerard.

So maybe I wanted to see him just as much as his son. Maybe I wanted him to be my friend, so what? There was no limit on how many friends a guy could have, right? I just… I needed to show him that I’m not some inconsiderate ass hole like he thinks I am. That I am a good guy. And usually, I’m a good friend, too! I wanted him to know how truly sorry I was. I wanted him to know. I feel like if he did, then neither of us would be so lonely…

“You’re here early.” I heard Ray’s voice, making me look up. I didn’t even realize that I had been looking down at my hands until he said anything. I looked up to his amused grin and gave him a half smile of my own. I felt embarrassed, if only he knew why I was really here. I just shrugged my shoulders and got up to give him a hug. I knew he wasn’t really a touchy-feely person, but I hadn’t seen him in over a month. I missed my best friend. “Whoah, hey Frankie! I missed you, too!” He laughed. I couldn’t even bring myself to do that. After dodging him and everyone else for so long, I forgot how nice it felt just to be around someone who I’d been friends with forever, someone who understood me the way Ray did. Why did I ever drive him away in the first place? I pulled away and gave him another sheepish smile.

“Hey,” was all I could say, bringing my hand to the back of my neck. I felt a little awkward. I didn’t want him to talk down to me for being a dick. I didn’t want to own up to being a baby, but Ray was more grown up than I’d ever be. He would put me in my place.

He stepped back and slid into the booth, and I followed suit, going on the same side I had before. I was sitting up straight, a little stiff, and my hands were folded together. I was waiting for it. But Ray seemed so calm, leaned back, relaxed. His eyes looked a little worried, but otherwise he didn’t seem affected. We sat in silence for a couple of minuets, me looking at the table and I could feel his eyes on me, before he spoke.

“So, how’ve you been? What have you been up to?” He asked, I could hear him moving around. I looked up at him to see that both of his elbows were on the table now and he was leaning forward.

“Alright, man. Been better. I’ve got lots of schoolwork, y’know? It’s all I do.” I laughed at myself, pathetically.

“Ouf, yeah, I remember those days. That’s rough. Now I can see why you’ve been M.I.A.!” he said, laughing too, not at my pitiful situation, but in remembrance of what it’s like to do the work of a college student. He’d only been out for a couple months, and into the life of a businessman.

“Yeah, not one party or anything. I’m kind of in a funk, actually,” I admitted, pursing my lips and looking back down to my hands. If he was going to scold me, then I may as well open the floor so we could get this over quickly.

“Eh, we all get into our own little funks now and then, it’s okay.” He told me, sympathetically. “The important thing to remember is that you’ve got your friends.” Ray said, pointedly. I sighed and dropped my head to cradle in my hands.

Here we go.

“Uh, look, I’m going to go grab us some coffees, you want your usual?” He asked as he slid out of the booth, standing up next to me. I nodded.

“Yes please.” I mumbled, barely audible because my lips were smushed into my hands.

I knew this would turn into an intervention.

I groaned out and banged my head on the table a couple of times before I sat up and rubbed my forehead. At least if we were going to talk about my mini state of depression, then I was going to have some coffee to go along with it. If anything, a little caffeine in me would do some good. I wiped my eyes and then pushed my hair back, away from my face, and rested my head on the cushion of the booth. I stretched my legs all the way out so they touched the other seat and then let them drop. The sound of my Chucks hitting the tiled floor made a pretty loud noise, considering that this place was empty, a couple of people –of the few that were in here- even jumped and looked over in my direction. If I didn’t look like an abnormally short adult man then I probably would have crawled under the table and hidden.

I sighed again and closed my eyes, wishing I would just wake up from this nightmare and it would be the summer again. I relaxed a little bit, too, and shook out my shoulders, trying to relieve whatever tension was building up there. I unwound the muscles in my face and then completely melted into the seat. When I suddenly felt someone grab onto the hem of my shirt and lightly tug, I groaned in annoyance.

Really Ray, what the fuck?

I opened my eyes and just stared at the ceiling for a few seconds, and then looked to my left, getting ready to tell my best friend that he was an ass hole, when I was met by someone entirely different.

A little gasp escaped his lips and he stepped back, but his tiny fist was still clutched around my shirt. His eyes were wide as he looked up at me and I couldn’t help but blink multiple times.

Is this real?

My brow was creased and lips were parted, my mouth open in disbelief. I’m completely confused. I’m baffled.

Did I fall asleep? Is this some kind of sick dream?

Sebastian pursed his lips together and his brow furrowed as if he was mimicking me. Instead of confusion, though, and his signature blank stare, he looked a little impatient. He tugged on my shirt again and I felt nothing but terrified.

How was I supposed to act normal around him when his father looked as if he was in pain when he was around me? I mean, I couldn’t just ignore him. I couldn’t just brush him off; I’d never do that to any child, never mind him. I loved this kid.

“H-Hey, champ…” I finally found it in myself to choke out. “I…” I began again, but then stopped myself. My head shot up and I looked to the front counter and immediately spotted Ray, who was just paying for our coffees. Three people behind him was what I assumed to be the back of Gerard’s head. My mouth twitched. Sebastian’s face had relaxed it’s self and his head was tilted to the side slightly as he looked at me. “Are you h-here with your d-d-dad?” I stuttered out, looking back to the boy, putting on a shitty fake smile.

He opened his mouth and sucked in a breath almost as if he was going to say something, but then he closed it and pressed his lips back together, like he thought better of speaking. His head nodded twice and he unwound the tension in his face once more. Now he just looked hopeful.

I didn’t know where to go from here. I couldn’t ask him anything else other than a yes or no question, because he wouldn’t answer me otherwise. At The Center he and I basically had one-sided ‘conversations’, if we had anything at all. But other than the times when I would put his pictures away or rock him to sleep, we didn’t have much. And I was comfortable then. Now, I’m the complete opposite.

He was just stepping towards me when we heard a frantic, urgent, voice sounding off of the walls at Starbucks.

“SEBASTIAN?!” Gerard yelled, and my head shot up again, even though I just wanted to go and him like I had before.

What the hell was I thinking, just sitting here, stuttering to this little boy, when his dad has absolutely no idea where his son is! I’m such a fucking screw up.

Gerard’s head was turning back and firth, his eyes darting side to side. He was looking towards the bathroom doors and the exit door and his hand was on his chest, above his heart. His face looked sickly and he was definitely breaking down. I cleared my throat and raised my hand, waving slightly.

“He’s right here, Gerard. He’s safe.” I called over to the anxious father, gently detaching the boy’s grasp from my shirt. I was going to let go as I scooted out of the booth, but his tiny fingers wrapped themselves around two of my own. I didn’t want to push him over as I got out, but he walked back as I stepped forward, like he knew exactly what was going on. Gerard was storming toward us. I inched toward him, not even realizing that Sebastian still held onto my fingers. When we were right in front of each other, Gerard and I, he didn’t even look at me. He just dropped down to his knees and put each of his hands on his son’s upper arms but barely applied pressure.

“Sebastian, you can’t do that to daddy! What were you thinking, walking away like that? Do you know how afraid I was? Somebody could have taken you, Sebastian! I thought somebody took you away from me!” Gerard cried out, wrapping his arms around his son now, with full force.

I had to look away. My eyes were watering, I was beginning to cry. Focusing on a space of wall that was bare, so I didn’t see it happen, but I knew Sebastian loosed the grip from my hand before he ripped it away all together. I was hoping he hugged his dad back.

I sniffled and rubbed my eyes, feeling like an idiot for crying because of this, and then ruffled my hair as I looked around the room to see that almost every single person in the coffee shop had their eyes on the three of us, especially Ray; except he was eyeing only me, looking extremely sympathetic. I had to look away or else I’d start to cry again. I put my focus back to the wall.

We stood there for a second or two, and even in those couple of seconds, time seemed to start back up and I could hear murmuring resume, but this time it was all about the scene that had just played before everyone. Why is it that I lately seem to find myself becoming a main attraction while in a coffee shop?
My hands fidgeted and I was just waiting for something to happen. I was waiting for Ray to come over and shake me, and then just tell me to go home and go to bed.

Instead, Gerard cleared his throat. I immediately froze. I inhaled and turned my attention to the two, too afraid to exhale.

“Thank you.” He told me sincerely. His eyes were red and his cheeks were blotchy. His arms were holding onto his child in a firm grip, while Sebastian’s body was completely curled around his father’s as he was being held.

I didn’t give him a chance to say anything, and I didn’t really take in what he had previously said to me, before I blurted out an “I’m sorry!” as I let out that breath I was holding in. “I-I should have brought him back to you as soon as he came over to me! I… I-I know you were worried sick, I feel so bad, I’m sorry!” I blubbered out again, feeling desperate. I looked him in the eyes as I said this though, and even if I felt incredibly weak at the moment I was being incredibly brave. Not only was I apologizing for not being responsible and taking Sebastian to his dad immediately so this ordeal wouldn’t have even happened, but I also got to express my true apology about everything all together. That’s all I’ve wanted to do all along.

Gerard’s eyes searched mine as he shifted his weight. He seemed thoughtful but I couldn’t read him very well. I realized just how nervous he made me right then, curiously staring me down. I shoved my hands in my jean pockets, but began picking at the seams of the insides.

I didn’t want him to tell me to fuck off again. He may not have worded it so crudely, but that’s exactly what he meant when he told me to stay out of his life.

“I’m relieved it was you.” He finally said, very quietly. “Thank you, for bringing him back.” He genuinely smiled at me right then before looking to the back of his son’s head and kissing his hair. “Let’s go home.” I heard him whisper. He looked up, with more tears in his eyes and an appreciative smile, before he turned around and just walked out of Starbucks, leaving me there yet again, alone and confused.

I watched him and Sebastian as they left through the glass door and windows, watching as he walked them to his car. I saw him stop in front of it, and they hesitated. He was talking to his son. Finally he could put the boy into the back seat, in his car seat, and then got into his own seat. It took a couple minutes more before they drove away, out of sight.

“Frank, we need to talk.” My best friend’s voice was serious and right next to me, scaring me to death.

Yeah, I thought to myself.

I had to cave and talk to someone.

Tuesday, October 18th

I felt like I was back in high school, when I’d skip class once or twice and my principle would call my mom. Except I was skipping out on my sanity this time and the principle in the situation was Ray. Lucky for me, mom was still mom.

After Gerard and Sebastian had left Starbucks Ray and I had a long talk, where I basically broke down and told him everything. Literally everything. Starting with meeting the little boy who doesn’t talk, to making friends with Cora, to getting set up with that douchebag of a kid, to Sebastian’s fit that one day, to learning about the Way family’s past, to Alicia dating some new guy and seeming serious about it. I honestly told him everything, all of it up to the fight. And my and Gerard’s last two encounters, of course.

It kind of felt like he slipped some sort of special serum into my coffee that only allowed me to tell the truth, and when I did, I had to say everything and every little detail that goes with it. I let him know all about how I was really down sometimes, and really angry others. I told him that I was jealous of him and Bob. And Alicia and Mikey. I apologized to him for being a shitty friend. I basically spilled my guts all over that table in Starbucks.

And then, of course, right after he called my mom to tell her everything he could as I was on my way home. When I found out I wasn’t too thrilled. It had taken everything in me to break down and tell my best friend all of the shit that had been clouding up my brain, and then he goes and tells my mother. I couldn’t blame him, though. It’s what any good friend would do for another. Or, should do. My own head has been shoved so far up my ass that I haven’t even taken the time to consider that anyone else’s life could be in shambles right now. I’m not the only person with problems. But it took me a good kick in the pants to realize this, of course.

After Ray and I talked for hours on end, I felt so much better. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t automatically cured or anything like that, but it was nice to just get everything off of my chest. I went back to my mom’s house that night and actually sat down with her to have dinner for the first time in a month. I could tell she knew what was going on by the way she fussed over me. She was already cooking dinner –my favorite- and had a can of Coke out and ready for me at the table. It was almost like she knew I was going to come and talk to her.

Ever since my teenage years started, my parents babied me less and less. I was given responsibility and expectations. My household chores increased and my allowance was raised. Rules were to be followed. My mother stopped doing my laundry, cleaning my room and making my plate at dinnertime, as I was growing up to be a man and should learn to do such things on my own. So, when I came home to find a set table, a drink for me out and waiting, and a meal that would be in set in front of me any minute by my mother, I knew that she knew.

My mom has been nothing but a strong and supportive woman, she’s always so patient and understanding. At work she is a professional and takes her business seriously, but never falters from being completely kind hearted and nurturing towards the children. She’s the best mom I know. And no matter how much of a devil of a child I’ve been from time to time, she’s never given up on me. Whenever I’ve had a problem or been in a difficult situation, she’s always waited until I was ready to talk about my feelings or what was going on, even if I think she secretly knew everything all along anyway.

This hasn’t been the first time I’ve fallen into a funk, and even though it definitely isn’t someplace I’d want to visit again, I’m only human, so it probably wont be the last time, either. I usually don’t like to bother people with my problems. Even if it’s something crucial, I treat it as if it were trivial and try to just get by on my own. Telling Ray everything a couple of days ago was probably the best thing I could have done, because then I didn’t have to keep it locked up inside of me anymore, and my mom wouldn’t be worried that I’d burst at an minute. Even though I was a little ticked off initially, I feel like it saved me from being even more stressed out at the end of the night. Mom and I had a nice dinner together and then afterward we talked in the living room about my past month, how everything fell apart and about how I’ve been trying –and failing- to make it all better again. She didn’t sugarcoat anything when she told me that I was an idiot, but I was only an idiot because I didn’t come to her sooner. She told me that, no, I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place to Gerard, but she also reassured me that I was only human. She knows how stubborn I am, and understood why I felt the need to go to his workplace to apologize to him, but she said that I need to give him his space. If I were ever to run into him or Sebastian, and Sebastian should leave his dad again to come see me, then I should without hesitation, bring him back immediately. That was the one part she didn’t tolerate, and I didn’t disagree with her. But she knows just how fond I am of that little boy. Mom knows, that for some reason, he and I have made this strange connection and bonded with one another. Without much time and communication, Sebastian and I have linked to each other and I can’t seem to let go. Which is why I can’t bear the thought of Gerard, his dad, absolutely loathing me for saying the wrong thing one time in a vegetarian coffee shop. And, being an owner of a daycare and working with all different kinds of families and situations, my mom understands both sides of the story.

So, when she told me that for now I should lay low and put my persistent nature on hold, I listened to her. For about two days, that is. I could say that after my classes today I subconsciously ended up at Barnes & Noble when I went for a drive to get out of my dorm, but I’d be lying to myself. I didn’t have anything to say to Gerard this time, I didn’t have any apologies to cry out, but I felt that I needed to go there anyway. I needed to be there, I needed to go inside. Maybe he was working, maybe he wasn’t, but my plan was to just go in, pick out a magazine, maybe get a coffee and read. That didn’t involve pestering Gerard with my pitiful sorries, did it? I didn’t think so. After all, my dorm room back at school was obviously occupied and I had nowhere else to go but an empty house where no one could provide me with delicious hot coffee or an entertaining read. I felt justified in my actions.

Or, I did until I spotted the man, who I was poorly avoiding, doing the very same thing I’d convinced myself I was coming here to do. Choruses of shit and fuck bounced around in my head as I stood off to the side of the entrance, not quite sure what I was going to do. I’m sure I already looked like an idiot with my wide eyes and stiff form, my face paling for no reason that anyone could tell just by walking past me. I could just leave and avoid a whole new confrontation that was sure to come up, but then I’d look like some sort of crazy person who entered stores and then left a minute later, not browsing or buying anything at all.

There was always the possibility of looking around, though. I could pretend that I needed a new book for school, or even just something for myself. I had been meaning to pick up a guitar book to learn some new songs, but it was kind of useless to spend money on that when I didn’t really have the money to buy new strings to replace the ones that snapped earlier this month. And I didn’t know if I could fake being interested in reading anything else. I blinked out of my zombie-like state and scanned what I could see of the store. To my right was the magazine section and in back of that was Barnes & Noble’s fake Starbucks, where Gerard was still sitting at a table with a coffee in one hand and a book in another. I quickly averted my gaze and found that in front of me was a huge display of the company’s ‘Nook Book’, which was some sort of electronic reading source in place of actual books –which I found to be a little ironic, since this is a bookstore. To my left were calendars and greeting cards, which were right next to the cash registers. I bit my lip, still undecided and a little worried that Gerard would look up and deem me a stalker.

Was I a stalker?

I’d have to say that right about now I felt like a god damned stalker, that’s for sure. And to think, this whole expedition has been carried out because I’m stubborn, yes, but also because I just wanted a friend. I wanted, and still kind of do, Gerard to be my friend. But I had to fuck up trying to achieve that friendship status and now I’ve plummeted right down to being a stalker. Good going, Frankie-boy.

Making the ultimate decision that, other than leaving all together, scanning through the magazine wracks was my safest bet. I went up and down each isle, trying not to draw any attention to myself while paying close attention to each magazine in every section. I knew that I wasn’t interested in mostly any of them, but I was kind of hiding from Gerard’s view at the same time. Every so often I’d take a quick peek to make sure that he still had his head down as he read and wasn’t scoping me out. If I could help it, then he wouldn’t see me at all! I’d just have to be super sneaky…

I was even so sneaky as to hide myself in the women’s section that included all sorts of different magazines about celebrity gossip, and how to raise your family, and how to decorate your home, and how to make a fabulous dinner in 30 minutes. Luckily, Martha Stewart was kind enough to come out with seasonal magazines and this month’s was obviously about Halloween, so I didn’t look too strange leafing through it. Or, at least I didn’t think so.

And, if we’re being honest here, I got pretty into looking in the book, too, and almost forgot that I was doing it to hide from Gerard in the first place. The costume ideas were a little cheesy, but not too bad, and I really liked how easily –and affordably- decorated the outside of a house to look haunted. Plus, all of the treats looked so delicious! I mean, I’m practically drooling over this dumb Martha Stewart magazine, but I was justified, right? I am a Halloween baby after all…

Choosing to actually buy it, and then force my mother to help me do half of the things in it for the intended holiday, I checked to see if the coast was clear to go to the register, expecting to see that mop of black hair, a book and a coffee sat at a table and instead found an old woman who was playing cards by herself.

My eyes widened once more.

Now I could run into him anywhere and then shit would really hit the fan.

I should have listened to my mother and just not done anything at all.

Why am I such an idiot?!

I let out an annoying whine at my own stupidity and scrunched up my face in irritation.

Why do I put myself into these situations?

I whined again and then leaned out of the isle to see who was at the register and noted, gratefully, that it wasn’t Gerard. I looked the other way and the old lady was still there, dealing herself cards and Gerard wasn’t in sight. I felt like a soldier about to charge into a firefight and took a deep breath, holding it as I emerged from the women’s magazine isle and made my way to get in line. I didn’t dare look around while I walked, or even while I waited. I just kept my gaze on the floor, the safest place to look in the entire store. Why I was this nervous, I wasn’t sure, but my stomach wasn’t feeling right and I was all together just very anxious. I wanted to get out of here, and fast. By the time I was called over by the cashier, I couldn’t have been more relieved, and even smiled at the guy just because he wasn’t the one I had been avoiding this whole time. I didn’t even know him, but I knew he wasn’t someone I couple possibly have a confrontation with, so it didn’t really matter. He was nice, too, and didn’t even question my purchase. Just asked the usual “Did you find everything okay?” and “Do you have a Barnes & Noble card on you, sir?” and “Do you want your receipt in the bag?” I made sure to tell him to have a nice night before I left and he smiled back at me, saying a polite “Thank you,” in return.

As I opened the exit door I felt as if I were a stealthy ninja, making it unseen and alive out of a mission. I was proud of myself for not ruining another evening; that everything turned out okay. I felt really stupid for coming here in the first place, and then silly for worrying so much about it, but now I felt good. Everything was all good.

Up until I decided to be chivalrous and look behind me to hold the door open for anyone else who might be leaving, that is.

Straight down the carpeted path that lead to the help desk, where he and I first spoke, was a confused Gerard who happened to just look up at that moment to see my dopey, smiling face unintentionally looking back in his direction.

I left that store like a bat out of hell.

Thursday, October 27th

“Okay, Frank, you got everything?” mom asked me, leaning over to read the list in my hand. I was going to CVS to pick up Halloween candy for Monday, because I wanted a good selection for myself and the trick-or-treaters, and I knew the store would sell out otherwise. Plus I needed to buy the ingredients for treats if I wanted my mom to make me anything special for my birthday. I looked over the long list of things and nodded, pretty sure I had everything.

“Alright, then I’ll see you in a little bi-Oh! If you don’t mind I’ll need you to add something else, too.” Mom said, and I shrugged figuring that it was probably chocolate sprinkles or a certain type of candy. I handed her the slip of paper back and she grabbed a pen on her way to the counter, scribbling something once she had the flat surface to use. I tapped my toes and nodded my head while I waited. Once she was done she looked over the paper once more before folding it up and then handed it back to me, smiling suspiciously. Automatically I stopped nodding my head and tapping my toes, my right eyebrow arched. I opened the page and scanned down the list to the very bottom and saw that in my mother’s messy scrawl she had written women’s sanitary napkins. My face scrunched up in disgust and I growled.

“I refuse to buy those.”

I held the list out back towards her, not wanting to look at what she wrote any longer. She looked a little guilty for a second but then rolled her eyes at my childishness. She snatched it from my hands and huffed, stuffing it in her pocket and then went to the closet by our staircase. I was confused.

“Wait, what’s going on?” I asked, genuinely not sure what she was doing. I already had my own set of keys in hand, and my coat was on. I was ready to go and buy everything else… except those things… and yet my mother was fetching her own jacket to shrug into and mumbling something about being me immature. I scoffed and crossed my arms, and began to tap my foot once more. “Mom,” I dragged out impatiently. “What are you doing?”

“Well, Frank, because you won’t get the things I need, I’m going to have to go shopping myself.” She snipped, obviously annoyed. I scoffed again, she was being over-dramatic. Her son, who is in his twenties, should not be buying her female things. That’s just gross.

“Mom! You can’t expect me to get those! It’s embarrassing!” I whined, dropping my arms and slouching. She looked over to me as she got her purse from the table with an expression that was not amused and I let out another whine.

“Not anymore, I don’t. Which is why I now have to go out. You’re off the hook.” She replied dryly, walking past me to the front door. I objected to this statement as well.

“But I wanted to pick out the candy!” I basically screamed, stopping her in her tracks.

“Frank, there’s a whole list of specific candy here. It’s fine, you don’t need to go, I got it.” She insisted, reaching for the door handle and turning the knob.

“But you never pick the right bags! You don’t know!” I cried out, knowing that I was being the over dramatic one now. I stomped in her direction and stared at her back intently, silently willing her to turn around. I wasn’t surprised when she did, either. She groaned at my foolishness and held out her hands questioningly.

“Would you like to come with me to CVS to pick out candy, Frank?” she asked me, in a monotone voice. I smirked and pretended to think about it for a second before nodding eagerly and stuffing my keys in my pocket so I could follow my mom out the door!

I was entitled to be picky about my Halloween candy, after all.

After being spotted by Gerard in Barnes & Noble a couple days ago, I decided that it was finally time to reunite with my friends and become social again. I didn’t want to dwell on the fact that I am now probably considered a super creepy stalker, and I didn’t want to stress over being some guys friend while ignoring the great group of people who were already my friends. As impossible as it may sound, I guess I kind of snapped out of whatever I was going through on the drive home from the book store.

I’d sent out a mass-text to Ray, Alicia and Bob telling them that we were having a movie night, if they all agreed to actually be with my sorry ass, and that it would happen either that night or the next. There would obviously be movies, drinks, and snacks. I felt like it was a kind of childish ritual that I was asking them to go through with, but I didn’t care. It was our ritual and something I desperately needed. I even told my cousin that she could bring her boyfriend. And he ended up coming over, too! He even brought old-school zombie movies, which reassured me that he wasn’t a bad kid at all.

At times I would catch Alicia kissing Mikey, or Ray giving Bob a secret look, but for the most part P.D.A. was nonexistent. Sure I felt a tinge of jealousy, but that’s only normal. That comes with being single. And I didn’t call them out on it, either, because they were being really good. They were all trying for me and I appreciated their efforts. I appreciated their friendship.

We had a great time that night, and I’ve been in a great mood since.

As soon as we arrived at CVS, I was excited. Not only was I going to be thoroughly checking each bag of candy to make sure that they’re worthy of the children, and myself, but I also planned to goof of with some of the costumes and props for decorating. I dress up every year, and generally as something different, so this would give me a chance to figure out what I was going to pass out candy as. Usually I’d either be having a party or going to one, but I figured it would be best to play it low key this year and just let everyone do their own thing. Especially since they all have someone special to spend it with now.

Mom and I went our separate ways, both of us picking up a basket as we went, and I noticed she headed for the women’s hygiene section as I was going straight for the costumes. Only being CVS, the selection wasn’t amazing or anything, but the prices were cheap and every once in a while you could find something to your liking. I’ve always been fascinated by Halloween shops, especially the ones that have elaborate displays and costumes that don’t even look like costumes and sell realistic props and a ton of makeup. But I never actually shop there. Ever since I was little my mom’s always taught me the value of a dollar, as she started her own business with barely any money and had to work her way up in the world. Because of this, for every holiday, she would always take me to these fancy stores and let me look at everything. We would both see things we liked, be it a table topper that was a turkey for Thanksgiving or a really pretty ornament at Christmas time, and then come up with a way to make it on our own and save money doing it. The perks of having a mother in the daycare business was that she was more than likely a creative woman. And luckily, her creative gene passed on to me.

But CVS was good to have around, because if we didn’t have time to make something –because projects take a ton of time and effort- then mom and I knew that they would most likely have something close to what we were looking for per occasion. Especially if we went to the store after the holiday, because then things were even cheaper and I could stock up for the next year.

As far as costumes went, though, I never liked to be a repeater. It happened a couple of times over the years, but I tried to change it up most years. When I was a baby my mom would dress me like a lion or a monster, to keep me warm and snuggly. I think I was Super Man one year, too. When I was old enough to walk around myself I enjoyed throwing a white sheet over my head and “Boo-ing”, thinking I was some scary little shit. I’ve been a dinosaur, a skeleton, and both Mario brothers separate years. I’ve dressed up like a devil before and I’ve been a rock star, naturally. When the movie came out, just like every other teenage boy, I went around terrorizing the neighbors as ‘Scream’. I have gone trick-or-treating as all of the classic monsters, such as Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolf Man, and of course Frankenstein, which has been my most popular choice. No matter what I was for Halloween, my family always called me Frankenstein on my birthday. It was tradition. And when I saw a mask hanging from a hook, I knew I needed to buy it, especially because it was the only one there.

This Frankenstein mask resembled Boris Karloff’s original features, but instead of having green skin the monster’s was a purple-y pink color, almost like a magenta. What I liked best about it was that the hair color was lime green and not the stereotypical black. The bolts on either side of the neck were a neon orange color, and it didn’t even have some flimsy string, the mask covered the whole head. Plus, unlike most of the masks in the isle, this one didn’t look cheesy or poorly made. And I could actually see and breath while I was wearing it. There was no way I could just leave the store without buying it. No possible way. Not wanting to put it in my basket like a normal person, I put the mask on my head. I didn’t pull it all the way down to cover my face, because I knew that if I did my mother would yell at me in the store (and that would be beyond embarrassing) so instead I left it so that it was securely on my head and wouldn’t fall off, but didn’t cover my face at all. Plus, I wouldn’t scare any kids wearing it this way, and that’s always a good thing. I smirked to myself about my findings and then made a 180-degree turn to face the shelves completely packed with candy. This was going to be fun.

I slowly examined all of the different types of candy and the different kind of brand names that sold on. Though mom and I are excellent savers, one thing we do tend to blow a good chunk of change on is Halloween candy. I don’t know if she always did, but ever since I’ve been alive she has. She loves seeing all of the kids in their costumes every year, especially the ones from the neighborhood who also go to The Center, so what better way to draw them in than to get everything they could possibly want? My parents were never the kind of people to buy me a ton of Christmas gifts, because I didn’t really need them, and because my birthday was already on a holiday, going out and trick-or-treating and getting heaps of treats always felt like a present so we would have a cake and I’d get a couple of things like movies or CDs or t-shirts. The only time my parents ever spent a lot of money for my birthday was when I turned 16, and my dad got me my own guitar. For Easter I would a chocolate bunny and on Valentine’s Day my mom would buy me a corny card and a heart-shaped box of chocolate with a cartoon character, but that was it. They never spoiled me or spent their money on foolish things, so my mom felt that it was reasonable to buy so much candy, (even if was kind of a silly thing to splurge on if you took the time to think about it).

I saw packages of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and huge Hershey chocolate bars. There were bags of M&M’s and Skittles. My eyes fell upon packs of Twizzlers and Almond Joys and York Peppermint Patties. There were Twix, Snickers, Three Musketeers, Baby Ruth’s, MilkyWay’s, KitKat’s, Butterfingers and Crunch bars galore. Little boxes of DOTS and Junior mints were next to individual bags of candy corn and gumball eyeballs. Laffy Taffy’s, Starburst, and Sour Patch Kids. Tootsie Rolls and Tootsie Roll pops, Ring Pops. Jolly Ranchers, Nerds, Sweet Tarts and Smarties. There was even bat and pumpkin shaped pretzels! Without shame I grabbed two of everything, as they were the big bags full of “Fun Sized” treats. If they had the packs with multiple different kinds of candy then I’d get two of those, too. Once I was done completely filling one basket and then needing to go and get another to basically fill as well I felt much too tired to go and mess around with the all of the Halloween decorations and toys like I’d originally intended. Plus, carrying two baskets full of treats was heavy and I didn’t want to carry them around any longer than I possibly had to! I decided that I needed to find my mom, pronto, and make sure she had what we needed to make desserts, because I was ready to go home!

As I lived both of the heavy weights at the same time, I huffed and did my best to all but drag them up and down every isle in search of my mom. I had to literally go through every one, too, because was on one side of the store while I was on the other. I guess I could count all of the dragging – I mean lifting- as that workout I’d been meaning to do. When I finally saw the back or my mother I let out a content sigh and wanted to collapse onto the carpet out of relief and exhaustion. I didn’t though, as that wouldn’t be very manly of me, and suffered the three-second walk over to her. But as soon as I reached my mom, I realized she wasn’t alone. And, just as my luck would have it, she happened to be with Mrs. Way and little Sebastian.

The knots that hadn’t been in my stomach for days began to re-tie themselves and just like that, I felt like a nervous wreck all over again. For some reason I was afraid that Sebastian hated me now too, after the Starbucks incident and if he hated me then surely everyone else in his family must hate me. Especially his dad and grandmother.

Timidly, I poked out behind my mom’s back to make my presence known (even though they probably already knew I was there from all of the huffing and puffing I was doing and by the thumping from dropping the basket). They could probably tell by my smile that I was a little anxious, and to top that off I gave them a shy wave. I must have been so red, because I could feel how hot my own cheeks were from blushing.

To my surprise, though, Donna’s face lit up and she smiled to me. I looked down to see Sebastian’s eyes bright as well and that he had inched out so that he wasn’t as hidden behind his grandma as he was a second ago. He was holding a packaged costume to his chest and by the looks of it I could tell that the little guy wanted to be Harry Potter for Halloween, which turned my nervous smile into a fond one. In one of Donna’s hands I saw she had a basket as well, and just like mine, hers was full of candy too.

“Frank! I haven’t seen you in months! How are you?” Mrs. Ways asked me, seeming very excited to see me. I smiled politely and stepped out from behind my mom so neither of the ladies would think I was being rude.

“I’ve been pretty well, thanks.” I told her, even if it was a lie. I didn’t want to end up saying something like ‘For a while I should have been locked in the loony bin because Gerard and I are kind of at odds right now, but I’m getting better, thanks!’ “How are you?” I asked, managing to keep my voice nice and steady. I put both hands in my coat pocket so I wouldn’t fidget with them while making conversation.

“Fine too, thank you for asking. We’re just here picking up some candy for Halloween and a costume for Sebastian!” She said, putting her hand on the boy’s head lovingly. I noticed Sebastian look up at his grandma in admiration and my smile broadened.

“Oh, really? That’s so cool!” I exclaimed, more aimed towards the boy, and then pointed at the mask on my head. “I’m getting my costume here too, see?” He looked up and nodded when he saw the Frankenstein mask. I was glad he didn’t seem to be afraid.

“Frank, I was just telling Mrs. Way and Sebastian here about your party on Monday night! They’d both love to come if that’s all right with you!” My mom chimed in, her words flowing easily as if she didn’t just completely make up the fact that there was going to be a party on Monday. I turned around and showed off my perplexed expression, but she just smiled back at me and nodded her head as if she’d already made up my mind for me.

“Oh, that’s right! I’d love to have you two there! It’ll be my 21st birthday, so I hope you can make it to celebrate with me!” I lied once again, kicking on my charm. And as soon as I said it, too, Sebastian looked back up to his grandmother with what I thought to be some sort of hopeful expression.

On one hand, I was silently cursing my mother. Now, against all of my own plans, I had to throw this party and force everyone together so that way I didn’t disappoint this kid if Donna said yes. On the other hand, though, I was wordlessly thanking her. I missed the little guy so much, and even though the last time I saw him was a disaster, if he did come over then he could possibly have a good time.

“Well,” She started, but she didn’t seem too unsure of herself as she looked down at her grandson. “We’d have to talk it over with daddy and Papa, but I don’t think it would be a problem, do you?” She asked him sweetly, smiling at the boy. He gave her a small smile that melted my heart and shook his head, not seeing a problem with the idea of it at all.

“Excellent! Then we will see you on Monday night! Any time after seven is fine, and don’t worry about coming late because I’m sure Sebastian needs his time to trick-or-treat!” Mom said, cheerfully. Mrs. Way and I nodded at this, because of course he had to trick-or-treat before this ‘party’. It would be unnatural if he didn’t. “It was extremely nice seeing you two outside of The Center, but Frankie and I have to get going! I need to hide all of these candies from him so he can’t eat them before Halloween!” Mom exclaimed, making Donna giggle. I could see Sebastian was fighting a smile, but I wasn’t. It was a well-known fact that I am a lover of candy, and if in sight, I will eat it. So my mother had to hide it from me every year until Halloween night.

We said our goodbyes, as they needed to get going too, and checked out. I felt really happy that we ended up running into them, and that my mom sprang this party on me, even if it was last minute. As soon as I got into the car, though, I scrambled to find my cell phone in one of my pockets and sent out texts to Ray, Alicia, Bob and even Mikey, inviting them over Monday night.

I hoped they wouldn’t reply back with a ‘no’.

Monday, October 31st

I made sure that I double checked with my professors what tonight’s homework would be last week and got it done ahead of time so I didn’t have to spend my night worrying about it. Currently, it’s six forty-eight and I feel like a chicken with my head cut off. Mom usually didn’t get home until six fifty, but I was out of my classes by eleven thirty this morning, so I was left in charge of decorating and even making some of tonight’s desserts. It was the first time I had to set up everything for my own party, but it was the first time I had to make everything kid friendly.

I took out all of the Halloween movies, which we had many, but had to put back all of the gory ones. That only left a couple of options like The Nightmare Before Christmas, Hocus Pocus and The Addams Family. Not that I was complaining, of course, because I loved those movies dearly. I just didn’t know how my friends would react to that, plus the fact that I refused to serve alcohol tonight, and I would be forcing them to play really lame games such as: Pin the stem on the pumpkin, musical chairs to a Kidz Bop Halloween CD my mom bought for the daycare, and bobbing for apples in my garage. This was all in hopes that Sebastian would loosen up around them and have a ton of fun.

My goal was to even make him laugh. A toughie, but not impossible.

As soon as I heard the handle to the front door jiggle, though, I was extremely relieved. Everyone else, as all of my friends astonishingly agreed to come over willingly, was going to be here in about ten to fifteen minutes and I still wasn’t even ready yet! Plus, we hadn’t set out candy for trick-or-treaters and I still wasn’t allowed to know where it was hidden. I was in the kitchen when I heard her, so I waited for her to put her things away and come in before I threw my arms up and cried out: “I need to get ready!” She just rolled her eyes and me and then motioned for me to leave.

Mom was already in ‘costume’. Or, as costumed as Linda Iero gets. Aside from a select few years I had begged my parents for us all to dress alike, my mom didn’t really dress up herself. She usually just wore a shirt with a pumpkin on it, or maybe had a witch hat on. This year she chose to go into work as “Minnie Mouse”. Though, her version just included a headband with mouse ears and the red bow on it, which she bought in Disney World when we last went a few years ago, paired with a white shirt and black pants. I wasn’t picky with what she wore, as long as my costume was flawless. And tonight I was planning on wearing my black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and a black sweater over it. To match my mask I had on purple and green Nike’s that I coincidentally already owned. I gave myself a once over in the mirror, unnecessarily as I had no one to impress, and smiled at my appearance.

Not too shabby, Iero. Not too shabby.

I made it back to the kitchen just in time to answer the door and I was thankful that a huge bowl of candy had been set out in case it wasn’t a party guest. I brought it with me and set my face in a smile, opening the front door only to find Alicia in some sort of Tinkerbell costume, I believed it to be, with black and white striped stockings and combat boots and her only coat was Mikey’s black hoodie. Almost unrecognizable because her hare was rarely ever up, I raised my eyebrow to her and her get up, but stood aside to let her and her boyfriend in. From what I could tell he was going for a Peter Pan vibe, with a green v-neck shirt, but that was the only indication. He held out an envelope with my name on it and I took it from him, giving him a nod in thanks.

I shook my head at the two and then looked outside to make sure there weren’t any trick-or-treaters so I wouldn’t shut the door in their faces, and I’m glad I had because the very first of the night had arrived! A little girl dressed as one of the Disney princesses was with her parents, who weren’t dressed as anything but chilly parents, and I decided that instead of giving her two pieces of candy I would give her three. I couldn’t help it, she was so cute! I smiled as I waved bye-bye to the family and doubled checked that no one else was coming so they wouldn’t get a door shut in their face. Tapping my fingers on either side of the candy bowl as I walked into the kitchen, the first thing I noticed was my mom taking her creature cake out of the oven. All it consisted of was basically chocolate cake, which chocolate frosting and then a pack of Oreo cookies crumbled over it to look like dirt. Then, she put gummy worms on top with marshmallows that had ghost faces, cookies that said ‘R.I.P.’ on them and fake spider and bat and skeleton rings on the sides. She made it every year, and every year it tastes more and more delicious.

I set the candy bowl where it had been before, and my card from Alicia and Mikey next to it, and was happy to notice that even though the Tinkerbell in my kitchen certainly wasn’t dressed like my cousin, she still acted like her. Knowing Alicia, I’m sure she didn’t need to be asked to start helping out, and had put herself and Mikey to work. They both had taken arranged the bowls and dishes on the table – over the table cloth that we have, which looks like a whole mess of blood spatter - and they were emptying the bags of chips and pretzels and cheese puffs into them for later. I hadn’t done that before because I didn’t want anything to go stale before people got here.

I took a chip and munched on it for a minute, swallowed and looked at my cousin’s get up once more. It wasn’t the black and white stockings or the combat boots that made her look out of place, it was the dress that did it. It was barely anything at all, just green fabric that didn’t cover her chest, or shoulders, or her ass. I’m not quite sure how my Aunt Mary let her out of the house looking like this, but I know that I wouldn’t have. I was thankful she was only coming here for the night, because if her and Mikey were going out, I’m sure he’d have to end up killing someone for wolf-whistling to her or something. The kid looked like a bag of bones, but I’ve learned that he is very defensive of my little cousin and knows how to respect a woman. Come to think of it now, I’m sure she only has his sweatshirt on because Mikey made her put it on to cover it up. Good man.

“What are you wearing?” I teased her, and then got a pretzel to eat this time. She looked up at me and sneered before going over to the counter to set my mom’s desserts on the table next. Mikey silently threw me a look, looked at Alicia, and then back at me before rolling his eyes which made me laugh. Out of the corner of my eye I could see my mom shaking her head at us, but she was smirking as she iced her monster-faced cupcakes, so I knew that she knew it was all in fun.

“Oh yeah? Well what the heck are you wearing? You don’t even have a costume this year, just a mask!” Alicia teased me back, sneering. I opened my mouth to counter back to her, but before I could even think of something to say the doorbell rang again. I knew my mom was still busy with her treats and I didn’t expect Alicia or Mikey to get the door, so I grabbed my candy bowl just in case and marched over proudly. On my front porch I found a pirate, another princess, a hamburger, and a boy who I believed to be dressed as Justin Beiber. I told them they all looked great in their costumes and that they were allowed two pieces each, and when they were done to have a happy Halloween. They all said yelled ‘thank you’ over their shoulders as they ran off to the next house and new kids showed up in front of me. This happened about three more times before I got to go inside again.

My eyes lit up as soon as I saw my table set with the bowls of regular snack foods set out and desserts galore! There was the creature cake, the monster-faced cupcakes, gingerbread boys and girls who had white frosting on them to make them look like skeletons. My mom made brownie balls that are covered in white frosting with brown, blue and green M&M’s stuck on to make it look like eyeballs. She made a hummus and spinach dip in large pan and put pretzels, crackers, broccoli and celery in it to make it seem as if it were a haunted graveyard, and mini-bagels that looked like mummies whit cheese for wrappings and olives for eyes. To wash everything down we had her infamous “rotten-apple punch”, which was just frozen apple cider in a punch bowl and gummy worms floating around in it. My mouth watered.

Alicia and Mikey were sitting, already eating and talking about something. Mom was still at the counter, working on something, but I couldn’t see what it was. I didn’t think we needed any more treats, but I wasn’t going to complain! I would sit down and grab a plate of food, but I was afraid that as soon as I did the doorbell would ring and I’d just have to get up all over again. So, instead, I just picked at everything in front of me, plateless and still standing.

“So, Frank, how was your day?” Mikey asked me politely. His fingers on his left hand was wrapped around the Halloween-themed paper cups I insisted we needed to buy, and he was holding a mummy bagel-bite with his right hand. I’m glad he seemed to be enjoying himself.

“Eh, y’know. Having school on Halloween is always a drag, but when it’s your birthday it sucks, man.” I told him honestly, but laughed to make light of the situation. He gave me a half smile and nodded. I just shrugged, because there’s nothing I could do, and then munched on a cracker from the graveyard dip.

Everyone was quite for a minute or two, with only the sounds of us chewing our food and my mom making whatever she was making. Then, all of the sudden, Alicia looked up with her eyebrow raised. “Why isn’t there any music playing?” she asked me, and I almost choked on my hummus covered pretzel.

Music! We needed music!

I was about to dart into the living room to put that Kidz Bop CD on when the doorbell rang yet again, making me groan. “Could you please go put that on? The CD is on top of the stereo…” I begged my cousin. I expected her to put up a fight, but I was relieved when she smiled and nodded instead. “Thank you!” I told her, dragging out the ‘you’, grabbed my candy bowl and made it to the door right when whoever was behind it rang the bell again.

I opened it and found Ray and Bob looking a little impatient, most likely from the cold, and I felt bad about making them wait. “Oh! Hey guys! Sorry, come in, come in!” I urged them, motioning them into the house. They both smiled at me, Bob’s teeth chattering, and gratefully stepped inside. I couldn’t follow them, as a blue monster and his mom were on their way over, with a witch and a monkey and their parents behind them, so I stayed put and waited without a complaint.

Once I was sure no more kids were running to my front door, I went back inside and put the candy bowl back in it’s rightful place. The ‘Monster Mash’ was playing and everyone was surrounded in the kitchen and they were into a pretty good conversation about Ray and Bob’s lack of costumes, so instead of interrupted, I decided to see what the hubbub was about. Ray’s shirt had the Transformer’s logo on it, which didn’t surprise me. He’s worn costumes for me before, but I never pegged Bob to be much of a costume guy, so it would have looked strange if he showed up in one and Bob didn’t. Bob’s shirt was orange, which was odd because other than his work shirts the only color I’ve ever seen him wear was black. It read “This Is My Halloween Shirt.” I laughed to myself because it was just like Bob to have a shirt like that.

I had to leave them again, though I went unnoticed, because the doorbell rang. I brought my candy with me and was greeted but a chorus of “Trick-or-treat” from five or six teenage girls in their cheerleading uniforms. As soon as they saw it was me who answered the door it was as if their inner slut came out because they jutted their chests and pushed out their hips and started to curl their hair on their index fingers.

Oh god.

“Hey ladies.” I said dryly, and held out the candy bowl. “You can pick two.” I told me and tried to make sure they knew I was not interested. I put on a bored expression and leaned against the doorframe, sighing exasperatedly. They were giggling and telling me how much they love my costume and how cute I am and how yummy the candy looked, anyway. I inwardly groaned and just hoped they’d leave in a minute or so because they were all annoying.

I definitely did not miss dumb high school girls.

Finally they left, shaking their asses as they went which made me scowl. I checked to make sure no one else was coming and shut the door a little more forcefully than I probably should have out of aggravation. I didn’t like when girls did that, went out on Halloween dressed like adult woman, and begged for candy while trying to be seductive if a guy answered the door. It was just gross.

I mumbled a “Yuck” while I went back inside and decided to finally sit down and relax. If the doorbell rang again, I’m sure my mom wouldn’t mind answering it for a bit. I got myself a plate and put a ton of different food on it, preparing to load up my tummy with deliciousness.

“Here Frankie, these are from me and Bob.” Ray told me, holding out two envelopes, and breaking me from my concentration on the blood-spattered tablecloth. With a full mouth, I reached out and took the envelopes from him and tried my best to smile without revealing my food. He and my mom laughed at me and I was a little embarrassed at my bad manners. I swallowed the couple of cheese puffs that I had stuffed into my mouth and then said “Thank you,” to my friends.

“Any time, man.” Bob said, smiling. At that minute I appreciated everyone that was in the kitchen, celebrating my 21st birthday with me. We may not be going nuts with kegs or raves or glow sticks and neon paint, but we were enjoying each other’s company, and to me that’s pretty special. It’s what I’ve wanted all along, to just be surrounded by my friends and family. And even if Donna and Sebastian hadn’t arrived yet, I was glad my mom had me set up this party, because it was beginning to feel like the best I’d ever had.

We were all joking around, relaying old Halloween memories and how weird we were as kids when the doorbell rang next. I moved to get up, but my mom stopped me and told me to sit and relax, that she could take care of it. So, I rested back into my chair and took a gummy worm off of the creature cake. I sucked it up all at once and it squirmed around in my mouth, making me smile. I love gummy worms.

“Frank,” My mother called out from the hallway. “Guess who’s here!” She sang, her voice getting closer and closer. My shoulders perked up and I grinned, excited that they were finally here! I looked like everyone with big eyes and got up. We all must have looked really awkward standing around in the kitchen, but that was fine. I didn’t want to seem impolite because I was still sitting when Mrs. Way came in.

When a gasp sounded through the room, though, I looked up to find someone I didn’t expect to.