Sister of Syn

Jeanie climbed the two front porch steps and knocked on the door, just as she'd done every day for the last week. She waited for Papa Gates to answer the door and tell her that Brian still wasn't speaking to anyone, just as he'd done every day for the last week.

Much to her surprise, it was Brian who pulled the door open. His dark hair was mussed. He had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, and he obviously hadn't shaved in several days. His eyes held so much raw emotion that Jeanie couldn't meet them without wanting to cry. He stepped out onto the porch, closing the door softly behind him.

"Hi," Jeanie said quietly.

"Hey." He sat on the top step and dug a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his pajama pants.

"How are you feeling?" Jeanie asked, not sure if she should sit next to him or not. There had been so much distance between them since the funeral that she didn't know if they were even still a couple.

"Like shit." Brian took a cigarette and a lighter out of the pack. He stuck the cigarette between his lips and lit it. "Being here is worse. There are too many memories of her here. But Dad won't let me go home. Not that he could stop me if I decided I wanted to leave. I stay here for him."

"He's worried about you," Jeanie said.

"I know." Brian blew out a long stream of smoke. "Kristy blames herself and Jimmy," he commented, changing the subject. "She says they should've told me Melia had tried heroin so I would've sent her home and she'd still be--" he broke off, inhaled deeply on his cigarette, and continued. "Jimmy says that's bullshit. He says Melia only did it once in their presence and that was just to satisfy her curiosity. They aren't responsible for what happened that night. Personally, I agree with Jimmy. Don't you?" He looked at Jeanie expectantly.

Jeanie nodded. "Yeah. It wasn't their fault."

Brian chuckled bitterly. "And Brent blames me. Says I should've kept a closer watch on her. Dad doesn't blame me, but I don't think he blames Zacky, either."

"He doesn't," Jeanie stated matter-of-factly. "He and Brent told Zacky it wasn't his fault. I was there. I heard it."

Brian stared at her. "You were at Zacky's?"

Jeanie nodded.

"When?" Brian wanted to know.

"We've all been there every day," Jeanie informed him.

"But...why?"

"Why?" Jeanie echoed. "Are you fucking serious? Melia was his girlfriend! The day after the funeral, he begged Matty to let him kill himself. He feels like he has nothing to live for. Melia is dead; you're his best friend and you won't talk to him. While you sit over here drowning in your self-righteous hatred, we're all on 24/7 suicide watch, trying to keep Zacky alive."

"Why do you want to keep him alive?" Brian retorted, his voice rising. "Let him fucking do it! He killed my baby sister! Stop fucking excusing him!"

Anger rolled into Jeanie, and she snapped. "NO!" she yelled. "You need to stop excusing yourself! You killed her! You broke a promise to her and it broke her heart! She tried heroin because she wanted to know why you loved it enough to lie to her. Zacky was trying to make her happy by giving her what she wanted. You only cared about yourself!" She stormed away, leaving Brian gaping after her in shock.

*****

Brian killed the engine of his car. In the sudden silence, he could hear birds singing.

Taking a deep breath, he climbed out of the car. It had now been two weeks since the funeral, and Melia's grave was so covered in flowers and random memorabilia that it looked like the whole of SoCal was mourning her death.

Brian knelt beside the grave and studied the nearest pictures. There was one of Melia, Mickie, Kristy, and Jeanie. Another showed Melia laughing with Matty, Johnny, and Jimmy. Yet another had captured Melia stretched across the laps of AFI's Davey Havok, My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way, and the Madden twins of Good Charlotte. Someone had written "Forever in our hearts. We miss you, Baby Gates!" on the back, and all four guys had signed it.

Brian raked a hand through his recently-cut hair. He glanced around to make sure he was alone, then he let it all out.

"Sorry it's taken me so long to visit. I've been having a hard time since you've been gone." He paused to light a cigarette. He raised his eyes to the clear blue sky. "It doesn't seem right for the sun to shine when you aren't here. I don't see how the world has moved on. I haven't. I can't. I keep telling myself it was all a nightmare. I keep hoping it'll all be over when I wake up. But each time I open my eyes, nothing has changed."

He sighed. "I remember the way you used to leave me voice-mails after every show. You used to tell me that even though you weren't there, you knew we kicked ass because we were the best band in the world." A small smile quirked Brian's lips. "I remember Dad getting pissed off when you got suspended when you were in eighth grade. You punched some guy in the face for saying that we sucked. You were so proud, and we congratulated you. That was what pissed Dad off." Brian chuckled. "God, I'm gonna miss all those things you used to do. The little things that made my world brighter. I thought I knew what it meant to miss someone. All those times on the road, away from friends and family...I thought that was missing someone. But this..." He shook his head, finished his cigarette, and flicked it away.

"I'll never hear your voice again. I'll never see your smile. I'll never experience your quirky sense of humor. No one will ever be as proud of us as you were. No one will know when I most need a break and give me an excuse to take one every time. That bright spot in my life is gone now." He had to stop for a moment as his throat tightened with unshed tears.

"What am I supposed to do without you, tiddlywink? I need you here. I need your faith in me, your love and support." Tears spilled down his cheeks. "I miss you, tiddlywink. You were my best friend and my muse. I'm lost without you."

Another picture caught Brian's attention. Wiping away his tears, he picked it up. It showed Melia with her arms thrown around Zacky's neck. She was kissing his cheek, and he was laughing. Brian recognized the background--they were on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City. Brian turned the picture over. Scrawled across the back in Zacky's familiar writing were the words "The stars in the night, they lend me their light to bring me closer to Heaven with you." It was a lyric from their song, "Gunslinger." A lyric that, if Brian recalled correctly, Zacky had contributed during the writing process.

And Brian realized three things: One, Zacky had been in love with Melia long before they ever started dating; two, Zacky would never be okay until he knew that Brian didn't blame him for Melia's death; and three, Brian hadn't blamed Zacky since Jeanie's tirade on his front porch.

"I love you, tiddlywink," Brian whispered. He ran to his car, jumped in, and sped to Zacky's parent's house. He pounded on the front door.

Mrs. Baker opened the door. She looked shocked to see Brian.

"I need to talk to Zacky," Brian said. "Please."

Mrs. Baker moved to let him in. "Thank you." Brian strode inside, heading straight for the stairs. He was vaguely aware of a fairly large group in the living room as he passed. He ascended the stairs and burst into Matty's room. He caught a glimpse of Zacky in the bed before Matty was in his face.

"Get out," Brian ordered.

"No," Matty refused. "Last time you were around my brother, you hit him."

"I just want to talk to him," Brian said.

Matty narrowed his eyes. "You swear?"

Brian nodded solemnly. Matty took one last look at his brother and left. Brian slowly approached the bed. "Zack?"

No response.

"Fine. I'll talk, you listen." Brian situated himself on the edge of the bed. "Your lyrics for 'Gunslinger' were about her."

Zacky tensed slightly, but gave no other sign he was listening.

"She loved you, too, Zack. And she'd be so ashamed of me and the way I acted. I blamed you to cover my own guilt--"

"But it was my fault!" Zacky jerked upright, glaring at Brian. He looked like hell. He hadn't shaved since the funeral, and his eyes were red-rimmed from crying. "I bought the heroin! I injected her!"

"And Papa Gates let her go on the road instead of keeping her safe at home," Shads piped up, walking in with Jeanie, Johnny, Jimmy, and Matty. "And if Brent had bitched more when he found out she was dating you, she might've been kept home."

"And I was the one who let her shoot the first time and gave her a taste for heroin," Jimmy added.

Zacky frowned, confused. "No--"

"The point is, everyone involved can find a way to take the blame," Jeanie said.

"But you weren't there that night!" Zacky argued. "None of you were!"

"You didn't know the heroin was laced," Johnny said. "There was nothing you could've done."

"None of us is to blame," Brian said quietly. "It was a freak accident. The reason we feel guilty is because she was ours to protect and we failed."

Everyone went silent, knowing he was right.

"So, you don't hate me?" Zacky asked Brian.

"No way, man," Brian assured him. Zacky hugged him, shaking with sobs. In a matter of seconds, Jimmy, Johnny, Shads, Jeanie, and Matty piled on in a group hug. Kristy, Mickie, and Sara--who had all been out getting lunch for everyone--soon joined them. For the first time since Melia's death, the entire group grieved together.

*****

One Month Later...

Zacky paced restlessly, toying with Melia's dogtags, which Brian had given back to him before going into rehab the day after their breakthrough. Brian was smoking an endless stream of cigarettes. Shads was doing vocal exercises. Jimmy was playing with his drumsticks. Johnny was sitting silently, but his bouncing leg gave away his anxiety.

They were about to play their first show since Melia's death, and Zacky didn't think he'd ever been more nervous. They'd decided to perform at Chain Reaction and had sent out a request that any local fan who'd seen them back at the beginning attend the show. Those who brought old ticket stubs were let in free. The idea was for the audience to be made up of people that had met Melia when she'd acted as merch girl.

"Guys?" JB Diz poked his head into the room. "It's time."

There were no enthusiastic shouts. No pumped up banter. No laughter. It was a subdued group that filed towards the stage. They were solemn and silent, each lost in his own thoughts. They knew what this show represented--saying goodbye, letting go, moving on. The problem was they weren't sure they were ready to say goodbye forever.

Papa Gates, Brent, JB, Matt Berry, Matty Baker, Mr. and Mrs. Baker, Dan, David, Sara, Jeanie, Kristy, and Mickie were gathered at the side of the stage. The audience cheered as the guys took the stage. Zacky noticed several people holding black roses.

They stuck to upbeat songs for their main set. It was just easier to pretend this was a typical show and not to do any songs that would bring a sense of melancholy to the performance. They left out "A Little Piece of Heaven" at Jimmy's request. He just couldn't hear it without thinking of Melia.

The crowd was hyped on adrenaline, and it was almost like things were normal again. Then, it was time for the encore. Zacky grabbed his acoustic guitar and returned to the stage with his four best friends. Brian and Johnny both moved to stand with Zacky while Shads did what he does best: talked.

"As I'm sure all of you know, the A7X family suffered a terrible loss recently. Syn Gates' little sister, Melia, passed on March 11th. She was an amazing person. She was a great friend, who sacrificed a lot for this band. She was like a baby sister to all of us. Her love and support helped us through thick and thin. And to one of us, she was a friend, a fan, and a lover." He glanced at Zacky. "So now we're going to do a song dedicated to her. It was written for her by the man who loved her with all of his heart, and out of respect to him and what they had, we will never again play this song live. This is 'Gunslinger.'"

Zacky picked out the intro, and Shads sang with more emotion than ever before. Every person in the audience had either a lighter or a cell phone raised. Jeanie, Mickie, and Kristy came out to help with backing vocals. When Brian hit the solo, Shads embraced Zacky. The girls were crying, and Jimmy was blinking furiously to fight his tears. Brian stood at center stage, eyes closed, the lights causing the tears on his cheeks to sparkle.

"We love you, Baby Gates," Shads said to conclude the song and the set.

Backstage, the guys were swarmed by friends and family. Zacky broke away fast and started for the exit.

"Yo, ZV!" Brian caught up to him as he was opening the back exit. "You okay, man?"

Zacky managed a small smile. "Yeah. I just need to take care of something. I'll be back."

Brian nodded. Zacky walked outside and got in his car. He drove to Huntington Beach, to the pier near the neighborhood where they'd all grown up. This was the place he'd first said "I love you" to Melia and meant he was in love with her. It had been his 21st birthday and he'd been mildly drunk. Of course, Melia had thought he just meant he loved her like a little sister. He hadn't had the nerve to correct her.

Zacky trudged to the end of the pier. The cool sea air made his tears feel scalding hot. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. He gently removed the ring from its cushion--the ring he'd been picturing on Melia for the last two months. If she'd been alive, she would be his fiancee by now.

"I'll never forget you, Melia. I love you." He kissed the ring, then flung it off the end of the pier, letting the endless black sea swallow the future he'd longed for but could never have.