The Little Things Give You Away

I feel so confused right now. This isn't right but there’s nothing I can do about it. Last night I wanted to have sex with Riley; my best friend! Now, I don’t even know. Why is everything so complicated? If this was simple my brain would be hurting a lot less than it is right now. That’s right; I’ve put so much thought into this that it generally does hurt.

I hate this stuff.

“Matthew,” my dad shouted me over to him, using my full name this time. Every parent does that when they’re angry.

I walked back into the kitchen and realized that Caitlin and Caron mum weren’t in there anymore. In some ways that was good because I knew they wouldn’t be interfering, but it could also be bad. Me and dad having this talk on our own must mean that it’s serious, and without C-mum here to defend me I'm going to have to do that for myself.

“What’s this all about?” he asked me with a sigh before gesturing to the chair opposite him.

Although I didn't want to do what he said, I did it anyway. Maybe if I attempt to get back on his good side he’ll make this talk a little easier for me.

“What d’you mean?” I grumbled.

“Why are you being so off with me? With everyone?” he asked, sounded irritated by my behavior.

He’s seriously not the only one who getting irritable at the moment. There’s so much going on in my head right now and it’s really freaking me out. I don’t know how to deal with all these feelings and thoughts and just when I need my family most, they have to go and be annoying all the bloody time.

Dad is too concerned in keeping my body healthy to even notice the mess I’ve been getting into on the inside. Sure, sport is all I'm good at but that doesn’t mean I have to wrap my whole life around it all the time. He forces me onto every school time that there is and trust me, I don’t volunteer to do those stupid runs every morning. In fact, I'm surprised he hasn’t brought that up since I didn't wake up at the break of dawn and go for a stupid run this morning. Riley was there but I doubt that would stop him making me go. I half expected him to force me out of bed and make Riley go with me. That’s how he is though. He works me way too hard and doesn’t give a damn about how I actually feel about it.

Nothing’s the same since mum...

“Well?” he shouted.

“I don’t need you in my face all the time!” I shouted at him. Yeah, that summed up what I was thinking just perfectly.

“And if I wasn't in your face, where do you think you’d be, ay?” he asked me sharply. “If I wasn't here to push you into shape then you’d have nothing going for you.”

“Thanks,” I huffed. “At least now I know I'm only good at stuff when you stick it down my throat,” I told him sarcastically. I'm certain that the parts of me I'm really proud of come from mum and not him. She made me care about people. She really helped me and she’d actually listen to what I had to say.

Dad brought all the stuff I hate about me. I'm argumentative, violent, I don’t listen, I’ve got a short temper, and all that other stuff that I hate. Yeah... that’s from him.

I can’t talk to him... Not about anything. He just wouldn't understand.

“The only things I’ve, as you said ‘shoved down your throat’ are ones that are really going to help you in the long run.”

I let out a laugh then. How is this going to help me?

“You’ve got an attitude problem,” he told me firmly.

I have an attitude problem?! Me! Oh well done. I wonder where I got that amazing asset from. And as if he can talk. His attitude needs some tweaking as well. He’s not perfect. There’s the way he treats Ry like some charity. How is that a good way to deal with something? I hate how he does that and if Riley knew then he would too.

Then there’s the way he worships Chuck, the pedo security guard, and takes his view of a story over mine. Why won’t he believe his own god damn son?

“No I don’t,” I hissed. “I’ve just... never mind,” I muttered.

I wasn't going to open up to my dad about anything. He doesn’t need to know about this stuff.

“You pushed your little sister off a chair,” he explained bluntly. “You can’t tell me you don’t see something wrong with that!”

I rolled my eyes.

“She’s not my sister,” I said, looking up and into his eyes. The majority of our conversation was filled with raised voices, even though we were just sat opposite each other at the table. It sort of felt good to let some of this out though.

“You pushed a little girl off her chair.”

“She’s done worse to me. I just don’t go around telling everyone about it. I mean if she was actually your daughter and I was Caron’s son, then you’d be having a go at her right now.”

In my head that was true. He was only punishing me because Caron would get annoyed about her little girl getting ‘hurt’. He’s only doing this to keep her happy. I don’t know why she’s sticking around here anyway. She seems nice and all but everything’s different since she and her brat showed up.

“You’re jealous?” he questioned.

“What?!” I gasped. What do I have to be jealous of?

“You think I pay more attention to the girls than you. Is that what this whole drama’s about?”

“No,” I said quietly, shaking my head at him. I don’t think it is.

“Talk to me.”

I looked at him for a few moments before giving in.

“Just stressed,” I whispered. “Need to think.”

“Thank you. Now you can go up to your room,” he said tiredly. “You’re grounded and can’t have anyone over for the week.”

I was about to complain but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Even though I can’t remember what I did wrong, I do need a little time to just chill out and get my head straight. Well, hopefully I’ll still be straight when I'm done thinking anyway.

When I got to my room I was surprised to see Caron already in there waiting for me. This can’t good.

“Sorry about Caitlin,” I said quickly, ensuring that she couldn’t start nagging me about it if I’ve already apologized.

“It’s okay,” she said, sucking on her lower lip as if she was really thinking about something. “Can ask you something?” she asked me. “It’s about you and Riley.”

My cheeks started to heat up. She doesn’t know how I feel. She doesn’t know about the kiss and the almost sex and... Oh my God what if she does?!

“S-sure,” I stuttered. This wasn't a good start.

“Last night, or this morning, whatever, what was happening?” she asked, looking pretty confused.

What’s she on about? Not the kissing. Please not the kissing.

“There was a party and, we came back late,” I told her, trying to hide the guilty look on my face.

She could see right through me... I just knew it.

It’s none of her business anyway. She’s nothing to me. What right does she have to spy on me like she’s a parent or something?

“You two were pretty loud when you came in.” My face got even redder, I could just tell. I could feel my hands started to get sweaty as well. She knows... “Caitlin came in and let me know what was going on, she thought it was a burglar at first but then she told me what she saw you two doing,” her voice sort of trailed off at the end then. They both know. She couldn’t have seen us. Caitlin would’ve stopped it if she had seen it. She’s the sort of person who interferes with every little moment that you want to savor.

“She’s lying,” I said stupidly. “She wasn't awake when we got in and we weren’t doing anything,” I promised.

“Then I brought an extra blanket in for you guys, thinking one of you would end up on the floor...”

The next blush hit my cheeks really hard. If Ry hadn’t fallen asleep then we would’ve been full on going at it when Caron walked in. Thank God for Ry’s inability to control his alcohol properly.

“It wasn't... It really wasn't what it looked like.” That was one of the oldest sayings in the book, but it was worth a shot, right?

“It’s okay,” she said calmly as we both sat down on my bed. “You two looked really close and if there’s more to it than that then I want you to know I'm fully okay with that and I’ll completely support you.”

“I'm not gay,” I groaned. “We...We kissed,” I whispered, instantly regretting telling her. It was none of her business. I'm assuming she does already know though thanks to Caitlin. “It meant nothing. We were drunk and I didn't even like it,” I lied. I did like it. I liked it so much I wanted to take it further. “Does Cait understand what...what she thinks she saw?”

“She’s eleven. Of course she knows,” she smiled, still trying to sound supportive though. “Your dad doesn’t know, so don’t worry about that. And if you really didn't like it...maybe this doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t,” I told her confidently.

When she walked out I had the oddest feeling that she still didn't believe me, but what more could I really do?

This has just gone and made the whole situation more complicated. I wasn't comfortable with myself remembering last night with Riley, but now other people know about it and it’s making me even more nervous.

I was tempted to phone Riley so I could try and talk this through with him, but I then remembered that he doesn’t remember anything at all. There’s no one for me to talk to. Caron would offer an ear but I don’t want to spill my heart out to her. She doesn’t know me. My real mum would know what to do though... I know she would.

After spending the whole day in my room, dad finally called me down for tea. It was a Saturday night so we had the joys of reality TV to watch as a family. Yey. I hate those shows but dad makes me watch them every weekend so we can have family bonding. Does anyone else think bonding over the TV is kind of stupid though? ...Might just be me.

“Come sit with your old man,” dad greeted me as I walked into the lounge with my tray of food. Yeah, we eat off trays at our house.

I technically did sit with dad, just not on the chair like he wanted me to. I sat just in front of him on the floor. There’s something about being down there that I really like. Floors are just more comfy for some people I suppose.

There was some talent show on at the moment. Talent shows are the worst of them for me. They just don’t interest me at all.

After the first few acts, these guys came on and the crowd cheered for them. They looked pretty cool. Well, they had a sort of look that I liked. Not that I pay attention to that sort of stuff or anything.

Come to think of it, that guy with the black hair looks a little like Riley. Not much but they have the same nose. I love Ry’s nose. It’s just...nicely shaped I guess. And I remember it feeling really good when it was pressed against my cheek last night.

Okay, I need to stop being fascinated by noses.

My eyes widened slightly when the two men took hold of each other’s hands, turned to look
the other in the eye and started to sing something that sounded like a love song. They’re...They’re g-gay. Why? Why are they gay?!

“Can we turn it over a second,” dad grumbled.

I stared down at my legs as I tried to hide how embarrassed I was for those two guys. They’ll be laughed at all over the world for doing something like that. Don't they know how many people hate gays?

“They’re pretty good though,” Caron smiled, refusing to change the channel.

For once I agreed with dad. I don’t need to see men making out on my Saturday night.

“We don’t need to see this so early on a Saturday,” he complained. It was only half seven but I thought that was the normal time for these shows to be on anyway.

“W-why not?” I stuttered, looking up at my dad.

“You know why. It’s just...not natural.”

I didn't argue with him anymore. I was too scared to.

When their act was done they hugged and then quickly pecked each other on the lips. Dad made more sounds of disapproval when that happened.

“Just like Matt and Riley,” Caitlin giggled making my whole body shake in alarm. Dad was bound to hear that!

“No sweetie,” dad said as calmly as possible. “They’re different,” he explained trying to not look too disgusted.

I let out a deep breath then. He doesn’t believe her. He thinks she’s only saying that because we’re both good friends, not because she caught us raping each other’s faces or anything...