The Little Things Give You Away

The family were still a little bit iffy with me but it wasn't something I couldn’t handle. I suppose I was acting off with them as well so it’s not like they’re all to blame, even if I would love to say that they were.

“Coming for a run Matty?” dad asked, carefully opening my door and seeing that I was just lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling. I’ve been doing that a lot lately. It helps me think.

Although I was tempted to pass on that offer, I could see how much dad wanted it. I mean he was already dressed in his running gear. Embarrassing, yes, but the whole schools seem him like that before because he occasionally wears it for work. The first time he did it was the hardest, but after that I stopped caring about what other people were saying.

Imagine what people would say if they knew I was gay-

Not that I am. I'm not. Okay, just if I were it’d be really hard and... Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. I'm not gay so no one cares about my sexuality. As long as I'm straight no one’s going to bother me.

“Alright dad,” I smiled lightly. “I’ll just change or something.”

With that he shut my door and I started rummaging through my wardrobe for something that would keep me fairly warm, because it was still freezing outside, but that wouldn't lead to me overheating when I eventually start working up a sweat.

I put on the first thing I saw that would briefly fulfill that and then jogged down the stairs to meet dad in the living room. He was talking to Caitlin. All that did was remind me that I still haven’t apologized directly to her for the stuff that happened yesterday.

It can wait... I'm not good with saying sorry.

“Right come on son,” dad groaned as he stood up from the chair and stretched a little. “See you ladies,” he called to the girls before we headed off.

We were running in silence to begin with. Dad was going a little slower than my usual pace would but I decided to stick with him. In a way this was like a bonding session for us. Even though we’re not talking or anything, it’s still good for us.

I was just concentrating on my breathing when I noticed which way we were heading. We were running down the hill that leads to Riley’s. Dad doesn’t like it down there so why are we going? I thought he wanted this to be about me and him.

Just then all of the thoughts I’d been trying to push aside came back. What would Riley be doing right now? Maybe he’s taking a shower.

Oh God. I actually stopped dead in my tracks at that thought. It was way way way out of line. How could I think that? The worst part was... I’m sort of starting to picture it. I’ve started doing that whenever I think of him. Stuff’s different now.

“You alright?” dad asked, looking concerned. “You’ve gone all pale.”

“Imma... I’m fine,” I told him carefully. Dad definitely couldn’t know about this. Did you hear how he was last night with the gay couple on the talent show? It was scary how much he hated it. I mean, if I was gay, which I'm obviously not, would dad hate me like that too?

“Not out of breath already are you?” he laughed but when I didn't answer he looked at me with worry again. “Are you ill or something?” he asked me.

Oh why’s he making such a big deal out of this?

“Look I'm fine,” I told him firmly. “Just, thought I had cramp or something,” I lied to try and cover up what was actually going on.

When we got back to running I realized we were getting closer and closer to Riley’s. I didn't understand why dad was still going this way. He hates this street and said I'm grounded and can’t see Riley. If this is some way of teasing me I’ll kill him.

I noticed dad slowing down when we were practically right outside his house.

“Dad...” I started, praying that he wasn't planning on doing anything.

“One thing I love about running,” he panted as he got his breath back, “is, is that it helps get your mind straight.”

The emphasis he put on the word straight scared me. I’d better just be imagining it. There’s a good chance I'm just being paranoid again. But maybe there was more to it than that. Why would he tell me this while we’re standing outside Riley’s?

“Um, yeah I suppose,” I told him awkwardly.

“Should we invite Ry on our run?” he asked me suddenly. “I know you’re grounded but... This once,” he smiled.

I sort of didn't want Riley here though. Not with my dad right there. I’m worried about how I feel for him and I'm scared that I’ll do something and just mess everything we have up.

“He’s out,” I told him, praying he’d take my word for it. “Told me about it yesterday.”

My dad just nodded before we turned around and carried our run back up to the top of the hill. I felt so awkward around him sometimes. It was horrible really.

It sort of turned into a race to the top, which I won with ease. I’ve been running this hill every day since Riley moved around here. Dad’s only done it a few times and frankly I'm in a lot better shape than he is at the moment.

“You’re getting old,” I laughed as he almost collapsed at the top of the hill.

“Just..giv’me a breather,” he puffed.

Once dad finally got his breath back, we made our way back home at a lot steadier of a pace.

“Joe!” I heard Caron shouting as soon as we walked in. “Laura called!”

I sort of felt a slight ache in my chest when she mentioned Laura. I haven’t seen her in so long and the one time she decides to call I'm out somewhere running around like a maniac. I seriously didn't think I’d miss her so much.

“We’re calling her back, right?” I asked dad quickly.

“Yeah,” he smirked. “I need a word with my baby girl.”

It felt so good that she’d actually called us...unless something was wrong. Oh God. There’s me in panic mode again.

Dad went upstairs because he said he needed a shower first. I couldn’t understand how smelling or looking good was important for making a phone call though. She’d only be able to hear us, nothing else.

“Erm... Caron, did you talk to her?” I asked, sitting next to my step mom on the couch.

“Yeah,” she sighed in thought. “She’s a sweet girl your sister.”

She really is.

“Did she say anything?”

“Well... There were hellos and how’s everyone’s, but other than that I think she just wanted a word with you or your dad.”

“So she wasn't upset or anything?”

“No honey, don’t worry. She seemed fine.”

That was good. Laura was never good at acting and Caron was good at seeing through people so I knew everything must’ve been alright then.

“Matt,” Caitlin asked, walking over to me. “Where’s Riley?”

The heat fell onto my cheeks but I couldn’t let them notice that. Why was she bringing him up? If Caitlin wanted to talk to someone then she should talk to her mum, not me, and she shouldn’t be talking about my best friend.

“Why?” I shrugged.

“I like him,” she smiled. “He’s nicer than you.”

“Charming,” I smirked. “Oh and... I'm sorry for...being... bad? Yesterday,” I told her awkwardly, knowing that I still hadn’t made that up to her.

“So you should be,” she pouted. “Do you like Riley too Matt?” she asked me.

Why does this conversation keep going back to him? This is ridiculous!

Caron could tell that this was annoying me and that made it even harder. She so knows I like him.

“He’s my best mate,” I told her bluntly. “Of course I like him.”

“Well,” Caitlin frowned. “I don’t want you kissing him because I like him too and I don’t like sharing.”

If I wasn't so confused over Riley right now I probably would’ve laughed.

“We didn't kiss,” I whispered, wanting to make that clear. “We were just...talking closely,” I told her. I knew she wasn't going to buy that but I thought it was worth a shot.

“Sure you were,” she said in a really sarcastic voice.

It was really unlike me but I couldn’t think of a comeback or anything. I wasn't even angry at the moment with the stuff she was suggesting. If anything I was ashamed and really really embarrassed. My little annoying step sister thing is convinced that I'm gay. Just perfect.

Once she went back to concentrating on the TV Caron turned to me with a weak smile.

“I’ll try talking to her if you want,” she told me.

I nodded weakly but didn't say much else. It didn't feel like there was anything for me to say. This was just too awkward.

After sitting with them for a few minutes I snuck off and went back upstairs. Before I got into my room I heard dad’s voice. He was talking on the phone to someone.

“So you have enough money and everything,” I heard him say before a silence. “Good, but if you do need some more I’ll transfer it over.” There was another moment where I couldn’t hear anything. That’s what I hate about listening in on phone conversations like this: You only hear the one side. “How’s school going?”

It was pretty obvious that he was talking to Laura. I sort of wanted him to wait for me, you know? I thought... Oh it doesn’t matter what I thought. I just wanted us to talk to her together. No big deal.

I walked into his room and sat down on the bed with him, doing my best to ignore the fact that he was soaking wet and only wearing a towel. He was my dad though so it wasn't like I hadn’t seen anything like this before. When I walked in he looked a little agitated, as if he didn't want me to be in there. She’s important to me too though so I wasn't going to let his stupid signals force me to walk out.

“That’s brilliant honey,” he smiled. “So do you know when you’ll be coming home for a bit?” he asked. “I think your brother’s missed you.”

He looked over at me when he said that last bit and I couldn’t help blushing ever so slightly. Is it wrong for me to miss her? No. I guess I sometimes get embarrassed over things that shouldn’t bother me, but I do my best not to show it anyway.

“Can I talk to her?” I asked quietly. Dad just told me to be quiet for a moment before carrying on his conversation.

Tic Toc was the only thing I was thinking for the next few minutes. He was taking way too long!

“Dad,” I moaned, praying that he’d just hurry up.

“I’ll pass you over to your brother,” he sighed.

Just as he said that I snatched the phone off him with a smirk and ran into my bedroom with it. He can’t take it back now, mwhahaha.

“S’up Laura?” I asked, falling straight into a casual conversation with her.

“Lots and lots of men little man,” she said, laughing at what she did there.

“Bet you didn't tell dad that,” I grinned, knowing full well that he would’ve killed her for making a comment like that.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “Seriously though, I’ve just been studying a load and partying a little I guess. Oh and don’t tell dad but, I think I have a boyfriend,” she told me and I could picture the smile she’d have on her face really clearly. She didn't get embarrassed about that crap like me so she wouldn't be blushing, she’d just have a big, tooth bearing smile on her face.

“That’s great,” I sighed.

“You got a girlfriend?”

I went quiet for a bit then. I don’t want a girlfriend. I want Riley. No. I do want a girl. Oh- Ry. I want him but not for some gay thing. Why’s this have to be so complicated all the time?

“Matt?” she asked. “You still there?”

“Yeah, um sorry,” I told her. “I'm single, just... Thinking about stuff.”

“What stuff?” she asked liked the curious nosy big sister she is.

Like my sexuality for one. Like wanting my best friend.

“Just...stuff.”

“Aww, is my little bro having girl trouble,” she cooed before laughing and going serious again. “We can talk if you want. I might be more helpful than dad and Caron with that sort of thing.”

“Talking would be good,” I sighed, collapsing back onto my bed and just lying there while I tried to find the words I wanted to say.

“So what’s going on?”

What do I say? Oh, you know Riley? Well, yeah, I want to bang him so hard that we remain stuck together forever, but I'm not gay or anything so don’t start thinking that. Oh yeah...as if that would work.

“Just...” I sighed. “Don't tell dad,” I said quietly.

“As if I would. You’re starting to worry me now though.”

Yeah, well I'm worrying myself as well.

“One sec,” I mumbled, quickly getting up and checking to make sure no one else was upstairs. The coast was clear.

I crawled back down onto my bed and decided to just come out and say it. Laura would understand and she’s always there, even from a distance, to help me sort stuff out.

“I, erm, like someone,” I started rather basically, “but it’s complicated. We’ve been friends for really long and... And... I don’t know what what I'm trying to say,” I frowned. Of course I knew what I wanted to say, I just didn't completely want to do it. If I say that stuff out loud it makes it more real and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

“You don’t have to tell me,” she said calmly. “From what it sounds like, you’re interested in a close friend, but you don’t know if they like you back, right? And you don’t want to tell them in case it ruins the friendship.”

“That’s the simple part,” I whispered.

“Oh.”

She’s my sister and she won’t judge me so why shouldn’t I tell her? She’s barely here anyway so I don’t have to see her much after telling her.

“The friend,” I sighed. “It’s not a girl.”

The other side of the phone went quiet for a bit and I felt like I’d made a big mistake.

“Is this friend gay?” she asked, suddenly going back to the conversation like it was nothing.

I love my sister.

“No... Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve...f-flirted a bit, ya know? He doesn’t mind but, that’s how he is,” I tried to explain. “My friends sorta tease us about him l-liking me, but they just do it to bully him and... It’s probably not true.”

“Right. Are you sure that your friends aren’t just seeing something you’re not though?” she asked. “I mean, with the guy I told you about, he’s called Sean by the way, but I had no idea he liked me. Then Jess pointed out the way he looked at me and it turned out she was right.”

I can’t imagine Nate and the guys being right about something. In some ways I want them to be right because that’d mean Riley likes me, but I also really want to prove them wrong as well.

“Maybe. Like I don’t really know,” I sighed. “And I don’t think I'm, you know...”

“Gay?” she filled in for me.

“Yeah. It’s just I can’t stop thinking about Ry and now I'm really confused.”

“We’re talking about Riley?” she gasped making my cheeks flush bright red. I honestly wasn't meant to tell her who it was. Nice one idiot. “That’s so cute. You guys have been close since you were kids,” she reminded me.

“I know,” I muttered, “that makes it harder.”

“No it doesn’t,” she assured me. “He’s more likely to understand this way. If you ever, you know, told him, he wouldn't be mad or anything if he didn't like you back.”

“I'm not telling him,” I said firmly. “I bet it’s just some weird phase or something sis.”

“It’s not. You sound way too anxious for this to be nothing.”

I let out a groan then. I'm not liking this conversation anymore. I'm not gay. It has to be a phase.

“Listen, in my eyes there’s only one way to be sure whether or not this is a phase,” she told me.

“And what’s that?” I asked smugly.

“Try it out. If you like it, you know its right.”

***

The Monday back at school was a little weird. Everyone was talking about the party at Nate’s but I couldn’t really work out why. It wasn't anything that special but everyone seems to think it was. It was just a medium sized get-together if anything. In fact, most of the people who I overheard talking about it weren’t even there.

In form I was sat at the back with Nate again, knowing that when Riley turns up he’ll be able to sit with Ashley. It’s good that they’re friends. The only problem was it was getting harder and harder for me to concentrate on anything that anyone was saying. Its ten minutes into form and Ry still isn't here. Where is he? Oh God what if he’s hurt or ill or something? I'm way too worried about him.

“What you fretting about?” Nate asked me, obviously noticing that something was bothering me.

“Nothing,” I insisted. Just then I decided to bring up what happened at the party, just so it was out of the way with. “You’re an ass you know,” I told him frankly.

He smirked at me then.

“Did I upset your boyfriend?” he asked with a teasing look on his face.

“No,” I snapped. “You upset me. I've told you guys to quit messing with him,” I muttered, hoping that it didn't sound like I had a total crush on him. I wanted it to come across more as me being an overprotective friend.

“We were just having a laugh,” he smiled.

“You didn't have to make him do that stupid dare and you didn't need to get him drunk,” I hissed. “Seriously, what was the point?”

“I was drunk too ya know. Look, Matt, I'm sorry but I wasn't thinking and at the time...It was funny,” he sighed. “Not now though of course. I completely regret it now.”

Bet you do. Sometimes with Nate I find it hard to tell whether he’s telling the truth or just lying to get out of an awkward situation.

“It’s weird how you’re the only one of who didn't have to do some ‘gay’ related dare though,” I smirked. “Don’t you think?”

“You can give me a dare if you want. I'm not pussying out of it.”

And so there it was. Nate was going to call some male hooker round to his house. When I told the rest of the guys what he had to do they all found it hilarious. For me, I didn't think it was funny. In my eyes it was just revenge. I couldn’t even enjoy getting back at him at the moment because Riley still wasn't in. What’s wrong?