The Little Things Give You Away

I shut my eyes and tried to calm myself down after the little episode I’d just had in my room. There’s no point in acting like this. It won’t change anything!

The shards of glass from the photo frame were all over the floor now and I knew that if I didn't do anything about that I’d only end up hurting myself. What’s wrong with me? I just destroyed all that I had left to remember the good days when my family was all together. Sure looking back I think it was all fake and pointless because all along their relationship was a mess and just wasn't going to work. From day one they knew they shouldn’t be together. That doesn’t matter though. It’s better to be happy over something that you can’t be certain was real than be upset about the past not happening the way you wished it would have.

Slowly I crawled over to the glass on the floor at the far end of my room. I started picking up the larger pieces first, knowing that not only are they easier to find and pick up, but I was less likely to accidentally cut myself with the bigger ones.

It was getting harder to get them safely when the parts started to get smaller though and I knew I’d have to be even more careful if I wanted to get through this without drawing any unnecessary blood.

I flinched as I felt one of the shards press against my skin. I froze for a second and let out a silent cry before grabbing onto my wrist with my other hand, putting pressure on the wound as a precaution. At first it killed, but after a while the pain became something that I was used to. It didn't feel like it hadn’t happened, but it started to seem numb from how hard I was gripping my wrist.

After a few minutes the odd tear had fallen down my face, but I wouldn't really say that I was crying, just letting out a little bit of water I guess. I slowly removed my hand to take a look to the cut.

From the pain I felt at first I thought it would’ve been really deep and a pretty big cut as well, fortunately, it was neither. It was deep enough to cause a bit of blood to spill, but it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, and in length it only stretched out one or two centimeters.

A sigh escaped my lips. Part of me kind of wanted it to be worse. I don’t know why but... I just don’t know. I wanted something a bit more...impressive?

I sat on the floor of my room in silence after I’d seen the cut on my wrist. I’d already dropped all of the glass I’d managed to pick up and I didn't feel like trying to get rid of it anymore. I’ll manage a few more days without stepping on it...sure I will.

From downstairs I was suddenly able to hear voices. At first I thought it was the TV or maybe just mum talking to herself, but it turned out that it wasn't that. I knew one of the people down there was my mum; there was no mistaking her voice anywhere. The other voice, however, I wasn't so sure about. I had a feeling I knew who it belonged to, but I thought that wouldn't be the case. Why’d he be here talking to my mum?

As much as I thought I was wrong, it turned out that I wasn't. I sat on the stairs that were just outside of the living room while they were talking. From here there was no doubt in my mind about who she was talking to; it was Matt.

Why he was here I didn't know, but the fact that he was here was clear to me. They’d been talking for ages now, which made me wonder why he hadn’t come to see me yet. He’s meant to by my best friend, not my mums. Not that I'm jealous or anything, I just find it weird and in a way kind of scary.

What if she’s told him something about last night? What if he knows about her making me be some kind of sick hooker? She wouldn't tell him about when I supposedly kissed her...would she?

My heart started racing as I thought more and more about what could be going on in there. She can’t tell him anything about me. I don’t want him to know about all that crap. It’d completely change things between us and I’d really hate it if that had to happen. He’s the only person I’ve ever felt really close to and I’d hate to lose a friend as good as he is.

The door to the living room opened quickly and I saw Matt walk out. At first he didn't notice me, so I shakily stood up, hoping that he’ll just tell me what he knows and be done with it.

“R-Riley,” he stuttered, looking nervous and going slightly red.

I wanted to ask him what she’d said to him, but I knew that if I did that and it turned out that she hadn’t said anything, he’d know that there was something to tell and he’d try to get it out of me. I don’t want him to know though. He can’t find out about this.

“I didn't know you were here,” I lied as I walked over to him.

If I just play it cool then maybe everything will be okay. God I hope so anyway.

“Oh, yeah, I was just coming up to see you,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He still seemed nervous. It was...strange.

Matt’s rarely nervous, he doesn’t even worry about having big matches anymore. He grew out of getting nervous a while ago, so seeing him this way now is kind of hard to come to terms with.

“Cool,” I whispered, looking down as I didn't know what else to say.

I wanted to know everything she told him in there, but I was too scared to ask. Scared that he’ll tell me exactly what I don’t want to hear right now; that she’d told him everything.

“Have you, er, been here long?” I asked, struggling to find anything else to say.

Conversation between us usually flows so easily. Why is it so hard now?

“No,” he mumbled. “I just got here.”

He’s lying to me. Why would he do that?

I nodded at him, trying my best to hide how annoyed I was that he was clearly lying to me. If he realized I knew about him being here a lot longer than what he’s told me, he’d want to know how I knew, and then he’d work out that I’ve just been sat here listening to their mumbled voiced for the past few minutes, as well as hearing them from upstairs before I began intending to ease drop on them.

“I’ve got to go,” he told me as my mum walked into the room, looking directly at Matt.

“I thought you just got here,” I said, in a way challenging him a little.

“Yeah, but now...now I need to leave,” he mumbled before pushing past me and showing himself out.

What was all that about?

“What did you say to him?” I asked mum, walking over to her and frowning at how little she was wearing.

“Nothing,” she insisted. “I'm glad you’re willing to talk to me though,” she smiled at me, thinking she’d caught me off guard or something.

I never told her that I wasn't going to speak to her anymore though. I wish I could stop talking to her, but that’s unlikely to ever happen. She’ll do something that’ll annoy me so much that I can’t help turning round and having a go at her. Can you really blame me though?

“You are okay with all of this, aren’t you?” she asked me, sounding concerned now, which was strange for her. I could tell that she’d definitely managed to change the topic from Matt and what she told him. It’s not all about the news she told me earlier this morning.

My stomach hurt as I thought about it again. Why does she think I’m ever going to be okay with this? Is she seriously that disturbed?

I shook my head at her and tried to hold back the tears that were desperate to break out now.

“You know, if there was a better option, I wouldn't make you do this,” she told me, kneeling down so we were at eye level with each other. “I don’t want you to get worked up over this. It’s something you’ll just have to accept because...well, it’s too late now, isn't it?”

I nodded at her but I don’t know why. I had no idea what she was going on about. Too late for what? She’s deluded if she thinks I understand a word that’s coming out of her mouth. Maybe she’s high or something, just saying exactly what she’s thinking, but not having any idea what any of it means.

“Mum,” I whispered, “do I have to do this?” I asked.

I knew what her answer would be, I just had to make sure I suppose.

“Yes sweetheart, you do,” she sighed, pulling me into her arms.

At first I tried to squirm away from her, but I quickly gave up and relaxed into her grip. She is still my mum, and she must have my best interests at heart. I’ll have to just trust her.

“You can have the night off tonight,” she smiled at me, releasing me from her hold. “Last night was one of the worst you’ll get, trust me, it’ll get better and soon you might even enjoy it.”

I hated the idea that this might become normal to me, but I guess that would be a lot better than being petrified whenever some guy comes near me. Hey, and I got a night off because of it...that’s good, right? I sure as hell hope it is.

***

When I arrived at school, the same security guard that was at the doors yesterday was here again today. I took that as a good sign, we got on pretty well yesterday and he helped me out. Maybe I can call him a friend now...or maybe he’s just a guy doing his job.

“Hey Chuck,” I smiled when I saw him. Matt told me his name yesterday, he also said he was kind of creepy but I don’t agree with him there. He seems like a nice guy, to be honest he seems a lot better than most of Matt’s friends around here.

He nodded at me as he looked through my bag.

“Morning Riley,” he said as he passed my bag back.

I saw Matt waiting outside my locker and I smiled over at him. Chuck turned to see where I was looking and a frown came across his face.

“That kids trouble you know,” he told me.

I let out a laugh. My Matt, trouble? I’ve known him for pretty much my whole life. I’ve known he’s trouble for a long time now.

“Sorry,” I said, calming myself down. “I trust him though,” I added before walking over to where he was standing.

I noticed him glaring over at Chuck, but I refused to say anything to him about it. He can glare at whoever he likes; I can’t stop him.

Matt still seemed nervous, but it was a lot less than he was early this morning. I could tell he was trying to hide the nerves as best he could from me, but I can pick up on these things pretty easily.

“Sorry about this morning,” he told me when I was close enough for him to hear.

“No worries,” I told him, wanting to just move on from that now.

So what if mum’s told him everything? Until he starts to treat me differently, I’m okay with it really. If things stay like normal, then what he knows doesn’t matter.

Even though we were just in our school uniforms, Matt somehow managed to look extra good today. I wasn't sure what it was about him that looked different, but I knew I liked it. Whatever it was; it was good.