Love Is a ***

Is life really suppose to turn out this way? Is it suppose to grind my heart until it turns numb or force me into depression? What about love? Is it really worth the risk that most are willing to take?

I turned my head over to face Ryan’s back to me, quietly snoring. I sighed, and rolled back over resting my hand under my pillow, and the other by my side. I laid on my stomach wondering what was happening between me and Ryan. What could of happen between us that lead to this mess? Me? It was always my fault. He made it clear each time.

Why else would Ryan decide to beat me, punish me, or show me no affection? He didn’t move on, he just doesn’t like how I acted out. I’m the worthless blade of grass that doesn’t matter because there’s a whole field of grass. Ryan deserves better than me. We all know it. How can someone like me possibility do anyone any good?

I close my eyes for a minute wondering how much different my life would be without Ryan, and all I see if darkness. Does it mean I should be dead? That I should of died a long time ago?

A heavy sigh escaped my lips, and I slowly forced my eye lids to open up. The numbers on the clock read almost eight in the morning. I forced myself out of bed, seeming has I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep, and walked into the bathroom.

I stripped from my clothing hoping that a shower would help ease my thoughts. I turned the water on, waiting for it to warm up, before placing my hand under the spraying water. I tested it before I placed the rest of my body inside, and hoped that this would help.

I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and poured some in my palm before lathering it through my hair. I felt my eyes begin to string, but not from the soap, but the fact that I was never loved. I forced the tears back where they came from, and rinsed the soap out of my hair before repeating the cycle.

I turned the water off deciding that enough is enough. There was an ever growing hole in my chest. To everyone who says there life sucks, is a lie to my ears. I’ve never had a family, my boyfriend hates me, and I’m alone in this world. On Earth, I’m just another soul out of the trillions that live on it, and only a handful of them are respected.

I threw yesterdays clothes back on not really caring, and walked over to my side of the bed. Ryan was still fast asleep. I kneeled by my nightstand, and opened up the top drawn. My fingers clasped around a journal, and brought it up to my face. My fingers traced the leather cover carefully, and nodded to myself.

I stood up slowly and left the bedroom. I walked into the kitchen, and sat down at the table. I grabbed a pen that was next to the napkin holder, and opened up to a clean page in my journal.

Ryan,
You are going to be glad once you read this I bet, or maybe before you even read this. I’m doing this for the betterment of everyone, because without me… life would be the rainbows and unicorns we were promised. You don’t deserve me. Your too good for me. It was silly and stupid of me to think that you stilled loved me. I deserved every punishment you had to throw at me, but I didn’t learn enough from each of them, and maybe its time.
I’m too worthless to be on this planet. I can’t be ruining everyone’s life. I’m going to stop now. Don’t even bother throwing a funeral for me… because really? Am I that special to waste a few hundred dollars to mourn over in church? I doubt it.
I still haven’t given up that you still love me. I wonder if I will ever know the answer. Well… I wasted enough of your time. I’m sorry for the emotional roller-coaster I put you on, just by being around me. I guess this is good-bye.
Love and always will,
Mac.

I stood up from the table, and walked over to the knife holder by the stove. I picked a steak knife out, and pressed it over my wrist. The saying was… across the street not down. I nodded and position the blade over my wrist. I kind of hoped that Ryan would wake up, and find me before I died, but that was only in the movies. I sighed, and bit my lip. The blade slicing through my flesh, and veins.

I dropped the blade to the floor, has blood slowly began to pool out, and my body collapsed to the floor with a thump. My breathe hitched for a moment, and my vision began to blur. I was losing my grasp on reality, and I felt my body fighting against itself to stay alive, but mentally I was done. I watched has my vision began to blacken and I drew in my final breathe of air.

Last thing I felt was a arm wrapping around my waist, before darkness engulfed me.