Love Is a ***

I was the rut of the litter, the ugly duckling, and you get it. I’m the person no one wants really. I wasn’t spoiled and I wasn’t poor. I struggled, and of course you have to struggle and fight to live if you’re the rut. No one wants people like me. I’m the one who will annoy you with first impressions.

All my life I’ve moved house to house, and they were weren’t family. My family didn’t have enough to support me. I never met my parents, and I don’t wish to now. Only thing that reminds me of them is this necklace, and it’s real gold.

I remember my earliest memory. It wasn’t happy, it was more eerie. Most people probably remember funny stuff they did like pull down their pants in public or rid a bike for the first time. I remember a women taking me into a car and bought me home to five other kids, and none of them were near my age.

“Mac, you will love our home. There’s always something to do, when your not in school. Reminds me, we have to get you enrolled. Oh, there’s not many kids your age, closest we have is an eight year old boy; he’s the sweetest. The rest are teens who we worry may never get adopted.” she explain.

That’s all I remember for that time until a few months later where they placed me in a new home, and that had more kids my age, but they were always aliens to me. They were from another country most of them, but one, and I remember we used to fight a lot; probably why they moved me.

I remember one foster home I was in when I was in my pre-teens and how they were really religious and made us do these things a lot for church and such. I remember this one girl who was in her later teens who was anti-Christian, and they tried to get her into it, but it did’t work. I lied about being into that stuff.

They were the foster home who took me in for the longest. I remember when I was fifteen I found myself liking men, and began reading gay porn that I bought with my own money. They found it one day and I was cast off into the streets. That’s when Ryan came along.

We became friends the minute we met, and he took me in since I did’t have a home. I started having these feelings for him and he soon returned them. Everyone who knew us said we were meant to be together, and after high school things started changing, but I did’t notice at the time. He was always into drug and we did hang out with druggies, but I remember the first day he laid a hand on me that wan’t a sign of affection.

It was never like this. It was never about the drugs, the booze, and the abuse. It was about me and Ryan, together and at the time we thought forever. Where did he go? Where is the man that I loved? Clearly this soul in here is not Ryan, but maybe a demon or God’s way of testing me to see what I will do.

I remember everyday that Ryan held me, kissed me, and had sex with me; when we were finish it always ended with these three prefect words that only made sense when he said to me. I remember when he use to ask if I was okay, or if I was feeling okay. I often forget that man I hang around with actually has a heart, and sometimes I wonder if he actually uses it; or if it just there to keep a beat that’s no longer ours.

How can such a man do such things? One night it’s a romance with dinner, a movie, and love, and the next is violent beatings on a regular bases. There were no signs! How could of this happen? Family? Friends? Life? Work? Me…? It has to me, and he tells me it’s his fault. Who else could have been responsible for why he started the abuse?

What was wrong with me to make Ryan like this? Did I shut myself off? Did I do something wrong? Do I not listen to him? I just want mine Ryan back! Not this one! This one shows no love to me the way he used to, this one is has special as the old one, and he’s not the one I know.

“Mac! Come on! Time to go!” he called.

I sighed and rolled onto my side to see what time is it, but remember we didn’t have clock after last week. I rouse up slowly, grabbed my coat off the floor. I headed down stairs, and slipped my shoes on before we left.

****************

“Dude, listen. If Chihuahua was attacking you; why didn’t you just kick it?” I asked Mark.

“It was trying to eat me!” he explain.

I chuckled, “Their rat dogs, and you think their going to eat you? Finish your joint.”

He turned his attention to the other group members. An arm warped around my shoulder, “Your amazing.”

“You too.” I lied, but I didn’t want him to get pissed.

He kissed my cheek, and I could only laughed in the inside about how he could only show me his love in public. It reminded me of the old Ryan, but this one was him; I could tell it was a game that he plays when he’s around people.

“You look nice tonight, under the glow of the moonlight.” he cooed.

“You do too.” my words always end with too, when I was around him.

“Ryan! Come with me!” Mark called holding up some money.

Ryan nodded and pressed his lips against mine, “I love you.” with at he left me to stare blankly at his disappearing shadow in the distances.