Threesome

I can already feel the disappointment dripping from their hand-crafted clubs. They’re both eyeing me up while Dave’s trying to work his nonexistent charm on them. His bird cares about him at least.

“He’s a great team player- uh, not that he’ll be playing on a team today… but he’s always cooperative during meetings.”

“David, I don’t think that we’re looking for someone who’s just going to cooperate with us. We need someone who pushes boundaries,” the taller one said.

“Oh- well of course you wouldn’t want that. And Lee isn’t going to just lie down and take it! Oh no, he’s much-”

“Dave, I think I can finish introducing myself.” It was hard to stay diplomatic when Dave was talking. Sometimes he just needed to shove his foot in his mouth.

“Well of course. I’ll leave you to it then.” When Dave exited the room he did some kind of jittery walk. It was as if he literally had, for lack of a better idiom, ants in his fucking pants.

We, all three of us, watched as he left the room. I wanted to shout the heavens when he was finally gone. “I can’t stand that man. I don’t think we’ve properly introduced ourselves. I’m Jason, and this is Logan. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” the taller one smiled at me while offering his hand. I remembered all of the advice everyone had ever given me on how to shake a hand.

Don’t break eye contact.
Don’t offer a greasy hand.
Smile.
Not too much pressure.

I tried to do all of these things, while discreetly whipping my sweaty palm on the side of my ‘clubbing shorts.’ I tried to smile my best kiss-ass smile, seeing as how Jason was giving me this tight lipped smiles. The handshake itself wasn’t anything overly aggressive, but I’m sure he’s practiced that. He was mocking me, I knew he was.

We released hands after a few shakes and I moved onto Logan. His smile was a little easier going, but I could tell he was just as doubtful as Jason was. I didn’t understand how I could have managed to fuck up so much within the first ten minutes of knowing them.

“Why don’t we get going? Our T-time is in five minutes and we aren’t even out on the green yet. I hope you can play golf.” Logan was speaking this time. He seemed sympathetic to my situation, for reasons unknown to me. Maybe it was because I obviously lacked any real golf skills. I had Dave coach me on the basics before this meeting. I had a feeling none of his tips would do any real good.

Walking to the green was pretty fucking awkward. I figured there would be things to discuss, shop talk. Nope, they seemed to be as silent as stone. “You can T off first,” Logan offered. I just nodded my head in affirmation.

I walked over to my designated caddy and, as nonchalantly and as quietly as I could, asked “What should I use for this hole?” My knowledge on which club to use was very limited. The caddy just smiled knowingly at me and handed me a club. I turned around to face Logan and Jason conversing. I didn’t think they saw my caddy picking my club for me, but I bet they did anyway.

I was mentally preparing myself for the humiliation that was to come. As I stepped forward both of the men turned in my direction. I took a few deep breaths before getting into a stance that I thought was right-ish, and swung. Just like in the cartoons I swung at the ball, missed completely, and uprooted a section of grass. I stood their dumb founded, thinking to myself, I can’t believe I actually did that. I thought it was an urban legend or something.

Jason looked annoyed with me while Logan just looked amused. It was like I was a baby that just tried to stick a quarter up my nose, which I obviously couldn’t do, and Jason was the dad while Logan was the mom. Daddy Jason would obviously have been thinking that his son was incompetent, while mommy Logan was just having fun watching.

Logan gave me a small nod and so I tried again, except this time I closed my eyes, sort of as a silent prayer that I wouldn’t mess up again, and ended up hitting the ground. I was exasperated, on the inside of course. On the outside I just stared at the ground hoping something would make the patch of grass return to its rightful place.

Laughing is what made me think yeah, I really suck. Logan was trying to stifle his laughter so it turned out to be more of a little trill of sound. Jason just coughed once and looked away, more amused with his colleague than me I’d assume. “You might want to try looking at the ball, Lee,” Jason offered.

I kind of figured that part out.

One more try and I finally hit it, but it didn’t go far. At all. “Why don’t we just play for fun today, yes? We won’t keep track of the score.” I’m glad Jason was feeling so lenient. Maybe he didn’t dislike me as much as I originally had thought.

I stepped back so that Jason could T-off. He got into stance, fully confident and steady, and hit the ball. To say I was impressed would be an understatement. Logan, however, was not. “You’re off your game today.”

“My game is perfectly fine.”

“You better hope it is, or Lee might end up beating us.”

“My pride is wounded, but don’t worry. I’ve got more tricks up my sleeve.” It was all teasing, but in a kind of creepy way. I didn’t know how to describe it.

After I hit my ball farther, and it really was farther away, Jason started to make conversation. “So why do you think you’d be good for this project?” I was prepared for this question.

“Well the point is to appeal to the younger market, to come up with fresh ideas. I think I can do that for you.” It was strange saying this in front of Jason and Logan because they weren’t much older than I was. Jason may have hit thirty, if you were going to stretch it, but Logan looked to be about 25. Only a year older than myself.

“If you’re as good as David says then I’m sure you’ll do fine working on our team.” There’s that tiny glimmer of hope that I’ve been looking for since we’ve started here today. “I hope your commute isn’t all that bad. David mentioned something about you living a ways away.”

“I live a couple of towns over from the office but I was thinking about moving closer. Gas isn’t cheap.”

“That’s one of the reasons Jason and I had to relocate. Our new quarters are much more spacious than the last.”

The way he was saying it made it sound like they were a couple. After that statement they were giving each other these weird looks. Sure my gaydar was going off a little, but I had thought that everyone who went to a country club to play golf was like that.

Thinking about it now I can’t help but think that it’s more and more likely that they are… partners, or whatever the fuck they want to call it. Well doesn’t that just make this awkward? I felt like maybe this was a test, that if I wasn’t okay with them being what they were then I wouldn’t get the job.

I needed this job.

So I sucked up my discomfort and kept playing golf. I didn’t have anything against them, well, not exactly. It was just kind of really weird. I thought office relationships weren’t allowed anyway.

Logan and Jason kept alternating shots while I was lucky if I even made it near the hole. No one brought up anything more about their living arrangements and I think I managed to smooth talk them, at least a little bit. I tried my best to kind of kiss up to Jason so I could get on his good side. Slowly but surely it worked, I think.

We ended up only playing half way through because we were creating a line behind us. “So Lee, I think we’ll be seeing you again. I’ll phone David about all the details and let him know when you’ll be starting. I’ll also have the contract faxed over to your branch as soon as I can,” Jason said when we were about to part ways.

I starred wide eyed for a second. I got the fucking job.
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threesome [ˈθriːsəm]
n
1. a group of three
2. (Individual Sports & Recreations) Golf a match in which a single player playing his own ball competes against two others playing alternate strokes on the same ball
3. (Group Games / Games, other than specified) any game, etc., for three people
4. (modifier) performed by three a threesome game