For Reasons Another Never Caused

Suvi's POV
I focused my eyes as Bam opened the door. He stepped in and closed the door behind him. As he approached me, I kept my eyes locked on the floorboard. When his feet entered my sight, I stared at his shoes. He place his hand under my chin and lifted my head to look up at him.
"What's wrong Suvi?" Bam asked. His blues eyes filled with concern.
"Guilt." I said.

**1995**
I sat on the dock as dad helped mom out of the boat. The entire ride from Estonia was miserable. They fought the entire time and it was about dinner and who would make it and then clean up.
"Suvi Käyttää. Hän on 12. Pysäytä kohdella häntä kuin lasta(can do it. She is twelve. Stop treating her like a baby)." My father said angrily.
"Tiedän, että hän ei ole vauva. Mutta hän on lapsi. I ei tee meidän lapselle tehdä päivällinen(I know she isn't a baby. But she is a child. I won't make our young child make dinner)." My mother said calmly. My father walked ahead of us as we went to the parking lot.
"Hän ei koskaan enää täydellinen vaimonsa jos et aloita nyt(She will never be the perfect wife if you don't start now)." My father said once we were in the car. My mother and I stayed quiet as he raged on. "Suvi haluatko mennä naimisiin? Kyllä, on oikea vastaus. Jos hän ei hän on sen verran huora kaduilla. Meidän on oltava tiukkoja hänen kaikilla autioilla Saada hänet kuntoon. Emme aio mennä sotkemaan tätä(Don't you want Suvi to marry? Yes, is the right answer. If she doesn't she will be some prostitute on the streets. We need to be strict on her ass. Get her into shape now. We are not going to mess up on this one)."
"Olette oikeassa hunaja. Pahoittelen langettaa epärehellisille kuljettajille(You are right honey. I'm sorry for disobeying)." My mother said. My father's words stung like a burn. He brought up Preita, my twin sister who died when she was five. She stopped breathing in her sleep and my father blamed my mother.
When we got home, I was sent to my room to practice for my dance recital. From my room, I could hear my parents argue.
"Kaikki, se ei ole kunnossa. Se samalla parlamentin perhe-elämän ja(All this fighting, it isn't healthy. It breaks a family and destroys a house)." I whispered to myself.


**Present Day**
"Suvi, what do you have to be guilty for?" Bam asked sitting next to me. I shook the thoughts as I thought of my twin sister.
"Bam I have a lot to be guilty for." I whispered. He placed his arm over my shoulders.
"You have nothing to be guilty for. If you don't want to talk about it, will you atleast write it for me? I want to help." Bam suggested. I turned to look at him. He looked so concerned. I nodded at him. He smiled at me and before I knew it, I pressed my lips to his. I quickly pulled away and got off the bed.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done." I went into the bathroom and locked the door. "Suvi, mitä te olette tekemässä? Olet menettää jos toimia. Pysäytä se. Älä ole typerä. On typerä. Hän ei kaipaa(Suvi, what are you doing? You're going to lose him if you act this way. Stop it. Don't be stupid. Stop being stupid. He doesn't like you)." I mumbled to myself as Bam knocked on the door.
"Suvi, please let me in." Bam begged.
"Bam, I need to be alone. Please." I said clenching my fists. He sighed and his footsteps slowly left the room. I let out a breath when the door snapped shut. I waited a hour before I left my room and when I did, I went to my ballet studio.
"Can you forgive me again
I don't know what I said
But I didn't mean to hurt you"
I sat down on my ballet bench and put on my pointe shoes as the lyrics flowed from my mouth.
"I heard the words come out
I felt that I would die
It hurts so much to hurt you"
I went to the barre and began to stretch.
"Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd give anything now
To kill those words for you
Each time I say something I regret
I cry I don't want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me, yeah!
'Cause you were made for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me, Oh!
I can't live this life
Without you by my side
I need you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes
And I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry [sorry]
[Ooh I'm sorry]
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you." As the words fell from my mouth like rain, my body moved perfectly. I sat in the center of my studio and I cried.