False Southern Gentility
The opening of the sky...
Christine leaned forward, "Pa," she said as she sat down the small teacup beside her, "No one has dressed me like anything. Please, take a look at me. You see, It's the lovely little frock that you bought for me. Do you remember it? It's sweet blue color? You called it a sky drop." she smiled at the memory.
Andrew shook his head up and down, "Of course I remember the dress." he said as he looked out the window, part of the fog returning to his eyes. Christine held back a sob, "I remember the dress, I had brought it back from town......a few months ago. Sister, I apologize for my outburst." he said as he turned and lifted the table he had overturned.
Christine swallowed and nodded, "Where is Mama at, Pa? She's still back at the plantation isn't she?" she asked as she stood up, smoothed her skirts, and then approached her father hesitantly.
Andrew nodded as he looked down at the floor, the fog covering up his eyes completely. He ran one hand over the other and stumbled back, Christine caught him. "Come Pa, let me have Marcus hitch up the old boy and then take you back home. I'm going to stay with Auntie for a while, enjoy the city." she said as she walked him to the tall black man at the doorway.
Marcus nodded and took Andrew's arm, "Daughter, remember what your mother has taught you. Remember." he said as Marcus closed the door. Christine closed her eyes, fighting back the tears in her eyes.
You haven't cried yet, you're sure as hell not going to start now, her mind screamed at her. "Auntie, do you have a few biscuits around? I am just about wiped out from the trip, all the dust and bumps over those miles of hill country." Christine said as she dabbed her handkerchief on the top of her bosom.
Her aunt threw her hands in the air, "Goodness me, I have been so inconsiderate! You aren't faint are you dear? Good Lord. Oh no, forgive me Lord for I have sinned." she said as she dropped to her knees and crossed herself and began running her hand inside of her pocket, fishing for her Rosary.
Christine rolled her eyes, "Auntie, I don't think that God would really hate you for not crossing yourself after having taking his name in vain." she said as she leaned, very unladylike, against the door-frame. "Besides, Auntie Meredith, prayers don't seem to do much...anymore." she said as her mind began to wander.
Meredith stood, her eyes wide, her hand at her chest, "Watch your words, Niece. God forgives, but he does not forget. How long has it been since you have gone to confession, or said one Hail Mary,?" she asked, her tongue rolling over her teeth inside her mouth.
Christine tapped out a rhythm on her collarbone, "How long has mother been gone? Or perhaps when the Yankees came into the plantation. Who can remember. Anyways, can't we turn the conversation to more chipper thoughts?" he asked with a deep tantalizing smile.
Meredith shook her head and sighed, "You must come to Mass with me this Sunday. You can not miss the chance to go, besides, your mother would like it." her aunt said as she twitched her eyebrow up.
Christine narrowed her eyes. Her mother seemed to be the only soft part of her, the only part that people could seem to manipulate her with, "To be quite honest, Auntie. I don't think that mother would really care how long it had been since I had said one Hail Mary," she lied, "or how long it had been since I had been to Sunday Mass." another lie.
Her aunt shook her head harder, "Fine then, be obstinate." she closed her eyes in silence, "You say one Hail Mary with me, and then I'll leave you be for a while." she said with a smile as deep and cunning as Christine's could be.
Christine looked at the window, "I can't honestly even remember the words to the Hail Mary anymore. Can't you just say it and then I cross myself a few times?" she asked with an upturn of her nose. The look on her Aunt's face gave her the answer.
"I'll begin." she said as she knelt down again, her eyes following Christine, "Come kneel, Christine, you must remember the prayer, at least a part." she said as Christine nodded begrudgingly as she walked to her Aunt's side and knelt uncomfortably.
Christine searched through her memories, turning over every prayer session that she and her family had ever had. There were many, and the prayers always seemed so long. Counting Rosary. No, that's not it, she thought to herself, Hail Mary.
Really, after all these years of just following along with her mothers prayers and trying to ignore the scornful look she would get when she would forget a verse or prayer in full. There, her mind screamed, that's it, start from there!!!
"Hail Mary, full of grace." she repeated slowly, following over the words with laced fingertips. "Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among...um..." she stopped, the prayer falling short.
Her aunt picked up quickly, her mouth moving in perfect rhythm, where Christine's words had been in great lacking from them. "Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths. Amen." then she crossed herself, her hand flowing easily and gracefully.
Christine swallowed, then prepared to stand but a hand on her forearm told her to stay, "Do you remember how to count your Rosary?" her Aunt asked with a sharp smile. Christine shook her head no.
"It's been to long Aunt, and I would rather not be forced into prayer anymore than must be forced today." Christine said as she shook off Meredith's hand and rose to her feet. Meredith looked back down at her Rosary, running her fingers over each set of five and praying quietly to herself.
Christine shook her head, "Aunt," she said as Meredith raised her head and her thoughts from her prayers, "believing in something that doesn't exist is merely a waste of time. Why should you pray to a God that leaves his people stranded. A God that lets his women be raped, his men killed, and his children, his babies, die from starvation and exhaustion." she said coldly.
Meredith drew in a sharp breath, "You mean to tell me, Niece. That you have given up God? That you have forsaken him against all others? The God that has saved you and kept you alive while others, friends, family, mothers and sisters, have perished in this wake!" she said as tears welled in her eyes.
Christine straightened her back and set her eyes ablaze, "This God has done nothing for me! I have kept myself alive, this God, the God that my mother prayed to for years, the God that her last breaths cracked out broken prayers! My mother, your sister, prayed out of her last breath, while we...her husband and her children, begged her to save her breaths for when she needed them the most, she wasted them on a prayer for a useless God! No, Aunt. I have no need for this God, I have no need for anyone anymore." she said as she turned around, her hair falling over her shoulders, her face streaked with tears.
As she entered the guest room up the stairs, she heard the rain falling around her. "So I cry and you make the sky cry with me, aye? Is that the proof that you give me now? You take everything, everyone that I needed away from me, and you try and comfort me by useless rain." she said as she walked to the window, threw the curtains back, and pushed the glass out in-front of her.
She cried, for the first time in years, she cried. She heaved herself forth and threw her fists at the sky, "You betrayed me! I had been told you were a God of vengeance, but what had I done to deserve thy wrath?" she cried as she sat down on the floor, the rain puddling around her, the sky clouding in dark waves in the sky.
She awoke with a start, her body trembling, rain falling heavily outside of the window. Meredith stood at the door, rushed to her with a towel, wrapped it around her shoulders and pulled her away from the sill.
Christine way laid in her bed, her eyes fest foggy as her fathers always seemed to be. Her Aunt brushed her hand over her forehead, her hands could do nothing to bring the pain and rejection from her. She was alone, she knew that for sure, yet the feeling that she was always watched hung heavily on her mind through all of the unnoticed hours of the days and nights.
Andrew shook his head up and down, "Of course I remember the dress." he said as he looked out the window, part of the fog returning to his eyes. Christine held back a sob, "I remember the dress, I had brought it back from town......a few months ago. Sister, I apologize for my outburst." he said as he turned and lifted the table he had overturned.
Christine swallowed and nodded, "Where is Mama at, Pa? She's still back at the plantation isn't she?" she asked as she stood up, smoothed her skirts, and then approached her father hesitantly.
Andrew nodded as he looked down at the floor, the fog covering up his eyes completely. He ran one hand over the other and stumbled back, Christine caught him. "Come Pa, let me have Marcus hitch up the old boy and then take you back home. I'm going to stay with Auntie for a while, enjoy the city." she said as she walked him to the tall black man at the doorway.
Marcus nodded and took Andrew's arm, "Daughter, remember what your mother has taught you. Remember." he said as Marcus closed the door. Christine closed her eyes, fighting back the tears in her eyes.
You haven't cried yet, you're sure as hell not going to start now, her mind screamed at her. "Auntie, do you have a few biscuits around? I am just about wiped out from the trip, all the dust and bumps over those miles of hill country." Christine said as she dabbed her handkerchief on the top of her bosom.
Her aunt threw her hands in the air, "Goodness me, I have been so inconsiderate! You aren't faint are you dear? Good Lord. Oh no, forgive me Lord for I have sinned." she said as she dropped to her knees and crossed herself and began running her hand inside of her pocket, fishing for her Rosary.
Christine rolled her eyes, "Auntie, I don't think that God would really hate you for not crossing yourself after having taking his name in vain." she said as she leaned, very unladylike, against the door-frame. "Besides, Auntie Meredith, prayers don't seem to do much...anymore." she said as her mind began to wander.
Meredith stood, her eyes wide, her hand at her chest, "Watch your words, Niece. God forgives, but he does not forget. How long has it been since you have gone to confession, or said one Hail Mary,?" she asked, her tongue rolling over her teeth inside her mouth.
Christine tapped out a rhythm on her collarbone, "How long has mother been gone? Or perhaps when the Yankees came into the plantation. Who can remember. Anyways, can't we turn the conversation to more chipper thoughts?" he asked with a deep tantalizing smile.
Meredith shook her head and sighed, "You must come to Mass with me this Sunday. You can not miss the chance to go, besides, your mother would like it." her aunt said as she twitched her eyebrow up.
Christine narrowed her eyes. Her mother seemed to be the only soft part of her, the only part that people could seem to manipulate her with, "To be quite honest, Auntie. I don't think that mother would really care how long it had been since I had said one Hail Mary," she lied, "or how long it had been since I had been to Sunday Mass." another lie.
Her aunt shook her head harder, "Fine then, be obstinate." she closed her eyes in silence, "You say one Hail Mary with me, and then I'll leave you be for a while." she said with a smile as deep and cunning as Christine's could be.
Christine looked at the window, "I can't honestly even remember the words to the Hail Mary anymore. Can't you just say it and then I cross myself a few times?" she asked with an upturn of her nose. The look on her Aunt's face gave her the answer.
"I'll begin." she said as she knelt down again, her eyes following Christine, "Come kneel, Christine, you must remember the prayer, at least a part." she said as Christine nodded begrudgingly as she walked to her Aunt's side and knelt uncomfortably.
Christine searched through her memories, turning over every prayer session that she and her family had ever had. There were many, and the prayers always seemed so long. Counting Rosary. No, that's not it, she thought to herself, Hail Mary.
Really, after all these years of just following along with her mothers prayers and trying to ignore the scornful look she would get when she would forget a verse or prayer in full. There, her mind screamed, that's it, start from there!!!
"Hail Mary, full of grace." she repeated slowly, following over the words with laced fingertips. "Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among...um..." she stopped, the prayer falling short.
Her aunt picked up quickly, her mouth moving in perfect rhythm, where Christine's words had been in great lacking from them. "Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths. Amen." then she crossed herself, her hand flowing easily and gracefully.
Christine swallowed, then prepared to stand but a hand on her forearm told her to stay, "Do you remember how to count your Rosary?" her Aunt asked with a sharp smile. Christine shook her head no.
"It's been to long Aunt, and I would rather not be forced into prayer anymore than must be forced today." Christine said as she shook off Meredith's hand and rose to her feet. Meredith looked back down at her Rosary, running her fingers over each set of five and praying quietly to herself.
Christine shook her head, "Aunt," she said as Meredith raised her head and her thoughts from her prayers, "believing in something that doesn't exist is merely a waste of time. Why should you pray to a God that leaves his people stranded. A God that lets his women be raped, his men killed, and his children, his babies, die from starvation and exhaustion." she said coldly.
Meredith drew in a sharp breath, "You mean to tell me, Niece. That you have given up God? That you have forsaken him against all others? The God that has saved you and kept you alive while others, friends, family, mothers and sisters, have perished in this wake!" she said as tears welled in her eyes.
Christine straightened her back and set her eyes ablaze, "This God has done nothing for me! I have kept myself alive, this God, the God that my mother prayed to for years, the God that her last breaths cracked out broken prayers! My mother, your sister, prayed out of her last breath, while we...her husband and her children, begged her to save her breaths for when she needed them the most, she wasted them on a prayer for a useless God! No, Aunt. I have no need for this God, I have no need for anyone anymore." she said as she turned around, her hair falling over her shoulders, her face streaked with tears.
As she entered the guest room up the stairs, she heard the rain falling around her. "So I cry and you make the sky cry with me, aye? Is that the proof that you give me now? You take everything, everyone that I needed away from me, and you try and comfort me by useless rain." she said as she walked to the window, threw the curtains back, and pushed the glass out in-front of her.
She cried, for the first time in years, she cried. She heaved herself forth and threw her fists at the sky, "You betrayed me! I had been told you were a God of vengeance, but what had I done to deserve thy wrath?" she cried as she sat down on the floor, the rain puddling around her, the sky clouding in dark waves in the sky.
She awoke with a start, her body trembling, rain falling heavily outside of the window. Meredith stood at the door, rushed to her with a towel, wrapped it around her shoulders and pulled her away from the sill.
Christine way laid in her bed, her eyes fest foggy as her fathers always seemed to be. Her Aunt brushed her hand over her forehead, her hands could do nothing to bring the pain and rejection from her. She was alone, she knew that for sure, yet the feeling that she was always watched hung heavily on her mind through all of the unnoticed hours of the days and nights.