Twilight Twisted

"So remember, you're my cousin from Delaware. We both moved here together. When we were five you used to love letting worms crawl up your nose," I told Tony, making sure he remembered the story. The others had seen him when he first came of course, but since then he'd been hiding away in the Lair, stuffing hot pockets down his throat.

"I thought it was lady bugs!"

"No, those were your best friends for the first 10 years of your life," I chuckled. "You always were such a lame kid, you know. Luckily I came along and turned you into the not so repulsive person you are today."

"You're my savior. Now let's go so we can finally start mission shape shifter flatulence!" He shouted in a whiny little kid voice.

I nodded my head and we began our walk to the bonfire in front of us. I grinned as I spotted my target for the night, Embry. He was laughing at something the perv Jacob had said. Out of all of the were wolves/ shape shifters/ hermaphrodites, Embry was the only one I actually sort of liked. His gaze met mine, and I smirked. This was going to be epic.

"Kira!" Seth called out as he ran up to me.

"Finally learned my name?" I snorted, rolling my eyes. "Here, fetch." I threw a stick I'd found on the ground and watched with amusement as he actually chased it.

"Is he potty trained? 'Cause these shoes are new," Tony asked cautiously.

"I think so. But I remember him saying something about peeing on his toothbrush..." I chuckled, laughing even harder by the confused look on his face.

"Hey, Kira. Any luck with the whole turning Seth into a bunny thing?" Embry asked after walking toward me.

"I'm working on it. I already found his bunny mate," I grinned.

"Dude, are you constipated or something? Seriously, what's up with your face?" Embry murmured to Tony.

I looked over to see that Tony was giving him his freaky face. Holy shit! Embry wasn't scared of the freaky face!

"I'll be back," He said after he'd heard Jacob calling him.

"You know something I don't get? Why are Jacob, Embry, and Seth already transformed?" Tony questioned with a bewildered face.

"How the fuck should I know?"

"Don't get your boxers in a knot, cranky pants," he glared. Just to be clear, I DO NOT wear boxers. Except for on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Shut up. It's not like they're Tony's boxers or anything. Most of the time.

I was in the process of slapping my hand to my face as Tony did some kind of weird Swedish dance when I saw her. Ms. Pucker lips. She was standing next to Jacob with the same kind of face she had around me. It seemed that thankfully she had moved on.

"It looks like you're finally gonna get to meet stupid Bella," I mumbled.

"Yay! I finally get to meet my least favorite character so I can shove a pie in her face! I've always wanted to shove a pie at someone, now is my chance. This is perfect!" He squealed jumping up and down excitedly. There were too many things wrong with Tony for me to even begin to count.

"Where did you get that?" I groaned as he pulled a giant pie from seemingly nowhere. What was this, Toon Town? He must have had it stashed up his butt.

"Prepare for take off," he grinned evilly, tossing the pie up into the sky toward his target. It approached Bella, but it was Embry's face that all of its juicy goodness splattered upon. Where did he learn to throw, summer camp?

Embry's eyes widened and his body started trembling like a vicious hyena. Or a constipated orangutan. Take your pick.

"What the fuck!?!?!" He roared out in a voice that sounded suspiciously like a sequence of burps. His head snapped towards Tony and he began mercilessly running in our direction. It was pretty disgusting. His muscles were flabbing everywhere and there seemed to be a little too much junk in his trunk if you know what I'm sayin'.

Just before he reached us, Gerbil hopped out of my bag and plopped into the sand in front of me. I let out a cry of desperation that quickly turned into a smirk when I saw Embry trembling in fear. If you didn't believe how bad ass Gerbil was, there's no way you could deny it now. I've got to get him some sunglasses that he can wear at night. That would rule.

I wear my sunglasses at night (Sorry, getting distracted here. Blame your mom.)

Embry was then tackled by Seth, thankfully. They turned into their wolf form and began their attack. There was total chaos in front of Tony and me, and I wasn't in the mood for wolf style MMA at that moment, which was really unusual for me. Tony was just standing there with a look on his face that was a mix of amazement and nausea.

"Wanna go get some ice cream?" I whispered to him.

"Hell yes!" He did some kind of weird karate move.

We turned our heads away from the very ugly scene in front of us and made our way off of the wolf poo infested beach. I bet Stephenie didn't mention their bladder control problem, right? For once, I don't blame her.

Just as we were walking off of the beach, a deep voice was heard that could only belong to another one of them, or Napoleon Dynamite. 'Cause Napoleon's voice is just sexy like that. "Those steroids really make them moody, don't they?" The voice said. Nah, the dude didn't talk rad enough to be Napoleon. Must have been one of the pack members.

We walked a while further before Tony gasped. "Mystery solved! They must have transformed so early because of the steroids! I'm such a genius."

"I wonder what would happen if Gerbil took some," I pondered as we entered the place where our ice cream would be purchased. I decided it wasn't a good idea as the loud grunts and moans coming all the way from the beach filled my ears. Were the people here that fucking deaf, or were they just perverted and assumed the noise was from something else? This may be one of the questions of life that will never be answered.

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The next moanin'

"Kira, get up here, quick," Tony shouted in the middle of singing some kind of song about tooth decay.

"Did you set the toilet on fire again? I've told you a million times, toilet cleaner is flammable!
I groaned. I began loudly stomping through the layer and went out through the secret passage way.

"You set the toilet on fire?" Jacob asked Tony once I'd come up and seen him in our door way. Damn it. I hate it when pervs stand in my door way.

"You want something?" I put my hands on my hips, more than slightly irritated.

"Sam wants to send his apologies for the what happened at the bonfire. He'd like to invite you to his house for breakfast tomorrow," he read off of a cue card. Great, not only was he a pervert, he was a fucking idiot as well.

"You guys definitely aren't forgiven. As to the breakfast, we'll be there," I high fived Tony, while discreetly flipping off Jacob with my other hand. My therapist says I should be more sensitive to other peoples feelings. Pssssh.

"Alright. I'll tell Sam," he said. No one was saying anything, but he was still awkwardly standing there. Not only that, he seemed extremely tense and his eyes kept glancing at Gerbil untrustingly.

"You've got to be kidding me," I mumbled.

"It's actually entertaining. It's like watching an elephant and a mouse," Tony whispered to me. Jacob glared in our direction, apparently unable to face the truth.

"Leave already, idiot!" I screamed shutting the door in his face. Then he let out the creepiest growl I've ever heard. Creepier than your mom's. RAWR.

"This is going to be a wonderful opportunity for our mission shape shifter flatulence," I told Gerbil, who happened to be wearing totally bad ass sunglasses. Oooooh yeah.