The New Year

“I don't like this, and I think this is a bad idea”, Alex whispered as he parked his car in the lot and pulled the key out of the ignition. “When something goes wrong, and by the looks of your previous conversations...” My eyes, set to a glare, locked onto Alex. Noticing me, his body sunk down in the leather seat it was place in. “I will be there if you need a shoulder to cry on, of course” Smiling, he leaned over and placed a kiss on my forehead. Brushing some hair from my face, he quickly exited the car, grabbed his hockey bag from the trunk and opened my door before I could gather all of my things.

Nodding a thank you, I shut the door, slipped the 'Bourdon' jersey over my head and followed Alex through the small lot filled with black, silver, and white shimmering expensive luxury cars. When Luc had just started with the team, he brought me along to meet the guys. The first two I met were Alex Burrows and Ryan Kesler. It was in the parking lot, the sun was setting and when Luc pulled up both men were leaning against their cars in suits. If I wasn't aware that they were hockey players, I would have thought we walked onto photo shoot.

When Luc parked his old blue mustang next to them, I couldn't help but feel out of place. Here we were, two small town kids from Shippagan, New Brunswick sitting in the parking lot of the arena of the Vancouver Canucks with two of their biggest named stars leaning on their luxury cars, while we pull up in an old, blue, mustang.

Getting out of the car took most of my energy and courage, my nerves were on edge, I was just about to hit the nervousness where you start shaking, but right as that was about to hit, I was taken into a huge hug by Ryan Kesler. As he picked me off the ground and twirled me in a circle, he gave me a kiss on both cheeks, set me down, and informed me that if I was Luc's sister, I was his.

Alex was a little less forward than Ryan. He drew back from the conversation and gave off more of the asshole vibe, the one that I was expecting from them. When he would speak to Luc, it would sound like they have known each other since birth, but when he glanced over at me, it was like I was a little rescued animal.

That was the first meeting, talking for an hour in the parking lot and then heading home, the next few meetings went even better. Day after day Luc would bring me around the guys, and each day all of them would feel more like my family, and each day Alex would slowly warm up to me. When the season had officially started and Luc was getting toyed between the NHL and AHL, Alex and I were nearly inseparable.

“Abby!” Gasping, my eyes jerked up to the tall brunette standing next to me. When his eyes met mine, I took a step away from him and drew in air until my lungs were filled to capacity. “This is what makes me think this is a bad idea.” He sighed and then went on speaking, keeping those brown eyes locked onto mine. I tried to avoid his gaze as much as possible.

“You look fantastic, you really do, but I'm worried about you. I don't want to have to hold you later on, I don't want to see you cry over him, you don't deserve what he puts you through, and you know it”, his brown eyes never left mine, and as he finished, I looked back up at him and gave him a weak smile.

All I could do in response was nod. Speaking would throw off my voice and allow the small burn in the bottom of my throat to spread until I was tearing up like usual, and that would ruin all of the make-up I worked so hard on. When I do make-up, which is very rare, I tend to go all out and it was usually times when I knew I wouldn't cry. Today, I really wasn't sure.

Alex and I walked together in silence until we reached the Vancouver Locker room. A low hum of voices poured from the small crack under the door making me feel like I should be in there helping the guys get their equipment together and cracking jokes about each other, but that wasn't today. Instead, I had to venture to the other end of the hallway, the colder end it seemed.

“Listen a minute Abby”, Alex spoke sternly as he set his bag down in front of the locker room door and placed his larger hands around mine. “I'm going to be worried about you tonight. Even if you text me and say everything is fine, I won't believe it. Through the game, even when I am on the ice, I want you to text me, alright?” Looking down, I sighed heavily and bit down on my bottom lip in an attempt to suppress a smile. When Alex promised he would be my protector, not an older brother, but something like it, he was right. He says the exact same things as Luc would say.

My stomach rumbled and within seconds of that thought, I felt queasy. Holding the feeling back from Alex, my eyes darted to his and I pushed a smile onto my face. “I will be perfectly fine Alex.”

“I won't have to bring you home, carry you into the apartment, get you a new box of tissues, a gallon of vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles, and sit with you as you eat and cry your way through the Tigger Movie?” Glaring at him again, I pushed his shoulder and watched as that familiar cocky grin broke out onto his face. Angry smile surfacing on my lips, Alex laughed pulled me into a tight hug, pressed his lips to my cheek, and then took a deep breath.

As he picked up his bag, he warned me again to be careful, and then slipped into the locker room. Alone in the hallway, looking toward the direction I needed to head, my legs started to shake. I hadn't seen Kristopher Letang in person since the funeral. Sure, I had seen him on the television skating around on the ice, and several times his face had popped up on my computer, but none of that compares to having him right in front of me, being able to read my every emotion.

With a shaky inhale, my legs started to move my body down the hallway. Step after step, I felt my stomach flip and flop inside of me. The sickness that was creeping through my veins was getting stronger, and eventually I would just collapse. Imagine what Alex would say about that. Instead of everything he thought would happen and was worried about, I end up passing out on this cold cement floor.

“I will be absolutely fine”, I whispered softly into the air as I filled my lungs to capacity yet again. Puffing out my chest, I held my breath for a moment, shutting me eyes, and as I let it out and opened my eyes, the low murmur of voices started to fill my head.

The locker room was maybe three or so yards in front of me. The large doors at the end of the hall mocked me, staring back at me with the hollow look I was giving it. Footsteps echoing through my head I kept my eyes locked on the doors. Step after step, I felt my chest start to tighten. Every muscle in my body was stiff, and as I stopped with maybe two feet left between the doors and I, my limbs entered a shake I had never witnessed before.

Clamping a hand over my mouth, I shut my eyes tightly and took in a deep breath. “Stop it, Abby”, anger was laced into the soft whisper leaving my lips. I had been through worse things that this. I had sat through agonizing family holidays, awkward meetings, and my own best friend and brothers funeral. This was nothing.

“Yeah, I don't know, maybe I dropped it in the hallway!” A mans voice called as one of the door started to creek open. Eyes growing to the size of hockey pucks, my body stumbled back, tripping over my feet sending me right to the floor. Staring at the two things that had failed me, I listened as the door shut and a small gasp filled the hallway.

“I shouldn't be helping you up since you're wearing that, but I can't deny that face”, the man chuckled and before I could push myself back and run back to the Canucks locker room where I could hide in Alex's chest, he crouched down and forced his eyes onto mine.

Clearing my throat, I took a deep breath and actually looked at the man standing in front of me. Staring into those brown eyes, my heart pounded against my chest and before I could manage to blurt anything out, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto my feet with ease.

Smirking, he leaned against the wall next to us and ran a hand through his brown hair. “Max Talbot, and you?” The flirtatious grin on his face momentarily eased the pain and sickness running through my veins, so instead of jumping back into that feeling, I smiled back at Max and sucked in a deep breath.

“Abby, very nice to meet you.”

“I think the pleasure might be all mine”, his eyes traced over me, slowly, and as a blush crept onto my cheeks, his smirk widened. “What name do you have on that jersey anyway?” Mouth parted to answer, my throat went dry and I couldn't speak, all I could do was think of the person that used to wear this jersey.

Chuckling, Max took my hand and twisted it to the right. As soon as his bright brown eyes caught a glimpse of the '28' on my sleeve, he dropped my hand and looked at me, his eyes drowning in shock. Frozen, he looked at me, mouth slightly parted, eyes wide.

Shaking his head, he took a step back from me. “You're that Abby. Abby Bourdon”, his voice ended in a whisper.

“Yeah, I am”, my throat was burning, my vision was starting to get blurry, and as I thought about what he said, and the shock on his face, I felt all of the blood rush to my head.

Putting up his finger, Max took another step back and nodded his head extending his arm to make me see the finger he was holding up, telling me to stay there, and wait one minute. Wait during that one minute as he runs into the locker room, right up to Kris Letang, and informs him that his best friends sister was outside of the locker room.

For a few seconds, I wanted to drop dead. Not only would I miss Kris' reaction to me showing up out of the blue, but Alex would not have to deal with me anymore. He says he doesn't mind, he says I am like his baby sister, but even in that case, being with me for so long has to get on the nerves eventually. His life would be easier without me, anyway.

Blinking hard, thinking of what I had just thought, a small droplet of water fell from my eye and started to roll down my cheek. Thinking like this was only going to make more thoughts form, and those thoughts were not going to be acceptable. I've had them before, sitting alone in my brothers empty room, and when I saw my family so worried about me, I couldn't imagine doing that to them again. They didn't deserve anymore pain.

A loud thud echoed through the hallway knocking me out of my thoughts. Blinking a few times, I lifted my head up just in time to catch a flash of shaggy brown hair, and then a pair of strong arms were fastened around my waist, pulling my small frame against the owners larger more muscular one.

“I cannot believe it is you”, the voice tickled my ears. If I did not have those previous thoughts haunting me, a smile would have lit up on my face just like it always sued to. “I... Abby I can't believe it”, he whispered and held me tightly against him, keeping his chin on my shoulder.

After a nod, I sucked in a deep breath and put my arms around him, tilting my head to the side so it was rested against his. When I inhaled his scent, my body relaxed completely and I shut my eyes as I felt Kris readjust his arms around me and turn his head so his breath was beating against my neck.

We stood in silence for what felt like hours. I didn't mind of course, as long as he was okay being back here, I was okay too. “Abby, I... Sorry I like... Attacked you.” He pulled away from the hug and held me out in front of him, his hands lightly holding my wrists. “I just can't believe-” his words stopped abruptly as his eyes drifted up my arms until they rested on the sown in '28' on my sleeve. When his huge brown eyes rose to meet mine, I bit down on my bottom lip and watched as a sheet of glass quickly coated his eyes.

“It was his old jersey”, I whispered. Kris' eyes stayed on mine. “The one he wore a few times up here. I have the other three framed.. I-” My voice gave out and as I stood there, eyes glassy, mouth hanging open, Kris took a step toward me, and blinked letting a few tears roll down from his eyes.

Taking a shaky breath, Kris reached up and placed his hand on my face. Rubbing his thumb in a small circle, he looked back down at the jersey, then drifted his eyes up to me, blinked, and began to quietly cry. “I'm so sorry Abby”, his voice, broken and sad, hit me like a train, sending me back to that week after we lost him, back to all of those phone calls. Lip quivering, I pulled Kris into a hug and pressed my face into his shoulder, holding onto him for dear life. “I should have never done that to you Abby. I was horrible. Just, I didn't know what to do. I missed him so much, I wanted to forget him, I wanted to just lose it.” Nodding, Kris held me tightly against him and shook his head. “I don't deserve to be withing a mile of you. Luc would have killed me, he's probably so disappointed in me. I abandoned you Abby, I let you and him down”

“Kris, shut up”, I whimpered as the urgency and anger in his voice started to grow. The pure anger that was boiling inside of him was something I never experienced before. “I would have done the same thing, Kris.”

“You hung up on me, you hate me, Abby. You should hate me.”

“I hung up on you because I couldn't stand saying goodbye to you. If I hated you, I wouldn't be here right now.” My voice slowly faded into the silence of the hallway. Although silence between two people was usually something that bothered me, I couldn't ask for anything more at the moment. I didn't want to speak with Kris, I didn't know what to say. All I wanted him to know was that I was here for him, and got that point across.

After standing there for a little while longer, a small creak sounded. Eyes opening, I looked up to see a few unfamiliar faces peeking out from the locker room door. One I recognized as the boy, Max, from before, and another I recognized as Sidney Crosby. “I miss him so much, Abby”, Kris wept as he picked his face out of my shoulder and looked at me. His cheeks were glistening in the dim light of the hallway, and within the two seconds I was looking at him hundreds of tears seemed to pour from his eyes.

“I miss him too, Kris. I know exactly how you feel.”

We stood in each others arms for a few more minutes. Then, my phone started to go off from my back pocket. “Answer it”, Kris whispered as he hung his head down, his hair shielding his face and wiped away all of the dried tears from his face. Staring at him, I grabbed my phone, noticed it was Alex and pressed the side bar to silence it. Once the call was over, I looked up at Kris and gave him a small smile through my tears.

Kissing his cheek, I pulled away and watched his gloomy eyes rise to mine. “You need to go get ready for the game, Alright?” When he nodded I gave him a small smile and watched him just stare back at me with those huge empty brown eyes.

“I want to see you after the game.” He stated and just kept staring at me, his eyes begging me to say yes. “Please, Abigail, please.”

“Sure Kris, I'll see you after the game, alright?” I whispered and walked up to him, more tears starting to fall from my eyes at the sight of those beautiful brown eyes so sad. With a nod, he leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, almost on the corner of my lips, then pulled me into a hug, stepped away, ran a hand through his hair and looked me right in the eyes.

With a small 'thank you', he turned his back to me and walked back into the locker room. For a few seconds, standing there, dumbstruck, I was angry; How could he just leave again? But as I realized he had to go get ready for the game and was just listening to what I told him, I calmed down and quickly started making my way back to the Vancouver locker room. I had my tickets, and I knew where to go, but I felt like I needed to check in with Alex.

Heading back to the locker room, I took a deep breath and finally realized how fast my heart was beating. Placing my hand over my chest, I took a deep breath and felt my skin grow warm. Placing my hand on my face, I took a deep breath and looked down at my feet slowly dragging themselves down the hallway.

Maybe Luc was right about Kris. I wish I could tell him, he always loved when he was right.

“Are you happy Luc?” I whispered in the softest voice I had. Glancing down at my sleeves, I felt a few hot tears slide down my face. “You were right Luc, and I was wrong; about Kris. I just wish I could tell you this to your face. I wish I could hear you laugh at me and nag me about how you were always right. I wish you were playing tonight Luc, I wish you were wearing this instead of me.”

Once my little conversation was over, I looked up and caught a glimpse of one of the Canucks. They looked at me quickly, then turned away, and in the small glimpse I caught of him, he looked like Luc. Heart shattering, I put my hand to my mouth, and just as I heard someone call my name, I turned my back to the line of men and started to run down the hallway. I couldn't do this tonight. This was all too much. Alex was right, this was a horrible idea.

“Abby! Abigail Elizabeth Bourdon!” Alex screamed and after a few more seconds of my running, I was tackled into the wall and then pinned against it.

“I need to go home Alex, please”, I begged through my hysterical tears. “Say it, say you were right, I don't care, I just need to get out of this place, please”, I breathed and as I looked down, biting my lip as a whole new round of tears came down my face, Alex let go of me and nodded, a frown on his face.

Leaving me for a moment, he came back with the keys to his car. “I'll get a ride home from Ryan. Be careful, and please just text me when you get home.” With a small nod, I gave Alex a hug, kissed his cheek, wished him good luck during the game, and then ran full speed down the hallway, tears flying off of my face until I hit the cold metal door and entered the parking lot. Limbs shaking, I ran through aisle of cars until I reached Alex's car.

Fumbling with the keys, I hit the unlock button, swung the drivers door open, sat in the drivers seat, slammed the door shut, put my forehead on the wheel, and cried. Cried for my brother, cried for what I put Alex through, cried for how bad Kris still hurt, and cried for myself, how pathetic I was that after all of this time, I still couldn't stand the fact that I had lost my older brother, my best friend.