Sequel: Disoriented Youth ›
Status: Complete
I'm Obsessed With Serial Killers
Banishment
It seems like lately I haven’t had much of an appetite for my usual habits. I’ve been going to work more than usual but it’s all so mechanical.
“I’m proud of you. Don’t worry, you can be strong. We’re here to support you all the way.”
They weren’t meanings anymore, they were mechanical words.
I think Lily is avoiding me. I guess it wouldn’t make sense, she doesn’t go out of her way not to talk to me or anything; it’s just that she hasn’t acknowledged me lately. I feel like she doesn’t want anything to do with me much anymore. I might have brought that upon myself by being so strange, but I don’t like to focus on that. The only thing I can focus on is making myself more appealing to her, so that maybe she’ll spare me a glance now and then.
I know I’m not attractive to her standards, I know I’m creepy and I can be intimidating and awkward. That sentence right there proves my point, I think. I have to have some redeeming factor, though, I feel like Lily and I always made a great pair. Maybe it was too one-sided and that’s why she left, I guess I like her too much and she got uncomfortable.
I suppose that case wouldn’t be my fault, but I blame myself anyway. A lot of times I want to write her a letter, but the one thing I did send her never saw the light of day, so I don’t think pursuing it would be the best idea. It’s a strange spot to be, feeling like you lost yourself because all you care about is the attention of someone who ignores you regardless. I guess this means I never found myself to begin with.
I’m so lethargic over this that I fell back into self-harm. I guess it’s sort of a serial killer hiatus. The compulsions that once taunted me seem to have faded, I can lick the blood from my own cuts and it satisfies what little hunger I have.
To be honest, I’m starving, but I’m afraid of eating. I grew aware of the weight I’ve been gaining from eating meat (if you catch my drift) and this makes me really self-conscious. Dysphoria follows me everywhere, I feel like I’m stuck in a hideous body. I need change. I hate myself because I can’t starve myself efficiently enough.
My existential angst has died in maturity with Lily being gone. I still worry about classic problems of existence and its reason and functions. I guess it just changed, I’ve accepted that I exist and this is where I question why my existence is so lonely and unfulfilling.
I’m not happy.
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I was watching some logs float down the river the other day, their buoyant bodies signifying the death of the trees they came off of. Each log was another murder, another dead body left to the forces of nature, it’s all a cycle.
Maybe that’s why I don’t question it so much anymore.
“I’m proud of you. Don’t worry, you can be strong. We’re here to support you all the way.”
They weren’t meanings anymore, they were mechanical words.
I think Lily is avoiding me. I guess it wouldn’t make sense, she doesn’t go out of her way not to talk to me or anything; it’s just that she hasn’t acknowledged me lately. I feel like she doesn’t want anything to do with me much anymore. I might have brought that upon myself by being so strange, but I don’t like to focus on that. The only thing I can focus on is making myself more appealing to her, so that maybe she’ll spare me a glance now and then.
I know I’m not attractive to her standards, I know I’m creepy and I can be intimidating and awkward. That sentence right there proves my point, I think. I have to have some redeeming factor, though, I feel like Lily and I always made a great pair. Maybe it was too one-sided and that’s why she left, I guess I like her too much and she got uncomfortable.
I suppose that case wouldn’t be my fault, but I blame myself anyway. A lot of times I want to write her a letter, but the one thing I did send her never saw the light of day, so I don’t think pursuing it would be the best idea. It’s a strange spot to be, feeling like you lost yourself because all you care about is the attention of someone who ignores you regardless. I guess this means I never found myself to begin with.
I’m so lethargic over this that I fell back into self-harm. I guess it’s sort of a serial killer hiatus. The compulsions that once taunted me seem to have faded, I can lick the blood from my own cuts and it satisfies what little hunger I have.
To be honest, I’m starving, but I’m afraid of eating. I grew aware of the weight I’ve been gaining from eating meat (if you catch my drift) and this makes me really self-conscious. Dysphoria follows me everywhere, I feel like I’m stuck in a hideous body. I need change. I hate myself because I can’t starve myself efficiently enough.
My existential angst has died in maturity with Lily being gone. I still worry about classic problems of existence and its reason and functions. I guess it just changed, I’ve accepted that I exist and this is where I question why my existence is so lonely and unfulfilling.
I’m not happy.
------------------------
I was watching some logs float down the river the other day, their buoyant bodies signifying the death of the trees they came off of. Each log was another murder, another dead body left to the forces of nature, it’s all a cycle.
Maybe that’s why I don’t question it so much anymore.
♠ ♠ ♠
I hope this isn't disconnected. Nyxon's hiatus is kind of like my own.This chapter is really personal, both to me and the character. I feel it might change the direction of the story a bit, but you'll just have to stick with me to find that out.
I will finish it, I promise.
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