I'm Obsessed With Serial Killers

When society looks at people like me, they generally have one universal response: That thing isn't human.
And maybe I'm not. Human, that is. Perhaps I am just a monster, lost in the society where nobody understands that monsters are really just like them...
I just want happiness and self-satisfaction... I guess I just find that in bloodlust. It's like feeding the hunger that's inside everyone. For most people, it's a simple hunger. Sexual activity, sugar, or just really good music. It's just bigger than that for me. Because I want to be the one in control while everyone else spirals into chaos. I won't settle for simplicity.
The only hard part is keeping it all inside.

Sometimes I get so on edge, itching to find someone I can reach out to. Someone who really knows me. Sometimes I used to think that someone could be Lily.

The day after I killed that woman started out the same as any other day... Well. Almost. I had a difficult time figuring out how to hide the meat I had saved from her body, but, after finding a good stash in my refrigerator, I think the day went alright.
I sat around the house, watched a movie about Jeffrey Dahmer; I'm really starting to identify with him, in ways. Not entirely.. but I understand him. I don't understand how people can call him a monster. He's the most human figure I've ever taken an interest in... So that's why things have been confusing me so much lately.

I hung out with Liliana the next day, again. I've been noticing more and more that I'm always with her, it's like the inevitable bond full of secrets we have no idea we're keeping from eachother. Though, it's for good reason.
We're a lot alike, the two of us. The killer and the anorexic, they're both obsessive, addicting, self-destroying... We're both sick. It's just that she needs help. I need the electric chair. Society is so fair, isn't it?
But it's inevitable. Over dinner, I mentioned to Lily that I've been reading about Dahmer a lot, that I find him fascinating. What does she do?
"Nyx, you can't just go around talking about this. What if someone overheard you through the wall? Do you know what could happen to you? What if they find out you're crazy? Normal people don't take this stuff lightly, you know. They'll lock you up. They'll find a way to declare you insane. They'll track you down and they'll find ways to keep you locked away." She bit her lip, holding back tears.
"Nyxon, I don't want to lose you... Don't tell me you're going to turn out like him, please... You know that these people are monsters, right? You're not worshipping them for being cold-blooded murderers, are you?? You can't let people even think that... You'll never be allowed anywhere. You'll never find a life. You'll lose what little you have right now... Nyxon you just can't. Please. Stop while you're still sane. I've seen what these obsessions do. Don't turn into another sociopath..."
She wasn't just tearing up. She was sobbing uncontrollably. I didn't know what I did. I couldn't connect with it, I had no idea what to do... Just sit there stone cold. But then she'd know. She'd figure out she's already lost me. I had to fake something, I just didn't know what...
So I hugged her. Wrapped my arms around her fragile skeleton. "... Lily... I'll be alright. I promise. Just... I won't let myself fall off the edge if you don't, either." I looked in her eyes. "Your obsession with food... It can consume you just as much as a killers obsession with bloodlust. The only real difference is that the one you're killing is yourself." I bit my lip. "I can't lose you, either."
Nothing else was said. She just sat there, in my arms, for hours that felt like days... I know it was an emotional breakthrough for her, but I just felt nothing. I became hungry, and that was my one consuming thought.
I guess this is where they get the notion that people like me aren't human, we let our primal instincts override emotion, we've regressed to the very basic roots of an animal. Is that really so bad, though? We all strive for pleasure, when it comes down to it.

I learned something from this, though... Something I'll have to keep in mind, especially when my dumped body is found and the chase begins.
You can't trust anyone when you're a monster. Not even another monster. Because you'll lose them one way or another. We're all selfish, after all, and those who don't run for their lives will kill you for them. A lot of us already do.