No Soul

“Toys!” Noah screamed before running off into the store, sending Sidney’s mind into a panic as he scooped Emma up onto his hip and chased after the three-year-old who was thrilled to be in the giant FAO Schwartz.

“Noah!” Sidney called, “Noah! Come here!” He insisted, cringing at the way he sounded as he yelled for his son. “Noah, come here!” He repeated as Noah tossed himself into a bin of stuffed animal sharks. “Hey.” He wrapped an arm around Noah’s tiny waist, lifting him out of the bin and placing him down back on his feet. “No running away like that, hear me? It’s not safe and you could get lost.” Sidney insisted, straightening out the collar of Noah’s tiny mint-green polo. “Okay?” He asked, waiting for a confirmation.

“Okay.” Noah shrugged as Emma wiggled down to her feet, taking her small hand in his.

“Now, we each get to pick something out for baby Arianna.” He informed. “Do you know what you want to get her?” He asked, smoothing Emma’s hair down and remembering that he had made a haircut appointment for her later the next day.

“A teddy!” Emma smiled as Noah swung their intertwined hands back and forth between them.

“Alright, a teddy bear.” Sidney nodded, taking Emma’s hand and leading them both down to the next aisle over that was dedicated solely to teddies. “Pick one out for the baby.” He insisted, watching as she curiously stepped forward and scanned the aisles.

“Babies like teddies?” Noah asked, looking up at his father as an especially long curl flopped into his eyes.

“I think so.” Sidney nodded.

“I will get a teddy, too.” Noah decided, following his sister as they each picked one out for Arianna. She had been born yesterday evening at seven-fifteen weighing in at eight pounds, three ounces and with soft, dark tufts of hair. Sidney was taking the twins to meet her today and also bring some lunch to Kris who had yet to leave the hospital. He had his digital camera charged and ready to go just in case.

“Daddy! I can’t reach!” Emma called from a few feet away, jumping up and down with one of her arms stretched up towards the top shelf.

“Which one, baby girl?” Sidney asked, eye-level with the shelf she was hopping for. He scooped her up onto his waist and she plucked a winner. It was a soft pink teddy bear with a small bow around it’s neck and a fabric nose and eyes. “This one’s perfect!” Sidney smiled, pressing a kiss down to Emma’s head. “How about you, bud?” Sidney asked, looking down at Noah and resting his big hand on top of his son’s head.

“Huh?” Noah asked, looking up at his Dad.

“Did you find a winner?” He asked, as Noah tucked his hand into Sidney’s.

“It has to be a bear?” He asked while Emma stuck her thumb in her mouth and cuddled up to the bear in her arms.

“Nope, it can be anything you want.” Sidney insisted. Noah ran to the other side of the aisle and picked up a stuffed dinosaur.

“Rawr!” He held it up over his head.

“That’s it?” Sidney asked, suppressing a laugh. Noah nodded and handed the dino to his Dad. “Alright then.” Sidney shook his head. “Hey now, no more of that.” He said, noticing the thumb in Emma’s mouth. She simply looked at him with a blank stare before resting her head down on his shoulder. He’d have to deal with it later. “Okay, let’s go check out.” Sidney sighed, taking Noah’s hand after tucking the dinosaur under his arm and leading them to a cashier. Getting out of the store was painless, but Emma didn’t quite understand that the teddy bear was for the new baby and not for her. Sidney struggled to remove the bear from Emma’s arms and promised her that she could get her own bear after they went and visited the Letang family.

Sticking the stuffed animals into small gift bags in the trunk of the car, the twins were soon strapped into their seats and they were on their way to pick up something for lunch. The drive-thru at McDonald’s would have to do for now.

McDonald’s was reserved for very limited occasions in Sidney’s life, maybe once or twice in an entire year, but as soon as he pulled up to the menu, the twins knew the golden arches right away.

“Happy Meal!” They shouted simultaneously.

“Cheeseburger or nuggets?” Sidney asked, looking back at them in his rearview mirror.

“Nuggets!” Emma smiled, kicking her feet excitedly.

“I wanna cheesburger!” Noah shouted, making Sidney wince at the full volume.

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Sidney nodded, rolling down the window. Not twenty minutes later was he balancing bags of burgers and stuffed animals in his arms while holding onto Noah and Emma’s hands, leading them up to Brianna’s room in the maternity ward. “Okay, so what are we going to be when we see the baby?” Sidney asked.

“Quiet!” Noah shouted as Emma held a finger up to her tiny lips.

“Yes, quiet.” Sidney whispered, making Emma giggle. “Knock knock.” He verbalized, knocking on the door of the room Brianna had been assigned post-labor. A few moments later, a bright-eyed Kris opened the door and greeted his friend with a hug before sweeping Emma up into his arms and carrying her into the room.

“Hi Kris.” Emma whispered with a wide grin.

“Hello there, ma petite.” Kris smiled, kissing the top of her head. “Come on in, there’s a sofa and a table that they can eat at.” Kris insisted, ushering to the side of the room.

“Hi Brianna.” Emma blushed with a smile, hiding her face in Kris’ shoulder.

“Hi honey.” Brianna gave the little girl a tired smile. Noah scurried over to the bed and looked up at Brianna curiously.

“Where your baby?” He asked, taking note of her deflated belly.

“Let’s get situated first, Noah.” Sidney insisted, sitting his son down on the sofa as Kris placed Emma next to him. “I got lots to eat as per your request.” Sidney smiled, leaning over Brianna’s bed and kissing her cheek. “How do you feel?” He asked, taking a seat beside her bed as Kris pulled the twins’ meals out of their happy meal bags. Sidney set Brianna’s lunch down on the tray table that folded over her bed and she whimpered in excitement as she tore into the first burger.

“Thank you so much, Sid.” She smiled appreciatively, reaching for the French fries.

“Any time.” Sidney smiled, wiping Emma’s chin as a drip of sweet and sour sauce caught on her chin. After the children were fed, they were a little more relaxed and Kris disappeared to the other side of the suite to roll over the small carrier that held Ms. Arianna Letang.

“Oh! Baby!” Noah said excitedly but quietly, standing up on the couch to get a closer look at the pink bundle in Kris’ arms. Kris sat down on the sofa between the twins; Sidney took out his camera and took a few photos of the kids leaning in on either side to get a closer look.

“She’s small.” Emma said softly. “I get her a teddy.” She added. Noah simply looked down at the baby with the button nose, kaleidoscope green-blue eyes and tufts of dark brown hair. Kris watched as the little boy reached cautiously over to stroke Arianna’s hair.

“Hi baby.” He smiled, making a big grin spread across Sidney’s face, snapping more photos. “You pretty.” He spoke to Arianna who looked up at the faces before her face scrunched up for just a moment.

“Oh, tu es si mignon mon bébé.” Kris smiled, leaning down to kiss Arianna’s forehead gently. “Vous êtes parfait ma petite princesse.” He cooed. Sidney choked back a laugh as Noah mimicked Kris’ actions and ducked his head down to kiss the baby’s forehead himself. Sidney was glad to catch it on his camera before Emma burst into giggles beside Kris.

“Better watch out, Daddy.” Brianna warned with a joke. “Looks like someone has a crush.” She added. Kris simply shook his head before ruffling Noah’s hair as the door to the suite opened.

“Uncle Max!” Emma wiggled down from the couch, running towards the door. Max easily caught her up in his arms and pressed kisses all over her face. He brought in bags and bags of gifts and a big balloon arrangement.

“Est-ce la petite princesse?” Max asked, carrying Emma on his hip over to the couch. “Come to Uncle Max, ma petite fille.” Kris carefully placed Arianna in Max’s arms as he cooed to the little baby in hushed French.

Arianna was back in her crib a few minutes later, sleepy and full of yawns as Brianna received her gifts from Sidney and Max.

“Oh, very nice.” Brianna smiled at the stuffed dinosaur from Noah, but the little boy was too busy looking at the baby to hear her compliment. “And a teddy from Emma.” She laughed. “Oh Sid, you know you didn’t have to bring anything.” Brianna smiled softly. “Oh, this is perfect.” She smiled, opening the small turquoise bag to reveal a silver nook with the Penguins logo etched in. “Gorgeous.” She smiled as she stretched an arm up for a small hug.

It wasn’t long until Arianna was awake again and fussing for attention.

“Sid, go pick her up.” Kris nodded in Sidney’s direction as the new father held Noah in his lap and listened to him gab about the dinosaur he brought. Emma was lying in Max’s embrace as he let her stroke his beard and began to tell her stories. Sidney shifted anxiously from one foot to the other, walking over to the baby’s little holder before reaching down. She was tiny compared to his hands and for a moment panicked at the idea of dropping her or holding her too tightly. When he gently clasped her body in his hands and cradled her to his chest, he could feel his heart accelerating in his chest. She was so tiny and warm and so ungodly breakable.

Looking down at her, he could see a lot of Kris in her face but Brianna in her eyes. The small tufts of dark hair that escaped from her pink knitted beanie made him smile as she stared up at him curiously. He lightly stroked her cheek with one finger, nearly gasping as she reached up to grasp at the finger with the uninhibited strength only a baby could have.

That’s when Sidney’s chest began to felt heavy. Was this the same as if he would have been able to hold his own children after they were born? He looked up at Emma and Noah and never in his life had he held so much regret in his heart for not being there for them from the very beginning.

“She’s so small.” Sidney noted, realizing that he had been completely silent for the past few minutes.

“Tell that to my hips.” Brianna joked, sipping her milkshake through her straw and watching him, knowing what must be going through his head. “Take your time.” She smiled gently, patting the seat of the recliner beside her bed as Arianna began to close her eyes sleepily. Sidney crossed the room with the baby in his arms, sitting down on the recliner as his knees touched the side of Brianna’s bed. He couldn’t resist but to lean down and press a kiss to Arianna’s cheek, grinning at the way her face scrunched up and then relaxed from the contact.

Kris had taken Sidney’s camera from the table in front of the small sofa and snapped a few pictures of his own of Sidney and Arianna. Sidney was easily enamored with the little girl, amazed at how much one human being could look so much like her parents. Waving her tiny fists around, Sidney gently held one of her miniscule hands in his, marveling at the tiny fingernails and knuckles. Wrapping her fingers around one of his again, she held him tightly while staring up at him with wide eyes, her cheeks pink and thick lower lip pursed out.

“You are very strong.” Sidney smiled down at the baby who gurgled in response. By no provocation of Sidney’s, her face scrunched up uncomfortably before her mouth could open in a loud whimper. “Uh oh, what happened?” He began to panic as he looked up at Brianna.

“Nothing.” She smiled softly, opening her arms. “Babies like to cry.” She insisted. “And they do it a lot and often times for no reason.” She elaborated, lightly rubbing Arianna’s back. Sidney’s arms suddenly felt very empty and he didn’t like that feeling.

“Em, c’mere, babe.” Sidney called her over, watching as she happily hopped down from Max’s lap and crossed the room, raising her arms so Sidney could pick her up, settling herself in his arms.

“Hi Daddy.” She smiled up at him as he hugged her tightly.

“Hey baby girl.” He grinned, leaning down to kiss her forehead gently. “Love you.” He muttered.

“Love you too!” She chirped happily.

And while Sidney knew that there was nothing he could do about the years he had missed with his children, he also knew that he had forever to make it up to them.

Them and himself.