Chasing Forever

“What month is it, Lorain?”

I looked away as Dr. Sherben pointed the flashlight in my eyes. I was tired of this stupid routine, tired of sitting in this stupid chair while he pointed a light in my face. I remembered everything perfectly well. I only wished I’d forgotten it all.

“Lorain?” he repeated in an impatient voice. He was tired of my games, tired of me rarely speaking.

I didn’t care.

He sighed.

“Lorain, listen to me. I know you’ve just been through a very traumatic event, I get that. But if you want to get better and get out of this hospital, you’re going to have to cooperate a little bit.”

‘I know you’ve just been through a very traumatic event.’ The words hung heavy in my ears. Ha! He didn’t know the meaning of it. He didn’t know what I was feeling, didn’t know that just by saying ‘traumatic event’ sent flashbacks running through my head in faster time than I could begin to even tell what they all were. But each one contained a single person and I. A single person that I loved with every fiber of my very being. A single person that I would now never see again.

I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes again. Now it seemed there was now a permanent lump in my throat, the kind you get when you are just about to lose it. I was scared it’d never go away.

And now this; this sad excuse for a human being in my book, shining a flashlight in my eyes for the third day in row, telling me it’d better if I’d ‘cooperate.’ ‘I know you’ve just been through a very traumatic event.’ His words rang in my ears, clung to my skin, making me feel heavy and lifeless. I wanted to scream at him at the very tops of my lungs, so loud the whole hospital could hear me. I wanted to smack him right across the face and then leave. Leave this place and all the terrible memories that it would forever hold.

“August,” I said. His expression stayed virtually the same, though his eyes softened ever so slightly.

“Good,” he said looking in my eyes carefully with the flashlight as though he could see every answer to my problems by shinning a light in my eyes.

“Do you know what day it is?” he asked gently.

I closed my eyes. Shut that damn thing off!

“W-Wednesday,” I stammered.

“Good,” he soothed.

Just then, Topher and my parents walked in, each with a coffee in their hands. Each pair of their eyes looked tired, worn out, and had a slight shadow underneath. They all wore the same stressed expression. One, I knew covered my own face.

Each night my parents went home, coming back early in the morning before I woke up, but Topher always stayed with me, falling asleep in the chair next to my hospital bed. But lately all I wanted to explode on him. I had no right to be angry with Topher, he was being the best friend he could be given the situation, but all I wanted to do was yell at him. I wanted to tell him to stop staying with me every night, stop asking the doctor how I was all the time, stop bringing me food and taking care of me, and stop pretending like your other best friend didn’t just DIE!

“How’s she doin’?” he asked, closing the door gently behind him.

“She’s doing fine,” I spat.

He attempted an apologetic smile.

“She’s doing well,” Dr. Sherben said, looking from Topher to me and back again. “Should be able to have her released by tomorrow.”

Released. As if I was a prisoner here. Hell, I was a prisoner here for the time being. I hated it here. I hated the people, the food, the smell, the walls, and the circumstances that led me here. But I wasn’t so sure about facing the outside world either.

“That’s great, sweetie,” my father said.

I attempted a smile but couldn’t. How sad was that? I literally couldn’t smile. Instead, I could feel my heart break all over again as the guilt resurfaced. How could I smile? Why would I want to smile after what had just happened?! How could I ever begin to smile again?

I replayed it all in my mind again, as I did each day. The rain, the lightening, the pole coming down, Greyson’s face just before it hit….

Then, suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I tried desperately to suck in all the air I could, clinging to it for dear life but nothing came. This sent me into a coughing fit as I clutched the fabric of my hospital gown. I gasped for breath over and over again but failed.

“Put your head between your knees just like we practiced, Lorain” I heard Topher say in a somewhat panicked tone. He, my parents, and Dr. Sherben were all crowded around the chair I was seated in. I did as instructed and soon I could feel air reach my lungs again.

“Good,” Dr. Sherben soothed, placing a hand on my back. “Everything okay?”

I took deep breath and sat up. Closing my eyes, I nodded.

Soon, I could hear Dr. Sherben’s voice blending in with those of my parents’, though I didn’t dare open my eyes.

“When will this end?” I heard my mother sob.

“What should we do?” my dad asked.

“She’ll be fine,” Dr. Sherben said. “She just needs some time to heal.”

Just then, I felt Topher’s hand on my cheek, wiping away a single tear. I felt my chin quiver as I slowly began to sob while he picked me up and sat down in my chair, holding me on his lap and rocking me like a baby. Before, I might have tried to hold it in. Crying was never something I did in front of people. Yes, before, I would’ve fought the tears with every ounce of strength that I had. But now things were different. Now, I’d been drained of my strength. Now, I didn’t think twice about who I was crying in front of. Now, everything was falling apart.

I still didn’t open my eyes.