Chasing Forever

Life passed by as a blur. A boring, what now seemed unnecessary, blur. I awoke each morning to my mother bringing me breakfast in bed; scrambled eggs and toast with a side of orange juice, not that I ever touched it. Food made me want to puke whenever I looked at it now. Even just the thought of a single piece of bread made me want to hurl.

“Get up and get dressed,” she would say each morning in her cheerful little voice as if nothing was wrong with me. She'd rummage around in my drawers, picking out an outfit for the day she knew I wouldn't wear.

“Maybe later we'll go shopping.” she even attempted some mornings.

I was used to the routine by now. In fact, now I wasn't feeling much of anything. But I liked feeling numb. I liked not being able to hurt. If you can't feel, you can't hurt.

“Hey, Lor,” I heard Topher's voice call from the doorway of my bedroom. But I didn't look. Instead, I kept my eyes fixed on the window next to me, like I had been for the last four days. No eye contact. That was me now.

“It's twelve o'clock.” he said. “I didn't know if you wanted to go grab a bi—”

“No.” I stated simply.

“But Lora--”

“No.” I repeated a little louder.

He sighed. He was beginning to lose his patience with me. Everyday he came over with some excuse to get me out of the house. It was a little far fetched though, considering I hadn't even left my bed for nearly four days.

He sat down on the edge my bed. I could feel his eyes grazing over me but I didn't dare look back. I kept my eyes on the window, on the outside world before me. Normal people living their lives, going about their normal routines. It upset me. Out there, people were taking part in the world; going to work, raising a family, spending time with friends. Normal, everyday things. Things I used to do. Things I never wanted to do again. Not now, after what happened.

Topher moved his eyes over to the window now too. He waited a moment before speaking.

“What do you see out there that's so wonderful?” he asked in a calm, again patient voice. “You haven't taken your eyes off it since you got here, Lorain. Maybe it's time....”

“People.” I said.

I could feel his eyes on me again and back to the window.

“What?”

“People.” I repeated. “I see people. Normal people. People we know. Living.”

He stared for a moment longer.

“You used to be one of those people, you know.” he said gently. “You still could be.”

“I don't want to be.”

“Yes you do, Lorain. Everyone does. No one wants to sit here all day watching other people live their lives while they just....”

“Just rot away?” I practically yelled, turning my attention on something other than that God-forsaken window for the first time in days. I could feel tears appearing fresh in my eyes. I looked right into Topher's. “Because that's what I'm doing and we all know it, Toph. I don't want to go out into the world and live my life again knowing the one person who meant more to me than anyone in the world isn't living theirs anymore!”

He reached over and pulled me into his arms as I sobbed. This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this. It wasn't supposed to end like this. It wasn't supposed to end at all! Now my forever was gone. That was it. Three seconds passed by and he was gone. Done. No more. Nothing. And I just couldn't even begin to wonder why.

“Lorain,” Topher said through my sobs. “I really think you should go tomorrow.”

Tomorrow. Other than six days ago, tomorrow had all the promise of being the worst day of my life.

I sat up and wiped my eyes.

“No.”

Topher looked at me with pleading eyes.

“Greyson would want you to be there. To tell him goodbye. He deserves that and so do you.”

“But I don't want to say goodbye.” I said fighting back more tears.

“I know,” he said turning his gaze to the floor. “Neither do I.”

I sighed and wiped my eyes again. I knew Topher was crying now but I couldn't bare to look. One person falling apart was enough. I couldn't bare to see my best friend like this. Maybe this is what he felt like every time he looked at me.

“Okay,” I was barely loud enough to be heard.

“What?”

I took a deep breath.

“I'll go.” I said slowly, trying to fight the lump in the back of my throat. “To say goodbye.”

I watched as my best friend attempted a smile. I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break anymore than it already had but, looking at Topher, it did. On the outside, he was tough, unbreakable, strong for me. But all it took was one look in his eyes and I could see everything he was feeling; sadness, hope, pain, wishing for a better tomorrow. The same things I knew reflected back in my very own eyes.

I reached over and hugged him as he broke down in my arms. Now it was his turn to fall apart, if only for a minute.

“I wish he was here.” he said.

I sighed and nodded.

“Me too,” I answered. “Me too.”