Chasing Forever

I stared at the girl in the full-length mirror beside my bed. It was the first time I'd looked at myself in nearly a week. My eyes looked swollen and tired while my hair hung lifeless at the sides of my face. I hadn't bothered to put make up on, just a black dress. It hung a little loosely on my body now from when I'd first gotten it due to the fact that I'd barely eaten in days. It was a nice dress, clinging tightly to my torso and branching out into a frilly mess of tool and fabric at the bottom. It was the same dress Greyson had asked me to dance in my freshman year of high school the night we'd gotten together.

“It was that dress,” he used to say. “That's what got me.”

I thought I would let him see me in it one last time before hiding it in my closet again for the rest of forever.

Just then, I heard a knock at my door.

“Lor?” Topher said. “Are you dressed?” he asked, opening the door anyway. When he saw me, his eyes lit up and he smiled solemnly.

“You wore his dress.” was all he said.

I pushed past my tears, nodding. He walked over to me until we were standing just inches apart. He kept his gaze down on our feet for a long time before looking up at me with tear-filled eyes.

“You look beautiful.” he said, taking his hands in mine and laying his head on my shoulder. Then, he started to cry louder and harder than I'd ever heard him before. He sobbed and sobbed, gasping for breath for what seemed like forever. But I just stood there. I did not cry or tell him everything was going to be okay. Because I didn't believe it myself. Instead, I stroked his hair and let him cry.

I wondered how long we would be like this. It couldn't last forever, could it? Surely, someday we'd be at least remotely happy again, right? But whenever I tried to picture this day in my mind, I couldn't. All I saw was black, as if there was nothing left in my head or my heart. And maybe there wasn't. I'd only truly loved one person my entire life and he was gone now. Maybe he'd taken every ounce of love I had in me with him.

After his meltdown, Topher looked up at me with apologetic eyes. I stood, frozen, showing no sign of any emotion at all.

“Ready for this?” he asked, eyes now swollen and tired, matching my own. I wondered if they'd ever return back to being normal.

He didn't wait for answer, instead he just snaked his arm around my waist and led us out of a room I hadn't left in nearly a week and out into the real world again.

* * * * * * *

“We are gathered here today not to mourn a death, but to celebrate a life. The life of Greyson Tyler Lynell.”

As Topher and I stood with his parents on one side of Greyson's casket, I felt as though I was going to throw up. Or pass out. Or both. But, looking around, most everyone looked as though they might do the same.
It was a cool autumn day as we all gathered around Greyson outside in the Westbrooke Cemetery. The wind blew and the birds chirped but the sun did not shine. Instead, the clouds hung low and heavy above us, taunting us with a few sprinkles every now and then.

On the other side of the casket, across from us, stood Greyson's family; his parents, his sister, his grandparents. Next to them stood Zoey's mother, a tissue to her nose, her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at the large wooden box before her. And in front of her stood her daughter; the girl that had the only thing I'd ever wanted for nearly two years. The girl who'd taken my place. The girl I was envious of and had hated since the day they'd gotten together; Zoey Lockenbottom.

Now, Zoey was a nice girl. Most everyone in school liked her. She was funny, pretty with long blonde hair and bright blue eyes, and smart. She never stood out in a crowd but everyone knew who she was. I'd really had no reason to hate her and even now, just looking at her, even given the circumstances we were in, I didn't feel like I hated her anymore. But I knew she hated me. I'm the one who'd gotten the love of her life, the love of my life, killed.

“Does anyone have anything they'd like to say?” the pastor asked.

Beside me, Topher sighed and walked to the head of where Greyson was lying. I dared a look down at the casket, thanking God that it was closed. It was the first time, I realized, that I'd thanked God for anything in a while.

“Greyson was my best friend,” Topher started. As he did, I looked over at Zoey once more. Now, she had a handkerchief pressed to her mouth, breathing sharply. She swallowed several times before gasping for breath. Now, she placed her hand on her head and closed her eyes. She looked like she might faint, though no one seemed to notice.

Without thinking, I started making my way over to her.

“Loraine, where are you going?” I heard Topher's father whisper to me. I pushed past seas of people until I reached her. Still, no one had noticed her, though she was still gasping for breath.

“What are you doing here?” Mrs. Lockenbottom spat. I didn't know if she was referring to me standing next to her daughter or simply being at the funeral in the first place. Either way, it was obvious she didn't want me around.

“Here,” I said, extending a hand to Zoey. You need to sit down.”

“Don't touch her,” her mother spat. Between us, Zoey started coughing.

“She can't breathe,” I spat back.

“I can take care of my own daughter,”

“What's going on here?” I looked up to see Greyson's father standing over us. I hadn't even realized everyone staring until now.

Just then, Zoey fell to the ground. All at once, there was a terrible rumble overhead and a large cluster of people gathering around Zoey's lifeless body.

“I've called 911!” someone shouted.

“Back up!” I screeched, trying my best to shove everyone out of the way of Zoey. “Give her room!”

“Loraine, what's going on?” I felt Topher's breath on the back of my neck.

“I think she had a panic attack,” I said, bending down next to Zoey.

“Don't touch her!” her mother shouted at me.

Just then, the ambulance pulled up beside Greyson's casket. I reached down and put one of Zoey's arms around my shoulder.

“Get the other one,” I instructed Mrs. Lockenbottom. This time, she did not argue, but instead, she reached down and helped me pick her daughter up. Together, we carried her over to the back of the ambulance where they placed her on a stretcher and put an oxygen mask over her mouth.

And then, as if I didn't have control over my body, I climbed into the back of the ambulance with Zoey.

“Loraine, what the hell are you doing?” Topher shouted. Suddenly, it started to downpour.

“Excuse me, Miss, you can't be in here,” one of the medics said to me frantically as he focused on trying to get Zoey's lifeless body to breathe again.

“I'm her sister,” I blurted out. With that, he simply nodded and the doors to the vehicle closed. Outside, I could hear Mrs. Lockenbottom shouting at the now-moving ambulance. I couldn't tell if it was all in my head or really happening.

I looked down at Zoey, still motionless and oblivious to the panic going on around her. She looked more peaceful than I'd ever seen her. Her skin was pale and flawless, not a hair was out of place. There was not a crinkle in the black skirt or sweater she was wearing.

Just then, her eyes fluttered open. She looked around at the medics in ease before her eyes met mine. Then, they reached the size of saucers before closing and falling lifeless once more.