New To The Feeling

I sat impatiently waiting for Beth in a small coffee shop near my house. There weren't many customers that came to this particular shop, so I wouldn't have to worry about running into anyone. My run in with Wylie the previous day had shaken me up beyond anything I could have imagined. I had called Beth almost instantly but she was unable to come see me, so I had to settle on waiting until the next day. I wasn't sure whether she was coming to help me solve my problems or just to hear the gossip; she's not the kind of girl to pass the gossip on to anyone, but she wasn't willing to miss it either.

I fiddled with my keys, tapped my feet and stared at the walls, trying to occupy my mind. Nothing seemed to be working. I shut my eyes, trying to block the sight of anything that would remind me, but that only reminded me of how I was laying there, thinking he'd left before he... well, you know. I was a mess. I looked like a mess, I felt like a mess, I'm sure someone out there would define 'a mess' with Skylar Fox. I felt as though my mind was under seige. I was being bombarded with bomb after bomb. First it was Wylie's tragic story, then it was Jake and that girl, now, rather than being concerned about Jake and my relationship, I was concerned with Wylie and mine. That shouldn't have been so hard. I had been so bent on fixing Wylie I had completely neglected Jake, forcing him into the arms of another girl. I know I was being harsh, and in all honesty, I didn't believe that was the reason. I still had a hard time believing that Jake and Jana were really doing things like so many people implied.

The front door swung open and I almost fell out my chair. I had been ripped from fantasy land at the sound of the bell that hung over the door. In waltzed Beth. She look put together and happy. I on the other hand was unkempt and very distraut. She sat down next to me, placed a hand on mine and looked at me comfortingly.

"Tell me everything." She stated. I wasn't sure if she was asking this because she wanted to know how I felt or if she simply wanted the details of the unscheduled kiss.
"I don't know where to start." I really didn't. My mind was so crowded that nothing was one complete thought.

"Start with Jake and the chick." These were the times that I need Beth. She often did the thinking for me when I was upset or shaken from whatever event was occuring.

"I don't think he's cheating."

"You don't?!" Beth's eyes got wide, but she quickly composed herself, turning back into the friend therapist, "So, what do you think about it? You still love him?"

Love. I mean really, who knows what love is. We're seniors in high school. There are adults out there who don't even understand the difference between love and infatuation; why do you think the divorce rate is so high? They never loved each other in the first place. The sex is good, let's get married... that good feeling is gone, let's get divorced. It was the cruel reality that no one seemed to understand.

"I guess," I began, "I don't know if I ever loved him... I don't believe that you can fall into love and then back out of it, so, logically, if I've fallen out of love now, it's more likely that I wasn't truly in love in the first place."

Beth's face became very stern. She was looking down at the table, contemplating what I just said, "I've never thought of it that way."

"I think I've always thought of it that way." I guess that was true.

"So, what about Jake?" She tried to push the conversation along.

"I don't really know whether I love him or not, so the only logical thing to do would be, take a break and see how I feel. We've been together for so long it seems like its just habit, so maybe it is a habit, or maybe I really do love him. I mean, he's taken care of me better than anyone else." A break I thought. I wasn't so sure that was the answer, but it was the only idea I had.

"Ok, well, what do you feel about Jana?" Beth always knew how to keep a conversation flowing so I didn't dwell on one problem for too long, even though the two problems are related.
"Jana." I repeated, "I don't feel anything. I guess." I lied. That's not true. Well, kind of. In relation to Jake and Jana, I feel nothing, but Wylie... well, that made me furious, "She's really pretty, but I don't think she's waste her time on Jake. She's doesn't strike me as the really mean, boyfriend stealing type." I squinted my eyes.

"No, she's not. I guess, from her looks, she appeared to be the type. Either that or the guys were all willing to follow her no matter what." Beth leaned back and crossed her arms, waiting for me to reply.

"Ok, so Jana is no threat." I nodded.

"Now, as for Wylie..." Beth leaned in and looked at me, judging the ever curve on my face, hoping that even the slightest movement would give away how I felt.

"Wylie is interesting. Wylie is intriguing. Wylie is intelligent--" Beth cut me off...

"Yeah, Wylie is a lot of 'i' words. I don't care what Wylie is, I care what Wylie is in relation to you." She demanded from me. I opened my mouth to begin, but she shoved in one last tid bit of information, "that, and I'm dying to find out what happened."

I couldn't help but laugh, "Ok, ok. So I was with Jake and interogating him about Jana and guess who walks in? JANA! She was with someone, who turns out to be Wylie. This made me furious, I walked out and had a date with a pint of ice cream. Without fail, Wylie ended up at my house as I fell apart. He comforted me, held me... you know that kind of thing. Then we fought about something, like we usually do. He went to leave, I leaned back, shut my eyes and before I knew it we were locked into a kiss that I had no idea was coming!" I threw my hands in the air and leaned back, "So now, I'm the cheating one and don't care."

That last part had caught me off guard. I don't care. That's what the problem was. I didn't feel like I cared whether or not Wylie had kissed me, although I should have cared, but I didn't. I didn't care.

"You don't care?" Beth sounded shocked.

"No, I care... just not as much as I probably should." My face must have looked sour because Beth was giving me the most peculiar look.

"You need to stop this thing with Jake." Beth shrugged.

"If I had been a smoker my whole life, it would be easier to quit cold-turkey than to just stop being with Jake. It's comfortable."

"It's comfortable!" She exclaimed, "Sky, you don't want comfort. I mean look at you. You got your hair cut over a month ago and you've already gone back to that salon to get it touched up. You don't want to be comfortable for the rest of your life."

Beth was right. I didn't want to be comfortable. I was too young not to take chances. We heal easier as teens anyway. I just couldn't get myself to leave Jake, yet.

***

The following week was more torture than anything I had ever endured. I don't think I've ever tried so hard to capture someone's attention like I was trying to do with Wylie. He had stopped talking to me after that day. I had a feeling he would, but I didn't know it would be so abruptly. I had vowed to stay with Jake until I was sure that it just wasn't working out. I had to start somewhere. No matter what I did, Wylie was still the one I thought of. I was determined to fix him, but at the same time just wanted to be close to him. Ironic to think that I had spent my whole high school years trying to avoid Wylie's ridicule, when now all I wanted was to stand close enough to feel him next to me.

For example, during school one day, Jake had snuck up on me and scared me. I jumped and turned around. Jake hugged me and nuzzled his face in my neck, making me laugh, but over his shoulder, at the other end of the hall, I could see Wylie talking to a girl named Fiona. He was flirting aggressively. I only knew he was flirting because I've been around him enough to know what his flirting was like. At this point I began giggling and laughing and talking and squirming in the cutest way I knew how so that if (and my goal was to get him to look) Wylie looked in my direction he would see me, flirting and squealing while my boyfriend held me. I'm sure it just looked stupid, but it was the only thing I could come up with. Of course, it failed misserably. Wylie walked off in the other direction, never even giving any clue that he knew I was there.

In English, Wylie didn't make crude remarks or mean comments about me. He just sat in front of me, with his mohawk blocking my view, never acknowledging my existance. This is how the week went. By the next week, the prom question was popped more than a few times among the upperclassmen. It was in two weeks and most people had already been paired. It was now the first week of May. I had seen Wylie wondering the halls and was curious if he had a date. Finally, curiousity got the best of me during English.

"You going to prom?" I said quietly.

"No." I rolled my eyes. He was obviously avoiding me.

"Why not?" I said playfully.

"No date." He turned to face me. Class was almost over and no one was paying attention.
"Oh, ask somebody." He stared at me with his face like stone. His green eyes never faultered. I forced a smile.

"There's no one I want to go with. Besides, do I look like the type to go to prom?" He was being hostile, just like I was used to.

"No, but that wouldn't be fun to go if you did look like the type. You like shocking people right? So go!" He didn't scare me anymore... not after that kiss.

"Maybe." He turned around just as the bell rang. That was the end of it.

I stepped out of my class practically running into Jake.

"Can I talk to you, love?" He said frantically. I furrowed my brows.

"Yeah."

"Ok, I know we are supposed to go to prom together, but Jana's date backed out and was really upset... I kind of told her I'd take her." Jake gave his best puppy dog face.

I should have screamed and yelled and thrown a tantrum. I should have been thinking that he really was cheating and just didn't want to break up with me. The story was so ridiculous. No one would back out on Jana as a date for prom. Besides, everyone knows what happens after prom.

"Yeah." Was all I said.

"Thanks! I love you!" Jake kissed me and jogged down the hallway. I stood alone, not moving.

After school I saw Wylie walking up the hill. I pulled up along the curb and drove with him, my windows were already down.

"Hey sailor, need a ride?" I said in a flirtatious way. I was now at war with Jake, but it was all an excuse to hang out with Wylie.

"Sure." I wasn't expecting him to agree so easily. He climbed in.

"You need a date to prom?" I said swiftly while pulling away form the curb.

"What?" He shot a look at me.

"My date bailed. I need one too." I glanced at him. His face was bright red with embarrassment, or excitement; I'm not really sure which.

"You're boyfriend backed out?" He said in disbelief.

"Yeah, he's taking Jana." I said it so calmly I think Wylie almost passed out.

"You wanna go with me to prom?" He was trying to confirm what I was asking, but I played a different game.

"I thought you'd never ask!" I exclaimed.

The rest of the car ride to Wylie's home was silent.