New To The Feeling

I should have been more angry. I should have been entirely unhappy and hurt that my very own boyfriend agreed to take another girl to prom and our senior prom at that. I was awestruck, don't get me wrong, but there was something calming about all of the chaos. I felt as though maybe it was so out of my control I should just move on and continue. I had been told numerous times to leave Jake by Beth. She insisted that I just dump him. She knew that it would be hard for me. First loves are something that everyone is reluctant to part with. For me, this was as true as grass is green. Jake was the first guy to come to me and admit that he liked me regardless of social status and regardless of any excuses that high schoolers make up. He and I fell in love quickly and hard, but now I wonder what had really happened.

When you think about it, the term falling in love doesn't really seem too pleasant. We all know that falling isn't something we want to do on a daily basis. Well, the falling isn't the problem usually; it's the landing. When a person falls from anything we lose balance and stability, therefore our landing in always shaky. Falling in love seems so accidental, like we didn't chose to like this person on purpose. It makes me feel that all of my emotions are entirely out of my control. I don't want to live that way. I don't want to live feeling that my anger, love, frustrations and happiness is entirely out of my hands. I want to be in control of where I go and what I do and how I feel about it. It doesn't make falling seem so bad that way. When we fall in love, it is an accident and the landing is fatal. However, if we are in control of our emotions and intentionally jump into love, the landing is then calculated and no longer a threat.

This is exactly what I planned on doing. My emotions for so long have been accidental. My life was moved and molded by a change in the winds without my consent and now I want to have a say. My relationship with Jake just happened and wasn't in my control, I am now falling into something that I cannot change, however, if I can find a way to catch something to slow my fall, or stop the proccess altogether, I can gain back control and move forward taking each step with purpose, rather than chance. Wylie had become what Jake calls my charity project, but now I am taking full responsibility and plan on caring out that vow. I plan on being in control.

***

Beth and I meandered our way through several stores looking for the perfect prom dress, until we came across the Jessica McClintock store. I had known of this designer and was familiar with the dresses, but never realize how beautiful they were until I tried them on. Beth and I weaved our way through the racks of exquisite dresses all of them holding different shapes and colors. We both had lost hope earlier in the day, but the moment we entered this store, we knew it would all pay off.

After trying on a series of dresses and debating about colors, hems, and prices, we both settled on our dream formal gown. Of course, the dress would not be revieled to our dates, and the rest of the world, until we actually began prom night, but that would be worth it.

We both paid a hefty check for our dresses and made our way out towards the car. We got in and were silent for a moment due to the relief we felt for finding our dresses and finally sitting down.

"That was exhausting!" Beth exclaimed suddenly.

"Agreed." I managed.

She looked over to me, "What are you gonna do about Jake?"

"Are you really asking me this now, Beth?" I said, frustrated at her for bringing it up.

"Well, yes. What are you gonna do?" She asked again.

"Look," I began, "I plan on taking my life back and not just falling into things. So, I figure, I will go with Wylie to prom. Jake and Jana will be in the same limo as all of us and I will see where it goes, however instead of just going with the flow, I will control my actions."

"Ok." Beth seemed confused.

"Don't think I'm happy about it, but being mad just ruins prom and breaking up with him before prom would make it torture. I'd be better off just letting it slide," I paused, "for now."

"Good girl." Beth said reassuringly.

Beth could see that I was no longer following the orders of the wind, but rather guiding it myself. We left the mall and went home ready for a long nap.

***

"Next weekend is prom. Are you ready?" I asked after tapping Wylie on the shoulder during the first few minutes of English.

"Sort of." He had turned to face me.

"Sort of? What do you mean sort of?" I joked playfully.

"I'm not the prom type." He stared blankly at me.

"Did you get your tux and all that?" I was feeling a bit anxious.

"Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm all taken care of, I think its the idea of prom itself that is freaking me out." He sounded so raw at that moment, like he needed someone to cover him to hide his nakedness.

"Don't worry about it. I don't think anyone is ever comfortable with prom. We all take to long getting ready because we fear the cameras and we buy expensive clothing that we only wear once in our lifetime. It's all too much for anyone to handle." I tried to be comforting. I couldn't tell if it was working.

"I guess." He turned back around.

The bell rang and Mr. Lee began talking, but my mind was occupied. I could only think of how the next weekend would go. Would Wylie have fun? Would I have fun? Would Jake have fun? Does Jana care? Will Beth be around most of the night or will I have to entertain myself? I erased the thoughts from my mind. I would be in control of how I felt and there was nothing that would change the weekend. I was going to prom with Wylie and I refuse to have a bad time.