New To The Feeling

My first day back was a Tuesday, the day after my release from the hospital. I was fine, for the most part, and I had no reason not to attend. I walked into my first class quietly, trying not to bring any attention to myself, however my bandaged wrist and constant squinting did.

I sat down with my hands folded in my lap. Instantly there was about 5 or so people crowded around my desk.

“How’d it happen?”
“Did you fight?”
“What was it like?”
“Are you hurt?”

News travels fast.

The voices came in waves with none of them too recognizable and no one question was heard clearly. I didn’t answer any of them until I heard Wylie’s name.

“What?” I asked suddenly and louder than I intended.

A boy looked at me curiously and responded, “Where’s Wylie?”

I waited a moment, debating with myself on what to say.

“He’s in the hospital,” was all I could get out.

Whispers sprung out from around the room. I continued to sit awkwardly, looking down at my weakened wrist. Then came a clap and a whistle from the front of the class. My government teacher, Mrs. Middlebrock, interrupted the mayhem.

“Ok, ok!” her voice rang out, “Now, Ms. Fox what is so important you have everyone crowded around you?”

The sea of people cleared quickly to their desks. When Mrs. Middlebrock got a look at me, she stuttered over her words and began teaching. I glanced down at some carvings in the desk, waiting for the bell.

By third period I was entirely sick of the attention. I did not need the irritation of people asking. I wasn’t going to tell them what happened and if they already knew, I didn’t plan on giving any details. I hurt my wrist and my head, end of story.

I entered English swiftly and sat in my regular seat. I looked in front of me at the empty desk. Wylie’s desk.

I’m sorry.

***

I entered the hospital slowly. The smell of sterile air surrounded me and I awkwardly staggered through the lobby trying to avoid any contact. I made my way to the elevator and rode it to the second level. Wylie’s room was a ways down the hall. I wandered passed room after room, always wondering what the occupant was there for. I hate hospitals. I know that people are being saved there, but a lot of the time my mind only focused on those that weren’t.

I shook all the thoughts from my mind. I didn’t want to walk in looking nauseated. Breathe, you’re fine. I’m ok. I don’t even know why I’m nervous. I will be comforting.

As I turned the corner, I saw her. What is she doing here?

She turned to face me. It allowed me to see that she was not only sitting at Wylie’s bedside, but also holding his hand.

“Hi, Skylar. I didn’t know you were coming now.” Jana said joyfully.

“Hi.” It was the only thing I could get out.

Jana turned back to Wylie and whispered something before getting up. She shouldered her way passed me and left. Wylie sat up and looked at me with his green eyes.

“Hey, how ya doing?” Wylie said cheerfully.

“Uh, good. I should be asking you that.” I said, still questioning Jana’s presence.

“I’m ok. Ready to get out of her—“

“I’m sorry,” I interrupted, “but what was Jana doing here?”

“I don’t know. She wanted to say hi. How did you get here?”

“Uh… Beth gave me a ride.” I stared down at my feet.

“Sit down?” He gestured to the chair next to his bed, “How are you getting home?”

“I’ll call my mom, probably.”

I moved my way to a chair in the corner, away from his bed. He looked at me strangely, but I just didn’t want to be sitting there. I sat down, looking back at him. He didn’t say anything. I don’t think he knew what to say. Neither did I.

Something about all of this was making me uncomfortable. I like him, but I don’t want to. Not after what happened. It isn’t his fault in any way, but it still hurts me to see him.

I sighed deeply.

“What’s wrong?” He shifted his weight in the bed nervously.

“Nothing in particular.” I said swiftly.

We sat quietly for a long time. Both of our minds were racing. I could feel it. My thoughts were jumbled. I needed to decide how far I was willing to go for Wylie. Yes, I dumped Jake, but I didn’t dump Jake for Wylie, I just dumped him. Though, right now would be a really good time to see him, his sweet smile, his kind disposition and his loving nature. I began doubting my decision. I had trusted him for so long. I just wanted something new. Things wouldn’t be the same ever, but we could try. Wylie wasn’t safe, which was why I wanted to be near him, but now I realized that I want some kind of safety and being beaten shows none of that.

“I have to leave.” I stood suddenly. Wylie watched me as I headed to the door, “I’ll see you tomorrow when me and my mom come to get you. I hope your head is feeling ok.”

I left the room before he could respond. I didn’t want to hear him plead for me to stay. I’m so fickle. I don’t know what I want until I don’t have it. Jake was good for me and I never had substantial proof that he was cheating. By acting as though he was, it gave him license to hang out with Jana. I’m an idiot.

All this raced through my mind as a wandered through the hospital. As I reached the parking lot I saw a familiar black Magnum parked in visitor parking. Jana was facing Jake. I could hear specific words, but they were fighting. I mean, they were really fighting. I approached slowly, hoping they wouldn’t see me so I could hear some of it.

“Jake! God! I was never interested in you and now everyone thinks we’re cheaters.” Jana screamed.

“This isn’t my fault. If you hadn’t had such a terrible reputation in the first place no one would have suspected anything and I wouldn’t have lost the one person that made me happy to a guy who gets her beaten!” Jake yelled back.

Jana huffed a moment and sputtered some curses before storming off to her Jetta. I carefully made my way towards the car, trying not to startle him. He turned in my direction when I was still a good distance away from him. His eyes got wide.

“Did you hear that?” He said bashfully.

“Yeah.” I glanced around.

“Sorry.” He took a step towards me.

“You shouldn’t be sorry. I overreacted. We all did. God, I hate high school.” I laughed a little.

“I’m glad to see you smile. How’s your… everything?” He looked to my wrist.

I held it up a bit, “It’s ok. My eyes are goofy right now, but I’m ok. I’ll be fine.”
“I wish I would have been there.” His eyes grew fiery.

“No, this guys was scary.” The moments flashed through my mind, but I quickly redirected my attention.

“I would have killed him.”

I smiled. There wasn’t much to say. I knew he would have. We stood awkwardly in the parking lot, waiting for someone to break the silence. It was him.

“Can we start over?” I looked up to see his face which was pleading with me as he mumbled out a few more words, “as friends, maybe?”

This made me smile. I’m glad he didn’t expect things to go back to normal, because they never would be, but we needed a starting point. This was it. I nodded in agreement and looked up at him.

“Can I get a ride?”