Are You Having a Good Time, Sweetheart?

I choked out an humorless laugh. “What happened to me? You! You happened to me Alex! You’re the reason my life is so fucked up! ”

“I came back.” Alex snapped. I froze. “W-What?” “I came back Sky. After I left I realized how big a mistake I’d made. I came back with Hailey, ready to beg for your forgiveness, but you were gone. Nobody knew where you were!” Alex had taken a few steps towards me and was one a foot away at this point.

I wanted to back away, but because my back was already against the wall my movements were limited. “I don’t care Alex.” I hissed. “I don’t care if you came back. It the fact you took her away from me in the first place!” I took a step forward. We were so close, our chests almost touching. “You took my baby away, my only baby, the reason I haven’t jump of a bridge by now!”

I started to hit his chest as tears streamed down my face. “You fucking destroyed me! When you two left you took away every reason for me to live. You’re the reason my whole life is a mess.” I cried. Alex grabbed my wrist to stop me from hitting him.

“Sky. Sky! Calm down!” He pulled me against his chest. Too weak to fight him I let myself hug him back. “What are you saying Sky. I-I don’t understand.” Alex mumbled into my hair. “You took my baby.” I sobbed. “My only baby, my only chance.” “Sky please explain, I don’t understand.” Alex sounded confused.

I closed my eyes. “There were complication during the pregnancy, it’s a miracle Hailey is alive, same for me. Having another baby will kill me, my body’s just not strong enough. Hailey is and will be my only child, I can’t have another baby Alex.” I pulled away a little to look at his face.

His face was as white as a sheet. “You… can’t? And I… I took…”He gulped. “Oh god, what have I done.” He mumbled and I could hear the tears in his voice. “I’m so sorry Sky, I really hope maybe one day you can forgive me.”

I pulled away completely. “I don’t know Alex, maybe, maybe not, but I think for now it’s best to just stay away from each other.” I wanted to walk away, desperate for another dose, but Alex pulled me back. “Sky wait. I can’t. I can’t stay away from you. I can’t pretend nothing happened between us. I can’t ignore my feelings for you!”

I froze and turned around. “What feelings Alex? And don’t say you love me, because we both know that’s not true. I just..” But before I could finish that thought Alex lips were on mine. I melted into the kiss and I couldn’t help but think how perfect and right this felt.

After a few seconds Alex pulled away. “I. Love. You.” He said. “I do, I’m willing to do anything to get you back. After this tour Sky can go back to you. She misses you and …” I cut him off. “No. She can’t. She better off with you. I’m a horrible mother. No, just no.” I shook my head.
“Why would you say something like that? You’re a fantastic mother.” Alex tried to argue, but I just laughed. “I’m not. Don’t act like you think I am. I’m just a ‘cheating, lying, coke sniffing whore’ remember?” I snorted.

Alex looked extremely guilty. “I am terribly sorry about that. I didn’t mean it, I was just angry.”He mumbled, while staring at the ground. “No you did and you were right.” I sighed and pulled away. “See you later Alex.”

“Sky wait!” I ignored him and just continued walking. Suddenly I bumped into Jack. “Sky! There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Where’ve you been?” “Alex.” I mumbled. “Oh.” Jack seemed surprised by my short explanation. Suddenly a smile appeared on his face. “Did you guys kiss and make up?” I shook my head. “No, and we’re not going to either Jack. Too much has happened, I don’t think Alex and I can ever be together like that again. We can try to act civil for Hailey’s sake, but that’s it.” “But he loves you!” Jack tried to convince me. I chuckled darkly. “Not if he finds out what I’ve done in the past year and a half.”

“Well what have you done?” Jack asked curiously. I sighed, not wanting to tell him, but I knew I could trust Jack. “Jack you’ve only found me a couple of months ago. It might seem my life is going great, but it’s not. In the year before that, when I just arrived in New York, I’ve done things I’m not proud of, okay. If Alex would ever find out he won’t be able to look at me ever again.

“Sky you’re scaring me. What happened?” I figured it was time my best friend finally hear the story. “I’ll tell you, mainly because I know you won’t hate me for what I’ve done, but please, promise me you won’t tell anyone else.” I begged. Jack nodded and I told him my story.

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Jack was stunned, absolutely speechless, when I finished. “Please say something.” I whispered, a little afraid of his reaction. Instead of saying something he pulled me so tightly against his chest I had trouble breathing. “Why didn’t you call? We could have helped you.” He asked.

I pulled away. “And let Alex find out where I was? No. And I’m sick of other people trying to help me. Like I’m not capable of doing anything on my own. Well guess what? I’m not weak! I’m fine by myself, I don’t need anyone else.” I was starting to get angry. “I’m so fucking sick and tired of all this! Nobody here knows shit about me. Well they don’t, nobody does!”
I stormed away, leaving a shock Jack Barakat behind. I knew I should have blown up at Jack, but my body was dying for a dose, so I was on edge.

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When I told Jack I’d stopped using cocaine I wasn’t lying, but I hadn’t told him what I am using now. I threw the needle away and cleaned up all the evidence of my ‘little’ addiction. I felt amazing, weightless, like I could do anything. Life was amazing.

I was wandering around the venue and bumped into Andrew. “Andy!” I yelled happily and attacked him, causing us both to fall down. “You’re high.” He said blankly. “And drunk.” I giggled. Andrew sighed and pulled me with him. “Come on. We need to get you back in the van, before you hurt yourself.”

“Who cares!” I laughed. “Hey Andreeeeeeeeew.” I slurred. “Alex still loves me, but I don’t think he will after I tell him what I did. But Jack knows and he still loves me.”

Before Andrew could answer Jack came walking our way. “What’s wrong with her?”He asked Andrew. “Jacky!” I exclaimed and hugged him. “I’m sorry I got mad, I just needed a shot.” My words were slurred together, but still understandable. “Hey Jack could you give me a hand?” Andrew tried to keep me on my feet, but was failing. “She drunk.” “And high.” I chimed in. “Wait what? Shot? High? Sky I thought you said you stopped doing drugs.” Jack asked confused, causing me to go into a fit of giggles. “Silly Jack. I said I stopped doing cocaine! I never said anything about the heroin.”

Jack went pale as a sheet, as did Andrew. “What!?” They both yelled and continued screaming at me. I didn’t fully understand what they said, but I caught things like. “Lost your mind….. Why?....... Are you insane?..... Thought you stopped…… Think of Hailey…… Need to stop….. Alex.”

I stared at them with a blank expression on my face. “I don’t need to do anything. So fuck off.” My voice completely emotionless. I turned on my heels and ran. I ran as fast as I could, as far as I could.

I ended up getting lost in the city. Instead of trying to find my way back I sat down on a bench and cried. Why hadn’t I jumped off a bridge already? The world would be so much better without me. Nobody would miss me.

I sat on that bench for most of the night, thinking about my life. By four a.m. I'd made my decision and I was sticking to it.