Letters to No One
Letter #5
Dear Anyone,
People tell me that if you like being on stage, you must be a good actor. I guess part of that’s true. I mean, I like theater and stuff, but it doesn’t mean I’m a good actor. I’m a horrible actor on stage. However, in life, I’m a great actor. Everyday I act like I don’t notice that boy who passes me in the hallway. I act like some of my friends’ jokes are funny, even if they’re not. I act like I know what we’re reading about in English. I act like I’m an expert on music. I act like I’m fine. I act like I’m happy. I act like I’m okay. I act like I’m a strong person. I act like I know what I want to do with my life, and I act like everything’s going to be all right.
Acting is wanting. When people act on the stage, maybe they want to be that character rather than themselves. But there are things in life that I want that don’t involve acting. I want to scream out, I want to yell at the people who bring me down. I want to tell my sister,
“Please stop yelling, stop being like this. Do you not know how cruel you are being? Don’t you know that your attitude affects other people besides the ones you scream at? Like me? Do you know this all affects me?”
I want her to understand. I want her to know how much stress I’m under. How hard I work to keep that smile on my face. How much I strive to have laughter in my life.
I want to go home. Hello? Is anyone there?
I WANT TO GO HOME.
DO YOU HEAR ME NOW? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY LIFE TO CHANGE? TELL ME. YOU HEAR THAT? TELL ME. WANT ME TO YELL A LITTLE LOUDER? THIS IS NOTHING, HONEY. I HAVE THIS VOICE, AND AFTER REALIZING WHAT I CAN SAY, I’M NOT AFRAID. SO DO YOU GET IT NOW? I’M NOT HAPPY. IN FACT, I’M MISERABLE. THERE’S NO OTHER WORD TO DESCRIBE IT. LISTEN TO ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE. PLEASE HEAR MY CALLS, MY CALLS FOR HELP. GIVE ME SOME KIND OF A SIGN. I’M SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS. I’M TIRED OF ACTING, OF PRETENDING. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE, WITH ALL OF THESE LIES.
I WANT TO GO HOME.
I’m sick of the lies. Make it stop, make it stop. Make the pain stop. Why aren’t I crying? Shouldn’t I be crying by now? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I cry? I’m crying. I’m crying because I can’t cry. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but I want it to go away. Replace it with something happy, something I can live with for the rest of my life. Something like love. I want to go home where love is infinite.
I want to go home.
People tell me that if you like being on stage, you must be a good actor. I guess part of that’s true. I mean, I like theater and stuff, but it doesn’t mean I’m a good actor. I’m a horrible actor on stage. However, in life, I’m a great actor. Everyday I act like I don’t notice that boy who passes me in the hallway. I act like some of my friends’ jokes are funny, even if they’re not. I act like I know what we’re reading about in English. I act like I’m an expert on music. I act like I’m fine. I act like I’m happy. I act like I’m okay. I act like I’m a strong person. I act like I know what I want to do with my life, and I act like everything’s going to be all right.
Acting is wanting. When people act on the stage, maybe they want to be that character rather than themselves. But there are things in life that I want that don’t involve acting. I want to scream out, I want to yell at the people who bring me down. I want to tell my sister,
“Please stop yelling, stop being like this. Do you not know how cruel you are being? Don’t you know that your attitude affects other people besides the ones you scream at? Like me? Do you know this all affects me?”
I want her to understand. I want her to know how much stress I’m under. How hard I work to keep that smile on my face. How much I strive to have laughter in my life.
I want to go home. Hello? Is anyone there?
I WANT TO GO HOME.
DO YOU HEAR ME NOW? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY LIFE TO CHANGE? TELL ME. YOU HEAR THAT? TELL ME. WANT ME TO YELL A LITTLE LOUDER? THIS IS NOTHING, HONEY. I HAVE THIS VOICE, AND AFTER REALIZING WHAT I CAN SAY, I’M NOT AFRAID. SO DO YOU GET IT NOW? I’M NOT HAPPY. IN FACT, I’M MISERABLE. THERE’S NO OTHER WORD TO DESCRIBE IT. LISTEN TO ME, SOMEONE, PLEASE. PLEASE HEAR MY CALLS, MY CALLS FOR HELP. GIVE ME SOME KIND OF A SIGN. I’M SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS. I’M TIRED OF ACTING, OF PRETENDING. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE, WITH ALL OF THESE LIES.
I WANT TO GO HOME.
I’m sick of the lies. Make it stop, make it stop. Make the pain stop. Why aren’t I crying? Shouldn’t I be crying by now? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I cry? I’m crying. I’m crying because I can’t cry. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but I want it to go away. Replace it with something happy, something I can live with for the rest of my life. Something like love. I want to go home where love is infinite.
I want to go home.