Holly, Would You Turn Me

It was true I loved Holly and I had done for years but it was also true that I was gay, I had no interest in girls and Jack well Jack was gay as well and we’d been dating for 5 years.

We both wanted to be together and we weren’t ashamed of who we were but the only way we could get a record deal was if we both pretended to be straight, we were told we'd be ripped to shreds if we let everyone know the truth and we were young and scared.

We'd only really just come to terms with who we were and we weren't ready to be picked on or made to feel crappy for who we were plus we didn’t want to let Rian and Zack down so we agreed to it and since then ours had been a secret love.

I adored Jack and I always had done. From the day I met him I had the biggest crush on him; he was unique, tall, awkward, slim and funny. Just his presence lightened the mood of a place and he had the most amazing eyes ever.

I was convinced he was straight but after weeks of flirting he admitted he wasn’t and kissed me and since then we’d been together, most people mistook our flirting as that close friendship two guys sometimes had and it was true we were friends but nobody beat Holly.

She’d known me my whole life and I couldn’t remember a time that she wasn’t there, through everything she’d been a constant and she’d kept me on the right roads never letting me fall.

She was the first person I came out to at 15 and she’d always been there for me.

When I got upset over having to be ‘straight’ she was there and she convinced me it wouldn’t be that hard but when girls started throwing themselves at me I hated it.

My mom suggested I made up a girlfriend, that way girls would back off a bit but I took it one step further and suggested I got a girlfriend.

Holly informed me that meant telling someone my secret and I realized I couldn’t do it; my plan was a failure until Holly said she’d do it.

She agreed to be my ‘girlfriend’ to the whole world and I’d never loved her more for it, my own brother had been gay as well but when people found out and started teasing him about it he couldn’t take it.

He unlike me didn’t have a Holly and she was too young to be of any help to him and even though we both tried to help him he slipped into depression and one day committed suicide.

I often wondered if I’d have done the same thing by now if it wasn’t for Holly or Jack.

“I’m serious,” she said standing up and grabbing some pajamas before getting undressed and I nodded slowly as I grabbed some lounge pants to get changed myself.

“You know if was straight I’d adore you,” I admitted and she laughed.

“If you were straight I wouldn’t be getting undressed in front of you,” she replied and I laughed.

“Whatever you’d love me,” I said and she laughed.

“No I really wouldn’t, pretending to be your girlfriend is bad enough. You know people sometimes ask me when we’re getting married and I never know what to say,” she said and I ran my hands through my hair.

I was asked this question nearly every interview I did that Holly got mentioned and I always said ‘One day’ but that day would never come, I knew she wanted to get married but just not to me.

I remember as a kid playing weddings with her and she had everything planned, I was going to be best man whether her husband liked the idea of it or not although I knew she’d probably make me bridesmaid just to be funny.

“Holz,” I said standing behind her and she turned to face me as she pulled her pajama top on.

“You know if you ever want out of this you can,” I said and she nodded.

“I’m serious if you ever want to finish this than it’s okay, I get you’ve got your own life to have and that if you ever want to get married well you can just leave me,” I explained.

She smacked my chest.

“Don’t you be saying that too loud if he hears you’ll scare him,” she snapped at me and I laughed.

“Sorry but really you can, I’m a big boy now I can look after myself,” I stated and she looked at me not believing a word of it.

“Then why are we still together?” she asked and I smiled.

“Because I’m not as brave as I make out, girls scare me Holly and you know it. Your just weird, I mean I can cope with you but not when they get all 'I love you' and start flashing me. I just don’t know what to do with myself,” I admitted and she laughed.

“They still flash you now,” she reminded.

“Yeah but I have you so I just look away awkward because it’d be wrong seeing as I have a girlfriend,” I explained and she laughed.

“Yeah I guess, well I’m not going anywhere so you don’t need to worry about that do you,” she explained.

There was a knock at the door connecting us to next door and it opened to reveal a sheepish looking Jack.

“Sorry,” he offered and she glared at him making him uneasy and then smiled.

“You 2 need to just calm it down really don’t you,” she said sounding like our mother and he nodded.

“Yeah and Alex kiss her again like that in front of me and I’ll punch you,” Zack snapped as he appeared behind Jack pushing him into the room and hugging Holly.

All the guys in the band knew about Jack and I and they were fine with it but Holly and I had caused some issues.

Mainly because Zack and Holly were in fact dating and had been for around 2 years now and this was as much a problem for them as it was for Jack and I.

Zack had never let it bother him and I respected him for that, not many guys would date a girl for so long without everyone knowing they were his and have to watch as the world thought she was in fact your best friends girl.

As a rule I normally only hugged Holly and kissed her on the cheek but on the rare occasion when it felt like the situation in fact required it we would kiss.

He normally didn’t enjoy it though and Zack would threaten to punch me but he’d never hit me, Holly loved me too much and she’d leave him if he ever touched me.

“Right you 2 behave,” she said and we both nodded as Zack led her through the door into his room shutting the door behind them.