Holly, Would You Turn Me
What Ifs
Holly and I shared a room and Zack and Jack shared a room but in actual fact once inside the room Jack shared with me and Holly went with Zack.
“I’ve never felt more like a naughty teenager in my entire life,” Jack said as he lay back on the bed and I nodded curling up next to him.
He stared at me but I was too busy in my own world to hear anything he was saying.
“Alex!” he half shouted and I shook my head looking at him.
“What’s the matter?” he asked and I shrugged, I’d never told anyone how much Holly really meant to me and it scared me to say it.
“It’s Holz,” I admitted and he smiled pulling me into his side and I felt the familiar safeness of his warm body next to mine.
“Tell me?” he stated and I knew I was going to.
“I just feel, well it’s hard to describe. It’s like sometimes I think if everything went wrong I’d survive as long as I had her but if she ever went then I’d die. Maybe not really die but inside I’d die,” I admitted and he just nodded quietly.
“She means so much to me Jack and I just can’t help but think about things. What if my brother had had her or some like her would things be different?” I asked and he shrugged.
“You’ll never know so don’t worry yourself about it, you were both young and Holly could never have done anything for your brother you know that,” he reassured.
We never spoke of my brothers name because for some reason it made it all too real for me, ever since he died he was ‘my brother’ never his name and I knew I’d never let his name leave my lips again and those around me knew better than to speak it.
“What if I’m holding her back? She’s a girl and I know she craves a family and a husband and she could have that with Zack but I stop her and what if by the time I’m willing to let go it’s far too late and her chance has gone? She’s ruining her life saving mine,” I said quietly feeling guilt wash over me.
“She chooses to stay in this, you’ve never forced her and you give her the options she needs. If Zack wanted to propose or start a family he knows full well he’d have your support and you’d start the plan to separate from her,” Jacks husky voice he got when tired whispered.
The last thing that played on my mind just slipped out.
“What if I never want to let her go?” I asked and he shrugged, this upset him almost as much as it did me.
If I didn’t let her go we’d never be a couple in the eyes of the world and she’d never get to be with Zack publicly but in spite of all that part of me didn’t want to let her go.
I was selfish I never wanted to share her as a child and to this day I still didn’t want to and it hurt me to know I could be the one that upset her this way but in truth I loved having her close in this way.
“Alex?” he asked quietly pushing the hair from my face and I looked up at him.
“Do you love me?” he asked and I smiled nodding.
“I love you too but I was just checking,” he said as he kissed me and I kissed him back.
He broke away smiling.
“I’m tired handsome,” he said as he got comfy and I wrapped my arm round his waist.
“Night,” I whispered kissing his nose as he closed his eyes.
“I’ve never felt more like a naughty teenager in my entire life,” Jack said as he lay back on the bed and I nodded curling up next to him.
He stared at me but I was too busy in my own world to hear anything he was saying.
“Alex!” he half shouted and I shook my head looking at him.
“What’s the matter?” he asked and I shrugged, I’d never told anyone how much Holly really meant to me and it scared me to say it.
“It’s Holz,” I admitted and he smiled pulling me into his side and I felt the familiar safeness of his warm body next to mine.
“Tell me?” he stated and I knew I was going to.
“I just feel, well it’s hard to describe. It’s like sometimes I think if everything went wrong I’d survive as long as I had her but if she ever went then I’d die. Maybe not really die but inside I’d die,” I admitted and he just nodded quietly.
“She means so much to me Jack and I just can’t help but think about things. What if my brother had had her or some like her would things be different?” I asked and he shrugged.
“You’ll never know so don’t worry yourself about it, you were both young and Holly could never have done anything for your brother you know that,” he reassured.
We never spoke of my brothers name because for some reason it made it all too real for me, ever since he died he was ‘my brother’ never his name and I knew I’d never let his name leave my lips again and those around me knew better than to speak it.
“What if I’m holding her back? She’s a girl and I know she craves a family and a husband and she could have that with Zack but I stop her and what if by the time I’m willing to let go it’s far too late and her chance has gone? She’s ruining her life saving mine,” I said quietly feeling guilt wash over me.
“She chooses to stay in this, you’ve never forced her and you give her the options she needs. If Zack wanted to propose or start a family he knows full well he’d have your support and you’d start the plan to separate from her,” Jacks husky voice he got when tired whispered.
The last thing that played on my mind just slipped out.
“What if I never want to let her go?” I asked and he shrugged, this upset him almost as much as it did me.
If I didn’t let her go we’d never be a couple in the eyes of the world and she’d never get to be with Zack publicly but in spite of all that part of me didn’t want to let her go.
I was selfish I never wanted to share her as a child and to this day I still didn’t want to and it hurt me to know I could be the one that upset her this way but in truth I loved having her close in this way.
“Alex?” he asked quietly pushing the hair from my face and I looked up at him.
“Do you love me?” he asked and I smiled nodding.
“I love you too but I was just checking,” he said as he kissed me and I kissed him back.
He broke away smiling.
“I’m tired handsome,” he said as he got comfy and I wrapped my arm round his waist.
“Night,” I whispered kissing his nose as he closed his eyes.
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay last of the updates for today.