Long Road to Ruin

“Fuck you.”

Those were two lethal words that I had never expected to come from the mouth of my eldest son, at least not directed towards me. They stung, and dealt a crippling blow to my already broken self-esteem. I wasn’t quite sure what to do, or how to react. I was numb. The feedback from my phone speakers had been just loud enough for Jay to overhear the conversation and he stood next to me, agape, unmoving.

“Whoa,” he started, “That was harsh-“

“Save it,” I muttered darkly, pushing past him and continuing to make my way down the sidewalk. I later realized that it had been really rude of me to leave my new friend standing there in the middle of the street, but at that point in time I wasn’t in the mood for the sympathy that he had to offer. I really wasn’t in the mood for anything at this point, except for maybe self destruction.

I chuckled at my own dark sense of humor.

Buildings, street lamps, and pedestrians flew by as I picked up the pace, weaving left and right to avoid the countless obstacles. Time almost seemed to freeze at that moment. For me, it was a moment of judgment.

Had all of those years I’d spent on self improvement been completely wasted and discarded like old candy wrappers and cardboard boxes that no one had a use for? Is that what I had become? Simply an object of the moment? I had spent so much time genuinely struggling to make myself a better person for Adrienne, and working my ass off to build a better life for my boys, but for what? Apparently for a lost cause, seeing as how I had made Joey’s life miserable despite my attempts. I had not only failed as a husband, but also as a father.

It was then that another piece of me crumbled and was laid to rest in the same town where most of the rest of the old Billie Joe had died.



Eventually I grew tired of walking aimlessly, so I stopped. Seconds later Jay caught up with me. He slicked his hair back with one hand and rested the other on his leg.

“You do a lot of running away, man,” he stated, shaking his head as he looked at me.

“One of my many talents,” I replied, a hint of sarcasm edging my voice. He was right, though. I did spend an awful lot of time running away from my problems. This was a bad habit I had gained in my youth and it had done nothing but worsen ever since, mostly due to circumstantial reasons. Had I done anything to change that? Of course not, but at a time like this, I had bigger problems. Pushing this one aside one last time couldn’t hurt.

“At least…I hope not,” I thought.

“So,” Jay inquired, nudging me slightly. I must have zoned out for a moment. “Now that that little episode is over with, are we gonna go where I was taking you in the first place?”

“Sure,” I shrugged. I was usually not a man of few words, but I couldn’t come up with anything better to say.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked as he walked, leading the way.

“No.”

I didn’t want to talk to anyone except for my wife and sons. What I truly wanted was to go home and wrap my arms around Adrienne, who was bedridden because of me, give her my sincerest apologies and kiss her. Then I would give Jakob a hug, and tell him that his dad had never meant to leave him behind like this. Last but not least, I wanted to sit down with Joey and have a long talk with him. He was almost sixteen now, nearly a man and we needed to come to a mutual understanding, for both our sakes.

If only. Adrienne had probably already filed for divorce.

I brought myself to reality and shook off the thought, like so many unpleasant thoughts before it. We had arrived at our destination; this I knew because Jay had stopped suddenly. A smile lit up his face, and he spoke.

“Here we are!” he exclaimed enthusiastically; however, I was confused by this exclamation. For the life of me I couldn’t pick out anything extraordinary or even worth mentioning about my surroundings.

An alley. We were standing in a small alleyway like any other. Dumpsters lined the walls and bright varieties of potted plants hung precariously from the windowsills and balconies above. I suppose that this scene was picturesque in its own city life kind of way. Regardless, I didn’t know why he had bothered bringing me here.

“No,” he said, noting my confusion. “Over there.” He took me by the shoulders and spun me around. I stared blankly in the direction of his outstretched index finger and my breath caught in my throat. I saw it.

Looming above the nearest rooftop was a billboard, but this particular one bore no advertisement. Instead, every inch was splattered with swirls of color, peace signs, quotes, religious symbols, buildings, and anything else that you could possibly imagine. All were abstract and obviously hand painted. It completely took my breath away.

“Holy shit,” I breathed, “That’s fucking incredible!”

“Why, thank you,” Jay beamed proudly.

“Wait…you did all this?”

“Every bit.”

That was when I discovered that Jay was an artist, born and raised in Chicago and trying to
make both a statement and a living. It was another thing that he and I had in common. Maybe I’d fit in here after all. Making sure to be exceedingly careful, I followed Jay up ladders and across rooftops. Now this was a breathtaking view. Or it would have been if I had spent more than a moment surveying it. I had always been afraid of heights.

Once we were on the small foothold in front of the billboard, Jay headed straight for a plastic bucket that had been concealed under a tarp. From this he pulled out numerous cans of paint and brushes. He tossed a brush at me and I caught it awkwardly.

“Have at it,” he instructed, gesturing at his masterpiece. He dipped his own brush into a can of metallic, hot pink paint. As if a signal had been given his hand flew across a portion of the billboard in a flurry of wide strokes. I was in awe just watching him.

Now, I am a self-proclaimed artist, but painting had never been my forte. My artistic instrument of choice had always been a guitar. For some reason, though, I felt like it would help me to do this, to unleash all of my emotions in full color. With the sun shining above and the glistening lake in my view in the distance, I had plenty of inspiration.

I smiled as I realized that I was actually enjoying myself for the first time in a long time.

“Life, 1,234,590. Billie Joe, one,” I whispered.