Where I Belonged

As my fingers traced skilfully over the frets of my guitar, I could'nt help but to stare at him. He really did look beautiful tonight. His unnaturally pale complexion somehow suited his features, and his large hazel eyes were nothing short of captivating. The long performance had caused sweat to soak his hair, making it cling to his face in a surprisingly alluring way. Needless to say, he looked perfect tonight. Not that he was ever anything less. Personally I had never been interested in guys before I met Gee. Whatever it was that captivated me, it was enough for me to dump my longtime girlfriend Jamia. I had simply told her that I wanted to find myself, but really the only place I wanted to find myself was in Gerard's arms.

Fuck.

Were we already this close to the end of the show. Honestly, if my fingers didn't know these songs better than anything I dont know how I would manage these shows. My brain was currently a thousand miles away from them, yet they still performed perfectly. I really had to stop doing this. It was obvious that Gerard had no feelings toward me that surpassed "best friend". But really, I had liked him the moment I first layed eyes on him. Fuck it, I loved him.

As soon as the show ended, Mikey, Ray, Bob and Gerard darted off the stage. I lingered as long as I could, lost in my own thoughts of Gee, when I realized that the venue was emptying quickly and most of the kids had gone home. I always seemed to get lost in thoughts like this, but Gee tended to have that effect on me.
Oh Gee,
I loved my little pet name for him. He thought it was nothing more than a simple nickname, and he often called me 'Frankie' to counteract it. If only he knew how my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and how the room around me began to swim in dizziness everytime he called me that. 'Frankie'. That was his name for me. I could almost pretend that I was his every time I heard it.

Unfortunately, I was not, and I never would be.

I quickly ran off the stage and back out to the bus, trying to avoid as many screaming fans as I could. I loved our fans and didn't want to ignore them, but every minute I spent with them was another minute I had to be away from Gerard, whom I craved to see. After signing a few autographs and taking pictures with a few very persistant fans, I had finally made it back onto the bus, where I saw the four guys sprawled out on couches and armchairs playing video games. There was an available seat next to Gerard, which I hastily snatched up, putting my legs up on his lap. Of course, it meant absolutely nothing to him, but the minute my legs came in contact with his, my heart began to beat just a little bit faster.

"Where have you been Frank?" Bob asked me hastily in between two rounds of Guitar Hero in which he was kicking Ray's ass.

"Eh, just thinking."

Bob really didn't care what I was thinking about, or if he did he didn't let it show, so he continued to school Ray at Guitar Hero. I personally found this hilarious, and giggled at the thought.
However, Mikey didn't want to let the subject drop. I loved the kid like he was my little brother, but he could be pretty damn annoying sometimes.

"What were you thinking about?" he asked me suspiciously.

"Um...just about the show and stuff. I thought it was a great show." I added, trying to divert attention away from my thoughts, but Mikey persisted.

"It was a good show, but Frank, you seemed a little distant, like your focus wasn't really on your playing. Why is that?"

Fuck Mikey, just drop it.

"Well, I was just a little tired up onstage, so I might not have been very focused I guess."

After that Mikey got up, saying he wanted to go outside and get some fresh air, but he gave me a look that said, "You better get your fucking ass off that couch and meet me outside right now", so I decided to go with him. When we reached the outside of the bus, Mikey just stood staring into space. I cleared my throat expectantly to get his attention, which he returned with a questioning smirk.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" I asked a little more harshly than intended. It seemed to have no effect on him however; the smirk remained.

"Frank, how long are you going to keep this up?"

"Keep what up?" I was thouroughly confused as to what he was talking about.

"I mean how long are you going to keep pretending that you don't have feelings for my brother?"

Needless to say I was shocked. Had I not hidden my feelings well enough? I suppose I did stare at him on stage and when he looked at me I tended to loose my train of thought. None of the other guys seemed to notice, but Mikey was a smart kid, and he was my best friend. He could read me better than the other guys I suppose. It took me a while to come up with a response, and when I did, it was pretty unconvincing.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh Frank you're a terrible liar. Just tell me. I'm your best friend, you can tell me anything."

"Fuck it Mikey. It doesn't make a difference anyway. He would never have feelings for me anyway." My voice faltered on the last word, and I placed my hand carelessly over my face to try and hide the tears that I could feel stinging in my eyes. I was not really an emotional person, or at least I was usually good at hiding them. But vocalizing my thoughts just made them seem more real than ever.

"He will never have feelings for me."

I stood for a few seconds with my face buried in my hand before I heard light footsteps move towards me through the gravel of the lot. I felt a warm hand gently grab my own and slowly lower it down to my side before letting go. My eyesight was a little blurry because of the tears that had recently obscured it, but I knew it was Mikey. He then placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and patted it gently. Mikey always knew how to calm me down when I was getting out of control, mostly because he was the only person who I would ever allow to see me when my emotions were rampaging. He leaned a little closer to my ear spoke in a low but confident voice.

"How do you know?"

"Well...", but that's all that got past my lips. Really, how did I know? I had simply assumed that Gerard was 100% straight and only considered me as his friend. I suppose I hadn't seen him bring a girl with him anywhere since he divorced his wife Lynz about two years ago, and even then he hadn't really given an explanation as to why they were divorced in the first place. All he had said was, "We wanted different things." I had always secretly wondered what Gerard wanted that Lynz couldn't give him.

I was quickly broken out of my train of thought by Mikey's voice once again sounding quietly in my ear.

"Just give it a try. He might surprise you. And if it's any consolation, I've seen the way he looks at you too."

Mikey then patted my shoulder once more and made his way back onto the bus, but I was far to confused to even take one step. How could Gerard have any feelings for me? If he did he would have told me. Then again, I never told him. But Gerard was more confident than I was. Was he stealing quick glances at me the same way I would constantly steal glances at him? I had to find out for sure. I would have to confront him about it. Worst scenario- he would freak out and get mad at me and our friendship would be severed. It was a dangerous risk, but it was a risk I had to take.

I went back into the bus to see that Ray and Bob had already gone to sleep. As soon as I walked in, Mikey gave me a reassuring look and announced that he was exhausted and going to bed. I still had no idea what I was going to do, but I suppose now was as good a time as any, so I sat down next to Gee on the couch, akwardly perched on the edge. He looked at me with a concerned eye before sitting up on the couch and moving closer to me. This unexpected closeness made my stomach feel slightly queasy and my heart to skip a couple of beats.

"Hey Frankie, are you okay? You seem a little tense tonight."

"Um, yeah. Actually, I did want to talk to you about something." My voice shook a little on the last few words, but that was only because of nerves. Damn, I was more nervous than I thought.

"Well I'm all ears. What do you want to talk about?"

You, you dumbass!

"Well, actually I have more of a question. I'm having a little bit of a problem and I was hoping you could help me out. See..." I hesitated, trying to think of how exactly I could word this so Gerard would understand. "A while, back, I met this person, and I instantly knew that I had feelings for them. But,..."

Gerard cut me off to ask a question I had been trying to hold back. "Who's the lucky lady?"

Gerard didn't know I was bi or gay or whatever the fuck I was, even I didn't really know. But the point is, he had no idea that I had interest in anyone except girls. I sat in silence for a few seconds, debating how I could answer this question, before akwardly mumbling "...It isn't a girl."

Gerard seemed a little shocked at first. I didn't really expect any different. I mean, we told eachother everything and I suppose he was simply surprised that I hadn't told him this before. But the shock died away almost instantly and was replaced by a look of nonchalance. I don't think Gerard knew this about me at all, but he was definately not judgemental. It was one of the things I loved about him. The next thing he asked me came as no surprise, but I had been dreading in nonetheless.

"Okay, so who's the lucky guy then?"

I mumbled the only thing I could think of.

"Let's say for our purposes that this guy is anonymous. Now, this guy has been one of my best friends for years and years, and we've told eachother everything, but I don't want to tell him this. I'm almost 100% sure that he has no feeling towards me, and I don't want to ruin our friendship, becasue it really is a great one. I don't know how much longer I can keep it a secret, though. I always catch myself staring at him unintentionally and getting lost in his eyes. Sometimes I want to kiss him so bad it hurts. Do you think I should tell him?"

Gerard stared unblinking at a spot on the bus wall with a perplexed look in his eye. I could tell he was thinking really hard about what I had just said. I had always loved how much he cared about me and tried to do his best to help whenever I had a problem. Fuck, I loved everything about this man.

After about 20 seconds of thinking intently, he was still fixated on the small spot on the wall. I wanted him to say something, so I gently rested my hand on his shoulder and whispered, "Gee?"

All at once, his eyes widened in shock and understanding, and he jumped of the couch facing me with his outsretched index finger pointing straight between my eyes. It was over. There was no way he would want to stay friends with me now. I knew I shouldn't have said anything; I should have just continued to admire him from afar. I didn't think he was going to say anything so I began to stand up, but the force of his words knocked me down.

"You can't be fucking serious!" Needless to say, that hurt a little bit.

"Gee, I'm sorry. I should have never said anythi-"

"YOU'RE FUCKING IN LOVE WITH MY BROTHER?!?!?!"

"Gee I'm so...wait...what?" Now I was completely lost. Did he seriously think I was talking about Mikey? I couldn't help but giggle at this, which seemed to make him snap back into reality.

"Wait, it's not Mikey? But then who the hell are you talking about?!" He seemed thouroughly confused. I simply stood up from the couch so I was at his level (almost) and tried to muster up the most serious face I could.

"You know Gee, you can be an idiot sometimes."

"Wait...what the hell? Who are you talking about Frankie?"

"You, you dumbfuck!"

Before he had any chance to respond I grabbed the back of his head and let my lips collide with his. All at once, intense pleasure shot through my entire body. I was at complete bliss. Thank god Gee quickly put his hands around my waist or else I might have passed out. Wait a second, Gee put his hands around my waist?!
Fuck yes.
I don't know if he was simply caught up in the moment or if he really wanted to do this, but Gerard began to kiss back passionately and wrapped his arms around my waist. I wrapped my other arm around the back of his neck and ran my tongue along his bottom lip, asking, practically begging for entrance. He responded almost imediately by slightly dropping his bottom jaw, allowing me to explore the unknown territory. Our tongues soon began a battle for dominence, but I let him win. Fuck, I had wanted him to kiss me for years, I wasn't going to stop him now.
After a few minutes, and much to my dismay, Gerard broke away from the passionate kiss, but kept his hands softly lingering around my torso. His face had broken into a broad smile.

"Frankie, why didn't you ever tell me."

"Well, I just kind of figured you wouldn't feel the same way, so I hoped if I kept it a secret we could still be great friends."

"I'm actually surprised you haven't noticed me. Mikey always catches me staring at you during performances, but I thought you noticed too."
Mikey you clever little fuck.
"I suppose I was too busy doing the same thing to notice." I said quietly, biting at my lip ring nervously.

The smile spread across his face quickly disappeared and was replaced by an almost convincing, dead-serious one. I could tell that he was trying hard to supress small giggles that kept erupting in his throat. When he had almost completely supressed his laughing fit, he placed his lips right up against my ear, making me shudder. He then whispered so quietly I could barely hear him.

"You know Frankie, you can be an idiot sometimes."

He leaned back so we were facing eachother again, and a lopsided grin broke out on his beautiful face. Apparently he could no longer supress his smile. I was perfectly okay with that; I loved his smile.

Without even thinking, I blurted out, "I love you Gee." then quickly looked at him with scared, expectant eyes. This was the part where he was going to freak out. But he didn't freak out. He simply looked at me warmly for a couple more seconds.

"I love you too Frankie."

I barely had any time for a wide grin of my own to appear on my face, because almost instantly after he had said it, Gerard pulled me into another passionate embrace, his lips once again meeting mine. I had never been happier in my entire life. This was where I belonged.