Never Let Go

July dwindled into nothingness, giving way to August, a month that held the anniversary of my father’s death. I celebrated his as I had my mothers. The only difference being that instead of feeling at peace with his life and the way it had ended, I felt the quiet rage that I had been carrying for years, the anger that I felt towards him for taking his life when he had a child to raise. That anger was one that lingered. I had often tried to completely be rid of it, but it refused to go, a trace always remained and on that day, I felt guilty for being angry him so I pushed the anger to the back of my mind and focused on the few happy memories I had with him.

Those memories brought me joy as I sat under the willow tree in the company of my grandparents, Mitzi, and Ron. The latter had yet again come uninvited. I hadn’t thought to invite Ron because Harry and Hermione were still at his house, but apparently Ron didn’t mind leaving his guests by themselves. Although I thought him rude for leaving his friend, I was grateful that he had.

Having Ron there felt right.

He was the one that I credit with my return to the outside world. There was just something about Ron that endeared him to me, that’s why I screamed when his teddy bear was turned into a spider and as fucked as this might sound, had it been anyone else, I probably wouldn’t have done it. I would’ve just walked away but seeing Ron so frightened triggered something inside me and I had to protect him. It was like that all throughout our childhood and there were times when it went back to that.

I spent what remained of the summer splitting my time between family, cousins, and The Burrow. I was always around from one place to another with Mitzi at my side, constantly fretting over me. There were literally times when I’d be hanging out in the garden and she’d climb atop me to apply more sunscreen. It was odd, over the top – even by her standards – but that was just the way Mitzi was and I knew that she had been told by Nan to keep a very close watch on me so I knew that Mitzi was channeling both of them and I tried very hard to remain calm even when all I wanted was to scream at them for not giving me a moment’s privacy.

It’s not like screaming at them would have worked.

They were both overdramatic women whom had a flair for worrying and since it was wartime in England, they had taken a strong liking to fretting over me. One of them was always at my side whenever I left the house. I couldn’t even go out onto the porch without one of them following me out. How they knew my movements, I do not know but they did. I'm pretty sure that their extreme protectiveness wasn’t just a result of the war, but a result of the fact that I would soon be leaving the house for a boarding school.

Never before had I been to a boarding school. The academy I attended in America was five days a week from 8 in the morning to four in the afternoon. That was what we were used to, not me being gone for months at a time. I was afraid that when I’d leave, they’d become depressed. I'm not saying that to be full of myself. I don’t think that my leaving is enough to make most people fall into a state of depression, but I had heard many stories of mothers that suffered from depression when their children left for boarding school. I may not have been born to either of them, but they doted on me like a mother dotes on their child, they had been with me every single day since they rescued my father and I from the shack so I felt that leaving, would have some negative effects on them.

And that fear became a reality the night before school was set to begin.

In the week leading up to my departure to Hogwarts, they had been acting particularly odd. Nan hadn’t let me go out, claiming that it was foolish for me to spend time with people that I would be practically living with during the year. I argued against her, thinking it was unfair to be cooped up inside all day when I could be out having fun.

To that she responded by shooting me the look.

I reluctantly dropped the subject.

That wasn’t the only odd behavior. She and Mitzi had taken to spending their evenings on the porch drinking tea as they talked in hushed voices. Seeing them so secretive annoyed me. So I asked Grandpa if he knew what was going on. As usual, he didn’t. He said to leave them alone, that it was best to forget about it.

Being the nosy person that I am, I found it impossible to forget so I took to spying on them as best I could, that – of course – didn’t work out well. My attention span wasn’t long enough for me to sit in one place for more than ten minutes. I needed action, but on the day before I was set to leave, I discovered what was going on.

It had happened by accident, those things always do. I had gone downstairs at around ten at night to put the kettle on the stove for some coffee. I hadn’t finished packing my things so I was going to pull an all nighter to do so. I honestly didn’t expect to find anyone awake. Nan and Grandpa usually fell asleep a little before ten, the house elves slept at around nine but on that night, both Nan and Mitzi were wide awake.

They were in the living room, talking much louder than usual, clearly thinking that no one was awake to overhear. But I was awake. I stood in the hallway and heard every word of their conversation which consisted about how Mitzi was going to follow me to Hogwarts. A wiser person would have walked away to contemplate their words. I wasn’t a wise person, never had been, probably, never would be. So instead of walking away I burst into the living room in my pajamas.

“When were you planning on telling me this?” I spoke as I emerged from the doorway.

“What are you doing awake?” inquired Nan nervously. “You’re supposed to be sleeping.”

“It’s barely ten. I don’t sleep until one or two. You know that.” I stepped closer to them, eyes shifting from one to the other. “When were you guys going to tell me about Mitzi following me to Hogwarts? Or was this going to be some secret that I’d never know about?”

“It wasn’t important for you to know.” Nan replied.

“Not i-i-important?” I stammered. “You’re sending someone to spy on me and you’re saying that it’s not important?!”

“Emilia,” Nan said my name slowly, her voice soft. “Mitzi wasn’t going to spy on you. She was just going to keep you safe –“

“By spying on me,” I complained. “That’s not rad, Nan, not rad at all.”

“It doesn’t matter whether it’s rad or not, what matters is keeping you safe.”

“There’s a huge difference between keeping me safe and smothering me.” Those words were going to get me in trouble, I knew they were. I just didn’t care. “I get that you guys worry and that I'm the last kid in this house, but this is going way too far. I'm going to Hogwarts, not some battlefield.”

“Hogwarts is the battlefield.” Mitzi declared.

Nan nodded in agreement. “He who must not be named attempted to infiltrate Hogwarts during the last war so that he could get students on his side and I'm certain that it’s what he’ll do this time.”

“So he’ll get students. I think after years of having a private dueling trainer, I’ll be able to handle another student.”

“Some of the students are very well trained in the Dark Arts. Their parents were Death Eaters and it’s only natural that their children aspire to be like them.” Nan cringed. “Mitzi is going with you, that’s, the only way you’ll be safe.”

“You’re both just being paranoid and I’ve bought into your paranoia this entire summer by agreeing to be chaperoned at all hours but I'm tired of having someone constantly there. It makes me feel like I'm some stupid little child that can’t be trusted.”

“That’s not true.” Nan turned to Mitzi. “She’s just being overdramatic, isn’t she?”

“Millie is.” Mitzi agreed.

“No, I'm not.” I was getting frustrated by their refusal to see my side. “I'm tired of being babysat. I get that you guys worry about me and that you want me to be safe but you guys are so obsessed with taking care of me, that you’re forgetting to let me live.”

“That’s not true, we let you do whatever you want in America . . .” Nan trailed off.

“In America, you did, but ever since we got back you’ve had me in a bubble and I love you both, I do, but I'm tired. I'm a teenager. I want some freedom to just be. I think I deserve it.”

Nan’s hands balled into fists. “I gave my children freedom during the first war. Do you know what they did with that freedom? They joined the Order. And do you know what happened? I lost seven of my children, seven.”

“Nan –“ I began to speak.

“I’ve given you everything,” Nan cut me off. “You know that. You know that I’d give you anything you wanted, I bought you a horse because you wanted to learn to ride, I bought you a piano that you never use because you thought it’d great fun, I’ve given you everything, but at this moment, freedom is out of the question. We have to keep you safe and you can hate us for it. You can think we’re insane and annoying but Mitzi’s going and if I could get permission from Dumbledore, I’d go as well.”

“Rose is right. Mitzi will take care of Millie, whether Millie wants Mitzi to or not.” Mitzi stood with her head held high as if this was something to be proud of.
They had both lose their damn minds.

“This isn’t funny.”

“It’s not meant to be funny.” Nan stressed. “This is your safety and if you only knew . . .” her eyes flickered with an emotion that I did not recognize.

I did, however, recognize the expression on her face, regret. She was hiding something.

“If I knew what?” my left brow twitched.

“Nothing,” answered Mitzi from her place beside Nan, covering for her.

“It’s not, nothing. If it were nothing, Nan wouldn’t look like someone had just walked in on her dressing. So can someone tell me what’s going on? Because if you guys don’t tell me what’s going on. I'm going to . . . hmm . . . I'm going to tell Grandpa that you’re sending Mitzi to spy on me!” it was a childish threat, I knew that, but it was the only threat I had.

“Go to your room,” ordered Nan.

I threw my hands in there. “I think I’ll find Grandpa instead.”

“EMILIA ROSE RENNER!”

I ignored her screams as I bolted up the stairs to their bedroom. This was getting out of hand. Way to out of hand for me to be able to cast it as nothing more than her being a worried grandmother. She needed to just relax because she can’t control the world around her. No one can.

“Grandpa, are you up?” I asked as I knocked on the door.

There was shuffling coming from the other side. It was followed by slow footsteps that grew louder.

“Emilia?” his eyes were full of sleep, voice groggy. “Is everything alright?”

“Not really, no.”

The sleep vanished, it was replaced with worry. “What happened? Are you alright? Is your Nan alright?”

“I'm fine, but I think Nan and Mitzi might have lost their minds.”

“Oh dear, told you to ignore them, sometimes women with money like to plot nonsense. They’re probably just discussing what a gazebo would look like in the back or something of that nature.”

“Trust me, if it was a gazebo or something random like that, I’d be fine but they want to send Mitzi to Hogwarts with me.”

“They what?” there was a hint of amusement in his voice.

“They want to send Mitzi to Hogwarts so that she can keep an eye on me.”

“But that’s absolutely ridiculous.” Grandpa exclaimed. “They can’t be serious about that.”

“Sadly, they are. I tried talking to them about it but they’re determined.”

“Well it’s not happening. I’ll see to that myself. Now, where are they?”

“Living room, but they might have taken their plotting somewhere else since I told them I was going to tell you what was going on.”

They had taken their plotting somewhere else. It had been relocated to the kitchen and the moment that Nan laid eyes on Grandpa, she set down the kettle that she had been filling with water and placed a hand on her hip.

“I take it she told you,” Nan stated calmly.

Grandpa nodded. “She did, but what I don’t understand is why I had to hear it from her, instead of you.”

“Because it wasn’t any of your business,” Nan stated simply.

“Emilia is my business, anything to do with her has to do with me so don’t think you and Mitzi get to make all the decisions. I get a word to.”

“So, do I,” I added.

“Yes, indeed,” agreed Grandpa. “So does Emilia. It is her life, after all.”

“Then you agree with her?” Nan was getting ready to fight; she was in the stance which warned everyone around her, that she was not in the mood to discuss anything.

Grandpa puffed his chest, getting in his own stance. “Full heartedly. I think it’s foolish to send Mitzi to take care of her when she’s going to school.”

“But Hogwarts is dangerous. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

“Of course I remember! They were my children to but I'm not going to deny Emilia of enjoying her youth just because I'm afraid I might lose her.”

“You’re a bloody hypocrite!” Nan bellowed. “You’re the one that told her she couldn’t join the Order.”

“I did, I won’t deny that, but just because I don’t want her to join the Order, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want her to enjoy her time at Hogwarts. For Merlin’s sake! She’s a teenager, she needs to be able to have fun without looking over her shoulder to see if Mitzi or you are there keeping an eye on her.”

“If she has to be looking over her shoulder, then I don’t think the fun she’ll be having is the sort f fun she should.” Nan argued.

Grandpa’s face contorted into one of annoyance. “Why are you so bloody stubborn?”

“Because unlike you, I want her to be safe!” she snapped, clearly not caring about his feeling.

The annoyance gave way to anger. Her words had pushed him over the edge. “You can smother Emilia all you want but that’s never going to change the fact that Dom and Addie are dead!”

What happened next was uncalled for, but completely expected.

She smacked him.

Smacked him and stormed out.

In all the years that I’d been alive, I had never seen Nan as angry as she was then. She looked like she was ready to kill poor Grandpa which wasn’t fair since she’d been the one that provoked him. She’d been cruel with her words, but apparently she was the only one that could be mean. No one else had that right in her eyes.

“I'm so sorry. I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut,” I rambled awkwardly as I inspected Grandpa’s face. “This is my fault.”

“This was going to happen sooner or later.”

“You mean you had that slap coming?”

“Oh yes,” he joked. “But seriously, don’t worry about this. Your Nan’s just going through a rough phase right now, Mitzi to, but they’ll be alright.”

“Are you sure? They seemed really upset.”

“And it’s only natural for them to be upset. You’ve been the child in their life all these years and your leaving isn’t easy on them, it reminds them of when your parents moved out.” He wrapped his right arm around my shoulder. “But it’ll be fine and I promise that Mitzi won’t follow you to Hogwarts, even if it means getting a black eye or two. Now, go finish packing, I’ll be around to help in a bit since your Nan won’t be letting me sleep in the room tonight.”

“Alright then, I’ll make you a coffee and take some cookies for you.”

Grandpa wrinkled his nose in disgust. “I may have lived in America for years, but I still prefer a spot of tea over coffee so be a dear and make me tea instead.”

“Got it, now go talk to Nan and try not to get killed.”

The warm drinks were soon fixed and I was inside my bedroom where I was struggling to finish packing. This was in part due to the fact that I had a horrible tendency of packing to much. I always packed things that I didn’t really need and in an attempt to combat that, I had gathered what I would take to Hogwarts a week in advance and during the course of the week, had taken to removing a few things from the pile everyday. I had foolishly thought that by chucking things daily, I would be able to cut my items to a reasonable amount. I hadn’t. There was a still a mountain of books, clothes, and other miscellaneous items that needed to be packed and I had no room in the trunk.

“This is taking forever,” I muttered angrily as I became overwhelmed by the mess. “There’s no way this is all going to fit and I can’t take anything out anymore. I’ve already sorted through everything a million times. This is such a fucking mess.” clumps of dark brown curls were tugged by my right hand. “How the fuck am I going to do this?”

“You could start by not cursing.” Grandpa’s voice drifted towards me from his place at the door, it held a hint of amusement.

“Sorry, I know I'm not supposed to curse but look at this mess! It’s ridiculous and it won’t fit in this trunk!”

“That’s because that trunks not enchanted, this one,” he dragged a medium sized trunk into the room, “is. And everything will fit inside so come on, take out what you put inside that one and we’ll get sorting on this one.”

“Where’d you get that trunk?”

“My den,” he ran his hand against the lid, letting it linger on the wood. “It was mine when I was a boy, before that my father’s and it only makes sense that you have it.”

“Shouldn’t you give it to Luke or one of the boys?”

“If I was going to give it to one of my sons, I would’ve done that already but I want you to have it. I think my father would approve.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Say that you’ll try to take care of it.”

“I’ll try but I make no promises.”

Packing wasn’t as bad as it had been the first time around. It was all thanks to the trunk which somehow managed to fit everything that I’d set aside for school and there was still room for more. That extra space made me want to throw more stuff into the trunk, but I managed to talk myself out of that. By two in the morning, the packing had been completed and I curled up on the couch in my room so that Grandpa could take the bed. He argued that he ought to sleep on the couch, but he’s old and I wasn’t about to let him hurt his back by sleeping on the couch. Old people need good beds to sleep on.

That night there were no dreams to entertain me as I slept. I simply fell asleep and hours later woke up to the sound of my bright pink alarm clock blasting music. Grandpa tried to silence it. He failed miserably and ended up throwing it against the wall.

“What’d you do that for?” I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

“It wouldn’t stop making that bloody noise.”

“That’s because you didn’t press the right button. Geez Grandpa, I expect that behavior from myself but not from you.”

Grandpa smirked. “Where do you think you got that bloody behavior if not from me?”

“Ah, very true,” I sat up on the couch. “Do you know what time the clock said it was? I forgot what time I set it to last night.”

“It said nine so you better get ready. I'm sure your Nan won’t want to be kept waiting.”

“That reminds me. Do you think she’s still mad?”

“Most likely fuming, but the moment she sees the trunk in your hand, she’s going to forget that she’s mad and be all affectionate. Then she’ll remember once you leave, but you’ll be safe by then, I’ll be the one that gets the black eyes” Grandpa teased.

“That’s not funny!”

“I know, I know, but couldn’t resist teasing you.” Grandpa ruffled my tangled curls. “Now go get dressed, we don’t want to be yelled at this early,” that said, he left.

With him gone, I grabbed the clothes that I had left on the vanity and headed over to the bathroom where I would take a much needed shower. The warm water cascaded down my skin as I pranced around in the shower, singing out of tune at an absurd volume. Once I finished showering, I threw on the clothes and applied a bit of make up.

At a little before ten, I was dragging the trunk down the hallway so that I could get it to the living room and catch a quick breakfast. There was no way in hell that I was going to get on the Hogwarts Express without having eaten breakfast and had my coffee, because I'm an irritable bitch when I haven’t had my coffee.

“Morning,” I greeted when I entered the living room.

“Morning,” Nan responded, her eyes not bothering to look my way. “There’s some breakfast on the stove for you. Try to eat it quickly, we’re running late.”

“But it’s barely ten,” I placed the trunk near the main entry. “The train doesn’t get going till like eleven.”

“True, but we need to get there, you need to find a compartment to sit in and you have to get settled before the train starts moving so we’re running late and we’re leaving at 10:15 so you might want to hurry up.”

10:15 was seven minutes away. So I did the only thing a starving teenager would do. I ran to the kitchen, fixed a coffee and proceeded to stuff my face with the food that Nan had left on a plate for me. There was a moment when I honestly thought I was going to choke. Thankfully I had the coffee to wash it down with.

“Emilia! Hurry up!” bellowed Nan from the living room.

“Coming!” I shouted while I threw the dirty plates into the sink and booked it to the living room. “I'm good to go.”

“Alright, you know the drill, you’re traveling with Mitzi and your grandfather’s taking the trunk. Have you said bye to everyone?”

I nodded.

“Good, then go with Mitzi.”

A few seconds later, we had traveled to a bathroom in Kings Cross Station. It was at that point that Mitzi climbed into my bag so that the muggles wouldn’t see her. We then left the bathroom stall and wandered outside where Nan and Grandpa stood waiting for us. Grandpa had placed the trunk atop a trolley and Nan was in charge of pushing it.

I trailed behind them as we walked through the station, only speaking when Nan ran into a wall and vanished. I knew that that was Platform 9 ¾. I had heard about it and about how one got into it, but seeing it in person freaked me out about so after regaining my composure, I made a run for it.

When I reemerged on the other side, I was amazed.

There were families scattered all across the Platform. Some mothers looked like they were ready to burst into tears while the fathers stared at them, unsure of what to do. It was absolutely glorious to me. I loved people watching and seeing their different behaviors.

“This is amazing,” I whispered in awe.

“It is,” agreed Grandpa. “And it’s only going to get better. Hogwarts is infinitely more magic than your school in America and you’re going to love it, but do remember to not misbehave too much and mind your manners. Oh! And remember to do the readings.”

“I will,” I smiled at him reassuringly. “And I’ll even promise to keep myself safe.”

“You better because if I hear that you get hurt or that any bad happens to you, I’ll tell your Nan and Mitzi that it’s alright for them to spy.”

“Not rad Grandpa, not rad at all.” I hugged him tightly. “I’ll write you as soon as I can.”

“You better, and remember to tell us where you get in.” he squeezed me tighter.

I pulled away from the hug. “It’s going to be Gryffindor.”

“Let’s hope so.”

I walked away from Grandpa and moved towards Nan whose eyes were already brimming with tears.

“You’re going to write, aren’t you?” she asked softly, her voice cracking with emotion.

“Three or four times a week.” I told her. “And sometimes even more.”

“I’ll be looking forward to them. Oh, Millie,” Nan took me into her arms, burying her face on my shoulder. “I don’t like that you’re leaving.”

“Just going to school, I'm not going anywhere crazy or anyplace that you should worry about.”

“I know, I know, but I worry. I don’t like having you far from me.”

“It’ll just be a few months and then I’ll be annoying you with my horrible singing in the winter. Now hug me tighter, I have a train to catch.”

Nan chuckled halfheartedly. “Take care of yourself and remember that I love you.”

“Love you to,” I sealed the goodbye with a kiss to the cheek.

Standing atop the trunk was a frantic looking Mitzi.

“Mitzi does not think that Millie should go to Hogwarts alone. Mitzi should go.”

“And I think that you should stay at home with Nan, she’s going to need you more than me.”

“Millie won’t miss Mitzi?” Mitzi whimpered, her bottom limp trembling violently as she stared at me with her big brown eyes, waiting for a response.

“I'm going to miss you a lot, but Nan needs you so stay with her and keep her company. And when I come home, I promise that we’ll spend loads of time together. Okay?”

“Okay.” Mitzi jumped on me, wrapped her arms around my neck.

Mitzi eventually let me go and I stumbled into the Hogwarts Express with my trunk in tow. I walked down the corridor, trying to find an empty compartment where I could sit or a familiar face. I found neither so I kept walking until I reached the very last compartment. It was abandoned, most likely because it was next to the restrooms but I didn’t care. It was a place to relax.

I was alone for a good while before someone stumbled inside.

“I told you she was in here!” bellowed Jade. “We’ve been looking all over for you! Went fucking compartment by compartment but I knew we’d find you! Now get your stuff so you can come to our compartment, it has a better location and seats!”

“But I'm so comfortable on the floor,” I complained.

“Quit being lazy and get your ass up.”

I did as I was told and followed her to the compartment towards the front of the train where she and Chey had set up camp. We stayed for most of the train ride. I only left once when Ron found me and invited me to go sit with him for awhile. I didn’t stay long. I felt it was rude to leave Chey and Jade since we were plotting what songs we were going to play in the common room that night.

Hours later, the train pulled into Hogsmeade and the first years – me included – were separated from the others. We were to travel to Hogwarts via boat instead of carriage. Some of the first years were scared about falling in, I wasn’t because the moment that I saw the glowing light emanating from the castle, I couldn’t think of anything other than getting there and getting sorted.

Upon our arrival at Hogwarts, they lined the first years up. I was kept at the end which ended up being a pain since I had to stand there for well over an hour before my name was called and when it was called, I had to stop myself from running to the stool and throwing the hat atop my own head. Thankfully I showed restraint and calmly walked towards the stool. I sat down and the elderly witch placed the tattered hat atop my head.

“Ah, a Renner, I was wondering when I would next sort one . . . shall I sort you into Gryffindor and call it a day? Oh . . .”

“What do you mean, oh?” I asked it, growing afraid by its tone.

“You should do well in Gryffindor. Play the part that you have been made for but another shall help you thrive and overcome anything thrown your way . . . ah yes, you are an ambitious one, with dreams larger than others your age, strong, and resourceful . . . I know exactly where to put you.”

“Say Gryffindor . . .” I ordered, not caring if the witch beside me heard.

“You were destined for more than Gryffindor can give . . .”

“I don’t want more.” At this point, I was full on panicking. “I –“

“SLYTHERIN!”