Never Let Go

There was a part of her that hoped Ron would apologize for having been such a prat. He’d been the instigator, the one that had blown things out of proportions and the one that had blown up on her worse than he ever had in the past. Sure, she recognized that she was partly to blame, that it was hard on him to be kept a secret, especially with his insecurities having a habit of getting the best of him, but that was just the way things had to be. Their relationship had to be kept a secret in order for her to get closer to Draco. The last time they’d discussed it, Ron had been alright with it. Was he thrilled by the idea? Of course not, but he understood why things had to be that way, and over the course of their relationship, he acted like it didn’t bother him, which was why she was so taken aback by his outburst.

She’d attempted to minimize the situation by making Ron see things from Draco’s perspective, but none of that had worked. He refused to acknowledge her points, and eventually, her frustration got the best of her, she succumbed to her feelings and found herself shouting at him, just as he’d been shouting at her. She knew as she was screaming that no good would come of it, but he’d hurt her, and her mind demanded that she hurt him in return. That was one of the downsides of being a teenager, the mind isn’t all that mature, it acts like it is, makes a person feel that they’ve really got a grasp on things, that they’re old enough to make their own decisions, but then feelings get hurt, then they go on and act like idiots.

If she could take it back, she wouldn’t have called him a wanker, but she couldn’t take it back. They’d gotten into their first official fight as a couple, and now they just had to see how that was going to be fixed. The last time they’d fought, she’d been the one that made the first move, but this time she was determined not to. Ron had started the fight. Ron had to be the first to apologize.

And Ron knew that. He knew that he had to apologize to her, but the problem was that he was embarrassed. He couldn’t believe that he let himself be carried away by his insecurities. She didn’t care about money. He knew that, he’d always known that, but sometimes, when he saw her with Draco, when they laughed or smiled at each other, all he could think was that that was the sort of people she was meant to surround herself with, not exactly Death Eaters, but people with money. And he became self conscious about his family’s financial shortcomings, and whenever he became self conscious about that, he became snappy and argumentative, which was exactly what happened that day with Emilia.

Ever since then, he’d been trying to figure out how to say he was sorry. It shouldn’t have been as big of an issue as Ron was making it out to be. Simply telling her that he felt bad about how things went down would’ve been enough for her, but he was paranoid, he didn’t think she’d accept just any apology. So he fixated and stressed and ended up avoiding her for an entire week. That, of course, didn’t sit well with Emilia. She didn’t take it as Ron being awkward and emotionally immature; she took it as him being an asshole that didn’t want anything to do with her.

Incensed by his active avoidance, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Except she wasn’t going to apologize, she wasn’t going to try to remedy the situation. Oh no. Her pride had been wounded, and she was going to give Ron a piece of her mind. It took a few awhile for her to be able to corner him, but finally, after a particularly long Quidditch practice, she was able to do so.

“Ronald Bilius Weasley!” she bellowed, abandoning her place on the boulder she’d been sitting on. “Don’t you try to walk away from me!” she yelled. “I know you saw me!”

Her yells coupled with his teammates’ snickers, made his entire face flush a violent shade of red. He was in for it. The edge in her voice let him know that she was going to tell him off, and not wanting to have his mates witness the yelling, he told them to bugger off, and then walked towards her.

“Try not to get punched in the face, mate!” yelled Dean, earning a chuckle from Ginny. “Or else I reckon you’ll end up lookin’ like Harry did!”

“Piss off, ya wanker!” was Ron’s response.

Ron lifted his right arm into the air, and shot Dean the two-fingered salute, earning a burst of laughter from the small crowd of Gryffindors. He then cursed under his breath, lowering his arm back to its original position, and returned his attention to Emilia. She was glaring at him, a harsh, cold glare reminiscent of ones Malfoy had shot at him in the past. It was unsettling how much she reminded him of the ferret when she was angry. The warmth vanished from her eyes and was replaced by a coldness that had anger simmering beneath the surface, her nostrils flared, and she tilted her head slightly to the right, as if getting ready to strike. That was Draco’s look. Ron hated seeing it on her face. He hated it so much that he was half tempted to just pop on his broom and fly off somewhere to avoid being told off and seeing her like that. He’d be able to delay the telling off just awhile longer, but he knew doing so was out of the question, it would only make things worse.

So he took deep breaths and closed the distance between them. Only a few more yards before she could talk at a normal level and he could hear, just a few more feet before he was standing directly in front of her, just a few short steps before their faces were mere inches from each other, but he didn’t close that distance, it was best to keep some space between them. A foot of separation was good, it allowed him to move quickly if need be.

“Emi . . .” he broke the silence, his voice sounding like that of a stranger.

“Don’t you fucking call me that, Ronald Weasley!” she bellowed, her grey eyes narrowed in disdain. “Where the fuck do you get off ignoring me for an entire week? You’re the one that started the damn fight and yet you have the guts to ignore me. Who does that? What kind of a person storms off and then doesn’t anything at all for an entire week?! And it wasn’t just you not talking to me. It was you running off in a different direction whenever I got near you. That’s not right, Ronald! It’s rude as hell!”

“I . . . I . . .” he failed to find the right words.

“You what?” she snapped.

“I'm sorry!” he blurted out, flinching slightly, as if she were about to smack him.

The corner of her eyes began to twitch. “Sorry?” she repeated. “You’re sorry?”

“Well, yeah, I am.”

One week of actively ignoring her, and he just shouted that he was sorry. The nerve of him! He should have apologized earlier in the week, been the one that sought her out to make amends, but no, she’d been the one that searched for him, she’d been the one that cornered him and the first thing he did was apologize. Had he done it just to appease her? Did he actually mean it? She hadn’t a clue. And despite him saying precisely what she’d wanted to hear from him, the rage burning within refused to be satisfied, and in her fit of anger, she grabbed a handful of snow off the ground, and flung it at him.

“Oi!” he shouted, ducking just in time to avoid being hit in the face by the makeshift snowball. “What was that for?”

“For being such a wanker!” she cried, grabbing another one. “You spent a week ignoring me – a WEEK! And now, I just corner you and you fucking apologize. That’s not right!”

“But I thought you’d –”

“I was going mad worrying about what you were thinking. If you were even thinking about me and you just . . . ah, you’re so bloody frustrating!” Again, she slung the snow at him. “You’re a child. And I'm a child! And we’re both fucking ridiculous, but you’re more ridiculous than me. At least I can admit I'm ridiculous, but not you. You just stomp off and ignore people. But you can’t do that to people. That’s not right!”

“I know it’s not!” he bellowed, stepping closer, so their faces were mere inches from one another.

“Then why’d you do it?” she questioned, gruffly.

“Because I'm rubbish!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “I'm no good at this sort of thing. You know that. You’ve always known about me! I'm no good at apologizing. Even when I want to, I can’t bloody figure out how to do it.”

“It’s not hard. All you have to do is say you’re sorry.”

“I'm no good at that, though.”

“You just apologized a few minutes ago.”

“Yeah, but, see I reckon it was cuz you were just standing there. When I try making sense of it, I end up . . . well, I get . . . I think it too much. And then I don’t want to do it, cuz I don’t like doing it.”

“No one likes saying they’re sorry.” She declared. “But you do it because you don’t want the other person being mad at you and because you don’t want to see them mad!”

“That doesn’t always work though. Does it? I apologized to you, and you’re still off your rocker!”

Her eyes narrowed further.

“Sorry!” he cried. “Didn’t mean that, it just sort of came out, please don’t be mad. I'm sorry, really, I am.”

“That’s the problem with you. You’re always just blurting out the wrong things. You’ve a habit of being an asshole. And most of the time, I can overlook it, because that’s just how you are. You don’t think things through. You don’t think of the impact your words will have, but that’s bullshit. I shouldn’t have to be making excuses for you. I shouldn’t have to . . .” she let out a weary sigh.

“Shouldn’t have to what?” he questioned.

“I shouldn’t have to lay awake at night, worrying about us. There are people out there that want us dead. There’s a war going on out there, and people that are constantly trying to get into Hogwarts to ruin things. That’s why there’s Aurors stationed her 24/7. And I have –” she was about to let slip about the lessons she had with Snape, about the prophecy, but she caught herself before she let any information go. “I don’t know. I’ve had a crush on you for awhile. And we’ve been best friend for years, and yeah there was a time when we didn’t see each other like at all, but I . . . I still thought about you, and when we started going out, I was so excited because I fancy you. And I thought this would be great and all, but now . . . now I think we made a mistake.”

“What?” he asked, quietly.

“I . . . I think we were better off as friends.” She stated, her bottom lip trembling. “I think it would’ve been better if we held off on this for a few years, for when we were ready.”

“But we are ready!”

“No, we’re not. You can’t apologize. How can a person be in a relationship if they can’t apologize and if every single time they do something wrong, they ignore the other person? And I . . . I'm always getting into trouble and I'm in detention, and I'm following Draco around, and I don’t have enough time to give you. And you resent me for that. And I feel bad that I can’t be a better girlfriend, but I just . . . I can’t be that, not right now. Maybe in a few years when we’re older, and we can actually have relationships we can do this again, and do it right, but right now, we’re both . . .”

“But you fancy me.”

“I do.”

“And I fancy you,” he said, confused by her logic. “Look, I reckon I’ve been a prat, but I’ve not done this before. You’re my first girlfriend and I'm learning my way through this, but you’ve got to be patient with me. I'm not gonna get it right all the time.”

“I know you’re not. And I don’t expect you to always do things right, but I expect you to have the decency to admit when you’ve messed up.”

“I can do that.” He took her hands in his, staring directly into those grey orbs. “Just give me a chance. I won’t muck it up.”

Those blue eyes had a power over her unlike any other. They had the power to make her forget how much of an idiot he’d been, how upset he’d made her, and they had the ability to make her forgive him. And as she stared at them, she knew she’d cave if she kept looking into them. She could feel her resolve slipping, just a few more seconds and he’d be forgiven, just a few more and they’d be back to normal, but before that time could pass, she averted her gaze. As much as she wanted to believe that he’d be better, she knew he wouldn’t. Ron wasn’t ready to grow up, not like that. He was emotionally immature and not well suited for an actual relationship. They both had tempers that often clashed. She had too much on her plate; lessons that needed mastering, Draco whom needed following, and Harry that would require her protection. She couldn’t be with Ron. Not right now. It wouldn’t be fair to him. It wouldn’t be fair to her. So she looked away and quietly told him that it was better if they were just friends. And Ron tried to make things better, he went off on a ramble, she didn’t understand any of what he said, but at the end of it, he kissed her deeply, desperately trying to make her reconsider, but there was no reconsidering her decision. The timing just wasn’t right.