Lives Were Ruined Here

“How long has it been?” I asked my older brother as we both stared at the charred remains of the building.

“I don’t know. Two, three years.” he verified, not moving forward. He stared intently towards our old home. “You know I don’t know.”

“Do you even think anything is still in there?”

“What the fuck do you think? You think anything is still fuckin left?” he mocked, grinding his teeth. His gaze never left the house that was once white. The house that once stood tall, looming over head.

I sighed, shoving my hands in my pockets, “You first.” I whispered, waiting for him to lead the way. “Please Brayden.” I said, gently pushing him forward. With his head hanging low he grudgingly walked up our walk way and hesitantly opened the faded blue door.

“We’ll paint it blue and then maybe something will be calm,” my mother’s voice rang in my head. I bit my lip to bite back tears as I followed my brother into the building, keeping my eyes to the ground so he couldn’t see that I was crying. Again.

“Why would you paint it blue? That’s so dumb.” Brayden would always mock.

“It’ll be pretty,” she would chirp back, a huge smile on her face as she patted him on the dead, messing up his dark brown hair.

“Mara, would you hurry up?” Brayden asked as he slowly walked into the living room. I walked faster trying to catch up with him, running straight into his back. Slowly, I looked up and saw that nothing was burnt in here. I gasped, and pushed my brother out of the way, walking into our living room. I ran my fingers along our old couch, dust flew up from where my fingers had been. My eyes shut as I thought back to before the fire. Before my life was ruined.

Brayden and I sitting on the couch, a movie on the screen. Our father sitting in his old leather chair to the left of us, his feet up and a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Our mother in the chair to our right. A tired smile on her face as she tried to concentrate on the movie. But I knew she straining to hear the cries of Cassie.

“What the hell?” Brayden said, looking up towards the stairs. “I swear I just heard Cassie crying.”

“Oh shut up Brayden.” I said, giving him a dirty look. “you’re not going to fool me!”

“I’m being serious.” he answered, blinking towards me.

My heart clenched as I returned to the thoughts of the family that I had lost, I ran my fingers against the old tv, wiping the dust off the screen. Then, I made my way to our fireplace. The mantel was filled with pictures. School pictures, family portraits, silly pictures, pictures of extended family. I lightly touched the frame of my mother and Cassie when Cassie was first born. Tears slid down my face as I dusted it off.

“Take it.” Brayden said. “Take all of the pictures. I want all of the pictures.” he finally moved into the room and handed me the bag. Carefully, I started to put all of the picture frames into the plastic bag.

“I can’t believe that the fire didn’t even touch here.” I whispered to him when the last one was in the bag. Brayden just shrugged before tying the plastic shut.

“Let’s go.” he grumbled, turning his back to me and walking towards the stairs. I took one quick look around our living room before following him up the stairs. “Careful Mara.” he warned as we started to climb them.

I held onto the railing until it became charred and burnt, making me drop my hand to my side while I held back a sob. The stairs creaked loudly as we stepped onto them, almost giving out on the new found weight. The weight of the children that once lived here. The children who’s lives were ruined here.

“Mara, let’s go to your room first.” Brayden ordered, turning to his left. The walls were almost completely black, the pictures cracked, some on the floor.

I heard my old bedroom door open with a squeak and Brayden call my name before I followed him. I looked around my old bedroom and sighed. Barely anything was left. A few stuffed animals that were close to the window, my old book bag, a few of the stick on pink and purple flowers that clung to the wall and the drapes. Tears flooded down my cheeks as Brayden walked in and grabbed the stuffed animals and put them in a plastic bag.

“I don’t want them.” I cried, trying to pull the plastic away from him.

“Mara, knock it off!” he yelled, holding the bag away from me. “We’re taking anything we can before they tear the damn place down. Grow up.” I wiped the tears from my eyes and glared at him before turning my heel and leaving my room and entering his. The entire room as black, burnt, dust. “Shit.” Brayden gasped from behind me.

He pushed past and walked in, kicking a few things with his foot, before finally accepting that nothing of his could be saved. I sat back and watched as he slowly fell down to his knees and shoved his face in his hands. I waited silently until I heard him sobbing before I walked over to him and gently placed my hand on his shoulder. “Don’t fucking touch me Mara.” he hissed, shoving me off.

“Brayden how many times have I told you not to swear?” I hear my mother’s voice call out. I ignored it.

“Look who needs to grow up now!” I seethed, sending him another glare.

“Oh just shut up.” he said, standing up.

“No!” I yelled. “I’m sick of having to shut up all the time. You don’t have any say in what I do.”

“Just be quiet and go to mom and dad’s room.” he said, pushing past me.

“You mean their old room? Or did you forget that they fucking died here?” I yelled, causing him to turn around.

“How could I forget?” he asked, “I’m not dumb.”

I shook my head “No, you just didn’t like your family.”

“Oh, so it’s this again?” he asked, “Yeah, I was barely around. Whatever. I’m here for you now.” he walked towards me.

“Why weren’t you there?!” I screamed, shoving him away from me. “You could have saved them Brayden! Mom and Dad would still be alive! Cassie! How could…how could you let them die?”

“It’s not my fault!” he yelled, “I’m not the one to blame for this! I didn’t start the fucking fire Mara!”

I let my eyes turn into slits. “You could have been here to save them.”

“Why didn’t you save them?” he shot back.

“I was eight and trapped in my room!” I yelled, throwing my hands into the air.

“Yeah, and I wouldn’t have been? Look at it! There’s nothing left.”

“You were closer to them. You could have ran out and woken up Mom and Dad, grabbed Cassie. We would all still be here. Why weren’t you here?” I sobbed.

“Mara, come on.” He whispered grabbing my arms and pulling me to his chest. “I know. I know honey. I should have been here, things might have been different if I were, but I could be dead also.” I sniffled and stopped myself from crying.

Loosing Brayden too? I hadn’t thought of that.

I allowed him to lead me down to our parents room and stood there while he quickly went through the drawers and their closet.

“Mommy, I had a bad dream.” my little voice cried out.

“Oh honey, come lay down in Mommy and Daddy’s bed, then the bad dreams can’t get you.” I climbed into her bed and lay in between my parents. My mom pulled me to her chest and stroked my hair, softly singing in my ear. “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..” I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off.

“Mara, did you hear that?” Brayden asked, his eyes were wide as he stood frozen in the middle of the room.

“Hear what?” I asked, looking around the room.

“It sounded like Mom singing.” he answered, looking towards their burnt bed. “Signing that stupid sunshine song. This is starting to freak me out. Could you get over here and help me with this shit?”

I bit my lip, “How could it have been Mom? She’s dead.” Brayden flinched at the harshness of my voice and continued to rummage through our parents dresser while I took the chest near the closet, trying to save whatever the fire didn’t take from us.

“Want to try Cassie’s room?” Brayden asked as he tied off another bag.

I shrugged in reply and turned out of the room. “Hope you don’t plan on finding anything in there.” I called over my shoulder.

I didn’t even have to turn the door handle, I just pushed a little on the black door and it fell to the ground.

My heart clenched as I looked inside. Cassie’s crib was nothing but a pile of black ashes in the middle of the floor.

“Remember when we helped mom and dad get this room ready?” Brayden questioned from behind me.

I sat silently behind Brayden, watching as his hand steadily painted trees that were reflecting in a small lake. My mother was on the other side of the room putting stuffed animals on a shelf, her free hand resting on top of her large stomach.

“Mara, would you be a dear and help me with the clothes?” my father asked me, causing me to jerk my head into his direction. I nodded my head, and quickly got up from my spot on the floor. I took some of the pink onesies and folded them up before gently placing them into a drawer. My father looked down at me, smiling was he watched me help get my little sister’s room ready. I grinned up at him before folding the last of the clothes.

I could feel the tears in my eyes as I slowly wandered into Cassie’s room. The walls were blackened, none of the paint work that Brayden had one was left. The once purple curtains weren’t over the windows anymore. I sniffled and allowed Brayden to pull me back into his arms.

“Sorry Mara.” he whispered, holding me while I openly cried onto his chest. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

I just shook my head and gently pushed him away. “It’s okay. At least I have you.” I whispered, pulling my arms around my middle, trying to give myself comfort. I felt Brayden’s hand on my back and I quickly looked up at him. “Can we just get out of here?” I whispered.

“Yeah, let’s go.” he said, dropping his hand and turning around to grab the black plastic bag. “Hey, this isn’t burnt.” his voice sounded, I turned to look down at the ground where a faded gray teddy bear sat.

I gasped and pushed his arm away from it. “Don’t. Don’t touch it.” I said, my eyes wide.

“What’s wrong with you Mara?” he grumbled, turning around to look at me. “Are you okay?”

“Brayden…” I opened my mouth but the words just wouldn’t form. He went to grab the teddy bear again but I pushed him away. “Cassie was buried with that!” I screamed, causing him to freeze.

“What?” he asked after a moment.

“I remember, Aunt Lilly found it in the living room, thought it’d be nice for her. Cassie was buried with that.” I said, my knees and voice shaking.

“Let’s get out of here.” Brayden said, quickly standing up. He reached back and grabbed my forearm before pulling me down the stairs and out the front door. He gently shoved me down the old steps so that he could pause to lock the front door and then follow me back across the street.

I walked around his car, tears falling from my eyes. I took one last look up at the house and stopped at my parents window before letting out a loud scream. I felt dizzy before grabbing the car.

“Mara! Mara what’s wrong?” Brayden asked, running around the car and holding onto me so that I wouldn’t fall over, but all I could do was point to my parent’s old bedroom window and let his gaze fall upon what I was seeing.

Our parents standing there, smiles on their faces. My mom holding onto our little Cassie who was clinging to her teddy bear and our dad waving to us. Before disappearing completely.