Spinning Insanity

Tonight we sign up for room mates for Florida

Last night was the first time I cried that hard in a long time

The one thing I truly love besides music are horses

I love them

If we weren't leasing 2 of them and if I didn't have my dogs and cat I would have already run away

Is it sad that that's the only thing keeping me here?

The horses names are Martha and Seeker

They are both quarter horses

I do gaming and speed with them

I love the rush and the danger of it

Each time I get close to running away I think about them and realize that I can't runaway from them

They didn't do anything to deserve that

But if they weren't there and my pets weren't there...

I would have left along time ago

So when my bird passed away a year ago and my mom asked if I wanted another one

I refused

I told her it would be to painful

But really it's so that I have less attachments and so I can leave sooner

That's what I'm worried about most when I turn 18

Almost all of my pets and the horses will be alive

I can't leave them

But I also can't take them with me...

That's why I may revise my plan a bit and only go to England for a year then go to California

Then I could make trips back and visit them secretly

The woman kelly, who leases them out to me is a good friend

She is more of a mother figure

I wish she was my mom

Her daughter is Sarah, committed suicide 2 years ago.

I might tell Kelly I'm coming to visit her horses

She understands things like this

She's more free and willing

She let's me have fun

The thoughts of running away drive me crazy

They are overwhelming

They are urges

There have been moments where I just had to sneak out at night and take a walk around the block just to satisfy my mind

Writing all of this makes me think

I think about how I probably don't need to run away but just get away

I wish I could just tell everyone that I'll be back in a couple of years don't ask where I'm going I'll be fine

But everyone would flip a shit and ask why and I could make something up

But they would see right through it

And I can't tell them face to face I have to let them read this

They might force me to stay if I tell them I'm leaving

I need to runaway or I will live the rest of my life going insane and wondering what my life would be like If I did go away

I also think about how if anything ever happened to my parents I would be sent to live with my godmother my aunt Amy

I love her and everything but I would choose foster care over staying with family

I need to be with people who don't know me

People who haven't had 15 years to judge me and make assumptions

I want to meet people on pure coincidence not because they are family friends or because we go to the same school, like similar things, and have the same enemy's.

I want to make my own life based on my life

Not the life my mom tells everyone about

I don't want a forced life

If I walk into a coffe shop in England or Cali and some guy or girl comes up and says "I like the book your reading" or "I love your band tee" then we could be friends and it would be casual and open, not forced.

Either one of us could refuse and we could walk away and never have the awkwardness of seeing each other again.

Or no one could come up to me and I could make no friends

Which I would be fine with

I am not afraid to walk this world alone

Just as long as I have music I will always have someone to talk to