Spinning Insanity

I was thinking and today February 20th is the anniversary of the day I almost killed myself.

One year ago.

It was a normal day

Until my mom asked where my report card was

She called the school to ask when they were sending them out

She said I embarrassed her because report cards had been given out 2 weeks before hand.

I had hidden it because I got a C and a D in 2 classes.

later in the night the tension between me and my mom made the invisible strings inside me snap

She brought up my grades, my behavior, that I needed to go out more, to get off my ass, to stop lying, to take responsibility for shit.

She just kept yelling

She kept telling me everything I've done wrong

All the times I got in trouble when I was little

How my grades were never up to her standards

How I never behaved

She started yelling "you know your right I'm just a bad mom, I'm a poor excuse for one!"

She brought up things from my past

She kept saying "where did i go Wrong?"

As soon as I started crying she turned off the tv and went up stairs.

I sat on the floor and rocked back and forth in the dark and the silence for an hour

I started thinking

I really was never a good kid

Somethings wrong with me

I should just make life easier for everyone

They shouldn't have to deal with me

I shouldn't have thought

They say people who commit suicide don't think

Well they're wrong they think too much.

I stood up and went to the medicine cabinet

I grabbed an empty pill bottle and filled it with random pills

Asprin

Ibuprofen

Seizure meds

Alergy meds

I grabbed a knife and took it all up to my room

I laid in my bed

Knife in one hand

Pills in the other

But my music was still on from earlier.

I sat up when "Desert Song" by MCR came on

I started sobbing.

Thinking how the hell could I let them down

All the fans and the band

They work so hard to help you

And I was gonna throw it away

I was just staring at my life

I wasn't doing anything about it

I stood up and put the pills and knife inside the "Scene It Harry Potter" game box

I cried the most I ever had in my life

Ever since then I cry a lot (I think I explained that in a previous entry)

The pills and knife are still there

I think I'm gonna leave them there for mother to find in 3 years when she reads this.