Easier Than Telling the Truth
i still stand here holding up the roof.
“Daddy, when is Alex going to come back?”
Jack glances sideways at the seven year old boy sitting in the dining chair opposite him. There’s an empty place set out with all the appropriate items between them. It’s been like that for five years.
“I don’t know, Nathan. I don’t know.”
He’s not coming back.
Jack remembers like it was yesterday. Nathan was just over two years old. Rian and Zack had been babysitting him, and Alex and Jack had gone out on what was supposed to be a romantic date. Their first in years.
They didn’t factor in a car crash, though.
He remembers coming around in a hospital, white sheets and white walls, with a room full of nurses and family.
“What’s... What’s going on? Where’s Alex?”
His mother looked at his father pitifully for a second, before turning back to her son.
“Oh, honey...”
“Mom, where is he?”
“Jack, honey, baby, you were in a car accident. You and Alex...”
“Mom?” Jack had asked, voice watery and breaking.
“Jack, he didn’t... He didn’t make it. He didn’t even get to the hospital before he died.”
Jack broke.
“Then why? Why am I still here? What reason do I have to still be here?”
As if timed, Rian pushes open the door, holding Nathan to his chest with his other hand. The boy was bright, alert, and when Rian sat him on his lap, the boy reached over and touched his cheek.
“Daddy? Why are you crying?”
Jack bit his lip, and pulls Nathan closer to him. He looks just like Alex.
“Oh, Nathan. I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“Dad?” Nathan asks, one day, looking up from his Calculus homework at Jack.
“Yeah?”
“Rian told me something the other day.”
“Yeah? What’d he tell you?”
“That when I was two, you said to me that you’d tell me why you were crying. And that you still haven’t.”
Nathan stands and moves to sit himself opposite his father.
“So are you going to tell me now, or do I have to wait another thirteen years?”
Jack bites his lip, sighs, and smiles sadly across at the teen.
“You really want to know?”
Nathan nods.
“Well, I guess the first thing you should know is that I’m, technically speaking, not your father. Alex is. And you... You look a lot like he did at fifteen.”
Nathan looks taken aback for a second.
“No, really. The plan... The plan was always for two kids, by the same surrogate but one fathered by Alex and the other by me. As you probably figured, that didn’t work out too well. Alex was... Alex was gone by then.” Jack pauses for a second, swallows and blinks to stop the tears. “Which brings me to the second thing. Alex never left.”
“Then where is he?”
“He... He...” Jack pauses, pushes his fingers roughly through his hair and sighs raggedly. “He died in a car accident when you were two.”
And, wow, that hurt more than he thought it would.
He blinks, and that’s when the tears start. He tugs at his hair and knocks his head down, starting to sob. He hears Nathan move from the chair opposite, and feels his son’s arms around him.
“Oh God, Dad.”
“I-I meant to tell you sooner, I really did, I just... Couldn’t bring myself to just say it. Even though it’s been thirteen years.”
“You still love him, don’t you?” Nathan says, noticing the wedding band on his father’s fingers.
“When you’ve loved someone since you were fourteen, you can’t and don’t just stop.”
Nathan stands then, crosses over to the box beside the TV that’s labelled ‘home movies – Nathan’.
“Can we... Can we watch some of these?”
Jack nods, numbly making his way over to the sofa and watches as the teen pushes the first tape into the machine.
The TV sparks up, picture flickering and old, but Jack still smiles when he sees Alex on screen, holding a one year old Nathan to his chest.
“Nathan, say hi to Uncle Zack.” Alex nodded towards the camera.
Jack laughed in the background, walking over towards his fiancée and his child.
“Alex, he’s one. It’ll be a miracle if he gets out ‘Daddy.’”
“You like to ruin my dreams, don’t you, Jack?” Alex commented, pouting. “You’re lucky I love you.”
And as TV Alex kisses TV Jack, Nathan looks sideways at his father and sees that he’s crying. He reaches out and takes hold of his hand, even though he stopped needing to hold his hand when he was about ten.
“Come on, Dad, it’ll be okay. I swear. You’ve got me now.”
Jack looks at his son pitifully for a second, not even trying to stop the tears, before he presses a kiss to his forehead and sighs.
“You know, when I found out Alex was gone, it took everything in me to not go after him. I was going to, but then there was you and I couldn’t just leave you like that.”
Nathan blinks, almost feeling the tears starting to form.
“I love you, okay, Nathan? Never doubt that, not even for a second.”
“I know. I love you, Dad. And Alex, too.”
Jack glances sideways at the seven year old boy sitting in the dining chair opposite him. There’s an empty place set out with all the appropriate items between them. It’s been like that for five years.
“I don’t know, Nathan. I don’t know.”
He’s not coming back.
Jack remembers like it was yesterday. Nathan was just over two years old. Rian and Zack had been babysitting him, and Alex and Jack had gone out on what was supposed to be a romantic date. Their first in years.
They didn’t factor in a car crash, though.
He remembers coming around in a hospital, white sheets and white walls, with a room full of nurses and family.
“What’s... What’s going on? Where’s Alex?”
His mother looked at his father pitifully for a second, before turning back to her son.
“Oh, honey...”
“Mom, where is he?”
“Jack, honey, baby, you were in a car accident. You and Alex...”
“Mom?” Jack had asked, voice watery and breaking.
“Jack, he didn’t... He didn’t make it. He didn’t even get to the hospital before he died.”
Jack broke.
“Then why? Why am I still here? What reason do I have to still be here?”
As if timed, Rian pushes open the door, holding Nathan to his chest with his other hand. The boy was bright, alert, and when Rian sat him on his lap, the boy reached over and touched his cheek.
“Daddy? Why are you crying?”
Jack bit his lip, and pulls Nathan closer to him. He looks just like Alex.
“Oh, Nathan. I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“Dad?” Nathan asks, one day, looking up from his Calculus homework at Jack.
“Yeah?”
“Rian told me something the other day.”
“Yeah? What’d he tell you?”
“That when I was two, you said to me that you’d tell me why you were crying. And that you still haven’t.”
Nathan stands and moves to sit himself opposite his father.
“So are you going to tell me now, or do I have to wait another thirteen years?”
Jack bites his lip, sighs, and smiles sadly across at the teen.
“You really want to know?”
Nathan nods.
“Well, I guess the first thing you should know is that I’m, technically speaking, not your father. Alex is. And you... You look a lot like he did at fifteen.”
Nathan looks taken aback for a second.
“No, really. The plan... The plan was always for two kids, by the same surrogate but one fathered by Alex and the other by me. As you probably figured, that didn’t work out too well. Alex was... Alex was gone by then.” Jack pauses for a second, swallows and blinks to stop the tears. “Which brings me to the second thing. Alex never left.”
“Then where is he?”
“He... He...” Jack pauses, pushes his fingers roughly through his hair and sighs raggedly. “He died in a car accident when you were two.”
And, wow, that hurt more than he thought it would.
He blinks, and that’s when the tears start. He tugs at his hair and knocks his head down, starting to sob. He hears Nathan move from the chair opposite, and feels his son’s arms around him.
“Oh God, Dad.”
“I-I meant to tell you sooner, I really did, I just... Couldn’t bring myself to just say it. Even though it’s been thirteen years.”
“You still love him, don’t you?” Nathan says, noticing the wedding band on his father’s fingers.
“When you’ve loved someone since you were fourteen, you can’t and don’t just stop.”
Nathan stands then, crosses over to the box beside the TV that’s labelled ‘home movies – Nathan’.
“Can we... Can we watch some of these?”
Jack nods, numbly making his way over to the sofa and watches as the teen pushes the first tape into the machine.
The TV sparks up, picture flickering and old, but Jack still smiles when he sees Alex on screen, holding a one year old Nathan to his chest.
“Nathan, say hi to Uncle Zack.” Alex nodded towards the camera.
Jack laughed in the background, walking over towards his fiancée and his child.
“Alex, he’s one. It’ll be a miracle if he gets out ‘Daddy.’”
“You like to ruin my dreams, don’t you, Jack?” Alex commented, pouting. “You’re lucky I love you.”
And as TV Alex kisses TV Jack, Nathan looks sideways at his father and sees that he’s crying. He reaches out and takes hold of his hand, even though he stopped needing to hold his hand when he was about ten.
“Come on, Dad, it’ll be okay. I swear. You’ve got me now.”
Jack looks at his son pitifully for a second, not even trying to stop the tears, before he presses a kiss to his forehead and sighs.
“You know, when I found out Alex was gone, it took everything in me to not go after him. I was going to, but then there was you and I couldn’t just leave you like that.”
Nathan blinks, almost feeling the tears starting to form.
“I love you, okay, Nathan? Never doubt that, not even for a second.”
“I know. I love you, Dad. And Alex, too.”